Chapter 348 (Patreon)

This ch only covered half of what i wanted, so I might extend it if the rest isn't enough for another chapter. We'll see.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iuzt8J5xs5at_coqam2PKqlXES2hnHVsDTB-vaKtAjI/edit?usp=sharing

“Oddly enough, this wasn’t the worst wedding banquet I’ve attended.”

My dry wit remains wholly unappreciated as my guests sit in shocked silence, staring at me like I’m some sort of monster. I feel kinda bad for making them wait while I ate, but in my defence, I forgot about them in all the excitement of almost dying and subsequent impromptu surgery. I supposed I could’ve put on some nice clothes or maybe even just a shirt before standing up to address them, but I’m too tired to walk and I’ve learned my lesson about changing in public. Coughing awkwardly to clear my throat, I clasp my hands and incline my head, following Yuzhen’s instructions to not bow or apologize. “This has been a lovely evening in honour my concubine Zheng Luo, but sadly all good things must come to an end. Thankfully, tonight’s banquet has also come to an end.”

...

Proverbial crickets and dust bunnies. C’mon. That deserved a chuckle, or at least a smile. I’d also accept a tiny forceful exhale, not exactly a snort, but almost. Maybe they’re still miffed at being held prisoner on suspicion of murder. Yea that’s probably it. There’s no other explanation. I’m hilarious. Glancing at Yuzhen for help, she shrugs and Sends, “Tell them they can leave, but be polite about it.”

...How? God dammit, I’m too tired for this diplomatic bullshit. “Thank you for coming. Party’s over. You can go now.” Noticing their wary glances directed at the Death Corps, I wise up and add, “Err, Death Corps, take five.” The armour clad soldiers shift ever so slightly, but continue holding their weapons at the ready, unsure what my command means. “Er... at ease?” That does the trick, though I fail to see how standing at attention with their spears planted like flagpoles is relaxed.

Surprisingly, the guests accept my dismissal with aplomb and many even line up to bid me farewell, including a few bigwigs like Marshal Yo Jeong-Hun and two Major General’s whose names I’ve forgotten. They all end with the same thing, some variation of ‘No need to see me off”, which is great because I didn’t intend to. It’s all I can do to stand here and smile, impolitely looking down at my guests from the stage. I’d get off the stage, but I’ve embarrassed myself enough today, what with almost dying and whatnot. No need to add ‘face-plant off the stage’ to my list of accomplishments.

...I can’t believe I asked my poisoner for a bigger cup of poisoned tea. Or thought I had the flu. Martial Warriors don’t get the flu.

It takes the better part of half an hour to get rid of all the unwanted guests, leaving only my family, closest allies, and two hundred something slave soldiers with me in the courtyard. Even the servants and Sentinels are gone, having all been dismissed so we can chat in private. Gratefully collapsing into a chair, I rest my head against Mila’s arm and kiss her freckled shoulder. “I love your dress,” I Send. “Bold and provocative. Plus, I can see your thighs. What say we find a private room and go break my hand?”

“Incorrigible pervert.” Cheeks flushed from embarrassment, Mila tugs at her skirt in a futile effort at modesty. “Pay attention, this is serious. You almost died.”

“Okay. Later though?”

“No. Hush now.”

Disappointing, but probably for the best. I mean, this is technically my wedding night with another woman, though I don’t intend to consummate it. Luo-Luo is gorgeous and all, but I love Lin and Mila. And Yan too, though I’m still not sure what to do about her. Either way, I have no room for a fourth woman in my heart, especially not a stranger I don’t entirely trust. It doesn’t matter how beautiful she is or how perfect her skin looks, or how enormous, soft, and bouncy her breasts are...

There’s something profoundly disturbing about my psyche. Nothing turns me on more than a close brush with death. I hope tonight’s events don’t awaken anything in me. The last thing I need is a suffocation or self-mutilation fetish.

