A Mythical Match Up II (Patreon)

Nathan shut his eyes and, for the briefest of moments, convinced himself that he was standing in his bathroom in his modest, one-bedroom apartment on the edge of campus - that everything that had happened to him over the last hour was some bizarre waking dream or drug-induced hallucination. However, as soon as he opened his eyes, this notion was thoroughly crushed.

He was indeed staring at himself in a mirror, but it was an oversized, freestanding gold-rimmed oval mirror rather than the rectangular one above his bathroom sink. He wasn't wearing jeans, khaki shorts, a T-shirt, jacket, buttoned long-sleeve shirt or any of his regular apparel; he was wearing a tight tan doublet decorated with golden embroidery over a puffy, long-sleeved light-brown tunic, a pair of trim leather pants and tall black riding boots. He also had a black silk cap. And, more to the point, he was standing in a room straight out of Game of Thrones. Or maybe Lord of the Rings. The walls were made of stacked granite blocks and mortar reinforced with oak pillars and support beams. A long, ornately carved cherrywood dresser took up most of the wall to his right. Twin gothic windows with curved wrought-iron grills lined the wall opposite the dresser; weak, orange-red light filtered through them. The floor was lined with an intricately-weaved rug. Nathan glanced up at the high ceiling. Four blue orbs floated motionless in the air, each casting a soft cerulean radiance which, combined with the amber glow coming from the windows, leant the room an eerie, mystical quality.

A soft click filled the otherwise silent air. Nathan turned around. The solitary door in the room slowly swung open. A figure stood at the threshold, hands behind their back. 

"The gentleman hasss finished?"

Nathan stared at the newcomer. It - he, possibly, based on its voice - was about as tall as Nathan but thin almost to the point of emaciation. Though humanoid its skin was covered in tiny green scales. Its head was reptilian albeit with an oversized snout and small horns. It wore a tight-fitting silky red robe but no shoes. Its toes had claws. 

"Uh, I guess," said Nathan, gesturing down at the archaic clothing.

The newcomer sighed. Despite its alien countenance Nathan was having little trouble reading its facial expressions. 

"The gentleman hasss finished dressing or not?" it asked in his sibilant voice.

"Yeah, the gentleman is finished," said Nathan equal parts irritated and nervous. He tugged at the doublet. The tight clothing wasn't uncomfortable but felt weird. It wasn't exactly flattering to his figure either; Nathan had never gotten rid of his freshman fifteen. "Uh..." he trailed off, looking at the newcomer meaningfully.

"Yes?" 

"I'm...sorry, what was your name again?"

"Zeszintha." 

"Right, Zeszintha, uh, what should I...how should I act when Melinan... Melinanatha-"

"Lady Melinanatha of the brood of Saskalisssundra and Girgnasharak, dominatrix of Valt, ruler of Northcliff and Sssnail's Rest," said Zeszintha promptly.

"...Please don't tell me I have to address her like that every time." said Nathan weakly.

"I will not asss the gentleman doesss not," sniffed Zeszintha. "Lady Melinanatha will sssuffice if ssspoken with sssufficient awe and respect."

"Okay," said Nathan. He cleared his throat. "So, how should I act when I have dinner with Lady Melinanatha? I mean, do I bow when she comes in or-"

"The gentleman isss asking for a lesson in etiquette in the courtsss of the Eastern Regent?" 

"Y-Yes!"

"The gentleman could become familiar with the basicsss of courtly protocol with a week'sss instruction but I doubt the Lady would be willing to wait ssso long." Zeszintha paused. "Fortunately, because thisss isss a private dinner between the Lady and the gentleman, most protocol can be sssuspended. Furthermore, the Lady isss aware of and, I hazard, will indulge the gentleman'sss ignorance of court custom. Treat the Lady with the respect due a ssscion of the Eastern Regent and do act the boor and all ssshall be well." Zeszintha narrowed their eyes. "The gentleman doesss know how not to act the boor, yesss?"

"Well, probably," said Nathan. "Hey, come on, I'm from another dimension," he added upon seeing Zeszintha roll their eyes. "How can I be sure what counts as 'rude' in my world counts as 'rude' here?"

"I am sssure the gentleman will manage," said Zeszintha. It covered its mouth and coughed meaningfully. "The Lady isss...not easily impressed."

Nathan couldn't think of anything to say in response. So he shrugged.

"Unlessss there is anything else I must attend to the Lady," said Zeszintha. "I will return to retrieve the gentleman once dinner isss ready." It bowed low and, to Nathan's horror, winked at him before shutting the door. 

