My 10/10 tweets (Patreon)

I have a recurring bit. I'll do a gag on twitter and then self-grade it. I've had a few misses, probably more misses than hits if I'm honest. But occasionally I'll smash it out of the park and give myself a 10/10.

As far as I can tell it's only happened six times in the past few years, so at the behest of a colleague here is a list of the six tweets I've done where I have hit my peak and given myself 10/10 for them.

Warning, I'm a puerile, immature man; and I know my mum is a subscriber so I'm sorry in advance (though not that sorry because I also know you pay the cheapest subscription):

This tweet is what inspired me to write this column. Plunket's original tweet was so fucking dumb that I had to ridicule it. It took me a while to figure out how I wanted to ridicule it but I got there in the end. Pretty happy.

Going all the way back to 2018 for the next one. It was a weird time. National was looking for reasons to attack the Government and decided that they'd become weirdly obsessed with the Tahr cull that occurs annually to protect our native forests. This is a level of word-play that I have never managed to repeat.

The next one was just silly, and made me laugh and laugh and laugh. It was during the 2020 election campaign, when National was right at its depths. I think this was like iteration 3 of its billboard? 

I also got a message from Judith Collins saying that she objected to being called a potato. Fucking lol.

This next tweet didn't do the numbers that I felt it deserved. To be fair you do need to be privy to background info on me and Kim to get it. For context, Kim has a condition called didelphic uterus, which means she has two uteri. We've written publicly about this when we wrote about our infertility journey. Kim and I like to call it double cunt.

As an added bonus, Kim crushed it in the responses. DairyMan (Kreg), followed along our story so he was well versed on the term "double cunt".

This tweet is one of my favourites. Hamish Rutherford was tweeting out his disappointment that the Government was issuing a bunch of documents late on a Friday afternoon; a time when journalists have the least amount of time to go through them all.

And finally, I think this is my favourite tweet I've ever done. It's not puerile, it's not mean, it's just fucking funny. I still laugh every time I see this photo.

So those are my 10 out of 10 tweets. You may not agree. But that's ok, because I believe in me. I think I'm funny. And self-belief is really the most important belief.