Privateer's Commission -ch 19- (Patreon)

“Shit-fuck-piss stained-mother fucker,” cursed Winnie as she continued to tap, poke, and swipe at the screen. “Xas, right? You’re my fucking employer? Xas, who the fuck set this up? This is absolute ass.

“This is a worse piece of ass than a donkey with only one leg. Or apparently Captain Puke since he said he wouldn’t pull my hair. God damn vanilla bitch.”

Blinking, Ralph turned and looked at Winnie.

“Would you like to go spend some more time in your room? Xas works for me. That means you work for me,” Ralph said in a quiet and still tone. “You can unfuck your head, or go for a toddler time out.

“And how did you even get out? Do I need to handcuff you, hog tie you, and dump you in the bed?”

“Uh… errr… well, you can handcuff me and dump me in the bed so long as you promise to pull my hair,” Winnie replied, sounding a lot less heated all of a sudden. “Sorry, Captain. You’re probably not that vanilla given that you’re a Privateer.

“This is just… this fucking thing is a mess. It’s as if it hasn’t been touched in a decade or two. All the firing equations are outdated as fuck.”

“It was in dry-dock for a long while. I’m not surprised it’s outdated,” Ralph agreed, reached out, and grabbed Winnie by the shoulder. He squeezed it roughly.

She looked at him and stared at him with wide eyes.

There were red lines running throughout the whites and there were dark circles under her eyes. Something was most certainly wrong with her.

“I’m sorry Captain,” she repeated and absolutely meant it this time. “I really am sorry. Just a little fucked in the head.

“I’ll unfuck it just like you wanted. Ready to work. You won’t complain as soon as I get this ready and blow that fucker out of space.”

Ralph nodded at that, patted her once firmly, then turned back to his station.

He really didn’t have much to do other than to give orders, run the ship, and put the crew together. As a boarder he was excellent and could carry the day in personal combat, but it was unlikely that this action would result in a boarding.

It was far more likely this ship would be blasted to bits. If there was any salvage to get at all, it’d be best to make it go com-dark and shove it toward a Calesat world with his marker on it.

That… or have Xas pilot a droid a short distance. They used to send prizes back as skeleton fleets.

“We’re in range,” Eun warned as her fingers hovered over the panel.

“Flip us, put us in a broadside for them. Start firing them off in a slow release and slow speed,” commanded Ralph. “Make’em dummy fires at the start, but to switch to tracking after about ten seconds. Place all of them between the escort and the ships they’re defending.

“Have them trail the merchants at a few hundred meters if they do end up getting perfect locks.”

“Done,” Xas reported. “Programming complete.”

“Great. I’m sure they all have some pretty good counter-measures for tracking but if anything we want them to make the missiles slow down.

“Those damn ships don’t have much in the way of ability to maneuver, and probably no hard defenses. We’re not trying to destroy them though. Just to make it look like it,” continued Ralph as he looked back to the monitor. “Shift us out of line with their far side. Get us moving toward the vessels they were meant to protect.

“They can choose to run the missile gauntlet and move to intercept or let it go.”

“Nasty,” Winnie said with an evil chuckle. Her fingers just about flew across the panel and the ship shuddered momentarily. “Broadside fucking away.

“So, I’m crew now. I’ve got a salary but I also get a share, don’t I?”

“All crew-mates get a share,” Ralph agreed. He watched the ship on the map, the missiles, as well as their enemy. “Rotate us over. Get our other side ready to fire. How long do you think the reload will be, Xas?”

“Marionette and the droids are working at it. I estimate we’ll be able to fire again in roughly four minutes. The missiles are quite heavy.”

Shit.

Okay.

Definitely need more crew.

That reload is turbo-fucked.

“That’s so fucked,” Winnie grumbled. Her hands were shaking in an odd way and Ralph could hear a tremble in her voice. “Captain, you can have me hourly if you hire more battery crew. Don’t even need to grab my hair.

“I just… I need a faster firing speed and if I’m gonna be selling my ass I might as well make it worth it.”

“Yeah, going to hire more crew. Just didn’t have time. Had to get moving,” answered Ralph as he tried to plot out their next course of action.

Eun was making constant corrections and moving the ship as she felt best. Ralph wasn’t going to micromanage her other than giving her the direction he wanted.

Glancing to the side he looked to Winnie.

Her face had an odd sheen of sweat to it.

She also looked rather pale and her he noted that her body had a light tremor in it. As if she were sick.

The hell is wrong with her.

Her emotions feel like they’re hitting faster and harder then bottom shelf, boot-leg, un-filtered moon-shine on a scrap-planet.

“I’m-I’m-they’re changing course,” Winnie stammered.

Ralph looked back to his display.

The destroyer was accelerating at full speed to try and intercept the missiles that were now moving on a perfect intercept course.

The ships themselves were all attempting to break away from their course. To shift direction or speed.

It wouldn’t even be a possibility, really.

Large cargo ships like those weren’t the type to change course without a good amount of planning. It was the reason escort ships existed.

