My Little Hell and Interactable Maps (Patreon)

I postponed writing this post for a long while but I doubt it will do me any good to keep it inside myself. I just need to get it off my chest otherwise my psyche is at risk spiraling into insanity.

It would be a lie to say that I don't seek out support writing this post because I do seek it. Never before in my life did I feel so lonely, lost, and confused.

It's really hard putting down my thoughts, hard to justify writing about my mental suffering and my current situation while people in Ukraine are going through hell and dying right now in this senseless war. My heart is with them and I wish them strength to fight off the invader. I would have said "they definitely need all their strength and will because there's no justice in this world and they can only rely on themselves" but as I'm writing this, it sounds a bit childish in my head. Of course there's no justice, the world is fucked up. It's that obvious. Still, becoming a nihilist, succumbing to despair, or practicing self-flagellation is no help to anyone. Most importantly it won't solve problems. I guess that's why I'm writing this post. To remind myself to fight my own little hell, no matter how tiny and insignificant it seems on a global scale.

Well, as I've already mentioned it's hard for me to put my thoughts together so I'm just going to recount the last weeks of my life. Just to get all this shit off my chest.

As you might have guessed, it started February 24th. I woke up, made myself a cup of coffee and was preparing to work on the game. Normally I tried not to watch the news until I was finished but the escalation of the events the previous days made me a little worried. Of course I couldn't even imagine that this shit could happen. That my country would end up a fucking Nazi regime.

Now, of course, after having reflected on Russia's history, it doesn't seem that unexpected. What with destroying independent media, killing political opponents, and general military propaganda. But at the moment, when I was reading that news, it seemed surreal like a terrible nightmare. And at the same time, it was so visceral. My hands were shaking, my mind was racing. My whole body was crying in panic. I couldn't get any sleep for days and what little sleep I had was infused with delirium. I feared for the people dying, for the future of both Russia and Ukraine. I won't lie, I feared for my own life. Suddenly, I found out that my country is ruled by a madman who was ready to start a nuclear war. Needless to say, I couldn't work on the game since then.

Just to get this out of the way, I never supported Putin's regime. The main reason I started the whole writing thing and working on the game was to escape from the fucking reality outside of my home. I never felt like I belonged there but never before did I feel so sick, so mentally destroyed as when I went outside after the invasion. Nothing had changed. People just continued to go about their business like nothing happened. Many supported this war.

Just to be clear, I'm NOT blaming regular people. The propaganda has been corrupting their view of the world for twenty years. The first thing Putin did when he became president was start destroying independent media and freedom of speech.

And even then, there are lots of people, braver than me, who are opposing the regime now. They speak out loudly and protest on the streets risking their lives and the lives of their relatives(yes, the regime does stoop to this kind of extortion). So please don't judge Russians until you know them. Not all Russians are a caricature of evil.

As for me, I was thinking about immigration before the war but I wasn't prepared for it at all. But the president of my country left me no choice. He stole my homeland from me and I counted hours until my flight. I could barely get any sleep fearing the flight might get canceled and that I stayed in this hell he had created, blamed by the whole world for the crimes I didn't commit. Much worse the crimes he might have forced me to commit.

Okay, maybe it was a bit dramatic. I’m feeling better now. I've relocated to another country and am relatively safe. Not in the US or Europe as I would have liked but it's a bit hard to get there, especially for a Russian, heh. If anyone can help with that though, I'll always be indebted for that.

I'm still trying to process the consequences of all of this shit. I also wish I could have some kind of predictability when it comes to my future but I have no fucking clue where it all might go.

I hesitate to ask it but never before in my life did I need support as I need it now. Financial but more importantly moral. Honestly, a few words are enough. Just to remind me that I'm not alone in this foreign world. Honestly, if not for this project and this community I might not have found strength to go through this.

To end this on a positive note, I've started implementing maps in the game. The maps will be unique and fully interactable and I hope it will bring the game to the next level.

It's all possible thanks to the awesome artist noice1bruh who has been working on it tirelessly while I was wallowing in misery the last few weeks(and who is also responsible for all the art in the game).

Because of the sanctions I can't pay him now. He isn't in a much better situation than me in terms of finances. He's from the Philippines and as you might know it is a rather poor country. So if you can, please consider supporting him. At least until I find a way to compensate for his hard work myself. Here’s his paypal: joey.azinagro@gmail.com

P.S. Русский корабль, иди нахуй. Слава Украине.