Small Problem -6- "Nothing Like a..." by Melanie Brown (Patreon)

Small Problem

Part 6

“Go away,” I mumbled, sticking my head further into my pillow.

“Amanda!” hissed my annoying sister. “You need to get up!”

I pulled the pillow over my head. “Just go away.”

Cathy began tugging on my arm, trying to pull me off my cot. “You have tryouts in a couple of hours! Not only do you need to eat something, we have to do your make-up.”

With one eye, I looked up from my face-embedded pillow and snarled, “You’re kidding, right?”

From my room’s entrance, Mom shouted, “I’m about to leave for work, and you need to get up, Amanda!”

I sighed as I sat up. “I don’t want to be a cheerleader. Let some bimbo have my spot.”

Cathy tugged on my hand. “There’s only one bimbo taking your spot, and that’s you. Now get up!”

I stood up from my cot and made a vain attempt to scratch a place I no longer had. I yawned. “I need to take a piss.”

Mom stepped inside my room. “That is not how we ladies say that.”

I yawned again. “How many different ways is there to say you need to take a piss? I’m doing it here on the floor if someone doesn’t get out of my way.”

Cathy stepped aside. “Okay. But hurry. I made some breakfast for us. You need your energy. After you eat, take a bath and shave everywhere.”

Mom announced, “Okay, girls. I’m going to work now. I need to talk to you privately for just a second, Amanda.”

I sighed. Yes, by all means, let’s extend our fight from last night.

When I stepped from the bathroom to go to the kitchen, Mom said, “Amanda. I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

I pulled loose strands of hair from my eyes. “And I didn’t mean it when I said I hated you. I just don’t like being told what to do.”

Mom stepped into the restroom and applied her lipstick. “That is something you need to get used to, oh, daughter of mine. Adults have to make decisions, and you won’t like all of them. Like you can’t see that boy anymore. And that’s final. Now go eat your breakfast, and I’ll see you this afternoon. We still need to get you a phone.”

As she walked away, I exclaimed, “I don’t even like him.”

Cathy asked, “You don’t like who?”

I waved my hand in the air. “You know. That annoying Owen guy.”

Cathy stuck something in her mouth and talked while chewing. “He’s cute. But you’re right. He’s annoying. You shouldn’t be hanging out with him anyway. He’s too old for you.”

“That’s what Mom said.”

Cathy frowned at me. “Stop talking about boys and go eat. Quit goofing around.”

I wandered into the kitchen and was surprised to find a plate of scrambled eggs and a few strips of bacon. It wasn’t a huge amount. We didn’t want to be weighed down, but it sure smelled good. I finished off my small allotment of breakfast and headed towards the bathroom.

Cathy handed me a small, pink razor as I headed into the bathroom. She commanded, “Shave everywhere. And no, I don’t mean your head. I know you were going to ask that. But don’t take too long.”

Actually, I was going to ask that. I guess my former dadness precedes me.

Freshly bathed and shaved, I stepped back into my room, towel wrapped around me. Cathy had laid out the underwear I should wear along with a plain white t-shirt, and a pair of shorts in a solid color, in this case blue. There were short white socks trimmed in pink and tennis shoes.

Cathy poked her head in my door. “As soon as you’re dressed, come to my room, and I’ll do your make-up.”

I gave her a salute and said, “Aye-aye captain!”

A few minutes later, I was sitting on Cathy’s bed. Wearing a look of grim determination, Cathy slid a small table next to me. On the table were various cosmetics.

I sighed. “I honestly don’t want to wear make-up.”

“I’m not going to do a lot. For try-outs, they don’t want girls wearing a ton of make-up anyway. See how I look? That’s what I’m going to do to you.”

She then started to smooth on a light amount of foundation. At first, I pulled back when she went to apply mascara. She laughed.

“Girl, it won’t be too long before you won’t be able to go outside without at least mascara on.” She giggled.

And lastly, my lips were coated with pink lip gloss.

Cathy stepped back and held up a mirror for me. “There. You’re gorgeous.”

I rolled my eyes. “I look just like you.”

Giggling, she said, “That’s what I said! Wait. Don’t get up yet. Fix your hair in a ponytail.” Putting my hair into a ponytail was a skill I mastered fairly quickly in my new life as a teen girl. From her dresser behind her, Cathy picked up a large bow in the school’s colors.

