If you get the opportunity to write teenage lesbian vampires getting caught in the act by their parents, I highly recommend you take it. (Patreon)

“I’m hungry,” Lucia said. “Do your parents keep any Pop-Tarts around? Maybe an Eggo?” “Not a great time, El.” “It’s before noon, I think breakfast is still an option…” “They caught us having sex, Lucia!” “Don’t be overdramatic, they caught us after we had sex. Can you imagine how frustrated I’d be if they had interrupted during? Unless they’d let us finish before they started yelling. That’s what I would do if I were a parent. Like, what, are you not gonna be a slut if there isn’t an orgasm? No—“ “How can you be so calm?” Mindy interrupted, having to grind her voice down to keep from shouting. Lucia took Mindy’s hands. “Because it’s no big deal! I mean, you were going to tell them sooner or later, right? At least this way, there’s no awkward monologue—two girls, in bed together, naked, strap-on. Speaks for itself.” “Yes! Yes, that’s what I’m concerned about! I don’t know a lot about dating, but I know that you have to ease parents into it. First you say you like a boy, then you’re going on a date, then you’re going to a dance, and at some point, ‘oh, I don’t know’—Mindy wagged her head about. “’I guess I’m not a virgin, huh?’ They didn’t even know I’m a lesbian!” “Well, it’s not like it was the biggest secret in the world. I mean, look at your shoes.” “What’s wrong with my shoes?” “Nothing. I would wear those shoes… if I were a boy…” Mindy made a noise that wasn’t quite a groan and wasn’t quite a growl. She had no idea how she could be so in love with Lucia one minute and then the next, Lucia turned into a total asshole that drove her crazy. It was like watching Once Upon A Time or something. Lucia opened her arms wide. “Come here. Come to my bosom.” When Mindy didn’t come to her bosom fast enough for Lucia’s satisfaction, Lucia embraced her anyway. “Listen, here’s what they’re talking about right now. ‘Yeah, sure, Mindy’s a lesbian—but look at how cute her same-sex lover is!’ I’m a cheerleader! But like a cool goth cheerleader who reads Proust or some shit!” “You don’t even know who Proust is.” “He invented Tic-Tacs. Anyway, if you were his firstborn son and he caught you naked in bed with me, he’d be pouring you a shot right now. You’d be smoking cigars and going trout-fishing… I don’t know, I’m not good at boys, I’m a lesbian now. Point is, yeah, there’s a little cognitive dissonance because we’re both women, but if his daughter has to date a woman, there’s me and then there’s Angelina Jolie. And have you seen how thin Angie is these days, it’s kinda creepy. Plus, what’s with all the little kids—“ Mindy jerked away from Lucia. “Can we not turn this into a discussion of Angelina Jolie and her Madonna-arms?” “You wanna talk about Madonna and her Jolie-arms?” “I want you to take this seriously!” “I am taking it seriously!” Lucia protested. “You’re just overreacting. The truth is, right now, your dad is thinking that if he were thirty years younger, and a woman, and a lesbian, he’d wanna do me too.” “Please don’t talk about my dad finding you hot.” “I’m sure your mom’s going ‘if I had to do it with a woman’…” “No, not either of my parents—“ “I’m not saying they’re sniffing my panties or anything…” “I swear to Christ, they are not gonna need to forbid me or ground me or anything, because I am never having sex again. I can feel my ovaries shriveling like a raisin in the sun.” “Oh, I saw that! Did Proust write that?” “No.” “Darn.” Mindy took a deep breath. “Is that really what they’re saying? That you’re a catch and they’re proud of me and—all that?” “Uh, no.” Mindy’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not listening to them?” “No, I’m talking to you.” “You have superhearing! Why aren’t you listening in on them?” “Well, I didn’t think to, Mindy, I was hungry. Say, do you have any PopTarts?” “Even if we did,” Mindy hissed, “do you really think my parents would be cool with you grabbing breakfast?” “Hey, I took their daughter’s virginity, what’s a toaster strudel next to that?”