Uncharted: My Three Wives (Patreon)

Chloe came home from another boring day of translating to find that Nadine and Elena were killing the bottle of sangria that Nate had brought back. He and she had only salvaged it from an Italian marketplace, but still, she felt quite justified in taking a long draught straight from the bottle before she poured herself a glass as well.

“Chloe, good, you’re here,” Nadine said. Knowing her hollow leg and Elena’s competitiveness and her competitiveness, there was no doubt that a good half of the bottle’s emptiness could be attributed to her. Chloe was amazed the African had even noticed her. “Elena was just telling me about how hard she has it. You know, being Nate’s homecoming queen.”

“I was not homecoming queen,” Elena insisted. She was beached on the couch, flat on her back, her hands ground into her eyes. “And Nate was definitely not homecoming king. I mean, think about it…”

Chloe sat down into the easy chair, arrayed with the couch against the fireplace, though if they’d started a fire, it had long since died down. Nadine laid on the ground, perched on an elbow and a bent leg into a rakish pirate pose that Chloe tried to duplicate by crossing her legs.

“I think what Nadine’s trying to say is that you married Nate first. You’re the first girl, you have it easy. Probably took his virginity…”

One hand dropped from Elena’s eyes so she could glare at them. “I did not take Nathan Drake’s virginity. And how would I have it easy? I’m Old Faithful. I’m all… boring and old-hat, while you two are new and exciting.”

“You’re still the original, love,” Chloe reiterated.

“Probably the first girl he ever crushed on,” Nadine agreed.

“We didn’t even know each other as kids. Stop trying to turn our marriage into a Nicholas Sparks novel.”

“At least it’s not a porno,” Chloe said. She put a hand on her chest. “Yes, I am the sexiest and the best at sex and I know how to dress myself—“

“Ha!” Elena said.

“I second that,” Nadine said.

Chloe made a sour expression and drank from her own glass of sangria.

“I bet he thinks about Chloe while he’s having sex with me,” Elena admitted. “But just when he’s tired or something…”

“I bet everyone thinks about Chloe when they’re having sex,” Nadine said.

“I’ve tried to find out where she buys those pants, how she gets them so tight. She won’t tell me.”

“Guys, this is exactly the problem!” Chloe stressed. “Sure, I’m Ms. Blowjob, but who thinks about growing old with me? Going for a nice walk in the park or playing with a puppy? Elena, he brings her flowers.”

Nadine called bullshit: “He brings you flowers.”

“Yeah, but I’ll bet you he thinks about getting them for Elena first, then he thinks to get them for the rest of us.”

“I could buy that,” Nadine said.

“Oh, because I’m his first wife and the only one he really loves?”

“Oh, he loves me,” Chloe said. “But he’s been in the habit of loving you longer. It’s more ingrained in him. Nadine, you, me? We’re like… new clothes. He’s always gonna prefer his comfy old jeans.”

“See, how do you not get that I’m a ratty old pair of jeans full of holes in this metaphor?” Elena asked.

“That he loves!” Chloe and Nadine chimed in unison.

Nadine sat up from the floor, groaning with exertion, as she grabbed for the sangria. “I’ll tell you what—at least Chloe has sex appeal…”

“We’re all sad drunks,” Elena groaned.

Nadine continued, pouring for herself. “Elena’s old and comfortable, Chloe’s new and sexy, what am I?”

“Newer and sexier?” Chloe said.

“Nuh-uh. No white guy looks at a sister and thinks ‘hot and sexy’ when he has two white girls married to him.”

“Oh, put it back in the deck,” Chloe booed.

Elena nodded. “Yeah, Nate’s a lot of things, but racism is going a little far…”

“I’m not saying he’s a racist, I’m saying it’s just how white people are—no offense. If he was ranking us in terms of sex appeal, maybe Chloe would be first and Elena, you’d be a close second because of nostalgia—“

“And just being really sexy,” Elena interrupted. Chloe reached out to pat her hand.

“I would be dead last because he grew up with a bunch of swimsuit posters and Baywatch episodes that looked just like the two of you. He’s conditioned to want you. And that’s an actual fact, not a matter of opinion.”

“You can kick his ass though,” Chloe pointed out.

Elena toasted her. “Mrs. Private Security Firm—and Chloe’s practically an Instagram model.”

“When I have a day off—“

“I’m just some reporter…”

“Some reporter who everyone watches your show to lust after,” Nadine countered.

“You are like Rachel Maddow for straight people,” Chloe said. “And Nadine, c’mon, you’re gorgeous.”

“Yeah, you are!” Elena said. “You’re like an Amazon.”

“Guys don’t want Amazons.”

“Who says that?”

“TV Tropes!”