Grinning, she said, “And like placing the star atop the Christmas tree, I’ll attach your cheer bow. I’ll let you have one of my old ones. Quit fidgeting. You have to wear the bow to try-out, and you’ll definitely have to wear the bow as a cheerleader. There. You’re all set. Jonathon will be here any minute to drive us up there.”

I shook my head. “Shouldn’t you have a license by now?”

“It’d be nice, wouldn’t it?” She frowned. “After my next birthday, I can get my learner's permit. But I can only drive with a licensed driver with me.”

I stood up, noticing for the first time, really, that I was a tad shorter than Cathy. “I think my old license is somewhere in Mom’s room.”

Laughing, Cathy said, “I don’t think that’ll work.” The doorbell rang. “He’s here. Let’s go.” She dropped a compact, the mascara bottle and the lip gloss into her purse. “We’re getting you a purse today for sure.”

I followed Cathy out of her room and into the living room. She pointed at the couch. “You and your lips can wait here.”

I shook my head. “That kiss wasn’t my fault, you know.”

“You didn’t try to stop it.” She turned from me to answer the door.

Jonathan stood in the morning light on our porch. “Hey. It’s my two favorite girls! Ready to go try out?” Cathy still had to try out, though she was pretty much guaranteed a spot.

I said, “I really don’t want to try out.”

Cathy frowned at me. “You’re all set. What’s your problem?”

Actually, I really didn’t want to be a cheerleader, but I said, “I’m afraid I’ll screw up and everybody will laugh at me.” And that was also true.

Cathy walked up to me and said, “Everyone who tries out is afraid they’ll mess up. I’m even afraid. You just have to have faith in your abilities.”

That surprised me that Cathy would admit that she has fears too. I guess I can’t let her show me up.

I stood up from the couch. “Okay, let’s go.”

*   *  *

I was surprised at the number of girls on the field. Some portable bleachers had been set up next to a few mats. Cathy had told me earlier that there were thirty girls trying out to be a cheerleader. There were a few girls from last year that the coach wanted to cut, which kinda seemed mean to me. Only twelve of these girls would be selected. Marcia, as squad captain, was a shoo-in as well as Cathy. Despite what Cathy keeps telling me, I have no allusions to getting on the squad. They really should give my spot to a more deserving girl.

Cathy and I walked up to the girls' coach. “Hey, Coach. Amanda and I are here. You can go ahead and check off two boxes.”

The coach chuckled. “You know I can’t do that. Go find Marcia and get checked in.”

From behind us, Jonathan let out a low whistle. “It’s like a smorgasbord. Blondes, brunets, redheads. What to choose. What to choose.” Cathy folded her arms and glared at him. He shrugged and said, “I can dream, can’t I?”

Using her unnecessary bullhorn, the girls' coach announced, “All right, girls. Let’s get lined up. We’re about to start the tryouts. Remember, we’re here to have fun. Audience, please hold your applause until everyone has finished. Okay. Wendy, you’re first up.”

While the first few girls got up to try out, I looked around. The girls lined up were reciting the cheers with their eyes closed. A few stood with that thousand-mile stare. A few, like Cathy stood with absolute confidence, one girl was crying, but most were like me. Scared and wanting to go home. Not far away were the sounds of football practice.

When Cathy was called, I admit I was amazed at what my sister could do. Every tumble and cartwheel done with precision, no hesitation on the yells that were called out clear and crisp. All performed with a dazzling smile. There was applause when she finished.

After writing some notes, the coach looked up and smiled in my direction. “Amanda sweetie. You’re up.”

I took my position and drew in a deep breath. I put my hands on my hips and recited, “Ready? Okay.” I then went through all the stunts I learned from Cathy. I wasn’t sure how well I was performing them, but Cathy had a big grin. I went through my list of cheers and then performed a few short routines. I ended with a back flip and landing with my arms outstretched. I was shocked to hear when I got a similar applause. Cathy gave me two thumbs up.

When all the tryouts were completed and the girls' coach, Marcia and some woman I thought might be the assistant coach were conferring on notes, I noted two boys suited up for football practice, holding their helmets, starting to get up from the stands. I recognized one of them and pranced…yes, pranced, up to him.

