Curse You, Red Barron -2- The Court (Patreon)

Every time Red finished one drink, someone bought him another. Every time he thought he'd figured out which of the girls was most likely to go to bed with him later, the cast changed. He started drinking with Genevieve, Sylvia and Dondee but soon he shared a table and more boilermakers with Beatrice, Kandy and Zelda. After that, he met Wilhelmina, Ellesmere and Trixie. If he learned the names of the last three girls he drank with, he forgot them somewhere between his tenth and eleventh drinks, another set of bourbon with beer chaser.

He wasn't sure when he passed out, or even if he passed out. Maybe he just had a peculiar waking dream. The girls pulled one of the larger captain's style chairs away from a table and propped him up in it with his back to the bar. They fed him a wiener smeared with red sauce and let him sip another beer. He needed to pee but could not seem to summon enough ambition to stand up.

The girls all took seats in the other booths and tables, angling so they could all see him. They still looked gorgeous but -- not as amused or amusing as they had. Hanna the bartender stayed at the bar, somewhere above his head, he thought. "What a funny dream," he mused aloud. "It's almost like a courtroom."

"The accused will be silent," said Hannah and Red had to stifle another laugh.

"Have you chosen a prosecutor?" Hannah asked the other girls. Sylvia stepped forward. Red remembered vaguely that she was an assistant district attorney. He tried to say something to her, but nothing came out.

"Have you chosen an advocate?" asked Hannah.

A few of the girls murmured together and at last Dondee stepped forward, the stripper with a difference. "I volunteer, Honorable Mistress." Red smiled at her.

"Very well," said Hannah, "you may consult your client."

Dondee pulled another chair over and sat next to Red. "You're in big trouble," she said. Red wanted to laugh, but her expression turned that urge off like a faucet.

"Whaddeyedoo?" he mumbled. "I'm drunk, and I'm sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to. Whatever it was."

Dondee rolled her eyes. "Ambrose," she said. "Do you choose to throw yourself on the mercy of the court? That's what it sounds like you're doing. I volunteered to be your advocate, to present your side of things and I have to tell you, it may not be a good idea to plead for mercy tonight."

"I'm drunk," he said again. "I don't know what's going on. How did you know my name? I never tell anyone my name. Ev'one calls me Red. When did you guys get so serious? Weren't we all having fun?"

"This is serious," said Dondee. 

Red got distracted looking down her cleavage and missed the next part of what she had to say. "Huh? Did you say you were all bitches?"

"Witches," said Dondee. "This is a coven court, and we are convened to pass judgment on you Ambrose Patrick Barron. We sent out the call for a man in this city who has committed crimes against womanhood, crimes that we can punish you for."

"I'not a crinimal," said Red. "And all women are witches or bitches, aren't they?" He grinned to show he was kidding.

"You told us about Heather and Tahne and Brittany--"

"I did?" Red was appalled. He'd told a bar full of women his personal business?

Dondee went on. "-- and others, going back years. You've broken hearts and betrayed women since before you needed to shave every day."

"Iss na'my fault. Their proteshun failed."

"It was your protection, too. And three of them at the same time?"

"Heh, heh," said Red. "Not all the same time, was probably weeks apart. I'm na' a... not a glutton."

"It was all the same week, two of them not a day apart."

"Heh. How you know that?"

Dondee leaned in close to Red's beery breath. "We are witches. Wise Women. We know how to find things out."

"Okay." Red nodded. "Helluffa dream. But it kinda makes sense. Woo, shouldn't have nodded, room spinning."

Dondee looked up over his head. "Honorable Mistress of the Coven, may I have a potation to sober my client up?"

Red heard Hannah's voice. "No. He is drunk because he chose to drink. None of you forced alcohol on him, you merely provided it."

"Yikes," whispered Dondee to Red. "Uh, she's really pissed."

"She's been drinking, too?" asked Red.

"No. But she has been listening."

"I doan unnastan. I just came in here lookin' for a quiet bar where I could think about my problems."

"We know. You were going to plan out your disappearance. This is probably why the spell we cast sought you out and brought you here. To prevent you from compounding your crimes."

"Naw," said Red. "I took a cab. And I din't do anything wrong."

Dondee rolled her eyes. "Besides all the women in your past that you have lied to and abandoned, you got three of your current girlfriends pregnant, and you intend to run away?"

"At's not a crime," protested Red."It sounds kinda shitty, but iss not a crime."

Dondee stared at him. "You actually have a conscience, a tiny starveling thing in there somewhere. You know right from wrong, but you make excuses for yourself."

"Iss na' my fault they got pregnant cause their dills were prefective. Thass their poblem."

"It's not your problem?" asked Dondee, indignant.

He shook his head."No, ma'am. My problem is I've got to get out of town, and I won't graduate and thass gonna break my mom's heart, and I won't never be able to see her again. Thass my problem." He sniffled. "Poor Mom, she raised me all by herself, you know."