“TV Tropes says Superman is meant to be with Lois Lane,” Elena pointed out. “But she’s the boring one. Everyone who’s reading wants to see Superman with… Maxima or Wonder Woman or…”

“You’ve lost me completely,” Chloe said.

“You know, comic books?”

“Like Judge Dredd?”

“That crappy Sylvester Stallone movie?”

“We didn’t have Superman or Judge Dredd in South Africa,” Nadine said. “You know what we had? Getting shot at.”

“You immigrated when you were two!”

“People shot at a two-year-old and that makes it better?”

Elena reached for the sangria again.

***

Nate got home about one. Shrugging out of his slim-fitting leather jacket. It’d been a gift from Chloe, and he appreciated how it at least had him looking good, even when he was sore and sweaty from the day’s salvage operations. He hung it lovingly on the hall tree, rotated his sore shoulders, kicked his sore feet out of his shoes, and padded down the entryway, cracking his back with two hands behind his spine.

“Honey, I’m home,” he said to a presumably empty house, and was surprised to have a chorus of groans greeting him. Going into the living room, he found his wives all punch-drunk, Nadine and Chloe slung over each other, Elena half-dangling off the couch. Three empty bottles stood sentinel on a chess table by the fireplace. There was barely room for them and the chess pieces.

“Honestly, this is what happens when I’m at work? I thought there’d be more pillow fights.”

Chloe pushed herself off Nadine to shake a fist at him. “You’re driven us to drink.”

“Yeah,” Elena said, tightening her chokehold on a cushion. “You love Chloe more than me.”

“Nooooooo,” Chloe drawled out. “You love Elena more than me.”

“You’ll notice nobody is saying you love me,” Nadine muttered into the floor.

“Jesus, what was in that wine?” He picked up the bottles. “I’m going to recycle these.”

“He’s not denying it,” Nadine moaned.

“Ladies, ladies—I love Sully more than any of you.” Nate trotted off to the kitchen. They heard the clang of the bottles being dropped into the recycling bin.

“Sully’s old, though,” Elena reasoned. “He won’t be around for much longer.”

“When he’s gone, Nate’ll love you more,” Nadine said. “And you don’t even have an accent.”

“He might love Sam more, actually.”

“Nooooooo,” Chloe drawled again. “Sam’s horrible.”

Nadine giggled. “Yeah.”

“Is that what Nadine sounds like giggling?” Elena asked.

“Yeah.”

“It’s creepy.”

“I think it’s cute,” Nate said, coming back. “Say, anyone up for a game of Crash Bandicoot? See who does the mowing for the next month?”

“Maybe when I’m sober,” was Chloe’s counteroffer.

“I can beat him drunk,” Elena said.

“So can I,” Nadine said. “Just in real life, though.”

“Let’s get you ladies to bed,” Nate said. “You can drink more in the morning, just like Sam.”

He went to Chloe, helping her up. It always surprised him how light she was. She was so fit and limber, able to exert real muscle, but off her feet, her body seemingly transformed into something airy and delicate. It reminded him of their outdoor activities—hiking, geocaching, paintball. All of them, Nadine and Chloe and Elena, all so light that he felt a little like he was lumbering behind them. Just barely keeping up.

She sagged into his arms and he managed to get her braced on his shoulder, a steady enough position to carry her to the bedroom. He felt her breath on his neck, coming out in dazed repetitions, and it prickled the hair down his back as the closeness of her and the warmth of her had the effect on him that it always did.

He laid her down on the bed when they got there, and she moaned appreciatively as he undressed her, pants and shirt. When he took her bra off, she pulled the bedsheet over her chest in teasing censorship.

“You know,” she said, “we all bloody love you.”

“Yeah.” Chloe’s legs dangled over the edge of the bed. He picked them up and tossed them onto the mattress.

“Just kinda… weird having to share you. We’re all too used to getting what we want. Makes us snap at each other.”

“Oh, c’mon, you love Elena as much as I do. And Nadine? You don’t think Nadine’s great?”

“She can handle her liquor, I’ll say that for her.” Chloe snorted as Nate rearranged the covers over her body. “Are you going to tell me a bedtime story now?”

“I’m going to get Elena and Nadine. One of you has to explain why ya didn’t save any booze for me.” He turned to leave.

“Nate, you think I’m sexy, right?”

“Of course.”

“But also…”

With a fond sigh, Nate knelt beside the bed. “But also, you’re a completely cute, cuddly, adorable little bugger who’s smart and just a little crazy. Of course I’m in love with you. Madly, passionately head-over-heels gaga. We all are. What, just because you have a hot accent, you think that’s all I see in you? Elena can do a hot accent…”

Chloe grinned. “She can’t do my ass.”

“Not what I recall from Singapore.”

“Oi, typical male, can’t let that go.”

“Better than ‘can’t sit down.’”

“True enough.”

“So anything else I need to worry about?”