Nathan just stood there for a few seconds.

"Shit," he whispered. He shivered and reflexively reached down to retrieve his cell phone. He stared down at the device and then swore when he remembered a very basic fact.

"Of course there's no signal here," he said glumly, looking down at the crossed out symbol in the upper right hand corner of the screen. His gaze wandered to the newly installed Mythic Matches app icon.

"Why couldn't you have just been malware?" he snarled, staring accusingly at the tiny image. He frowned, rubbing his chin. "Maybe...maybe there's a guide to this crazy world on the app," he murmured, tapping it.

As before, the screen when black and the phone grew curiously warm in Nathan's hand. A larger image of the app's logo faded in and out. This time, however, no welcome window appeared. Instead Nathan saw the app's default stonework background with two buttons - 'Help' and 'Quit.' Nathan tapped 'Help.' A second or two later a long list of hyperlinked questions appeared. They were a lot like the ones Nathan had seen on other app and website help menus - 'How do I retrieve a lost password?' and 'How do I change my profile?' Nathan glumly scrolled down the list; none of them were along the lines of 'what to do if invited to a private dinner' or 'faux pas in the Realms of Shaltae.' He reached the bottom whereupon he discovered another button that read 'Live Help.' He immediately tapped it before remembering there was no signal. The screen went black.

"Ah crap," hissed Nathan, growing angrier.

Several seconds passed. Then, the stonework background reappeared with the words 'Now speaking with Amy' in the foreground. 

"Hello!"

Nathan yelped. He gazed down at his phone and then lifted it to his ears.

"Uh, hello?" he said.

"Hello! This is Amy with Mythic Matches!" said the voice brightly. "How are you doing this evening?"

"How am I..." breathed Nathan in shock "Are you f-..." He managed to shut his mouth just before a torrid of bad words could escape. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. 

"Sir? Are you alright?"

"...No, I am not alright," said Nathan in a carefully measured, albeit quaking voice. "I downloaded what I thought was some kind of fantasy dating sim only to be dragged into another dimension by a dragon princess! ...Or queen! I'm still not 100% on that."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir." 

"How is this even possible?" cried Nathan.

"Apologies, but did you read the welcome message when you opened the app for the first time? Our service employs spirit resonance to find compatible companions-"

"Yeah, yeah, I read that," interrupted Nathan. "I mean...this is magic? It's real? I thought this was just some kind of game!"

"Mythic Matches is listed as a dating service on the app store, not a mobile game," said the representative patiently. "I assure you it is quite real."

"But...But...I...." Nathan trailed off. He heard the sound of fingers tapping on a keyboard over the phone.

"Hmmm, it looks like your match already opted for an eight-hour dalliance," said the representative. "It is unusual for a match to spring for that so soon." There was a pause. "Oh my, if I may say, she's quite a catch!"

"She almost smothered me between her...her...when we first met," said Nathan, blushing. "Look, I want out."

"What do you mean?" asked the representative.

"I mean I want you to send me back to my apartment," said Nathan. "Back to planet Earth. Right this second."

The customer service representative said nothing for a time.

"Given the misunderstanding concerning the nature of our service and your sudden and unexpected transition to the Realms of Shaltae, I can see how this all must have been quite a shock for you," she said at last. "That said, I urge you to reconsider. If personal safety is a concern, you should know your match is highly vetted and there are no strikes against her account. And..." Nathan heard more keyboard tapping "...Northcliff is classified as a safe zone by Mythic Matches. You are in little or no danger. It's only eight hours."

"Hold on," said Nathan. "Has she dated other humans? From Earth? Because no strikes doesn't mean much if she's never dated a human before."

There was another pause.

"You did accept her offer for a dalliance, sir," said the representative, a smidgeon reproachfully.

"I had no idea what it really meant!" barked Nathan. "And you didn't answer my other question!"

"Look, I don't normally bring this up, but your match paid a significant sum to transport you to Shaltae for the evening. Don't you think it would be unfair to her to leave now?"

"I..." somewhat to his surprise, Nathan hesitated "No," he said quickly, shaking his head "Listen, I don't care. I need to get out of here before she brings that pillory out."

"What?"

"Don't ask," said Nathan, shivering. "Just send me home!"

The representative sighed over the phone. "Since you already accepted the dalliance we'd have to treat the premature return trip as a separate service. A one-way portal would run $499.99."