"Damnit," said Dondee. "You are not going to bring your mother into this!"

"She love me even when I'm a shit," said Red, blubbering. "I'm sorry, Mom. I love you."

"You should have thought of your mother before you knocked up all of your girlfriends!" Dondee had problems keeping her voice down.

"Hey," said Red. "I thought you were s'posed to be on my side."

"I am, I am," she said. "Now shut up before I kill you myself."

"Nobody really loves me but my mom," said Red. "Heather just wants to get away from her dad cause he's a controlling prick. Tahne was tired of being a beautiful virgin and thought she could be ugly but lovable if she got pregnant. And Brittany just wants to piss off her parents by marrying a white guy."

"Mother of All Mothers," said Dondee. "You're not only a bastard, you've got terrible taste in girlfriends."

"Not my fault I'm a bastard," said Red looking at the floor. "My dad ran off and left my mom pregnant with me."

"So now you're going to do the same thing with three other girls."

"They gotta choice, they don't have to have no babies."

"And that does not make it all right, Ambrose. You're making excuses for yourself again."

"Nuh, uh," said Red. 

"Tell me something, Ambrose," said Dondee leaning in close again. "If you were pregnant, if you could get pregnant, would you abort your baby?"

Red looked stricken.

"Can you answer that?"

"I'm gonna th'ow up," he said, struggling to stand.

Dondee let him get up and stagger off to the men's room, though she followed him to the door to make sure he didn't pass out in the hall.

Red threw up twice and pissed once and washed his hands and face three times. It didn't sober him up, but he felt more awake and a little less willing to stay drunk. "Am I dreaming?" he asked a mirror. The tall redhead he saw there did not answer.

"I must be dreaming," he said as he emerged from the toilet.

Dondee had waited for him. "You're not dreaming. The Coven Court is going to pass judgment on you tonight."

"Gotta be a dream," he said again. "You're too good looking to be a witch." He smiled at her with all of his slightly woozy charm and tried to put an arm around her shoulders.

"Don't," she said, ducking out from under. "Just don't."

They walked back to their seats in front of the bar. Red pulled his chair out and turned it so he could see Hannah behind the counter. 

She looked very stern. "Have you got your instructions from your client, Advocate?" she asked.

"Uh," said Dondee. "Just a moment Honorable Mistress."

Red snickered.

"What?" demanded Dondee.

"You said 'mistress,'" Red explained.

Dondee sat in her own chair, put her elbows on the table and grabbed her hair with both hands. Just before she decided whether she would scream or cry in frustration, Red spoke up.

"The answer is no," he said.

She turned her head sideways and looked at him past her elbow. "No, what?"

"No, I would not kill my baby. If I were a pregnant girl. I couldn't do it." He sighed. "If Mom had done that, I wouldn't be here."

Dondee blinked. She turned away from him with her head in her hands.

"Still just a dream, though," Red muttered. "This can't be happening. Witches' Covens and Courts and I -- I really fucked up, didn't I?"

Dondee nodded. "How do you want to plead?" She didn't look up.

"What are my choices? You know, if this was really happening."

"Guilty, innocent or no defense."

"What's the difference?"

"Guilty means you admit to your crimes and the court moves on to deciding punishment. Innocent, you're saying you did not do it, or you had a good and sufficient reason, and the court has to decide first if you're guilty or not and then, if guilty back to deciding on punishment. No defense means you won't dispute the charges but want the court to decide on your guilt or innocence before determining any punishment."

"What, uh, what kind of punishment can this court hand out?"

"Ambrose," said Dondee, "we're witches. Our ancestors were worshipped as gods. Hannah up there is the granddaughter of Pomona."

"The city?" Red's head spun again.

"The goddess! All witches have powers that mortals like you should be afraid of."

"You got the Full Montgomery going, huh? Elizabeth, that is."

"There aren't many limits," she admitted.

"What are my chances?" he asked, too drunk to feel properly frightened of such godlike power. Besides, he still didn't really believe it was happening.

"You freely admitted all your crimes. Pleading innocent is not going to wash."

"Hey, wait, a minute. You all got me drunk! Don't I got a right not to incriminate myself? You didn't read me my Miranda."

"Those limitations are for mortal courts, they don't apply here. They don't even apply everywhere in the mortal world."

"Maybe I dreamed them up," said Red. He shrugged. "Well, I don't feel guilty, but I guess I did what I'm accused of, so, no defense?"

Dondee nodded again. "That's best," she said. "No admission but no defiance of authority, either. And no pleading for mercy 'cause that never works." She sat up straight, then leaned over and kissed her client on the cheek. She turned back to speak to Hannah, but Red touched her arm. She looked at him.

"Are you really a stripper?" he whispered, his eyes once again locked on her breasts.

Dondee glared and turned her attention to the woman behind the bar. "We're ready, Honorable Mistress."

Red couldn't help it, he was still drunk. He snickered.

The rest went very quickly.