Chloe adjusted her pillow, getting comfortable. “Elena’s worried she’s some kind of pity fuck who you only keep around because you’re used to her.”

“Jesus. Not Nadine, though? No way Nadine’s—“

“Nadine’s worried you don’t find her attractive because she’s black.”

“Jesus,” Nate reiterated. “What’s next, Charlie Cutter’s worried his parents don’t love him?”

“It’s just been a long day and a lot of wine. We all have our neuroses.” Chloe’s head drifted back and her eyes shut. “Can’t tell me you’re too different. Scribbling in your ‘journals,’ writing all those adventure stories you’d just love to be living out—“

“You three are adventure enough.”

“How come you kill so many people, though? Every one of those books, you get into about fifty gun-battles. It adds up. Your little doppelganger must be a regular Attila the Hun at this point.”

“Hey, the gunfights are Sully’s favorite parts. And if people weren’t buying the books, I’d have to work even longer at the salvage yard.”

“It is nice having you home.” Chloe huddled in the sheets. “Even with three people, the bed just isn’t warm unless you’re here.”

“You’re sweet.”

“Go get my sister-wives. It’s not warm without them either…”

***

Nadine was already up when he came back, stretching and bouncing on her heels, but Elena was DOA. Together, they coaxed her and cajoled her until getting to her feet, then, somewhat unnecessarily, both worked together to get her over to the bedroom. Elena’s head lolled about and she giggled incessantly, but she managed to keep pace.

“Had to get Chloe into bed, didn’t you?” she teased.

“Just going one at a time. Doctor told me to avoid any heavy lifting.”

“Must make using the urinal hard,” Nadine quipped.

“I was just going there.”

“All us wives get to make jokes about your dick. Right Elena?”

“I thought his dick was the joke,” Elena said.

“Now you’re just being mean.”

He maneuvered her into the bedroom, Nadine bouncing herself off the doorframe before she managed to get through. She held her head, relinquishing Elena’s mildly ambulatory body to Drake as he pulled her to the waiting Chloe.

“I’m either going to be hungover in the morning… or still drunk,” Nadine lamented. “We need to keep less wine around the house.”

“Oh, look, Chloe has her clothes off,” Elena observed, clinging to a bedpost for support as Nate undressed her. “Oh, hey, I do too…”

“And you both look great,” Nate told her. “And you, Nadine.”

“Yes, think of me last…” she hissed, helping herself out of her clothes.

“Actually, I was thinking of me last. I look awesome.”

“And us?” Elena asked. “Do we look frackable… freakable… fuckable?”

“Waaaay more often than I’d care to admit,” Nate said. “But for now, let’s get some sleep…”

“No, no.” Nadine shook her head. “Elena’s a lovely, lovely girl and you’re in love with her.”

Even Elena’s smile was sloppy. “Lovey-dovey.”

“You should fuck her,” Nadine concluded. “Or at least let her show you she can be just as… as… as sexual as Chloe.”

“That’s been well-established,” Nate assured her. “Wait, you weren’t with us in Singapore, right?”

“I’m here now,” Nadine reasoned. “And I think it’s time to show you that Elena may be a comfy old pair of jeans, but she can still get you off. Get you off bad.”

“Much as jeans would?” Nate asked. He left Elena in her underwear. “Girls, c’mon, I think you’ve drunk enough tonight without getting into bodily fluids…”

“You’re not the one the bodily fluids will be getting into,” Nadine assured him, and then jumped him from behind, working her arms around his torso, gripping her top wrist with her bottom hand in an over-under grip. Nate was propelled forward onto the bed, facefirst, as Nadine gripped his right shoulder with her left hand, clawing for a grip.

The rest happened fast. Nadine pulled her right arm out from under his armpit and clasped her hands together palm to palm. He struggled instinctively, but she just rolled over onto her back, dragging him along with her, hoisting Nate’s supine body up into the air like a turtle on its back.

“You’re a mean drunk, Ross,” Nate breathed. She wasn’t actually choking him, but having a bicep the size of Rhode Island in his Adam’s apple wasn’t exactly a cure for emphysema.

“Elena, you’re up,” Nadine said. “Show hubby here that Chloe isn’t the only one who can be Ms. Blowjob.”

It took a moment, Elena having rolled over to be facedown in the mattress, but her hands came up, planted themselves on the tangled sheets, and got her up into a semi-propellant crawl. She held off on collapsing until she got to where Nadine was holding Nate in place (“C’mon, Naddy, do you really think you have to force me into getting a blowjob?” “You like it.”). There, she keened drunkenly, a bit like a self-amused hyena, as she beached herself on Nate’s midriff.

There, she sobered, her head in Nate’s lap. “Nadine, I think our boy likes it when you manhandle him a bit.”