"What?" gasped Nathan, horrified.

"That's our standard price. As I said; a significant sum."

"I thought there were no in-app purchases!"

"You don't technically purchase these services through our app. If you want to meet a match, transport service is provided through a third party we subcontract with; you call us and we make the arrangements through the phone. It's a security measure."

"You gotta...I can't pay that! You're basically holding me hostage here!"

"It's all in the user agreement, sir."

"Oh for...I guaran-damn-tee you there are some unenforceable clauses in that contract," hissed Nathan. "And unless you want a dean's list pre-law going through it with a fine-tooth comb-"

"Please, sir, calm down!"

"I'll calm down as soon as I'm sitting on my couch on Earth! And another thing, what's this about her deciding whether I'm worthy of her hand?" 

"...I'm sorry, what was that?" asked the representative.

"Before she literally dragged me into that portal she said something about having eight hours to decide whether I'm worthy of her hand. What was she going on about? Don't tell me this is some kind of marriage contract too!"

Several seconds passed. The other line was silent.

"Hello?" said Nathan nervously. "You ther-"

A familiar metallic clink filled the room. Nathan looked up and saw the door opening. 

Zeszintha gazed quizzically at Nathan from the threshold. If it had eyebrows, Nathan was certain it'd be raising one of them. 

"The gentleman wasss...talking to himself?" it asked dryly.

Nathan lowered his phone.

"Er, no," he managed.

Zeszintha coughed.

"In any event the table is ssset and the victualsss are prepared. The Lady awaitsss."

Nathan felt a cold bead of sweat trickle down his forehead.

"Er, can you give me a minute or two?" he said. "I have to take care of something."

"The Lady'sss time isss valuable," said Zeszintha in a surprisingly firm tone. "The gentleman will follow me to the dining hall at once." It gestured down the hall. 

Nathan gulped. Still clutching his phone he walked towards the door. As soon as Zeszintha turned around, Nathan raised his phone to his lips.

"Get me out of this, now," he whispered furiously before closing the app and pocketing his phone. He thought he heard the representative say something about 'looking into it' just before going silent.

* * *

Like every room in Northcliff, the ceiling in the dining hall was impressively high. Nathan gazed up at the network of wooden support beams and noted the heraldic banners - blue, green and yellow bars behind the silhouette of a draconic claw. The room was illuminated by constellations of floating glowing orbs much like the ones in the changing room. Only the orbs in the dining hall cast warm yellow light rather than soft blue light. 

"The gentleman will be ssseated," said Zeszintha.

Nathan looked down. Zeszintha had pulled out a large, padded wooden chair from the dining table. It looked nearly twice as heavy as the reptilian castellan (Nathan had just learned its position - apparently it was in charge of day-to-day governance of the castle) yet Zeszintha had moved it with ease. Saying nothing, Nathan stepped forward and stiffly lowered himself into the seat. He gripped its sides and scooted it forward an inch or two, wincing at the loud wooden groan the chair emitted as it ground against stone floor. 

"The gentleman will wait here for the Lady," said Zeszintha, ignoring the noise. "When the Lady arrivesss the gentleman will rise from hisss chair and remain ssstanding until ssshe sssits. The gentleman will not addresssss the Lady nor ssspeak until acknowledged by the Lady. The gentleman understandsss?"

Nathan nodded.

Zeszintha gave a little bow and exited the room. 

Nathan looked around. The table was essentially a foot-thick wooden slab running sixty or seventy feet long and seven feet wide supported by squat, square wooden legs. Its dark-colored wood had been sanded, smoothed and lightly lacquered. No risk of getting a splinter, it seemed. The table surface was empty save for a pair of silver dishes, twin bejeweled pewter goblets, a pair of smaller ceramic bowls, two miniature metal troughs filled with water, two thick cloth napkins and two collections of utensils - a large, wicked-looking serrated knife, a smaller knife, a ladle-like spoon and a curious-looking three-pronged instrument that reminded Nathan of a spork. One set of dinnerware had been arrayed at Nathan's seat and the other set had been placed at the seat opposite his. There was a second table of identical size and make to the right; it was entirely bare. The stone walls of the hall were lined with gothic windows - now almost entirely dark - flanked by tapestries. The tapestries were intricate, swirling collages of abstract patterns and shapes. All in all it did resemble a medieval dining hall from Earth, save for a few, jarring inconsistencies such as the peculiar utensils, lack of candles, the exotic design of the tapestries and, not to put too fine a point on it, the magical, glowing floating orbs.

