Chapter 33 - Inner Equilibrium (Patreon)

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Chapter 33 - Inner Equilibrium

“You’ll regret this, you know that, right? You think you’re the only hot shit on the market? I will see how many of those unrealistic, utopian dreams you can pull off being so naïve. They’ll eat you alive, this world.”

“Yes. I don’t trust myself enough to keep a reign on what a person with too much ambition will do. I don’t trust people, in general, to keep their ambitions to themselves either. Better let the government handle all that.”

*******

Elrhain woke up feeling refreshed. The voices of the past echoed in his ears in a vain attempt to pull him into the nightmares one last time. But his mind was too rejuvenated to pay them any heed.

He blinked, then blinked again.

The moonlight bounced off his honey glazed skin, the celestial bodies above playing hide and seek with the night clouds as their pearly light flickered dim and bright.

When he sat up, he noticed the leafy bedding underneath his palms. Somebody had taken him back to their room, and he didn’t even know when he had fallen asleep.

‘Why?… oh.’

His memories came back in gentle streams. The emotions remained, yet their intensity faded to a black and white, as if he was reliving that moment as a spectator in a noir cinema.

The dead dhionne being carried away for their untimely cremation, the lifeless body of a young boy torn in half, and the survivors looking on with their numb, unfeeling gazes. The little girl who could not cry even though her entire being screamed of anguish.

So he cried in her stead, in their stead.

And now, he sat more awake than ever.

He looked towards the girl sitting at the edge of the bed right by the window. Her placid gaze fixed onto the many moons outside.

The night was chilly, the wind bringing an icy calmness with it as it comfortably ruffled Elrhain’s fuzzy hair.

‘Had it rained?’

From where he was, the sky didn’t look madden with angry cumulonimbi. But it had a certain luminous quality to it as if the stars had been magnified by widows of water, and the light now scattered of surfaces in a much more vigorous manner. The forest cacophony outside was crisper, and every breath so fresh.

So distant from the death and sorrow from earlier.

Elrhain crawled, too lazy to stand up, and took a seat beside Agwyn.

“Annie…”

“It’s not our fault.” She said. “We didn’t know some dumb ritual would cause a mass refugee cwisis. No one told us. They were all cwyptic and like, listen to the ancestors’ guidance!”

“I agree,” Elrhain said, and Agwyn turned towards him with an unconvinced look. She scrutinized his face carefully before gently smiling.

“I thought you would still be blaming yourself. Making up how oh so unfortunate you are, my dear self-deprecating best friend.”

“… I did enough of that in my head already, so you are kind of right.”

A moment passed before both of them laughed. It was weak, had no humour, and, as Agwyn said, self-deprecating.

“Annie, can I ask you something?” Elrhain asked. His uncharacteristic reservation made Agwyn’s eyes quiver. Yet, she nodded.

「Are you Annie because you are Agwyn?」 The hesitation in Elrhain’s magical voice was unmistakable for the nervous little girl, 「Or because you are Annamaria Hildebrand?」

Agwyn averted her eyes, but Elrhain pushed on.

「Am I Ellie because I am Elrhain, or Alex Fischer?」

He could see her tiny body tremble with every word. But this was something he wanted, no, needed to know. It would decide him an answer to a question all too important to ignore anymore.

Finally, after ten more minutes of silence, or perhaps rumination, Agwyn opened her tiny mouth.

「I don’t know.」She said, and Elrhain sighed. But suddenly, the girl started weeping, repeating her answer out and without, “I don’t know!”

And within, 「I don’t know!」

Before he realized it, Elrhain found himself hugging her quivering shoulders. It was a tight hug, and whatever hesitation Elrhain might have felt with himself the days prior vanished like puffs of smoke. He stroked her leafy hair as gently as he could while the girl’s sobbing turned into muffled wails.

“I don’t know….”

It wasn’t until Eluned rushed into their room that Agwyn regained a semblance of tranquillity. But even then, she was unwilling to let go of him. Finally, Elrhain’s mother laid down beside the two in the bed. She hummed a lullaby, her soft singing harmonizing with Agwyn’s gentle breathing.

For once, Elrhain felt guilt for making the two most important women in his new life upset.

