✨ 🍵 Spilling Tea 🍵 ✨ [Why It's More Than Okay Not to Want Kids] [Monthly Newsletter] [May 2021] (Patreon)

Today's topic: Why It's More Than Okay Not to Want Kids [In My Opinion]

So, in my humble opinion, children are often portrayed unfairly. They’re placed at the peak of Happiness Mountain, just below Fulfilling Your Biological Destiny, right next to Married With a Dog And a White Picket Fence. They are social status and proof of “Look! You fuckers! I did it! My DNA is passed on! I AM NOT A FAILURE!”

And yeah, that’s a lot of pressure. And I can’t help but feel we’re doing kids dirty by keeping that up.

DISCLAIMER:

I feel at this point I should clarify that I am in no way trying to discourage anyone from having children. For all the work and exhaustion and emotional heartache these fuckers bring to the table, kids really can be the most amazing choice of our lives. They can help us to grow, expand our horizons, and ultimately just make us better, more patient people. So, if anyone is looking for an extremist campaign to get everyone to stop reproducing, sorry, that’s not for sale here. What I am offering, as the title suggests, is a look at why not having kids is totally understandable and actually pretty cool.

So, here we go.

Children Do Not Ensure Happiness:

As I was saying above, children really do get the pedestal treatment. They’re not just scared little squish bundles who shit themselves, oh no! “They’re these amazing, life-changing beings that elevate us to a higher plane of existence”. And whilst I’m sure there are many people who feel that to be true, (and I am in no way trying to take away from that), I think we need to acknowledge that won’t be the same for everyone. Heck, you need only look at the number of people who have kids and don’t rise to the occasion.

Children are not just a blessing, they are a life, and ultimately a whole lot of work. More than anything, they are the biggest responsibility a person could ever have. Once you have a child, your life is no longer about you. Your life, your whole purpose is to care for and raise that child. It is all consuming, exhausting, and often completely overwhelming. It is probably one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs in the world, and whilst many people prove time and time again that they are up to the job, that doesn’t mean it is the only way to achieve a happy, fulfilled life. Not by a long shot.

Kids don’t ensure anything, it’s us that ensures what happens. So, have kids, don’t have kids, let’s just make sure we take ownership of our lives and contentment. It’s up to us to make us happy, not anybody else.

Live Your Own Way:

There’s often this idea that if we don’t have children we haven’t really grown up. We haven’t passed on our biology, haven’t taught the next generation, haven’t come full circle in life. And that, couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, at our most basic, genetic level, animals are here to reproduce, get their babies to adulthood, and then die. But, really, I think we’ve surpassed that merry little loop. We don’t live simple, survivalist lives. We live big, fat, complicated ones, full of diversity and alternative options. We live on a much grander scale - we live for ourselves - not our biology.

I can say sincerely that I wouldn’t have survived a society that expected a conventional path for me. I have no desire to be a housewife, a homemaker, or (at this point) a mother. And I don’t feel sad or less than for not wanting those things. What does sometimes make me sad is the implication from strangers, acquaintances, even friends and family that I might be “missing out”. I don’t need children to make me a woman, I don’t need to be a housewife to feel secure in my marriage - I am exactly who I am suppose to be. And if I ever decide to have children, it won’t be that I’ve seen the light or come to my senses, it’ll be because I feel I could do justice to being somebody’s mom. Because, in my opinion, a good parent doesn’t have kids to ensure their own happiness, but rather the happiness of the life they create.

So, if I could advise anyone who thinks they might not want kids, I’d say this - don’t be scared of doing what’s best for you. Only you have to deal with your choices. If you have kids, great, but have them because you feel it’s right for you, not for fear of “missing out” or being “left behind”. There’s a million things we won’t do in our lives, that doesn’t mean we didn’t lead a good life - it just means there were other things we preferred to do.

Please, don’t be afraid of being different. A life spent going your own way, is much better than one being pulled along by others. Take agency over yourself, and know that whatever you decide, you really can carve out a well-lived life.

And That’s Pretty Much It:

I don’t really have that much more to say on this topic, simply because I feel it’s not that complicated of a matter (at least, not for me).

Have kids, don’t have kids, get married, don’t get married, eat cheese at every possible avenue, lead a dull, dreadful existence - it's entirely up to you.

Kids are most definitely not for everyone, whether that be through lack of capability or sheer choice. Ultimately, a person’s life can be as meaningful without children as with. So, sincerely, you do you.

As always, I really appreciate that life isn't one size fits all. These are just my thoughts, I hope they can be of some use to you.

Best wishes,

Tea