Nathan swallowed. He wasn't the least bit hungry. In fact, he suspected he'd throw up from sheer fright if he'd tried to eat anything now. He adjusted the sleeves of his tunic and noticed his hands were shaking.

"Calm down," Nathan told himself. "If you're going to get through this you gotta keep your cool. Melinanatha was...manageable. Just don't remind he-"

Nathan's ears perked up. He made out heavy footsteps. The huge double doors on the far end of the dining hall creaked open. Nathan caught a glimpse of twin armored warriors too large to be human pulling the doors open before Melinanatha entered the dining room. 

She was just as immense as Nathan recalled - easily eight, maybe nine feet tall, her muscular yet curvy frame nearly twice as thick has his. She had changed out of the sundress-like garment she'd worn before and donned a breathtaking, scandalously tight-fitting white toga adorned with golden embroidery that gleamed in the light of the hall. Though the toga completely covered her basketball-sized breasts, its hems barely reached her knees, revealing a pair of thick scaly legs and thighs. He could just make out the tips of her furled wings over her hulking shoulders. Melinanatha gazed beatifically at Nathan, her sparkling blue eyes partially eclipsed by her long, shimmering black hair. She lifted a claw-like hand and brushed her locks aside, winking. Then, she started striding towards him. Her biceps and deltas bulged underneath her naked arms as she walked, her tail swaying sensually behind her. 

It was at this point Nathan remembered what Zeszintha had told him. He rose hastily from his seat and stood at attention. He stared down at the silverware arrayed before him and then wondered if averting his gaze might be perceived as disrespectful. Swallowing, he raised his head. 

His eyes goggled. The fabric of Melinanatha's toga was thin to the point of being translucent. And she didn't appear to be wearing much, if anything, underneath. 

Melinanatha reached her seat. She effortlessly pulled the heavy wooden chair out from the table, turned and slowly lowered herself into it, curling her tail so as not to press it against the backrest. The timber groaned under her ample bulk. A sweet, floral scent filled the air. 

"You may be seated, Nathan of the house Veles," she purred in her oddly high-pitched voice, languidly waving a claw. 

Nathan slowly shrank back into his seat. His eyes kept darting down at the table and up at Melinanatha. The dragoness cocked her head.

"Is something the matter?" she inquired with a mischievous titter. 

"Uhhhh..." began Nathan "You...you can just call me 'Nathan,'" he managed.

"Hmm?"

"Just Nathan. No need for the whole 'house of Veles' bit."

There was an awkward silence. Nathan shifted his weight slightly. His chair creaked. 

"Very well, Nathan," said Melinanatha slowly. "Does the implication of some noble title - even that of a lowly merchant house - irk you so?"

"Huh?"

"When we first...spoke, you did not appear to hold nobles such as myself in particularly high regard," said Melinanatha. Though spoken calmly, even absently, there was a slight edge behind her words.

"What? No! Er, not exactly," said Nathan, frantically trying to rally his brain. "It's...not so much the nobles themselves but the system that rewards individuals based on blood rather than merit." He hesitated. "There...there are some advantages to a monarchy or aristocracy but-"

The wide double doors of the dining room opened again. Nathan saw a pair of robed figures emerge from the hallway. Each was pushing a wooden cart laden with what looked like food. 

"Go on," said Melinanatha.

"Er...but historically speaking, nations thrive when everyone is given the opportunity to excel in their chosen field, whether farming or governance. Most people are happier when they are given a choice and happy people are more productive. An aristocracy almost by definition restricts and stratifies social mobility and...and that can be bad in the long term."

Nathan winced inwardly. He realized he'd more or less regurgitated part of an essay he'd written in high school, which had been just more or less a paraphrasing of an entry in his textbook. He'd gotten an A- on it, but still.

"Quite a...impassioned argument," said Melinanatha, sounding amused. 

The robed servants stopped a few feet from the pair. Nathan glanced at them out of the corner of his eye. They appeared to be of the same species as Zeszintha, though neither of them was quite as thin as the castellan. They also wore somewhat coarse dark-brown robes rather than a fine red one like Zeszintha. The smell of charred meat filled Nathan's nose. 

"But are those your own words or simply parrot-speak taken from some doddering old sage?" she wondered aloud.

Nathan stared at her. 

"Um..." he said, blushing.

