Expectations, Loneliness, and Updates ✨ (Patreon)

Ahem ahem, hello everyone, I wanna try something new ^^ I thought I'd write down what I've been doing during my break and what I've learned from it /o/ I talked about it in the 100th episode celebration livestream, but I figured I also post it here, in case people who didn't tune in wanna hear the stories too.

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First! What I did on new year's!

I went camping with my mom and her friends in Sukabumi. There, we trekked to a really big lake, as well as the Situgunung suspension bridge. LET ME TELL YOU these ladies are strongk...... I can hardly keep up with them 💦 The suspension bridge was definitely a highlight! It's the longest suspension bridge in Southeast Asia. It was kinda scary crossing it since... the wind blows through it and it swings pretty hard, and right below is just certain death. Of course the trek is completely safe, but monkey brain fear is still in my head yaknow?

(Pic is from the official Situgunung site, I didn't take pictures here sobs)

During the camping and trekking in Sukabumi... I realized something. I got a bit upset interally that my mom and her friends left me behind during the trekking... Until I asked myself--why? They weren't expecting me to hurry up, and there's literally no one badgering me to keep up. I realized that I expected them to wait for me, when they have no obligation to do so.

I've always thought of myself as a person with generally low expectations. But this experience kinda... changed my mind about that. I noticed that I don't externally express expectations, but internally, I still have them. I don't say externally that I want Boyfriends to be popular--but internally, I have expectations for it to do well. I have expectations for people to like it.

All I'm doing is just setting up myself for disappointment when there are dissenters... and I think that's why negative comments affect me so hard, even though I know it's impossible for EVERYONE to like what I make. I think I have to reevaluate my expectations and priorities so I can handle things in a more mature way.

ANYWAY... after that, around mid January I went to Flores! It's an island in Indonesia that's more Portuguese-influenced (Most of Indonesia was colonized by the Dutch and Japanese, but there are parts that got influenced by Spain/Portugal/England etc). I've wanted to go there ever since I learned that they have Manta Point--a diving site with lots of manta rays--and I finally fulfilled it. We rented a GoPro and I filmed a Manta Ray during one of our dives.

Manta rays are so cool, they're probably my favorite sea creatures...

We then went to Pink Beach, where the sand is pink. It's kinda hard to see in photos, but trust me it's pink lol. It got its colors from local red corals that break down into brittle pieces in the sunlight.

During this trip, we visited Komodo Island too, which isn't too far from mainland Flores. I'm actually surprised that there are villages on the island that people live in since komodo dragons do eat people. The small babby ones are harmless since they haven't developed their venom, and one of them passed under our lunch table.

That brings us to February... and I've been staying in my apartment, mostly. I've been trying to reorganize my life, and I personally think I'm doing way better than before ^^ I've been sleeping earlier, waking up earlier, routinely taking better care of myself, exercising more frequently, etc. However, there are still days when I feel like absolute shit... I've been trying to limit my access to social media, which I realized is a HUGE TIME WASTER LOL... but on the other side, I feel really lonely and aimless. I don't know how to fill my days... so I spend most of it either sleeping or feeling useless.

A sore point I have is worrying that I don't have any value if I'm not drawing or making content. I know it's not true, but it feels that way when I don't feel particularly wanted or needed when I'm not drawing. I recognize that part of that is on me too though, I can't expect other people to read my mind and check up on me, and I have to make the effort to reach out too. I'll figure something out in the end, don't worry ^^ It just takes time... (Fuck me for being so impatient RIP)

I'm going to production for season 2 of Boyfriends this February! Can't tell when it will come out, but I'm starting to get back to work again. I had a talk with my editor and we've smoothed out some character points, I'm excited to work on them and share them with you guys /o/

As for Patreon, I'm not sure when I'll be posting art again. I'm thinking of not posting art to Twitter anymore, and exclusively posting on Patreon, but I'm not 100% sure yet. I'm just so so burned out by social media T__T I'll let you guys know whenever I decide on it.

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I think that's all for now! Sorry for the long read haha but I wanted to write down my experiences and feelings. If anything, hope you enjoyed the pictures~

Thank you so much for being here, I appreciate you guys a lot!