“As I said,” Nadine slurred. “I said that, right?”

“Chloe, a little help her?” Nate called.

Chloe drearily roused herself, slid out onto the floor, caught her balance, and weaved her way around to the section of the king-sized bed where Elena was undoing Nate’s belt and fly. She started pulling off his socks.

“Not what I meant and you know it!”

With Chloe pulling and Elena pushing, they got Nate’s pants down at least far enough for his cock to slip out. Eyebrows raised. Chloe pulled them all the way off and fell backward with the loss of resistance, staggering until she stumbled into a rocking chair. It volleyed back and forth with her momentum.

And Elena’s head went down onto his stomach, kissing the curling black hairs below his belly button, then down over his thighs, and back up to his balls—her tongue flicked out in fast, darting motions and Nate felt little pinpricks of ecstasy race through his legs and up to the warmth of his groin. People didn’t think of her that way, but Elena knew what she was doing. She could turn a guy on just by sticking her tongue out. And she was doing a lot more than sticking her tongue out.

“And you thought only Chloe could do that,” Nadine noted.

“Objectify your wife more, Nate,” Chloe added, riding the rocking chair like a roller coaster, and with similar distress.

Elena cupped his balls in one hand and pushed them up, stiffening her tongue into a dart and then licking his testicles with the very tip of it. Her licking went around and around his scrotum, and her other hand ran lightly over his belly, reaching up finally to pat Nadine’s hands where they cinched around Nate’s throat.

Taking hold of one of Nadine’s hands, she pulled it down, wrapped it around Nate’s cock—he groaned louder than ever—and had her hold him up as she moved to the sensitive skin between his dangling balls and the base of his cock. Right between his legs, she tongued all over in tight little circles, teasing him still more, as Nadine began to jerk him off.

Nate groaned and twisted his ass around and ground his feet against the mattress, kicking and twitching, until Elena went up his long luscious cock to the tip, working around it with her tongue. Like his member was a candy cane and she was painting the stripes on it with her agile tongue. Up and up she went, enjoying the excitement she felt building in Nate as she licked him, as Nadine stroked him. She could feel his whole body shivering and pounding harder as she got near the top, Nadine’s strokes quickening.

When she reached that hot, hard cockhead, she covered it with her soft lips in a kiss. The kiss grew and grew, her mouth slowly slipping down over his tip, his glans, down to his collar. Her lips touched Nadine’s fist and Nadine stroked downward, making room for Elena to sink, to push the head of his throbbing cock into her throat. Her mouth filled with hard cock and she felt a flash of desire to taste his cum, so intense she almost went berserk. Elena looked up to Nadine, who got the message. She began to jerk Nate off like a machine.

“That’s it, girls!” Chloe cheered. The rocking chair had stopped, but she was still dizzy enough to be sitting very, very still.

With Nadine jacking him off, Nate had just enough freedom from the chokehold to reach up to the back of her neck, to drag her down into a kiss that had her moaning deep in her chest. He pulled her against him harder. She gripped his cock tighter. Elena sensed how close they all were and sucked like she could get Nate into her tonsils.

He pitched abruptly, his hips driving up, his body almost clearing the bed, even with Nadine holding him down. Elena tasted him—frothy and warm and salty—and swallowed without a second thought. Nate’s body didn’t seem to explode as much as clench up, tightening in on itself like a black hole as he fed Elena, then finally relaxing into Nadine’s grip. His arms spooled out from his body, tapering down to the mattress, and he went limp everywhere but Elena’s mouth. She pulled away from him, clearing his cock to swallow one last time. Then she laid down beside Nate, her head on Nadine’s leg.

“Looks like there’s two reasons Nate keeps you around,” Nadine said, petting her hair.

“Couldn’t have done it better myself,” Chloe added.

Nate’s eyes blinked open. His chest was pitching so hard he was nearly panting. “Chloe, what are you doing all the way over there?”

“Wishing I had brought a camera.”

Feeling as stiff and sore as the women, like he’d downed a whole bottle in one go, Nate pushed himself up to his feet. He made the few weak footsteps over to Chloe, then pulled her up out of her chair.

“C’mon, Nate, you can’t be in the mood already. I saw Elena, she KOed you.”

“We’re not having sex,” Nate told her, and helped her down into the bed beside him, enfolding her in his arms. Elena spooned him from behind, and Nadine folded over upside-down to them, enjoying going to sleep with a wonderful view of their legs. She always had been a leg woman.

Nate put his hand on her ass and left it there as he started to nod off.

“So you really just want to cuddle?” Chloe asked.

“Yeah. You’re not just a sex object to me, ya know.”

“Oh,” Chloe replied. “God… I never knew you were such a girl.”

“Go to sleep, Chlo,” Elena said.

“Nadine, you have a great ass,” Chloe said, and closed her eyes.