Quick update on my health (Not quick AT ALL) (Patreon)

Hey everybody!
I wanted to let you all know how I've been doing and how I'll be moving forward for the rest of the month
Unfortunately I haven't recovered much yet from the initial stress from last week yet. I really cut back and gave myself time to destress, treating myself to lots of rest in bed, going to an art exhibition, drinking lots of tea and hot cocoa...and usually I am one to quickly recover from stress once I caught myself pushing myself too hard.

But it's different right now. Going outside is weird right now. It's as if once you leave the house, with every breath you take you're inhaling FEAR. And I think it's time I get more personal and share just what exactly it is that is going on with me, because I can't really think of any way to explain this in a  "socially acceptable" and "relatable way":

I am like a SPONGE to other people's emotions. Since I've been born I have been hypersensitive, in a way that was very hard for me to deal with as a kid, because when I was small I just needed to shake hands with another person to receive AAAAALL their personal emotional baggage.
It's why for the longest time I couldn't enter certain places, especially graveyards for example - not because of GHOSTS floating around, but because the air was so soaked with the emotions of grieving and mourning families, it filled my eyes with tears and my body with overwhelming emotions IMMEDIATELY.
You can also place me into historical buildings or cities and I'd be able to tell if the place still oozes with the suffering and the medieaval energy of people from 500 years back or if the place is perfectly fresh and clean with no traces of old energy! It sure was FUN as a kid to visit a family living in a 800 year old house, that wasn't spooky AT ALL (That's a lie, it was very scary)
One time I sat in an Italian restaurant and turned as pale as the walls, because something had happened in this building in the past. I didn't know it at the time, but Jews had been hiding in here from the police during WW2 and I could feel their fear and paranoia. The fear of being captured. They're coming. They'll find us. It was so real I felt sick to my stomach and we had to leave the restaurant.
And that's the shit I've been dealing with for all my life!!
Life is hella strange!! And I usualy don't share this side of myself AT ALL because it scares people - because life is already complicated enough as it is and most people do not want to know just how much there's actually out there and that I am able to feel all of those things...

But I no longer want to hide or LIE when I'm trying to express what is going on with me. Not that I lied last week, but I never tell the FULL story. And it can make me feel incredibly lonely when I'm dealing with so much that's hard to explain to people.
I've been doing this for 27 years with only 7 people at best ever knowing how I experience my everyday surroundings. 3 of those only recently learned how I tick and I'm glad I've been able to share it with them.

And right now? Right now with TWO wars going on, with questionable governments leading and  inflation hitting every home? I can't think of a single person in my environment who ISN'T scared, worried or stressed to some capacity. MOST people are going completely insane right now to be honest. And the AIR is so thick with people's emotions and uncertainty for the future, you could cut it straight with a KNIFE.
Even my mom could feel it when we left the museum. We had a wonderful afternoon in there with a cup of tea and the best cake I had in ages and the moment we stepped out of it into the bustling city, she looked confused at me and said "Oh god I could break out into tears immediately??? WHAT IS THIS???"
We're both quite sensitive, but usually it's just ME who feels the energies THIS strongly.
It was like getting hit on our backs with a HAMMER.

And I think this is the reason why things just take...so much more time right now than they usually do for me.  It is HARD to function right now when with EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE you inhale FEAR. Fear, that isn't even inherently yours!

YESTERDAY I had a moment of peace, where suddenly, for just a moment - all those fears and that weakness and the stress was gone and I could feel myself again. And it was SUCH a relief because I could feel that at my core, I was doing okay! I was not broken. I've been me this whole time. I've just not been able to feel it for two weeks because of all the stress and anxiety, from both the outside AND the self-made one on the inside, that was piling up on me like a thick blanket.

So I know I'm gonna be okay again. Being creative is HARD right now when everything is so draining, but I can feel that I want to draw. I want to be creative, I WANT to express myself. It just takes a little longer than anticipated to gain that strength again.

Can you believe that at the same time I wanna stream SO BADLY today? Maybe I won't get to draw much, but I'd be happy to just spend time with you guys.

I know this is a lot to take in. And maybe some people will not believe me on how I feel or don't wanna hear it and I won't judge you for that. But it was important to me to share with you guys how I experience the world everyday. This is my reality. I've seen a lot shit, I've felt a lot of shit, I have been through one HELL of a strange childhood. And it's hard, but I've been dealing with it better and better with each passing year.

Right now it's just really hard with the world being in shambles and everyone being scared around me. But I'm gonna be okay again and I will learn to distance myself from this too. Today was the first day I felt a little like myself again!
And I SURE as heck know I'll feel a whole lot better having shared this fundamental side of myself. Maybe there'll be a time one day where I can just unapologetically be myself through and through, but I don't think the world is ready for that right now...I don't think I am ready for that yet!

This was definitely a first step and I'm definitely looking forward to being ALL of me in the future.
Thank you for reading and thank you all so much for all your incredibly supportive messages last week, I am so grateful for all the support and understanding you've showed me! 😭 💖💕💖

When I feel better again I wanna draw soooooooooooooooo much fun stuff for Christmas, I am already feeling the CHRISTMAS SPIRIT APPROACHING, for some reason I am really excited for December this year :D

Again, thank you for reading and thank you for being so incredibly kind and supportive, I really appreciate it a lot 😭 💖💕💖💕💖
~Eleanor ☺️💖