“Hey, Chad!” I cooed. “Did you come to watch us try out?” I stood next to him and was dwarfed by his size. Of course, some of that was due to padding. For some reason, I had a silly grin on my face.

Chad ruffled my hair. “I sure did. I think you did great! You’re sure to make the squad.”

I grinned at him. “Let’s not count our pom-poms before they… uh…something.” I giggled.

Touching my arm, Chad said, “We need to go. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

I said, “It’s eleven thirty. You want to do something for lunch?”

Shaking his head, Chad said, “Sorry, babe. We have to get back to practice.” He bent down and gave me a quick kiss. Chad kissed me. I couldn’t believe it.

When I walked back to Cathy, she wasn’t looking too happy. I asked, “What’s wrong? Everything okay?”

Looking upset, she said, “No. It’s not. Jonathan just left. He got called into work.”

I shook my head. “Just great. He’s our ride.”

Cathy sighed, “I’m sure there’s a few friends here we can catch a ride with.”

The coach said through her megaphone, “Attention everyone. The judges have made a decision. Here are the members of this year’s cheer squad…”

We were all sweating bullets, even Cathy, as the coach read down the list. The last two girls announced were Cathy and me. We hugged and started jumping up and down and squealing. I’m a girl. I’m allowed to squeal.

Cathy giggled, “I knew you’d make it! That’s so cool! We’re going to be cheerleaders together!”

Marcia shouted, “Pizza party at my house Saturday night! Cheerleaders only!” She looked at me with a frown and added, “No boyfriends.” What did I do?

As the crowd started to disperse, with some girls happy and some crying, a boy walked up to us. Cathy looked over at him. “What’s up, Owen?”

Owen stepped up close to us. “I couldn’t help but hear that you two needed a lunch ride and a ride home. I’m offering my services for both.” He grinned toothily.

Cathy shrugged. “I am getting hungry.”

I shook my head. “Why do you keep trying to get me in trouble? My mom said I’m not allowed to see you.” I frowned at him.

Owen laughed, “Well, close your eyes!” When he just got a stony stare from me, he looked down at his feet. “So, what’s with the prohibition? I don’t think I’ve done anything.”

Cathy chuckled. “You’re too old for her.”

“Too old?” Owen then affected an old man’s voice. “By crackey, you younguns just don’t know how to have fun is all! I just got my Social Security check and dagnabit I want to share it with someone.” He teetered around like a cartoon geezer.

Despite myself, I found his antics amusing, and I let my frown slip. Owen stepped up close to me and pointed at my face. “Now, don’t smile. Don’t you dare smile!” He laughed as he continued to point, “You better not smile! Is that a smile?”

I finally couldn’t hold my frown any longer and laughed. Owen grinned and said, “There’s that pretty smile.”

I looked around, and the area had pretty much cleared, along with all our options to get a ride. I started to think maybe Owen did that on purpose.

Cathy looked around her and folded her arms. “Well crap, Amanda. Looks like we’re stuck with Owen if we want to ride.”

Owen put his hands on his hips. “Well, isn’t that just terrible? Amanda will have to see me. Should be okay since your sister is here to protect you. What do you say we do something different and go to that place called Perky’s. Have you been there before?”

Cathy said, “They have good pizza.”

I shrugged. “They have great chicken fried steak.”

Owen grinned. “I think I’m up for some chicken fried steak, as the lady recommends.”

*  *  *

Owen dropped us off at our driveway. Thank heaven Mom wasn’t home yet. I’m beginning to suspect that Mom works for the NSA and knows everything.

We had a great lunch. All three of us got chicken fried steak. A highlight of the lunch was Owen announcing to us that because of me, he was going to finish school. I’m sure it was really threats from his dad, but I didn’t mind taking credit for a good deed. We went for a drive around town afterward.

While waiting for Mom to come home, I sat at my desk and went to YouTube on my computer. Back when I was a man, which is getting harder to believe was real, I’d relax my brain by watching videos of show tunes. I like show tunes. So sue me.

After watching a video about what the wind is called, a video I hadn’t seen in a while popped up on the queue. I always found the video amusing though I never gave it much thought. It was from a musical about World War II, specifically South Pacific. After I clicked on play, instead of being amused, I started to feel uncomfortable.