Drifting in and out of consciousness, I listen in as Akanai, Baatar, Yuzhen and Nian Zu discuss their findings. According to Fu Zhu Li, who can now add ‘lead detective’ to his list of job titles, my poisoner was found dead, ironically of poison. A different poison, a fast acting one which turned his lips blue and irises yellow. Hmm... maybe it’s not ironic and just poetic. I should look up the definition of ironic. Anyways, the servant (whose name escapes me) worked for Nan Ping’s Magistrate (whose name I never asked for) for close to a decade. This doesn’t mean the Magistrate was behind the attack, and I’d even go so far as to remove him from the list of suspects. If the Magistrate wanted me dead, he wouldn’t be dumb enough to use his own servant to do the deed. No, more likely, someone’s trying to implicate the Magistrate in all this. Unless that’s what the Magistrate wants me to think so he used his own servant, because he knows I’ll think someone’s trying to implicate him and therefore eliminate him from my pool of suspects...

Detective work is complicated...

Either way, everyone agrees that servants are easily bought and my poisoner’s death all but screams cat’s paw. He undoubtedly had accomplices, because I doubt he pricked himself on the arm with a poisoned needle, got rid of it, then stuffed himself into a chest before he died. Thus far, no eyewitnesses have stepped forward to point fingers, but Fu Zhu Li says he’s confident something will turn up soon. He’s still wearing the same clothes from earlier this evening and I don’t see any bloodstains, so I’m pretty sure he hasn’t tortured anyone.

However, I have a sneaking suspicion he intends to.

“Um... How about we offer a reward?” My first contribution to the meeting earns me a round of blank stares, and I can see them wondering if I’ve suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen. Undeterred, I press on. “You know... gold in exchange for information which leads to the identification and/or capture of the poisoner’s collaborators.” Instead of torturing poor, innocent servants. Fu Zhu Li seems like a nice guy and is super humble and helpful, but I can’t feel comfortable around a man with his particular set of skills. To a hammer, all problems are nails, so for a torturer...

After a short, uncomfortable silence, Yuzhen answers, “We can consider it.” Glancing at Baatar, they come to a silent agreement. “The Legate awaits, but you cannot meet with him like this. Your people have arranged for fresh clothes and a hot bath inside, so go clean up and then I’ll brief you on what to say.”

Fucking hell. I get poisoned, gutted, and fixed up, but the Legate still can’t be bothered to come see me. No, I have to go to him. Ridiculous. “Sounds good.”

Unfortunately, taking a bath is easier said than done as Ping-Ping objects to my departure, squeaking up a storm the moment I disappear backstage. Stupid turtle, she doesn’t care if I choke to death, but the moment I leave her sight, the world’s coming to an end. Bet she’d eat me if I died too, she seems like the type. My wildcats and bears aren’t any better either, I doubt they even noticed what happened, their attention focused on what used to be a neatly stacked pyramid of food, but is now just a sprawling mess of raw meat, pulped fruit, and half-chewed vegetables.

I’ll forgive Aurie since he appears to be in a literal food coma, sprawled out on his back with all four feet pointing skywards. As for the rest of my pets, they’re just heartless. Banjo and Baloo are still munching away, while Jimjam and Sarankho are busy playing with cabbages. Roc and the rest are long gone, leaving soon after filling their bellies to fly home for the night. Soured by the lack of love and concern from my fur babies, I steal a few minutes of sleep in the crook of Ping-Ping’s arm while Mila sorts things out. It feels like I’ve only just closed my eyes when Lin wakes me again, looking adorable in her tasteful blue dress and sapphire encrusted... hair net. “Hubby, I know you’re tired, but you’re really stinky, ya? Bath first, then you can rest a little in Luo-Luo’s palanquin.”

“Okay.” Smiling at her futile attempts to pull me up, I let her struggle a little longer before helping her out. Skipping back so I don’t get blood on her pretty dress, she flashes her toothy smile and shoos me off into Mila’s arms. Looking down at her pale, shapely calves, I realized I stained her skirt with my blood when we sat together. No wonder Lin isn’t being so clingy, though I still have no idea where Luo-Luo disappeared to. “Sorry about your skirt beloved,” I say, stepping back so I don’t stain it any more. “You should soak it in water before the blood sets in.” Like my bath water.