*******

Eyes red and a strained smile, Agwyn piped after swallowing a boiled bone-marrow-like piece of meat. “Are you bullying me?”

Elrhain smirked, “What? You embarrassed that you had to be coddled to sleep two days in a row-owe! Ouch! Stop that!” He tried to push away the hands pulling his hair and ear, but the other party was too strong.

“Rude.” Finally, after Cyra had pried off Agwyn’s iron grip while picking up the flailing daughter, he complained with a nasal tone. The little girl just hmphed before shyly lowering her eyes. She started awkwardly twiddling with her fingers.

“Does it matter if I am Annamarie or Agwyn? I still love-”

“Alright! I get it. Geez, Annie, you don’t have to say such embarrassing things out loud.” He stopped, 「We have Earth common for a reason, you know! 」

「E-Ellie, what if one day I forget how it is like to be the old me and completely become a different person? I-I’m scared. What if this strange world turns us into people the past we would detest? What if you don’t want to be with me anymore because I don’t have a cute tail like Siani or Ysbail?」

「Eh, they do have cute tails. 」 Elrhain scratched his ear, but then he shuddered, sensing danger. 「Put that plate down, you violent hag! I dare you to throw that at me. I double dare you. Let’s see how you fare when I stop talking to you for a month straight.」 When Agwyn reluctantly discarded her artillery, Elrhain nodded while huffing through his nose; finally, he stood up to the real bully.

He scoffed at the glaring little girl while chiding, 「Good. Now listen. And forget Siani, for disc’s sake. She’s got a crush on my father, not me! 」

Elrhain cleared his throat before he continued.

「I pondered about this a lot the past few weeks. Ultimately, we are already different people than we used to be back then. But I came to the conclusion that one, it is entirely useless to worry about this. But I won’t tell you to stop worrying; just stop letting the worry take over your whole life. Because two, the most shameless part of our humanity will ensure that while we do change, it won’t fundamentally alter the person we grew up to be for seven decades on Earth. You get me? 」

Agwyn tilted her head in confusion.

「Consider it like this. You told me the clan is more like a dictatorship. I know you wanted me to recognize that no matter what farked up thing we do here, the other noble houses can’t do anything to hinder our betrothal. Regardless of my deficiencies, regardless of there being more talented kids than me that they want to pimp. Because the three Earthloch leaders and Cyra, a sky realmer, will always be our ally. Am I right?」 Agwyn nodded, not minding Cyra, who was very un-sky-realmerly trying to shift her attention away from Elrhain.

「But our worries are rooted in this very fact. What if we get used to such… privileges. I can use absolute power to do a lot of good where dissidents don’t really matter. Unlike in the Collective, you or your mother here won’t have to heed any other political faction’s standpoint. We can force development, education, science, and so many other things. And at the end of the journey, maybe a hundred or more cycles later, who will we become at that point?

Will we become authoritarian leaders? Leaders who will grow so used to our word being the mandate of God, so numb to worldly struggles that we are essentially no different dictators with messiah complexes? If that happens, we will have no restraint. There will be no bottom line we won’t cross because of the greater good. Maybe one day, even our own opinions will clash.」

「No! I don’t wanna!」Agwyn shook her head fiercely, wanting to refute his point, but Elrhain held his index finger up.

「… Power numbs. Human history has proven that again and again. And even though our bodies are dhionne, we are humans. Yet, then I realized… I was overthinking! And how that is such a wonderful thing.」

Elrhain beamed, and Agwyn looked even more bewildered.

「I read a lot of philosophy books right after I dissolved my company and… that thing with Naomi. Never stop thinking,they almost invariably say. I can use Earthloch’s unquestioned authority to forcefully bring about good. But internally, I can scream and complain and blame myself for days to come because, as a modern human, how dare I abuse such great power! Since most of the subjects of Earthloch literally cannot complain, my inner voice has to ever be the harshest critique. Wittgenstein, Nietzsche, Foucault, and even Marx said a controlled evaluation of one-self can be a whetstone for steadfast resolve.

Humans are hypocrites like that. It’s one of the things that ultimately brought us from the stone age to the space age in less than two hundred and fifty thousand years. No, actually, it is less than ten thousand years. It is a generally progressive direction even with cataclysmic human-made extinction events, especially in the last three millennia after the common era had begun.