That or smuggling, ha.

“Winnie, get me a firing plot that’ll drop our shit in that fools engines, or that position of yours is toast,” Ralph commanded. “Eun, get us in close so Winnie can do her job.”

Eun grunted then threw a glare at Winnie

“How good are you? Cause I can pilot us nimbly and dodge, but it means nothing if you can’t hit anything,” Eun demanded.

Unfortunately in Calesat.

“What? Bitch I don’t speak whatever the fuck that was. But you wanted to know if I’m worth him yanking my hair, right?” Winnie growled, her fingers rapidly stabbing across the screen. “He didn’t want me to fire at them previously. Imma hit them so hard they’re gonna be reincarnating before they even know they’re dead.

“I’m going to kill them so bad that they’re going to come back as a load in someone’s mouth and get swallowed just so they can start over again.”

Winnie twitched, shivered, then grimaced. Her mouth screwing up in a weird way and then her cheeks suddenly puffing out.

“Ready,” she got out in a groan.

“You can fire now?” Ralph demanded.

Winnie nodded her head.

“Enemy fire detected!” warned Xas.

“Fire,” Ralph commanded.

Winnie hit what was likely the launch button.

And promptly threw up in her own helmet. Vomit splashing across the inside of the helmet and then washing down the interior of the suit.

“Oh my fuck!” Ralph blurted out as the gurgling noise of Winnie throwing up into her suit felt loud.

“I can’t see,” whined Winnie a moment before throwing up even more. “Oh, oh, oh, captain, save me—”

The sound of her throwing up was hard to ignore.

Ralph watched as Eun fired off multiple thrusters, realigned the ship, fired more, and then threw on a hard burn from the engine in front.

Surprisingly he found that Eun had spun the ship around, altered their direction, and had them now burning off at an angle to close the gap, and move them away from the incoming fire.

“I’m using all the counter-measures I can!” Delilah called out over the intercom. “Some of this stuff is way beyond me but I can kinda use it!”

“Its all over me!” cried Winnie, futiley wiping at her helmet from the outside as if she could get the vomit off. “Cap’n help meeeeee. Unnnngh. Your barracks bunny has puke all over her bunny bits.”

Winnie slowly stopped clawing at her helmet, tipped to the side slowly, then fell out of her chair. Laying on the ground she started to shiver and quake right there.

“The hell!?” Ralph demanded.

“What the fuck?” Xas blurted out as well.

“Impact,” Eun warned.

The ship jostled about and several warning lights turned on Ralph’s pannel.

“Direct hit on us. No lasting damage I think,” Xas said aloud. “Direct hit on them as well and… and-and they’re-they’re screwed? I think. A number of their thrusters are firing off and they’re starting to spin wildly.”

“Close the distance,” Ralph ordered, then quickly tapped into the gunnery system. Calling up the laser cannons he looked to the targeting information.

Surprisingly, it all looked vastly different than what he’d expected.

There was a nominal range, listed range, and actual range.

“The hell?” he muttered.

Then he realized what it was.

Winnie had literally reconfigured the firing patterns for not just the missiles but the lasers as well.

A quick peek into what a ballistic type of firing pattern would be in the system told him she’d input that as well.

“Holy shit,” he murmured, realizing that Winnie seemed insane or fucked in the head, but was apparently a gunner and then some.

Flipping back to the laser cannons he watched as the distance began dropping away rapidly.

“Damage is limited. Small breach, bottom compartment, where we keep supplies,” Xas offered, sounding a bit confused. “Delilah is working on it. Probably some rapid deploy gell to fill the holes? I don’t know.

“I’m really not happy about this. I’m not qualified for any of this. I just want to make guns and watch AI porn.”

“Oh my fuck is there anyone happy to be here?” Ralph asked to himself.

“I’m really happy to be here!” Eun shouted as she raced the ship right up to the enemy. “The Toll responds so well! I bet we can fight almost anything in this! I can’t wait to open her up more.”

Looking at the numbers he saw that Eun had charged straight at the enemy. To the point that they had fired off several more missiles as they closed.

They might be spinning but they still were armed and dangerous.

“Too slow,” Eun said as the Toll spiraled, shot upward, then down. Quite literally dodging the shots.

It reminded him of old tales of pirate ships weaving in and out of cannon shot.

Ralph quickly dialed in the laser cannons and fired off several quick bursts. All of them targeting the missile launchers on the opposing ship.

There was a sudden explosion as something went off inside the destroyer.

Only for it to unexpectedly have a portion of the ship shear off in another explosion. Being ejected from the majority of the ship in a shocking way.

Someone was shot free of the ship at the same time. Their arms flaying around wildly as they spun away into space.

“Mark that wreck and it’s trajectory,” ordered Ralph. “Get us back to our main targets. They need to surrender already.”

“I’ve lost control over the missiles we launched at them,” Xas admitted.

“Errr, alright,” Ralph mumbled as he turned and looekd to Winnie who was now still on the ground. “Can you target them up with the laser canons and fire on your own? I need to… do… something with Winnie.”