"Forgive me, but your speech sounded...rehearsed, like an actor or carnival barker," said Melinanatha, grinning toothily. She raised her goblet in the air and one of the servants filled it with a rich red liquid from an oversized glass bottle. "Even a fool can, given enough time, recite the wisdom of sages without understanding." She took a sip from her goblet. 

Nathan scowled. The servant on his side of the table filled his goblet with the same red drink. 

"Well...where did you learn about governments?" he countered somewhat more loudly than he had intended.

Both Melinanatha and the servants froze momentarily. Melinanatha's expression turned wooden.

"I mean, you learned about governance and...and statecraft from teachers or advisors or relatives, right?" said Nathan, pressing on despite the growing pit in his stomach. "At what point do their ideas and words become your own? And if everything you know is founded on these inherited ideas isn't everything ultimately just 'parrot-speak?'"

"My actions and words are guided by wisdom and experience, lout," hissed Melinanatha. "I speak for myself."

"Yes," said Nathan, trying to ignore just how sharp her teeth looked. "And experience - what I've read, seen and heard - tells me these words are right; there are some serious flaws inherent a true monarchy."

Everything and everyone in the room was still and silent for a time. Then, Melinanatha's scowl slowly curled into a grin.

"Ahh," she said, sounding pleased. "There's the brash and imprudent wit that drew my interest. For a moment I thought I had pulled some whimpering, stoneless babe from the nether." She took another sip from her goblet, placed it on the table and then clapped her claws. "Come now, make haste," she said, addressing her servants. 

The two servants bowed low. They transferred all the dishes from the carts to the table. There were bowls filled with still-steaming vegetables, soft, potato-like yellow mashes sprinkled with black and green herbs, plump ochre sausages, glistening gelled fruit and a large roasted animal that vaguely resembled a pig with curled horns. The servants cut and scooped portions of every entrée and served them first to Melinanatha and then Nathan, giving the latter significantly less of each. Their task complete, they wheeled the now empty carts out of the hall and shut the door behind them.

"At last," said Melinanatha, reaching for the silverware. "I was famished." She sliced a thick strip from the roasted beast. Nathan could not help but notice the way she had to carefully maneuver around her massive bust while carving through the steak. She glanced up at him. Nathan quickly averted his gaze and stared down at his meal. Vegetables, red meat and fruit - every item reminded him of something from earth but he didn't recognize any of it.

"Err...at the risk of sounding like a whimpering babe, are you sure this is safe for me to eat?" he asked carefully.

Melinanatha finished chewing and swallowed.

"You fear someone has poisoned it?" she said.

"No, no, I mean...I'm from another dimension. Is this, like, biologically compatible?"

Melinanatha gave him a blank look.

"Like, you wouldn't give meat to a horse or...or grass to a cat so-"

"Ah, now I understand," said Melinanatha, nodding. "Be at ease. Mythic Matches assured us your kind consumes the same fare we do. Did you not read the...what did they call it...user agreement?"

"Apparently not," grumbled Nathan. He tried a spoonful of one of the vegetable dishes. It was bland, reminding him of overcooked green beans. It could have been worse.

"Enough of these abstract political musings," said Melinanatha after swallowing. "We will speak of the challenges facing my domain as well as the possibility of a conspiracy to cheapen the price of copper."

"Oh, that, yeah," said Nathan quietly, sampling some of the yellow mash. It was curiously sweet.

"While I understand how selling copper ingots at a pittance would lower their accepted price over time I still do not see why anyone would pursue such an agenda."

"Well, like I said," began Nathan slowly. "If you could afford to dump for a while, it would put strain on all your competitors. You then wait for them to go out of business or make an offer to buy them out when they're desperate. Then you'd have a monopoly on the commodity - copper - and can set your prices. Shady? Yeah. Expensive in the short run? Absolutely. But when you have a monopoly you have complete control over the price. You could make a fortune. It could even be used to wield political power. People have tried to do it on Earth. Some even pulled it off for a time."

"Quite...cunning," said Melinanatha.

"Haven't you...I mean, have you ever heard of anything like this happening? In...Shaltae?"

"No, but the details of mercantile enterprise have never been of great interest to me," said Melinanatha, waving a claw dismissively. "My master of coin and vassals in the Trading House of the Green Claw handle such matters."

"Then, and I mean no offense your, uh, ladyship, but shouldn't I be talking with them? They could probably give me a lot more info on your business affairs and, uh, how trade works here."

