Most Eligible Bachelor 10 (Patreon)

The redhead kicked the door shut and shed her coat, now showing off the leafy vines that wrapped around her pale green skin like lingerie. Hiding the most potent of her curves, at least as much as wisteria hid a trellis. Summer recognized her, and the blonde who’d wrapped herself around Dick. Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn.

In a flash, Summer had her hand jammed into her pocket, bringing out her standard-issue Gotham pepper spray to launch a volley into Ivy’s face. The woman’s lovely features flickered with irritation, but otherwise, Summer might as well have been spraying her with tap water.

“I’m immune to cyanide, arsenic, and strychnine, but you thought Mace would do the trick?” Ivy scoffed at her.

Overmatched as she was, Summer tried to put up a brave front. “What are you doing here? What do you want? Kidnapping? Going after a guy working at a charity, that’s real classy…”

“Does it look like we’re kidnapping him?” Ivy retorted, jerking her head at the still conjoined Dick and Harley.

Summer turned her head to look at them and saw Harley was covering Dick’s face with kisses, Dick halfheartedly fending her off like a man coming home to his pet snickerdoodle. “Easy, Harley, easy. I’m giving an interview. It’s for work.”

Harley childishly pouted, butting her forehead against his muscular chest. “You said we’d get lunch. You promised!”

Dick wrapped his arms around her, patting her back while he hugged her. “I said we’d get something to eat today. Like dinner. Summer and I weren’t done with the interview, so we thought we’d finish it up over lunch. You’re interrupting.”

Ivy looked Summer over. “I’ll bet. I’d be offended if I didn’t like the thought that you had a thing for redheads. Even if her tits are smaller than mine.”

“Sure they are, Wonder Bra,” Summer snapped. “Wait a minute… Dick… don’t tell me that you two…”

“We three,” Ivy interrupted snippily. “And he didn’t tell you about us? That’s a shame. I think we’re perfectly newsworthy. If you think Harley seems enthusiastic now, you should’ve seen her this morning. Stop me if you’re shocked, but she’s a morning person. Dick isn’t. She had to wait until noon for him to get up and tend to her. Thankfully, when Dick gets up, he really gets up.”

“Ivy, time and a place,” Dick said, struggling to manage with Harley limpeted to him like a Siamese twin. Finally, he staggered back onto his couch, Harley happily cooing as she nuzzled into him so hard she practically pinned him down.

“I’m just trying to help you with your interview,” Ivy said with a practiced innocence that was anything but. “That way, you can finish up with her—“ She cast a fiery glance at Summer. “—and we can have the lunch I brought for you. Some very healthy, leafy greens. And pineapple juice.” Another glance at Summer. “Everything goes down better with the taste of pineapple.”

Now Summer spotted a picnic basket hanging from Harley’s elbow. As crazy as it sounded, the two villainesses didn’t seem to be here to do anything but feed Dick and lavish him with affection. And Dick seemed to be taking it in stride.

Summer couldn’t help herself. As much as she liked Dick, if he were really in a relationship with two of Gotham’s baddest bad girls… Good God, what a fucking scoop. “So, uh… how did you three meet?”

Ivy suddenly seemed to relish playing hostess, or at least bragging about her man. She took Summer by the arm and led her to the loveseat across from where Harley was fawning over Dick—taking a napkin out of the picnic basket and tying it around Dick’s throat.

“I met him first,” Ivy said. “It was after he was elected that silly Most Eligible Bachelor thing… not that he isn’t that, but the whole thing is… anyway, I had some zany idea about making him my slave. You know how it is. Throw ideas against the wall and see if they stick. But Dick and I, we really hit it off. And he made me see that I’d be much happier if I quit my life of crime and instead became his personal whore.”

Dick pushed Harley to the side to look Summer in the eye. “I wouldn’t put it that way.”

“He’s an utter romantic,” Ivy told Summer. “He probably doesn’t even want me to say that he fucked me all night long. Screwed the lesbian right out of me. I really thought I had it all figured out, but there really is just nothing like being stuffed full of Dick. Capital-D, dear. I’m not saying just any man could measure up to him. Not that I intend to find out.”

“Wadda’ya’mean he screwed the lesbian out of you?” Harley demanded as she shoved a Tupperware container of potato salad into Dick’s lap. “Whatta ‘bout all we did last night?”

“That was bisexual,” Ivy explained to her impatiently. “If it were lesbian, we wouldn’t very well have been doing it in Dick’s lap, now would we?”

Summer tried to push that appetizing mental image out of her mind and instead focus on committing all Ivy’s revelations to memory. “Then Harley is also a… participant?”

Ivy nodded dolefully. “She’s his other bitch. What can I say, we’re best friends. Once I discovered Dick, I knew I couldn’t keep him all to myself. And Dick, he really has a way with women. He showed Harley that she could do so much better than the Joker.”

“Blech,” Harley echoed, ladling up a fingerful of the potato salad and offering it to Dick’s lips. He reluctantly accepted the serving.