“It’s fine,” Mila replies, pulling my arm around her shoulder. “It’s just blood. Don’t try to use it as an excuse to get my skirt off.” Damn. Worth a shot. Half carrying and half dragging my weight, she helps me over to a bathtub surrounded by wooden dividers, put in place to hide my modesty. After peering over to make sure there are no shenanigans, Ping-Ping goes back to her meal while I wait for Mila to leave. Crossing her arms, she smirks and says, “Well? What are you waiting for? I hope you don’t expect me to take off your pants too.”

“Course not.” Turning my back to her, I shimmy out of my blood-encrusted pants while wiggling my pale butt more than necessary. If she wants a show, I’ll give her a show. Half turning to face her, I strike a pose with one hand covering my nether regions and the other covering my nipples, pretending like I’m some virtuous maiden shocked to discover a peeping tom here with me. Hand clamped over her mouth, Mila’s eyes close in muted laughter and I use her distraction to slip into the steaming hot water, resting my hands and chin on the tub’s edge so I can watch her reaction. Disappointed she missed a chance to ogle my naked body, her nose scrunches and lips pout as she stomps off in mock anger, leaving me free to enjoy my bath in peace.

It’s one thing to bathe with a crowd of people, but another thing altogether to be watched while I bathe. I’m a man. If there’s ogling to be done, it’ll be done by me.

After scrubbing the blood off my skin, I settle back and stare at the night sky, letting the hot water melt away all the tension built up in my body. Surgery without anaesthesia was highly unpleasant. Next time, I’ll ask Taduk to knock me out first. Thankfully, I passed out the second I felt his hand inside me, though apparently, I kept both eyes wide open. Yuck. Brilliant as my teacher is, I’m surprised he overlooked such a simple solution to my poisoning problem. Chi isn’t all powerful and it doesn’t fix everything. All Healing does is restore the body to its previous condition, but that ‘base’ condition changes every day, like an automatically updating save state of sorts. Lose an arm? No problem, an easy fix unless the stump heals over on its own. Even if you chop the stump off and regrow the limb, it’ll still end up as a stump when you’re done. Same thing with warts, skin tags, melanomas, and other irregularities, though Martial Warriors appear to be immune to such ailments.

Now that I think about it, there are plenty of things Chi can’t fix that can be handled with proper application of mundane tools. Maybe I should put together a second book, one on easy, do it yourself health care. Simple things like dealing with ingrown nails or proper treatment of wounds and abscess. I bet basic sanitation practices could save countless lives each year. The one percent don’t really have to worry about germs or bacteria, but the rest of the population does. Simple things like don’t chop raw meat and vegetables with the same cutting board, or wash your hands before you eat. My first book already has easy to make soap, so it’s just a matter of getting people to use it before every meal.

And maybe, just maybe, if I save enough people, I’ll stop having nightmares about the ones I didn’t.

Someone knocks on the wooden divider and I answer without thinking. “Come in.”

A second later, Fung barks with laughter while BoShui, Zian, and Jing Fei turn away, as if they’re surprised to find me naked. “You know,” Fung begins, “Most people would cover themselves up before inviting guests in.”

Unashamed, I shrug and reply, “I’m taking a bath. If you weren’t prepared to see me naked, then you should’ve waited till I was done.”

“We would, but Father says it's time we retire and leave you to enjoy your new concubine.” Pointedly glancing at my crotch, Fung feigns sympathy and pats me on the shoulder. “It’s okay. You have a wonderful personality.”

“Tch. Excuse me, but my eyes are up here. I’ll forgive you this once because I know you’re jealous.”

“Indeed I am, but only of your luck. Marriage to Zheng Luo not bestows you with such an enviable title, but the woman herself is a city-destroying beauty possessed of steely resolve. While you were unconscious, she browbeat your guests into submission with a few words to the Death Corps. Oh, it was marvellous watching her face down so many officials and officers, she’s truly a woman of noble bearing.”

His stupid joke about my title aside, Fung’s assessment leaves me with mixed feelings, considering this is another new side to Luo-Luo. In the (admittedly short) time we’ve spent together, I’ve seen her pretend to be friendly, charismatic, meek, dutiful, pitiful, and seductive at different times, but I’ve yet to see anything genuine from her. She only shows what she thinks other people want to see, and this ‘noble bearing’ might be yet another act. She’s like an onion, with too many layers of deception surrounding who she really is. Maybe I should see if she wants to marry Fung. He seems to like her and I doubt she’d enjoy a simple life in the mountains.