"In time," said Melinanatha, taking another bite of the roast. "I wanted the opinions and teachings of an unbiased outsider nonetheless wise in the ways of tradecraft. As I said, I do not fully trust anyone in the House of the Green Claw. They operate with my blessing and are obligated to act in my domain's best interests, but trading houses...let us say their true loyalty ultimately lies with their own coffers." 

"O-kay," said Nathan shrugging. He was about to take a bite of the roast when something occurred to him."Wait a sec," he said, lowering his fork. 

"Yes?"

"The way you said...were you just on Mythic Matches to find someone to give you financial advice?"

Melinanatha swallowed and dabbed her clawed fingers in the tiny trough of water before continuing.

"Oh dear, sweet Nathan," she chided playfully. "Did you not read the user agreement? The...user guide?"

"I...flipped through them," said Nathan weakly.

"The soul resonance employed by Mythic Matches unites those with a natural connection, shared destiny or common interests," explained Melinanatha, drying her hands on the napkin. "I desired a confidant, an advisor in matters of trade and a...well, here you are." She leaned forward and gave Nathan a saucy look. "What is it that you desire?"

Nathan opened his mouth and then shut it.

"I honestly don't know," he said. "Look, I'm going to come clean here. I...I thought it was just some kind of game."

"Tell me, what drew you to me?" she purred, resting her chin on her claw.

Nathan turned bright red as he gazed into Melinanatha half-lidded eyes. 

"You looked...nice," he managed. "Look nice."

"Thank you," said Melinanatha happily. "Do you like this dress?" she said, gesturing down at her white toga. "Not an outfit I would normally wear for dinner with an honored guest but I wanted to present my...how would you merchants put it...best assets."

Melinanatha rose in her seat. She stretched her arms in the air, muscles bulging, and leaned forward slightly. Her massive bosom pressed against the already tightly stretched fabric of her thin dress. Nathan swore he heard threads snapping. She wrinkled her cute, beak-like nose teasingly and turned around. Nathan saw that the backside of her toga had holes in its backside for her tail and, presumably, her giant reptilian wings. Neither obscured her considerable shapely rear. In fact, the hem of her toga rode even higher in the back. She was practically bottomless. 

"B'uh...um," murmured Nathan in a daze, eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"So, Nathan of the house Veles..." said Melinanatha seductively, turning back to face him "Perhaps it is time we-"

A beeping sound suddenly filled the dining hall. Nathan blinked. He slowly looked down at his pocket.

"W-What is that?" said Melinanatha.

"Uhh..." said Nathan, stirring from his trance. He patted his doublet and felt the familiar shape of his cell phone. It was vibrating.

"I'm...getting a call," he said nervously as he reached in to retrieve it. "Or text."

"What?" growled Melinanatha.

"Someone is trying to communicate with me," he said, wincing. He pulled his phone out.

"Now? Put that...thing away," snorted Melinanatha. "It seems terribly rude, if nothing else."

"Er, sorry, but I...I have to take this," said Nathan. "It, uh, it could be an emergency. Yeah. Just...just give me a second," he pleaded.

Melinanatha snarled, baring her teeth. Then, she folded her arms and fell back in her seat with a loud thump. 

"Fine," she said irritably. "Do not tarry."

Nathan nodded frantically and rose from his chair. Pausing only to adjust his pants (he blushed even more while doing so) and hurried over to the far corner of the dining hall. Melinanatha just sighed, drained the last of her drink and then reached over to the bottle to refill her goblet.

"How the hell am I getting a signal now?" whispered Nathan as he unlocked his phone. When he checked he saw no new texts or incoming calls. However, the Mythic Matches icon had a red dot in its upper right hand corner.  

"That's right!" hissed Nathan. He activated the app and waited for it to load. Instead of going to the default window from before it loaded a new window with the words 'incoming call from customer service.'

"Hello? Nathan?" said a familiar voice on the other end.

"Yes! Hello! I'm here," whispered Nathan frantically.

"This is Amy with Mythic Matches customer service."

"Yes! Thanks for getting back to me," said Nathan. He glanced over his shoulders at Melinanatha's brooding form. "Um, it's actually not the best time for this but go ahead."

"I looked into your account and your match's account. There was a...abnormality."

Nathan's stomach tightened. 

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"There was a flag on your account I didn't recognize," explained the representative. Nathan noticed there was a...grimness to her voice now. "I checked with my supervisor and then she had to consult our dev team. Then they had to consult our...legal department. Apparently, your match selected an option that was present in an early build of the app. It was deleted a while back but somehow her version of it retained it."

"What is it?" 

