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💙 How I Will Be Responding From Now On 💙 [TW: Suicide] (Patreon)

Published:
2023-01-25 10:33:44
Imported:
2023-01

Content

DM from a patron:

"I have been addicted to your porn since I was 17 I never looked for it not at first I went to YouTube which was a place I thought was safe which had rules that said porn is not allowed to be posted or linked there the only mistake I made was looking up ASMR for sleep and you were the voice that told me I mattered that told me I was not a waste of space like everyone else said you were the one that said I love all of you and care for all of you I know you were just reading a script but at that moment a lie was enough it wasn't until I wanted to stop that I realized I couldn't every time I cut myself as punishment because I just didn't want to do it anymore didn't change a thing it got to the point where whenever I hear your voice I would remember hurting myself but I got better I was even able to see sex and porn in a healthy way until I found you again I've been a slave to my own body for too long I will not go back I am taking my power back you will never hurt me again I know no one will miss me and I know you have thousands of people who support you so if anything this won't matter either if you feel anything at all they'll reassure you about everything but I want at least one person to know I'm gone because no one else will care the only good part is I know I will never hear you again I know I won't hurt anymore  know no one will ever hurt me again I wanted to hate you but in the end you are right even though I didn't want to I still clicked that video and that audio."

My Response:

I'm sorry you're in pain. I don't know if you have any family or friends you can talk to. If you do, please reach out to them. They will help you. And I imagine that they'd be absolutely devastated to think of you being in such pain.  If talking to loved ones isn't an option, please use the emergency suicide hotlines. I have used them myself and they are amazing. I am here today because of some strangers on the other side of a telephone. Whoever it is, please let someone help you.  If you ever want to talk, I'm here too.  Please, please stay, lovely.  â–º International Suicide & Emergency Hotlines:  opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

I really am sorry that there are so many people who are in pain. I will always forward the emergency hotline information and wish whoever contacts me well. 

But that is all. 

Files

Comments

Daniel Riley Carter

He’s blaming others for what he’s going through…I’ve been through mental break downs but I’ve never once blamed other people that’s what cowards do.

Anonymous

I honestly don't know if you get more of these messages than others do or you just put more work into helping when you do, but you did nothing wrong Tea. In fact, you did quite a lot of things right. I genuinely hope this did what it needed to, and they go get some much-needed help. But from this message they sound like they were not healthy to begin with, dealing with a lot of internalized shame and self-hatred, ideation and self-harm that started before they ever knew what ASMR was, and, if I was sick enough to put money on it, are incredibly sexually repressed to the point they were not capable of having a healthy relationship with romantic or sexual fantasy or porn at any point of this at all. Not any of which, in any way, are on you. There are millions of ways they could have gotten into porn or a spiral or something they were not emotionally capable of engaging with properly, there is more porn added on the internet every second of every day. I went out, looked for, and found, my first porn when I was 13. It could have been anyone, anywhere, at any moment of any day they found something they were going to blame. It just happened to be you. But for me, on a night when I was cold, and alone, and miserable, I found one of your ASMR, and it helped. So now I have a playlist of by no means just you, but that you helped me find, that I can try and shield myself in on any night like that one, and worse ones too. I don't listen to your audios as much as bunch of others, but every month, while I can afford to, I have a little subscription that helps you not have to worry about a meal, or a coffee, or any little small thing that might have been a problem on a bad day. That is my thank you to you, that I never really needed anyone to know about. But if by some chance you see this, and by some chance it helps, have some tea and get your doggars some treats. You are helping people you have never met and might not ever know were the reason they lasted that one more minute that saved them. You do good.

TheFireIron 357

As a recovering sex addict who's spent a lot of time contemplating suicide, I know the sickness runs deep. It's rough and there is help for us. But our addictions are our own. They are of our own making. No one forced us. And 99% of the time the sex/porn/whatever is just a symptom of a deeper problem. Even if we were hurt by others to begin with, that time has passed and we are the only ones responsible for our choices now. My father once told me that years after his many suicide attempts, he realized they were not about wanting to die. They were about escaping pain and giving one last "fuck you" to the world. I've had two friends suffering from addiction commit suicide in the last few years and it hurt deeply. But my experience has been that trying desperately to stop someone from committing suicide is a waste of time, like trying to hold a whirlwind. That just wraps us up in their disease and we sink along with them. I hope the person in that message finds some help (or help finds them). All we can do is pray for them. And if not, hopefully they discover like most of us that killing yourself is far easier said than done. For every successful suicide in the United States there are approximately 25 failed attempts, with each person who succeeds trying between half a dozen and a dozen times before they manage it. They say it's the easy way out. But there's not a damn thing easy about it.

Awkward Space Man

*Hugs* for you Tea - it always makes me sad when people use others as a wailing wall or scapegoat when they go out trying to provide positivity, entertainment, relief. You response was well done. I'm glad you're sharing this sort of thing with us. That's a big thing, because that's a lot of pressure being put on you, and I'm glad you're not 'keeping it to yourself'. <3 I wish the best for the poster, hopefully they found a final scrap of strength to seek help like you offered... As hard as it may be for them at the time.

Andrew Nelson

Have you always had exit survey like this, or have they increased? I know that this year is not off to a good start for anyone. But Tea is getting a lot of these bad survey of late.

DeemerWM

I am in recovery myself, and I know for one that you are responsible for no one’s life. I know that each individual has their own particular demon. Those who seek to give their power away to someone else or not really looking for a solution. They are looking to worship victimhood and not recovery. It’s truly tragic, but it’s just sad that the effort spent blaming you should have been spent towards reaching out for help. He will be in my prayers.

Naked_SoNUshka

You know, Tea! You are absolutely not to blame for anything and are not responsible for anyone. But I understand your feelings, you want to help these people

Jonah

You aren’t responsible for this at all. Not that what this individual is going through isn’t serious, because it is, but you only add positivity to the space. Blaming you for their own addiction and own trauma is ridiculous, because at the end of the day the individual is responsible for following, listening and being a patron of your work. I understand that things like this could inversely exasperate peoples issues, but again, the road to improvement starts on the individual level. I hope this person finds the help they need, and someday solves this issue of theirs, but it’s not your fault in the slightest.

Bob

Not to sound like a dismissive jerk but this is like an alcoholic blaming his alcoholism on the guy who stocks vending machines full of coke and diet coke because he had been drinking soda since he was a kid and his drink of choice happens to be whiskey cokes. There's clearly more under the hood of this guy's life than what he's saying in this post and it totally sucks to have the finger pointed at you, but please don't feel bad about this. This reminds me of those people who tried insinuating that JD Salinger was inadvertently responsible for John Lennon's death.

Obi1CanBloMi

Call me cold hearted, but if this person chooses this path, then so be it, learn self control, I’m a patreon and I tend to lean away from the audio porn for my own personal health. This person has their own struggles and shouldn’t have to blame other people for them. Their are many roadblocks that could’ve kept them from porn and audio porn, they intentionally went and worked around them to get to this point. They have nobody to blame but themselves.

Camilo Iribarren

This is always important to notice, some people tend to fantasize and imagine things that aren’t true. It’s sad but it does happen, many times even with live people or tv. Many have forgotten the difference between what’s true and what’s in our minds, can’t let our desires control us. I feel bad but they have to face their situation head on in order to move on

Cloyd Vanderhaag

maybe im cold hearted but this person is just trying to push the responsiblity for their fuck ups or problems on to you. Take Responsibility for your own shit or you cant ever fix your problems.