The hypocrisy of blatant self-blame forced us to iterate repeatedly until our selfish justifications for doing what we do best started reflecting reality, our sheer shamelessness bringing a net positive change to the world.

It may sound weird coming from me, but the very fact I worry about what I will become will be the crux of keeping me both as… Elrhain and Alex, until the day I die again. As long as you are with me, my inner critique questioning my every move and deepest desires will never weaken. As long as I am with you.」

The little girl’s eye widened, her mouth gaping bigger as understanding dawned on her tiny face.

「Until now, I have only taken the extreme negatives of what can happen. But I realize the positives are much likelier if I can tackle the negative consequences of my actions smart enough. Worrying will not solve future problems. But we can’t help but worry, can we? So let’s just commandeer our rebelling feelings and turn them into something useful. Call it a trigger, a red button, or a kill switch when we inevitably start imposing upon the dhionne what we selfishly think will be better for them. And sure, that power will definitely change me, us. However, what are the chances I will really turn into a Hitler, Stalin, Mao or John W. Smith of 22nd century USA?」

「Or… Elon Tusk?」

「Eh, yes, him too. As long as I keep thinking, as long as the nightmares don’t lead to depression, I will keep questioning and double-guessing and never stop brooding in this life on mine. What choices we make from here will define me for years to come, yes, but my real truth or die moment has already occurred in a life not bound by the rules of this world, which will define me far more than my current choices.

The same for you. We are too old, Annie. Even if we fret and speculate about what could go wrong days in and out, it is okay as long as that brooding positively affects our outward actions. I don’t want to trick myself into believing I need to be absolutely pure, like an angel, when I try to “save”Earthloch from its Palaeolithic era problems.

However, I must always be truthful with myself and you, no matter how awful those truths may be. Even though we cannot share many things, like our reincarnation with our family, we must at the very least be honest.

I realize, my modern values and education, my self-deprecating demons, will only serve to keep me grounded. Like a tug war inside me by the extreme ideologists against the hedonistic dogmatist, which dictators are so eager to become. I.. I, are you listening to me?」

「Ey, yes. Go on.」  「Annie, you are embarrassing me!」 Elrhain whined, seeing the little girl’s attention shifting to her mother.

「Okay, I am sorry. I understand what you said five minutes ago, but now you are like, repeating the same thing over and over again.」

「You! …may be right about that.」 Elrhain deflated, but then pumped himself up again, 「But you get my point, right? It won’t be a bad idea to try to solve this refugee crisis if I justify myself like this, right? Right?」

「I guess… I won’t say I am still not worried about our future. But I like that you said you will always stay with me and make babies with me and name them Elizabeth and Maximilian.」

「Eh? When did I say that?」 Elrhain started, eyeing the little girl warily.

「You must have forgotten about it when you repeated yourself like a loony. Don’t worry. The key point is, so long as you don’t cross me for some fantasy girl out there like Siani, we won’t have any problems. It’s okay if you like Agwyn or if you dislike Annamaria, but you mustlove Annie, okay?」

「… I feel like you only cared about that specific point and not the existential crises I just went through. Are you sure you love me?」

「Eh, what are you talking about? Of course I do. And they are the same thing, all right? If you don’t love Annie anymore, then that means you have become a heartless dictator, a future change the you of now dread more than anything.

In that case, I have to be your inner voice and stop you before you begin to gawk perversely at other girls. It’s the same for me, okay? If one day Ellie does something that makes Annie not love you anymore, it’s actually Annie’s fault, and you will have to stop me, okay? And as long as we keep stopping each other from not loving each other anymore, it will be fine.」

Elrhain started at the girl, and she stared back defiantly. Finally, Elrhain admitted defeat,

「Your heart is in the right place, but I still feel like your logic is wrong.」

Agwyn squirrelled to his side and opened her arms.

Elrhain scoffed. But then her puppy eyes got too much, and he hugged her while rolling his eyes. They didn’t really fight, but the current situation was a lot like making up after a quarrel, which felt extremely strange to Elrhain.

Unfortunately, the boy lost control over his poker face soon enough, and both of them burst into fits and giggles, much to the pouting Cyra’s envy.