I suppose it’s true that there’s nothing like a dame. But the song has taken on a different perspective now. I’m the dame. Me. And the lyrics about how they don’t get relief bothered me. I don’t want some sailor getting his relief all over me. I’m not sure I can listen to this song the same way again.

I heard the front door as it opened and then closed. Mom called out, “Girls! I’m home. Come here and give me a hug.”

I slid off the office chair I was sitting on and hurried to the living room. Cathy was already there giving Mom her requested hug.

Grinning, Mom asked as we walked into the kitchen, “So tell me! How did the tryouts go?” Mom started making herself some coffee. Funny. She drinks it all the time, and even when I was an adult, I didn’t care for it.

Cathy exclaimed, “We both made the squad! It was great!” She took a sip from the Perky’s cup left over from lunch. She was supposed to have disposed of the evidence.

Mom beamed. “Congratulations, you two! That’s wonderful! Now we’ll have to see about getting Amanda a uniform.”

Instead of looking at Cathy, Mom looked at me and asked, “You guys went to Perky’s for lunch?” There was no denying it with Cathy’s brazen soda cup. And my spider sense was tingling to make me suspect she somehow knew anyway. Okay. I really don’t have a spider-sense, but I was married to this woman for seventeen years.

I giggled. “Yep. And we all got chicken fried steak!” Crap! I just made a tactical error.

Mom looked puzzled. She looked at Cathy and asked, “Oh? Who all were we all?”

Also looking puzzled, Cathy said, “Um, me, Amanda and Jonathan.” She lied. She lied directly to Mom’s face. That conniving little … um, sister. She didn’t even hesitate. Nothing in her eyes. This was master-level lying.

Mom nodded. “Sounds good. I’m going to relax a minute, then change so we can go get Amanda a phone.”

“And a purse!” chimed in Cathy.

If I still had parental authority, I’d be angry at Cathy’s falsehood. But as a sibling, my respect just went up a notch. I went back to my once-upon-an-office to watch more videos. I had found a Japanese girl band called Moxie that I enjoyed listening to.

After spending some time watching videos and consuming a bottle of green tea, I needed to get up and take care of business. And, if we were going to get me a phone, we should probably go fairly soon.

I had to pass by Mom’s bedroom. Her door was partially open. I wasn’t going to snoop until I heard her say to someone on the phone, “I never realized before just how hard it is to raise two teen girls…I know, right …. Yeah. I thought the new daughter would be a quiet little lamb.

“Yeah, her name’s Amanda. But holy cow, Robin, she’s totally boy-crazy. … I know…. I know. … Well, she got mixed up with some older boy. School hasn’t even started yet, right? … Anyway, she’s riding around in this kid’s muscle car…yeah, he’s a street racer… Anyway, she’s riding around with this kid who looks to be eighteen or nineteen….yeah, she’s fourteen.

“So I tell her, honey, that boy is too old for you. I forbid you from seeing him. She blows up at me, tells me she hates me and storms off to her room. Yeah, a full wall-eyed temper tantrum. This morning, things have calmed down, but I made it clear. You can’t see this boy. Well, this afternoon…oh, both Cathy and Amanda make cheerleader. Thanks. Though I think this will probably make the boy problem worse.

“Anyway, I saw that they went to Perky’s for lunch. I asked who they went with and Robin, can you believe it? Those little brats lied to me! Yes. To my face! Cathy said they were with her boyfriend, but a coworker saw them there at lunch, and she asked me if Cathy had gotten a new, older boyfriend.

“Well, you don’t have to add two and two together to get five to know what was going on. I know!....Right. … Well, I didn’t catch them red-handed, but next time I find that she’s disobeying me, bam! I’m lowering the boom on her. I’ll take her phone away…well, she doesn’t have one yet and ground her. At least two weeks. No, I don’t.

“Punishment is supposed to hurt, and I’m tired of her defying me. I don’t know why she likes that boy anyway. …<laughs> That’s probably true. He’s cute and older. A parent-defying combination if there ever was one. … And good talking to you too….”

Holy shit! I hurried back to my room and pretended to be watching show tunes on YouTube. If I was larger and more male, I’d beat the shinola out of Owen.

There is nothing you can name that is anything like a dame…

*  *  *

End of Part 6 of Small Problem