The representative was silent.

"What is going on here?" probed Nathan, growing angrier and more alarmed by the second. 

"Simply put, your match has the option of making your transition to the Realms of Shaltae permanent at the end of the eight-hour period," said the representative at last. "It was a, er, feature proposed by one of the locals we were working with on the alpha. It got pulled for obvious reasons."

Nathan just stood there, holding the phone. He said nothing. His expression was deadpan.

"I...we apologize for this oversight," said the representative. "We are, er, looking into possible solutions for you."

"Okay," said Nathan, his voice eerily calm. "What are they?"

"We could activate a portal - free of charge, of course - and send you home. The problem is, if your match decided to...activate the option at the end of the eight hour period you'd be drawn back to the Realms regardless. See, we can't rescind the option - it's sort of a magical contract you were bound to when you accepted the dalliance."

 "Was that clause in the contract included in the user agreement I accepted?" asked Nathan flatly.

"Er, no. As I said, it was an early build. Our legal team hadn't even drafted the final user agreement when it was still there."

"Then it's unenforceable. Given everything that's happened this might even constitute a contract in bad faith. Do you have any idea how many ways I could sue you for this?"

"Mundane law and magical law do not exactly sync like that, sir," said the representative. "But...yes, I see your-"

"Why couldn't you just send me home AFTER the eight hours if she pulls me back," said Nathan, anger creeping into his voice again.

"We could, sir," said the representative. "Only..."

"Only...?" growled Nathan.

The representative didn't respond at first. Nathan thought he could make out the sound of multiple, distant voices yelling at each other through the phone's speaker.

"...Sorry about that, sir," continued the representative in a strained voice. "To make a long story short, if we activated a second portal after the fact Mythic Matches would be in violation of-" the voice suddenly cut off.

"What?" said Nathan.

A few, tense seconds passed. Then, another voice - still female, but definitely not Amy - spoke.

"Hello, Nathan? This is Sonia with Mythic Matches."

Nathan bit his lower lip and swore under his breath. Something about all this was making him smell a rat. He thought about everything he had heard and experienced, and suddenly, it was all too obvious. 

"Let me guess," he said through clenched teeth. "You're Amy's supervisor."

"Yes! I'm sorry we have to speak under these circumstances. Now, I-"

"Hold on," interrupted Nathan, raising a hand. "Amy said you could activate a second portal to take me home if I got yanked back here, right?"

"I'm afraid she was mistaken, sir," said the other voice quickly. "Now, I-"

"I'm not stupid," continued Nathan. "Before you cut her off she said something about Mythic Matches being in violation of something if they did this."

"I-"

"There's some kind of treaty or law you idiots would be breaking if you sent me back again, isn't there?" said Nathan. "The kind that might land your company in hot legal action? Why else would you consult your lawyers?"

The other line was silent. Then, Nathan heard some not-so-hushed whispering between multiple voices. 

"You forgot to mute the microphone," said Nathan a tad smugly.

Nathan heard someone cry "sonnavabitc-" followed by silence. A few more seconds passed. Then, there was a click.

"Hello, Nathan?" said another voice, this one male.

"And who is this?" said Nathan dryly. "Amy's supervisor's supervisor?"

"Dr. Simon Bass, COO of Mythic Matches," said the voice in a carefully neutral tone. 

"Uh, okay," said Nathan. 

"I will be upfront with you, Nathan," said the COO. "You've fallen through the cracks and put us in a bind. As you surmised, if we were to send you back to Earth after your match opted to make your stay permanent we would be in violation of a pact made with the powers-that-be in the Realms. In brief, once the clause is activated you would be considered a denizen of the Realms of Shaltae and we are forbidden from transporting denizens of the Realms of Shaltae to Earth for periods longer than twenty-four hours. I know it seems like a technicality but they take this pact very seriously. It might spell the end of our firm."

"Not my problem," said Nathan firmly. "This is your screw-up. Send me home."

"You know, there's nothing really stopping us from stranding you there," said the COO. "We could just let the contract play out."

Nathan felt his blood turn to ice but pushed on. It wasn't as though he had much to lose. 

"No," he said. "You'd have already done that if you didn't care about me or if there wasn't some way for me to make life hell for you if you followed through on that threat. How dare you, by the way." He took a deep breath. "You'd have a missing person case on your hand and it wouldn't take much for the cops to trace it back to your damn company through my account. Plus, if I got back to Earth, even for a day, well, at the very least I'd post a very negative review on your app," he added half-jokingly. 