“Yes! Yes, I can do that,” Xas answered. “Fuck this is hard. It’s like learning how to design things all over again.”

“Closing on them, Xas!” Eun warned.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re going a bit fast Eun,” grumbled Xas.

Ralph flipped Winnie onto her back and peered into her helmet.

The front of it was covered in puke which meant he certainly wouldn’t be able to see her through it. Thankfully, the top made it somewhat visible.

Her eyes were shut, her face was quite literally covered in vomit, and she looked a mess. But she was breathing and seemed to be unconscious.

With a grimace, Ralph pushed her onto her side and just gave up. He vaguely remembered that people were often put on their side, but for all he knew, it was the wrong thing to do.

Need a god damn doctor.

Ralph got back up and came over to the monitors and displays.

“You hit them!” Eun said accusingly.

“I was aiming for the missile. It’s fine. I only hit an engine. I think,” Xas argued angrily.

“I think I’ve got the seals closed up down here, but I used a lot of gell,” Delilah reported over the intercom.

“Oh. Huh. The batteries are reloaded. But there’s two of them that were put in wrong. Errr, they’re upside down. Those won’t fire. I don’t know if it was my droids or Marionette who did it. Could’ve been either,” Xas remarked curiously.

Laughing, Ralph sat down in his seat.

This had been an absolute clown-show, but even then, they’d managed to get it done. Done right, even.

There was a lot to fix and work on, but they were all things that could be worked on.

“Throw out a broadcast by laser to them,” Ralph ordered as he stared as his controls. They were currently flying backwards at their prey, but that was fine. That was the whole point of having so many engines all over the ship.

And why they were all armored.

“Done,” Xas stated.

“Tell them to prepare to be boarded. That anyone who resists, will be deemed an enemy and treated as an enemy of the Calesat. If they surrender, they will be offloaded of all their valuables, then released,” Ralph ordered.

He would do exactly that, too

If they were willing to surrender, he was fine with putting them all on one ship, and taking the other two as prizes. Something to sell and make more money off of when they reached a friendly port.

“That was a very exciting first encounter!” Eun said giddily. “We spaced a destroyer, and have quite likely seized three vessels! This is a wonderful start.”

“You mean other than our gunner puking her guts out in her suit, our reloaders put some missiles in wrong,” Ralph began slowly. “Our AI… Xas, you’re a wonderful weapons designer but as an onboard you feel like a beauty queen being asked to explain cosmic economics.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fair,” Xas said, then laughed. Her likeness appearing on a screen with a shrug only to tap a fist against her head, stick her tongue out, and close one eye.

“My pilot is a heavily over-qualified Warrior who ran us into a shooting gallery, our intelligence officer is running about filling holes, and—”

“They’ve surrendered and are attempting to slow down,” Xas reported. “There’s no response from the destroyer at all. I’m not recording any signals at all for it. Whatever that last explosion was I think it took out their power structure. It’s spaced.”

“Great. Good. Okay… let’s… let’s pull in and get this done,” Ralph ordered. “I really don’t want to be here when or if any other Blood of Vanah ships come sniffing around.”

“Yes, that wouldn’t be advisable,” Eun agreed as the ship continued to accelerate toward their fresh captives.

“Be ready. Just because they’ve said they’ve surrendered doesn’t mean they really have. Until you’ve put distance between them, you never know,” advised Ralph. He really didn’t want to let their attention waver until they were safe to actually do so. “And Xas… see if there’s a medical facility we can drop Winnie off at. I have no idea what’s wrong with her but I don’t think we can keep her on the ship.”

“It’s withdrawal, isn’t it? Probably to alcohol,” Marionette chimed in from behind him.

He hadn’t heard her approach or realize that she’d come up to the cockpit.

“I mean, given how she stunk, the vomit, look of her… well… I’d bet on her being an alcoholic. I knew a number of people who were like this,” reported Marionette with a heavy sigh. “Sometimes alcohol, sometimes other things. Not much you can do when they’re in withdrawal.”

“Great,” Ralph muttered, sighed, and looked to his monitor. They were now closing in rapidly on their targets.

In no time at all the Toll was going to be well with range to attach, board, and empty it.

“Well, here’s to our first success,” allowed Ralph, not wanting to be an absolute spoilsport. He could tell everyone was excited, despite the problems. “Our first success that’s hopefully as numerous as there are stars in the sky.”

“Yes! Yes, a wonderful sentiment,” Xas declared. “Ah, oh, I need to figure out how to get the hatch working so we can dock and board. Damnit. I knew I forgot something.

“Where… what system was that again? Errr.”

Wincing, Ralph nodded his head, shook it, then nodded it again.

Tapping into the controls he quickly activated the magnetic hatch. He set it to boarding and a full locking mode.

“Ahhhh, thanks Ralph,” Xas said with a laugh. Her image saluting in a weird way on the display. “I’ll remember that’s where it is next time. I swear.

“Whew, I should probably find a manual or something and go over it.”