Comic Script: Intrusive Self-loathing Thoughts (Patreon)

Hey! I think most people will be aware of this by now haha but when I write my comics, I just open a Google Keep document and spill my feelings on whatever it is I want to write about! I call this a script but it will be heavily edited down to actually make it usable as a comic! I think it's worth showing the full unedited thing though! Enjoy!

I really try and pay attention to my intrusive thoughts when they happen. A worrying thing I've noticed is that they happen All The Time in ways that I could laugh off but... actually I think it's indicative of a larger problem. I've noticed that I can go from 0-100 in that I'll be doing something and then all of a sudden it's like *boom* self-loathing thought.

doing laundry dum dum dum dropped a sock WOW I fucking hate myself good job Bex

dumdeedum shit I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying oh my god I Hate myself so Much why am I such garbage #badfriend

dumdumdum going to bed wow I didn't do as much as I wanted to I fucking HATE myself oh my God

...When did I start to think like this?

I think it's worth pointing out that my thought-style is constant monologue rather than abstract thoughts and these self loathing thoughts just appear very suddenly with no warning.

The thing that worries me the most is that I can otherwise be feeling happy when they happen and sometimes it doesn't even affect my mood to think like that, it's just THERE

When I notice it I try to correct myself

'this literally has 0 negative consequences. chill'
'bex forgive urself pls'
'Do you really hate yourself? After everything you've worked for?'

I think I'm getting better at not berating myself

The weird part is that if someone asked me how I felt about myself, I'd probably say something like 'tbh I'm flawed but I pride myself on the fact that I own up to my mistakes and I'm CONSTANTLY trying to better myself. I'm very strong and I've overcome a lot to get where I am. I'm trying so hard every day and I think other people recognise that effort and it's nice to feel seen.'

And yet still, constantly the thought still jumps into my mind

'I fucking hate myself'

I wonder if this is just meme language that I've learned as a reflex? In general I have a lot of thoughts about the negative consequences of memifying our mental illnesses oof

But what if it is actually speaking to some deep inner truth of how I really feel about myself?

Do I... really hate myself..?