"T" Shirt - by Melanies E&B (Patreon)

"Sooooo...."

"Yep."

"...Huh."

I stared at the half-opened package and thought.

What I'd ordered had been a vintage 1977 Kosmic Kevin tee shirt, size medium. One of the promotional ones they'd given out at a few events when the first movie came out. It was supposed to be dark heather gray, with midnight blue trim and a (mostly) intact screen print of Kosmic Kevin himself on the front, just like on the movie poster that already hung over the couch in the living room.

What had arrived... wasn't that.

The first sign I'd had things were wrong was when I'd ripped open the large, padded envelope the shipper had used to send it in. Reaching in, I'd expected either another, smaller plastic package holding the shirt itself, or the coarse, beaten feeling vintage tees tended to have after years of use (or being packed in mothballs.)

Nope. No coarse fabric, no plastic crinkle, no musty odor to send me searching for a bottle of air freshener.

What I found was soft, very soft, and just a little... stretchy?

"Sure is pink," Devon said, looking over the top of my head at the bundle I'd pulled out and dropped on the table. I could hear the restrained laugh in his voice: the same restraint he'd used when I'd told him I'd ordered the shirt in the first place.

He was right. What I'd pulled out was very pink indeed. There was still a heather pattern to the knit, but I could see that the trim, too, was pink -- a darker, more rosy color than the bubblegum-and-unicorns notes in the main material itself.

"What's the picture on it?"

"I don't know," I admitted, hesitating before reaching out to unfold the material.

"Huh," I said again, once things were visible.

It was still a tee shirt. It still looked the right size. And on its front was....

"That's Nancy Nova," Devon said, admiring the busty girl in the print.

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to laugh or cry.

Nancy Nova was Kosmic Kevin's kounter -- ahem, counterpart. Almost as tall, almost as buff (though in a more feminine way,) but whereas Kosmic Kevin was lantern-jawed and masculine, Nancy Nova had a face like a model and a figure like....

Well, let me put it this way: when the movie was released in the 80s, it very nearly got an X rating just because of the amount of cleavage on display with her boob window.

I swallowed, my mouth dry as I studied my new possession.

My feelings were mixed, to say the least. On the one hand, I'd really been looking forward to the Kosmic Kevin tee: it was rare to see a vintage one go on sale at all, let alone one that was in wearable condition, and I'd been looking for quite a while. Sure, I had a reprint of it from the 90s, but it wasn't the same.

On the other hand, there had never been any promotional tees printed for the Nancy Nova movie. Even before it had come out, there'd been mass criticism from the media: it was too exploitative, it didn't have enough budget, the director was inexperienced, and it was being released hot on the heels of Kosmic Kevin V: Return of Manos, which had absolutely flopped in the theaters.

No. The only time any tees had been officially released for it was....

"No way," I muttered, moving my hands to check the tag at the neck. It couldn't be?

It was.

"You sending it back?" Devon asked me, leaning forward to get a better look over the top of my head and placing his hands on my shoulders.

"No," I said, almost reverently as I very carefully laid the shirt down. "I need my laptop."

Devon watched me, curious, as I scuttled over to the coffee table where I'd left my computer lying when the package had arrived. My browser was already open, and it only took a few clicks to get to the collectors' website I knew would have the information.

I looked at the screen.

I glanced at the shirt again.

I looked at the screen one more time, just to be sure.

Holy shit.

I stood back up, walked over to the tee shirt, and unfolded it again, holding it much more gently this time.

"Alright, so what's the deal then?"

I gulped. "This is one of the limited print run promo shirts they did for the convention-only re-cut of the film back in the early two thousands," I said, grinning.

"O-kay," Devon said, stretching the word a bit and rolling his eyes as he sat down in one of the kitchen chairs across from me. "And?"

"The re-cut was only aired at two conventions and was invite-only for VIP presenters and guests," I continued. "Mostly because it included some, ahem, 'wardrobe malfunction' outtakes at the end."

Devon gave the girl on the front of the shirt another look, and grinned. "Nice."

Now I was the one rolling my eyes. "Lech."

"And the shirt?"

"Yeah. At each of the cons, there was a drawing done for those invited to the screening, and five tee shirts were given out. Ten total, and all of them still accounted for. Oh, and one was given out about a year later, as a special wild card prize for a fan art contest at a Nancy Nova fan site, but that one turned out to be a fake."