Nathan heard the COO sigh over the phone.

"Jesus...tell you what, Nathan," he said, his voice tinged with fear and frustration. "I want you to speak with your match - Melinanatha, right? Explain what happened. Explain that she shouldn't have had the option to make you stay in the Realms in the first place. With any luck she'll understand and release you from the contract. Then the whole thing becomes moot. If she disagrees, well...we'll break the pact and bring you home. Okay?"

"Okay, good," said Nathan, feeling a surge of relief.

"And Nathan, listen, this...this shouldn't have happened."

"Yeah, no shit!"

"No, I mean... the soul resonance we employ is basically infallible. Your match and you should be naturally drawn to one another. The fact you're so eager to leave her...well, it's never happened before. I think we failed you in more ways than one. On behalf of Mythic Matches I'm very, truly sorry. For everything."

Nathan was silent.

"Please contact us as soon as you have an answer from your match," said the COO. "In the meantime we'll check with our liaisons in Shaltae and see if there are any other options. Is there...anything else we can do for you?"

"No."

"Okay. Talk to you soon."

There was a click. Nathan looked down and saw the default Mythic Matches menu.

"Uh, Melinanatha," he said, turning back to the table. "We have to talk."

He pocketed the phone and walked back to his seat. He froze.

Melinanatha was slumped in her chair clutching her face with both hands, her long silky hair hanging from her scalp like a veil. The upper half of her once pristine white toga was splattered with red liquid. Her goblet lay overturned on the table. Nathan heard sobbing.

"Melinanatha...? he said.

The green-skinned dragoness slowly looked up at him through bloodshot, tear-soaked eyes, lips quivering. She looked utterly forlorn.

"I...I heard everything," she whimpered. 

"What?"

"The Draco have excellent ears," she snapped with sudden fierceness. However, her scowl rapidly faded. "You...you have no interest in me! You find me hideous!" she bawled. 

"No, no! I never said that!" said Nathan quickly raising his hands. "You're gorgeous! Hotter than hot! A total ten!"

"Then why do you want to leave me already?" she cried. 

"I just-...didn't want to be trapped here! I had no idea what I was getting into. Come on, I haven't even finished college and I have family back home." And I'd probably wind up at the hospital with a crushed pelvis afterwards he thought but didn't say aloud. 

"But, surely what I could offer would be more than enough!" pleaded Melinanatha.

"I don't kno-...we literally met less than a day ago and you want to...marry me or something?" exclaimed Nathan.

"I have no choice!" blurted Melinanatha, who then cupped her mouth.

Nathan just stared at her. The dragoness turned her head as though ashamed. 

Suddenly, the dining hall doors burst open. Two large figures rushed in. 

"Is there something wrong, Lady Melinanatha?" intoned a heavily armored guard only slightly smaller than Melinanatha. "Has he offended you?"

"...No," said Melinanatha, not bothering to look up. "Leave us," she said, waving a claw.

The guardsmen slowly lowered their halberds and retreated back into the hall. The wide double doors closed behind him. 

"What's really going on here?" said Nathan slowly once he could breathe again. 

Melinanatha wiped her eyes, took a deep breath and stood. Despite everything, Nathan could not help but notice how her wine-stained bosom jiggled as she rose. 

"I wish to make you an offer, Nathan of the hou-...Nathan," she corrected in a somewhat shaky voice. "I will...not invoke the clause that would bind you here at the end of our dalliance. In exchange, you will accept my hand in marriage."

"Wh-"

"In name only," added Melinanatha before Nathan could protest. "We needn't even hold the ceremony immediately as long as we are technically betrothed. You can stay in your world even after we are wed. And after a year and a day we can annul the marriage - if you wish. I ask only for your continued counsel in matters of trade. There are a few other...requirements, but none that should trouble you much."

"Why are you so desperate to get married?" asked Nathan wearily. "Some kind of court intrigue? Do you need a male co-ruler to keep power or something? And why me?"

"It is complicated," said Melinanatha, wincing. "But you are broadly correct. I need a mate - someone not of the Realms. That is all I can say for the time being. Is this acceptable to you, Nathan?"

Nathan gave this some thought. He looked over Melinanatha as she absently and futilely wiped the red stains on the upper portion of her toga.

"Okay," he said suddenly. "I...guess I'd be fine with that."

"Really?" squeaked Melinanatha, her face brightening. 

"Just...one thing."

"Name it!"

"No pillory."