Real Genius (1985, Martha Coolidge) (Patreon)

34/100

Cult comedies from 1985 that I unaccountably skipped at the time aren't faring well when I finally catch up with them decades later. Unlike Clue (the enduring appeal of which I literally do not comprehend), Real Genius isn't borderline unwatchable; there are mildly amusing moments scattered here and there, even if I can't remember any specific examples a mere 36 hours later and none struck me as notable enough to jot down. But do the people who love this film and urged me to see it likewise revere, say, Bachelor Party, which was likewise written by Neal Israel and Pat Proft? Because the two movies strike me—assuming that I can trust my yeesh 37-year-old memory of Tom Hanks, "Party Animal"—as nearly identical in sensibility, proficiency and general funniness (or decided lack thereof). "I want to see more of you around the lab," William Atherton's usual authoritarian asshole tells Chris. "Fine, I'll gain weight" he replies. It's as if someone had been challenged to rewrite a Groucho Marx one-liner in a way that makes the humor strictly theoretical. I perked up briefly when Mitch descends into Lazlo's secret lair, but that turns out to be just a cautionary tale about what happens to someone who takes work and school too seriously. Nor can I remotely perceive Coolidge's signature here—mighty hard to connect the dots between this sort of tepid "iconoclasm" and Rambling Rose, or even Lost in Yonkers. (Haven't seen Valley Girl.) I dunno, fellas, what am I missing? Is Police Academy (also written by Israel & Proft) ripe for reappraisal? Should I check out Moving Violations?

But Val Kilmer, you perhaps object. Kilmer's terrific in Top Secret!, but seems badly miscast to me here in a role that practically screams Matthew Broderick (though maybe that wasn't the case pre-Ferris). He's never remotely credible as a brainiac, even allowing for the character's counterintuitive conception, and looks ill at ease whenever Chris isn't in full-bore goof mode. Which is admittedly not often, but then why bother with the scientific aspect at all? Just make a comedy about a type-A freshman and his devil-may-care roomie, which is all Real Genius really is at bottom. If you must stick with the whole exploiting-kids-for-a-military-contract business, at least come up with something less climactically lame than having a laser fill the bad guy's house with popcorn...and if you insist on going with that nonsense (which I guess some folks enjoy?), for god's sake find a setup that doesn't have me sitting there for over an hour wondering when the hell that random "I hate popcorn" line is finally gonna pay off. (No, I didn't know what was gonna happen. This film has somehow remained totally off my radar for almost 40 years. Not one familiar bit.) And maybe don't have Kent, following the commands of a mysterious voice in his head (okay, there's an example of very mild amusement—mostly the mid-sentence cuts from the booming, manipulated sound to Mitch speaking normally into the mic), see all of his nemeses unexpectedly outside Jerry's house, shouting at him not to go inside, and then just ignore them and go inside anyway rather than find out what the hell's going on. This movie is dumb. Oh, and Patti D'Arbanville! The fuck was that about? Mitch made her list of the 10 finest minds in the country at age 12, and she thought "Just three more years, then he'll be 15"? Or do three years elapse over the course of the movie, thereby making him legal? (In which case why hasn't Chris long since graduated?) THIS MOVIE IS DUMB. Michelle Meyrink's hyperactivity holds up okay, and I hadn't known until now that a contemporaneous film ended with "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," the song I most strongly associate with my high school years. Other than that, though, I genuinely have no idea why anyone would still care about this today. Enlighten me, fans and proponents. I yearn to understand.