“And now we share him,” Ivy concluded. “I’ve been working on ways to integrate greenery into the homes here—it does a world of good for human psychology—and Harley’s been handling security.”

“Security?” Summer asked.

“Anyone litters around here, they answer to me,” Harley said proudly. “And forget about tagging. Our walls are gonna have nice terraces and vines and hedges on them, right Red?”

“Right,” Ivy purred, looking Summer in the eye. “Oh honey, I’m not trying to seduce anyone and the air’s still just full of pheromones. Do you think it’s Harley?”

Summer blushed. “I-I wouldn’t have thought two women such as yourselves would be happy as, err…”

“Cum dumpsters?” Harley offered up.

“Harl!” Ivy chided. “Please. We’re cock holsters. He doesn’t always come inside us, but we always get holstered.”

“You know,” Dick said, teeth grinding with irritation. “I recall the plan being that once we’re gotten a work-release arranged with Arkham, then we’d quietly announce your involvement with the program. And that we’d keep our personal lives out of it.”

“You’re the one who had a reporter here when we wanted to see you. What do you want us to do, kill her?” Ivy faced Summer, mouthing reassuringly We’re not going to kill you.

“I want you to behave yourselves,” Dick said.

“What, stay at your place and make more sex tapes for you to watch? Did you even see the last one?”

“I’ve been busy.”

Ivy patted Summer’s cheek. “I can see that.” She reclined on the loveseat, laying her head down in Summer’s lap. “You want to know how he is in bed, don’t you Summer? Lovely name, that. Summer. Not as good a name as Dick, of course, but what’s really as good as Dick, when you come right down to it?”

Harley giggled. “Big, strong Dick…”

Dick coughed. “I don’t think Summer would find our private affairs to be newsworthy…”

“How is he in bed?” Summer asked. It just popped out of her.

Smiling, Ivy turned her head to the side and kissed Summer’s knee. “Well, since you ask, it’s not so much how he is in bed as how he gets you into it. For instance, I told you how Harley woke up early so she could fuck him first thing in the morning? Well, when he woke up, what he did was he hogtied her. Wrestled her to the ground and everything. Then he fingered her—made her come, exactly like she wanted—and left her with wet boxers while he went to relieve himself.

“Of course, I saw no reason to let Dick suffer from morning wood. And it was a good way to give Harley a little foreplay. Dick was going to fuck her later, of course… Harley turns into a little firecracker when you don’t indulge her right away… but it’d be even better if instead of just lying there, she got to watch.

“So there Dick was, in the bathroom, taking his piss. I swear, even the sound of it turned me on a little. Thinking of that hard cock, and how there’d be nothing in it but cum when he was finished. I sleep in a little nightie, but of course I took it off.

“Dick, he sleeps in boxers and a tanktop. He’s very insistent that we all sleep wearing something, even if it’s his old clothes, like Harley does. I’d love for all of us to go to sleep naked, but you can see the problem there.

“If you woke up in the middle of the night and your bare skin was rubbing up against that man, what would you do? Oh, we spent a couple days in bed before Dick put his foot down. It’s not just having him fuck you, not for me, it’s getting to watch him fuck Harley too, touching yourself and knowing you’re next…

“So, finally he comes out of the bathroom. There I am, stark naked, offered up to him. The man is only human, especially when I sway my hips a little, letting him see Harley right behind me. I took the liberty of gagging her. I didn’t want her vocabulary to ruin the mood. Although it was kinda hot how she started breathing heavy. It sounded like someone had put an obscene phone call on speaker…

“As I said, even though Dick likes to taunt us poor girls a little, making us wait for it—he knew when he was beat. He kissed me… put his tongue right in my mouth. Imagine doing that to Poison Ivy! But I love his tongue. Of course, I’d love it other places more, but I’ve actually lost some of my interest in cunnilingus now that I realize how important it is to service a man’s cock. I still love 69ing, though.

“I reached for his cock and stroked it and told him how much I loved it. What did I say, Dick? I think it was ‘I love your hard cock, baby, I love how it feels. It’s so hard. It’s like my body knows how turned on I have to get if I want to take that big, hard prick.’

“I kept pumping him and I tongued his ear too. I’d run out of things to say; that’s something I don’t have in common with Harley. She’d probably still be telling him how much she wanted to fuck if it were her…

“I joke, but it really turned me on to know Harley could hear me, that she was watching us—I could only imagine what she was thinking. Probably cussing me out some for getting his cock while she went without, though I bet you anything she wanted to see him fuck me as much as she’d ever wanted to be fucked herself. Harley’s a very supportive friend. And when you know how good that cock can fuck, well… let’s just say that if she’d kept it to herself, Dick would’ve fucked her into a coma by now. Not that she wouldn’t be into it…

“I could just about hear all the dirty thoughts that Harley was having about me and Dick while I slowly stroked his cock. You wouldn’t think it, but we’re on the same wavelength, the two of us. And Harley’s a born slut. She knows so much about pleasing men. So I did what I thought she would do, if she had any self-control at all.