It’s feels strange to seriously consider gifting a human being to another person...

After Fung and BoShui say their farewells and set off, Zian and Jian Fei stick around, their backs turned while I splash around in the tub just to fill the awkward silence. After what feels like an eternity, I finally ask, “So... did you have something you wanted to talk about?”

Jing Fei answers for the both of them. “No.”

“...Then why are you still here?”

Flashing me a murderous glare, Jing Fei snarls in fury. “Because we’re waiting for you to ask.”

She’s super hot when she’s angry. She reminds me of a snake, so lithe and relaxed, yet ready to strike without warning. “...Ask what?”

“If I poisoned you.” Crossing her arms beneath her impressive bosom, she puffs out her chest and tilts her nose to the sky. “I didn’t, just so you know. If I wanted you dead, you wouldn’t be here exposing yourself to a fair maiden like some vulgar old man.”

“Ah. I see... Well... Thanks for clearing things up.”

“That’s it?” Grabbing the side of my tub, Jing Fei looms in what she thinks is a threatening manner, but offers me a wonderful view of her pale, perky breasts. “You don’t even want an Oath? You think so little of me, you didn’t even consider I might have poisoned you?”

Flipping over to hide my junk before it shames me even more, I shrug and answer, “Well truth be told, the thought crossed my mind once or twice, but in the end, I trust Zian.” Though not his mom or Jing Fei. Why are beautiful women so hard to trust? “Besides, Zian just asked for my help, so it’d be pretty stupid to have me killed. If I die, Baatar and Akanai would no longer have any reason to shelter him.”

Once again, it’s blank stares all around. Self-conscious of their disbelief, I submerge myself underwater and give my hair a good scrub, thankful I did once I find some crusted blood on the back of my head. Jebus, how much blood did I lose? When I emerge from the water, I find Zian and Jing Fei have been replaced by Gerel and Yuzhen, neither one looking pleased with my antics. “You...” Yuzhen starts, her hands moving to pinch my cheeks but stopping mid-way. “You were right to hide your new status as an Imperial Consort, but did you have to keep it from us too?”

Does no one care for the sanctity of the bathtub anymore? Why are these dividers even here? Might as well throw them all away and charge admission. “I wasn’t hiding it, not exactly. Hand me the towel please?” Might as well get out, water’s getting cold anyways. The brisk night air has me shivering seconds after getting out of the tub, my scrawny frame completely lacking in fat to insulate me from the cold.

Wrapping the towel around my shoulders in an intimate and uncomfortable show of affection, Gerel asks, “Then why keep it from us?”

“The truth?” With a sheepish shrug, I continue drying myself off and confess, “I don’t like how it sounds.” Getting sick of all the blank stares, I continue explaining and hope they’ll understand my logic. “‘Imperial Consort’ makes me sound like I’m someone’s kept man, a pet and plaything for a powerful woman. It’s emasculating, so I kept quiet about it.” Wait. “How’d you know I’m an Imperial Consort?” Who spilled the beans?

Ignoring my question, Gerel and Yuzhen exchange glances and sigh, their displeasure and disappointment evident. Shaking her head, Yuzhen asks, “Rain... Do you understand what the title means? What benefits it provides?”

“Yea, I’m not an idiot. That was the first thing I asked.” What was it Mila said again? “It means I’m of Imperial Peerage without being beholden to Imperial Politics. Big deal. That plus two coppers buys me a grilled skewer from the market. Maybe not even, they probably raised the prices, right?”

“I can’t do this. Educate him, please.” Throwing her hands up in frustration, Yuzhen stalks away in a huff, leaving me naked and alone with Gerel.

Handing me my new pants, Gerel’s smile says more than words ever could, so sorrowful it makes my heart ache for him. Or me, I guess, since his smile is directed my way. “No need to worry,” he says, eyes filled with pity and compassion. “A warrior needs nothing but the sword in his hand and the courage to fight. Leave politics to the politicians, yes?”

Something tells me there’s more to this Imperial Consort business than I thought...