Batman: The Questions We Don’t Answer (Patreon)

Edward couldn’t believe his good luck. Not only had Selina tried to steal from him, but she’d failed. His cunningly prepared security system had defeated her. His carefully selected henchmen had subdued her and brought her to him. And now here she was, his prisoner: all fair skin and jet black hair, her voluptuous figure encased within leather like a statue preserved for all time, her gorgeous face set in her cowl like a jewel. It was like a dream come true.

But he had to be careful; had to keep being smart. Plenty of men higher up the ladder than him had gotten stupid when it came to Catwoman and had paid the price. He would be smart about this. And even Selina, with all her insolence, would have to admit his intelligence.

“Your goon squad fucked up my ankle,” Selina said to him, with caustic casualness, like she was talking to a girlfriend at brunch. “I still could’ve trounced them, but it would’ve hurt too much, so I thought I’d let them tie me up. I’ve never minded a little bondage and it’s not like you’re the Penguin.” She smiled at him. “I’m yours, Eddie. Go ahead and make me solve one of your crosswords.”

Edward gave her the cold shoulder. “Gentlemen,” he said, looking over his troops proudly. “Let’s elevate our guest’s poor injured paw. And chain her, of course. I don’t think this cat’s house-trained.”

“Never heard that one before,” Selina said, just shy of a snarl. She allowed herself to be wrapped in chains, securing her arms firmly to her sides and attaching her to the solid wooden chair she’d been sat on. “So, think you can handle one caged kitten all by yourself, or will this be a public show?”

Edward quirked a brow momentarily before snapping his fingers. “Break time, boys. I’ll take it from here.”

Quiz—his majordomo—drew his teeth together for a moment. “You sure about that, boss? The Cat’s a pretty tough customer. Once she gets you alone…”

“Do you really think she’ll be able to trick me into letting her loose?” Edward sneered. “No, Selina and I have an understanding, a certain professionalism. She won’t be a sore loser and she can trust that I’ll treat her with the respect that an expert like her deserves… even if she has embarrassed herself with this pitiful, and harmful, display.”

Selina pouted. “You rub it in hard, Eddie. Too bad it didn’t sink in like that when we teamed up. You were supposed to pay me for those diamonds, remember?”

Pulling a face, Edward shooed his henchmen from the room. “Off, off, off. We must discuss private business, not for the ears of hirelings! These are words from one master criminal to another!” He slammed the door behind them, once they’d left. “Selina, you are being slanderous. And when I just said how mature you were going to be…”

“Where’s my money, Ed?”

“I gave you your money. All you had to do was follow the clues—”

Selina rolled her eyes. “You’re really going to make me jump through hoops to collect my goddamn paycheck?”

“You’d really rather break into my hideout than solve a few riddles?”

“Yup.”

Edward huffed. “No doubt you’d have felt justified in taking all my kit and kaboodle too, eh kitten?”

“Call it paid overtime. You have me thieving long after my bedtime. Not to mention what your dumb trap did to my poor foot…”

“That’s your own fault,” Edward sniffed. “How is that feeling, by the way?”

“Shitty,” Selina snapped. “Thanks!”

“I wouldn’t have thought you needed money. I’d heard you and Batman were an item now. And all those marvelous toys of his must cost a pretty penny. Surely, he can break open the piggy bank for you…”

Selina’s eyes narrowed. Her voice grew truly dangerous. “Isn’t breaking my foot off enough for you to get your jollies? Do you have to act like you’re interviewing me for People magazine too?”

Edward crossed his arms, winding them tight about his slender chest. “You’d think a woman of your looks would appreciate being treated as a person and not simply a sex object. Well, if your foot is making you that snippy, let’s have it. I doubt you injured yourself beyond my medical knowledge.”

“You’re going to treat my foot?” Selina asked dubiously.

“Who’d be better qualified?”

“Someone with, I don’t know, qualifications?”

“Qualifications are simply a notation of knowledge obtained,” Edward bristled. “I don’t need a notation. I know things. I’m the Riddler.”

“Wow.” Selina held up her leg. “I think it’d be worth a limp to see you fall on your face after making that speech.”

“If you’re going to doubt my expertise, perhaps do it from outside the chains I placed you in?” He sat down on the floor in front of her chair. “Let me have your foot.”

She ostentatiously raised to him. Edward carefully unzipped her boot and worked it off the end of her leg, leaving her petitely boned foot bare.

As he knelt before her, Selina noticed how… not good… he looked, but how fastidiously he maintained his appearance. He’d taken off his fabled jacket, leaving him in buttondown shirt and suspenders, but they were well-tailored and made of expensive material, fitting nicely to his narrow body.

And even if his skinny body was short on muscle, she naturally preferred it to someone as out of shape as the Penguin or someone as obscenely overmuscled as Bane. Edward might almost have struck her as normal—someone who watched what he ate and went to the gym now and then—if it weren’t for the preening expressions on his face. His wide eyes, his gnashing teeth, his narrow-eyed squints. If it weren’t for those melodramatic reactions to both victories and defeats, he might even strike her as handsome.

He held her ankle and dug his thumb into it from various angles, asking her each time if it hurt. After several, Selina couldn’t hold in a gasp of pain.

“Geez! Fuck! You couldn’t just let me go to the doctor and get an X-ray?”

“Hardly needed,” Edward declared. “In fact, a podiatrist would most likely be looking in the wrong spot.” He ran his hand up her leg, rolling up the leg of her catsuit to bare her pale skin. “Since your ankle hurts there, it must mean that the real pain is further up your leg, only registering when you put your body weight on your foot and thus pressure the nerve.”

“Wow. I’m impressed,” Selina said. “I’ll have to let Harley know she’s got some competition.”

“You’re only demeaning yourself by implying you’d be stupid enough to go to her for medical advice.” He patted her leg about mid-thigh. “The pinched nerve is probably there. You’ll have to undress, obviously, in order for me to get to it.”

“And you’ll have to unlock me in order for me to undress,” Selina retorted.

Edward stood. “That wouldn’t be very smart of me, would it?”

Selina looked up at him. “Then you’re just going to leave me like this?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

Selina sighed. “What if I promised I won’t try anything?”

Edward looked at her dubiously. “Going back on your word would hardly be too extreme for a woman as duplicitous as you.”

Then Selina started to smile. “You want to help me. You want to show off that you really do know as much about medicine as you say you do.”

Edward sniffed. “I’m a professional, Selina. I don’t enjoy inflicting undue pain, but you’re not giving me much of a choice here.”

“How about you agree to give me what you owe me and I’ll agree not to slam you in the face?”

He chuckled. “And this will all allow me to treat your injury?”

“Eddie, this hurts and it’s your fault. The least you can do is fix me up and give me my money.”

Edward stuck his thumbs through his suspenders, running them up and down as he thought. “I wasn’t trying to cheat you. I thought you would appreciate a little gamesmanship.”

“Well, I was trying to rob you,” Selina shot back. “But at least you’re in good company.”

She smiled at him. Her eyes were bright. He dug the key to her chains from his trouser pocket.