What's Happening (Patreon)

Normally, the autumn season is really good for me. It's cooling off, time to bring out my favorite clothing, my wife cooks winter and autumn food (delicious delicious turkey) as well as deserts, my family is around.

But...

This year is different.

My Mom is dead.

I know it is something that happens eventually. I had already lost my father 25 years ago, a devastating blow at the time that put me and my brothers into a state of shock with the suddenness and randomness of it.

So, I went in to see my mental health crisis worker and talked to them.

My mother and I had a complicated relationship. We hadn't spoken in over ten years and even then our relationship was always extremely strained. That doesn't mean we had not seen one another. I saw her only a few years ago. We just never spoke to one another.

But like a good son, when she needed me, I was there. Sometimes my siblings asked me to be there and I was there and did what had to be done even if she didn't want me there. It made her angry sometimes that I would drop what I was doing to help her even with everything that had happened between us, which, of course, made her even angrier that I just endured whatever I had to endure without complaint or lashing out.

When I say complicated, I mean very complicated.

I talked to my mental health worker. I had to come back twice. If you've ever worked with the VA, you know that it's rare for them to ask you to come back in the next day.

They decided I was having a depressive episode.

She adjusted my medication. That left me feeling strange and shaky. My hands shake slightly, something that is new for me. I'm one of those 'rock steady hands' types even in emergencies. I'm sleepier, another weird thing.

There sometimes feels like there is a thin layer of plexiglass between me and the world, me and myself.

I talked to her, she said it isn't permanent, she wants to give me time to process everything so I don't suffer a psychotic break or anything like that. (Yay, 2 TBI's!!!)

She also agreed that continuing to write, to keep a schedule as best as I can, is the best thing for me. I would have continued to write anyway, I'm not forcing the words, not forcing the story, it still just flows out of me like water.

But, that's why I seem off in the comments.

Med change, a depressive episode, and still apparently dealing with the death of my mother.

As for the picture, my middle daughter took time out of her busy commission schedule to draw that for me. It worked, it makes me smile to see. I'm probably going to put it on a t-shirt or hoodie.

Well, that's enough rambling and feeling sorry for myself.

Now you know why I seem a bit off.

See you soon.

--Ralts Bloodthorne