"Nerd," Devon said, but smiled while he did. "And that one?"

"Real, as far as I can tell," I said, showing him the tag. "The ones given out at the cons were all individually serial numbered, one through ten out of twenty. Folks assumed there were another ten around, but when the website giveaway one turned out fake -- it had no serial number -- speculation started that maybe the rest had been destroyed."

"That one says eighteen."

"Yep." I looked at the shirt again.

"So, you spent how much for the Kosmic Kevin shirt?"

"Too much," I admitted, my eyes sparkling.

"And this is worth?"

"To the right collector? And if it's real? About ten times that."

"Wow."

We both stood there admiring the shirt some more.

"So... you gonna put it on?"

...Was I?

I held it up again to study it a bit more. Squinting at it, I said, “You know if I wear it, the value goes down.”

Devon chuckled. “Are you going to sell it?”

I bit my lower lip and sighed. “Probably not. I might want to keep it pristine.”

“It’s a tee shirt. Nobody will ever see it unless you wear it.”

I held it up in front of me as if I was wearing it. “You don’t think it’s kinda girly?”

Devon laughed. “You mean like you?”

I frowned. “Be nice. I can’t help my slight build. And I’m afraid I’ll get something on it.”

“Chicken.”

“I told you. I don’t want to risk damaging the shirt.”

“Buck… buck… buck…”

“Knock it off. You win.” I quickly pulled my current shirt over my head and tossed it on the table. Devon just grinned at me.

I picked up the tee. It was so soft and felt new. I sniffed it. It smelled pink. How the hell does a shirt smell pink?

“Are you going to put it on today, or should I come back tomorrow?”

“Hold your horses. This is a historic moment. No one has ever worn this shirt before.”

“Would it help take the new off if I blew my nose on it?”

I pulled the shirt back in horror. “I hope you were joking.”

Devon sighed heavily. “Just put the stupid thing on already.”

“Okay, okay.” I took one last look at the pristine, virgin shirt and slid it over my head. I tugged it down to get all the wrinkles out. I felt a tingle.

Devon stood there with a very silly grin. “Holy crap, dude! Look at you! It looks like you have giant boobs!” He poked the boob window on the shirt that was displaying some massive melons.

I pulled back. “Dude, don’t touch the merchandise!”

Laughing, Devon said, “You can’t feel that. It’s just a picture.”

Glaring, I said, “It’s still me underneath!”

Devon chuckled and changed to a puzzled expression. “Is there padding in the shirt? How are you getting that 3-D effect?”

Frowning, I asked, “What are you talking about?”

Looking worried, Devon said, “It looks like you’re wearing that shirt over real boobs! Your chest isn’t scrawny. It’s rounded! How are you doing that?”

“I’m not doing anything!” I reached up and felt my chest. Well crap. These boobs are real! The boob window was an actual opening in the shirt. It wasn’t a picture! This just isn’t happening!

Devon’s eyes went wide as his eyes roamed over me. “Look at you! Dude! You’re a chick!”

I felt warm and tingly all over. This is crazy!

“How did you turn into a girl?”

“I’m not a girl, you goob!”

“Drop your shorts, and let’s have a look-see.”

I took a few steps back. Shocked, I exclaimed, “Are you crazy? I’m not taking my pants off!”

Devon laughed. “Show me what you have, and I’ll show you what I have!”

“Uhg! That’s the last thing I want to see!”

I felt a tingle as if hundreds of spiders were crawling over me. Devon watched in wide-eyed amazement as the shirt dissolved, exposing my two very large and very ripe melons.

“What tha… what tha… what tha… ?”

Grinning like an idiot, Devon shouted, “You’ve turned into a chick! And what a bodacious chick you are. Absolutely gorgeous! Whoa… I can’t believe I’m so attracted to you.”

I took several steps back. In an unfamiliar voice, I shouted, “Stay away from me! I’m warning you!”

“You’re so beautiful!”

“I’m warning you! Stay away!”

##

“Be a dear and bring me another bottle of green tea.”

Devon frowned. He said as he stood up, “Just because we’re married doesn’t make me your servant.”

I laughed. “Actually, it does!” I looked down at our baby as she sucked my large nipple.

##