A Late Thanksgiving Post (Patreon)

I somehow managed to have three thanksgivings on three different nights this year. One with my family in Seattle, one with a bunch of sex workers (lovingly termed Trapsgiving) and one with my moms in Maryland.

I stated this post on thanksgiving, proper, but I had too many thoughts and feelings. It took this long to get this, which is very long and probably rambly. The short version is, I am thankful for you, my patrons. You have done a LOT to make my life and, hopefully, my art, better.

When I started going to my therapist he kept asking "Why *now?* What happened to push you to finally make an appointment?"
This is a reasonable question to ask. It would make sense that people would look for help when they hit rock bottom. But I hadn't. Nothing huge or terrible had happened recently. The only answer I could come up with was "I finally had time to get around to it."

But I didn't really mean time. I meant Security. I meant Health Insurance. I meant I cared enough about myself to think I deserved help. My mental illness had always been a rock in my shoe while I was running for my life. Did it hurt? Yes. Did it slow me down? Absolutely. Was it doing all kinds of unnecessary damage? Boy howdy! But I was running for my life so it's not like I could just stop and take off my shoes.

I was running from poverty, mostly. Just keeping my bills paid took a LOT of work. But I was also running from my own self hatred, my own loneliness, my fear of failure and my disappointment in my career. I was also chasing the idea of making a living as a performer, a goal that always seemed just out of reach.

So what changed? Lots of things, but the first was Johnny. Relationships had always been an exciting and easy distraction from problems I didn't know how to deal with. Paralyzed with fear of finding a job after graduating? Have an affair and force your live in boyfriend into a poly relationship! Who has time to be scared when you're constantly crying and/or making out?
Being with Johnny gave me both the structure and freedom that I needed from a relationship, along with a minimum of drama. I finally felt secure in my love life. I felt supported enough to focus on the harder problems that scared me.

Then there was you all. Launching my patreon gave me money that I could spend on my art without guilt or fear (like paying for a photographer on the Hannibal show, or a subscription to adobe photoshop) It doesn't cover all my bills and mostly I just save it for art stuff, but it made me aware of the fact that there are people who care about whatever weird stuff my brain comes up with. Not just burlesque, not just being sexy, but also writing, drawing, photography, and costume creation. And pushing myself to actually make and promote a patreon, and having people respond favorably, made me feel like maybe I *do* deserve to make an actual living.

That, coupled with reading lots of Get Bullish, and finding out that even my heroes aren't really making a living off of burlesque, made me realize that there's no shame in making my living off other things, and there are other things I enjoy doing that pay actual money. And I realized that burlesque is a lot more fun if you only do it when you *really* want to.

I finally had room to slow down, to breathe, to track my progress and to plan my next steps. I'm still not great at the planning but I'm getting better.

When a gig that *seemed* good rejected my reasonable price quote, I was able to confidently walk away from it. (Spoiler alert: That gig turned out to be terrible!)

When Johnny and I decided to buy a house, I could give a solid idea of how much money I was currently making, and could confidently plan to make more next year.

When Johnny's girlfriend asked me to come to Seattle to perform and work with her and get to know each other on our own terms, I was able to fit it into my budget. I had a great time, made new connections, and had some fantastic performing experiences. And now Johnny's girlfriend is also my girlfriend. And I have a lot of new essay material.

So thank you, you awesome people, for the stability to move forward, to take risks, to slow down and take care of myself. The security to say no to bad situations and say yes to chances to grow.