Punching Day: Way of the Warrior Kid (Patreon)

The Diary of a Wimpy Kid took off when Scholastic read “underdog story” in their own junior dictionary, and gave it a shot. Some kids related. This made veteran author Jocko Willink furious. A generation of budding soldiers were lost without securing a drop of fuel, and no one cared but him and countless rival manfluencers.

That’s not confirmed by anything but my ass. But it’s the most fun explanation for Way of the Warrior Kid, a prose guide to militarizing your childhood.

Now the military owes a veteran money, and not the usual way. Jocko met a generation halfway before the Navy had a Twitch account. With more subtlety. For all the brick messaging, Jocko skipped the word “enlist.”

Jocko’s found the cure to bullying: handing out fades like a navy barber. And you know what? That can work. But jumping another child doesn’t take six months of SEAL roleplay. Following the Warrior Kid lifestyle is like joining the priesthood for wine: no one wants you near their children.

This won’t hurt the usual way. Jocko’s not into non-pushup issues. He’s in the mainstream grindverse, next to the guy from The Scorpion King and everyone selling bicep pills. That’s weirder. I’ll explain at insomniac length, but the logo’s all you need to get it.

Or rather, get after it. Right now, you’re reading instead of doing pull-ups. Your dream’s already dead. But you can still optimize the ruins: just embrace extreme ownership, the philosophy separating SEALs from less-publicized killers. And Echelon Front from lesser TED Talks. If your job doesn’t suck: Echelon Front teaches MBAs to make money like Echelon Front. You can ask about chicken-egg logic, or take extreme ownership of your team’s results.

Usually, we’d call the subject a larper around now. But Jocko’s in the coziest lane of self-help fraud: he did something with his life first. Jocko was a real, non-“Uncle at Nintendo” Navy SEAL commander during one of our civilian-glassing sprees. Iraq II, specifically. Surviving the enemy is nice, but he beat Bush-era American strategy. A flurry of vengeful opportunism that we’ll never repeat.

Before extreme ownership made your worst boss a weapon, it made Jocko’s first book a bestseller. His pre-Warrior Kid output features Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy Seals Lead and Win. Along with four books rewriting Extreme Ownership. That approach is sustainable if you’re Tim Ferriss, but pivoting into kids’ books saved Jocko’s writing career.

Robbing me of my favorite joke: “why does this exist?” Jocko had already tapped adult insecurity, leaving children and pets. Way of the Warrior Kid held the fort until he finished Wolf Once More: Stop Barking Excuses and Fetch for Keeps. As for cats, they’re already SEALs. Ask the bird corpse on your porch.

One might reflexively love or hate his resume. That’s not my game today. I’m here for Jocko’s civilian life: Oprah for men allergic to Oprah. This series is considered perfectly sane, and better for book fairs than integration. We’re less film Sparta and more textbook Sparta.

There are four Warrior Kid books, each less full-assed than the last. I know good children’s lit takes heart, craft, and cross-generation insight. But cash-ins take an afternoon, if you write slowly. They’re an anti-effort. Jocko spent less time on this than the artist. He may have literally dictated this book while doing push-ups.

Let’s get after it. Per publishing trends, our hero is a fucking loser.

Or at least that’s the tone. With self-help goggles, this unoptimized child is a Wall-E extra.

It’s 2017, so this joke’s less hack and more self-indulgent. You’ll find Jocko’s very into Jocko. He has all the pride illustrator Jon Bozak doesn’t take in his work. Conversely, this decidedly average child thinks he’s a morlock, and the universe agrees. Marc’s earned torment from Kenny, the local CPS failure:

I’ll assume Kenny’s terrifying. I got off light with bullying, since we thought all nerds were two puns away from ventilating the cafeteria. Today, we know better. Everyone’s two puns away from ventilating the cafeteria. You only have one childhood, torment the weak while you can. Those memories save your smile after a shooting.

You know how tracts work: leads start out worthless, pick up the author’s values, and become God. This children’s book and Wanted have the same outline. Some whiners note that loser everymen imply that you, in your current state, are worthless. I’m some whiners. Me. I don’t even take mild accountability.

Luckily, Marc knows a killing and mentorship machine.

Note the arrow pointing to his heart, reading brave. That’s as subtle as we’ll get. It takes a second to scan, shouts instead of screams, and the illustrator doesn’t have to draw it. Good for you, Uncle Jake.

Forgive a midterms-week stretch. But this perfect font of wisdom and beef might be Jocko. Excellent. Insecurity is much funnier from people with claims to fame. Nothing can fill that hole. If Jocko were Edison, he’d write Respecting Lightbulbs: The First Step to Respecting Yourself. If Jocko were a Cheney, he’d write No Accountability: Why It’s Mostly Your Fault. If Jocko were me, he’d write I’m Very Smart: Here’s an Entire Fake Dictionary.

Naturally, Marc asks Jocko/Jake how to live in the sun.

Warrior Kids! Sounds boss. Like commandos, but younger. You know, mini combatants. Junior fighters. Rascals with rifles. Child soldiers.

That angle doesn’t graduate subtext. But it mixes badly with the by jingo themes. Then again, MacMillan editors were fine with Jocko tripping into Victory Gundam puns.

I was bullshitting earlier, but Diary of a Wimpy Kid resentment’s sneaking in, like a brick. Fair strategy: Challenger Brand 101 says to make an older product the enemy, and co-opt all that rebellious energy consumers should turn elsewhere. Avis, Pepsi, Megadeth; expect BAE to rebrand as the indie doom factory. Jocko speaks fluent self-help, so I’m sure he learned more taking notes in brand camp than I did asleep.

The first step of The Secret is fixing your body. Marc’s first pushups end in disgrace, punished by another Bozak sketch:

Shameful. Jocko/Jake knows it’s time for a lifestyle change.

Uncle Jake has definitely armbarred a CPS agent. Sidebar: if your ego’s tied to your triceps, sleep in as much as your bones ask. You’ll spend less time taking extreme ownership for your rotator cuffs.

This is wonderful. I came ready for a half-assed metaphor, but Marc’s getting a full boot camp identity breakdown. For kids. And it’s aspirational, instead of a YA dictatorship.

I love publishing. All the educated morons of politics, and none of the consequences.

Marc steps up. And by that, I mean gets dunked on. I haven’t seen kids owned like this since we killed school lunch. Or glassed that orphanage. Or subsidized glassing that other orphanage.

I don’t get it. When I pitch Commando vs. Child, networks drag me out of the building. Yet it’s fine in prose. When I write A.I. Host Tortures Singles, publishers shred the manuscript. But it’s fine on networks. Whatever.

I’m a hybrid dork, so these exercises sound like English. But Jocko’s skipped the “explain anything you’re talking about” part of teaching. That confuses college seminars*, so fifth graders might drift. You can’t vomit ExRx onto the page and convince happy children they aren’t. Well, unless you want a four-part zero-effort cash mill. Advantage Jocko.

*Never expect anyone, anywhere to read footnotes.

With his confidence gone, it’s time to rewire Marc’s mind. Jake/Jocko hands him The Way of the Warrior Kid, and reality shatters.

But really, he hands him a binder called The Way of the Warrior. It’s not a crease in spacetime, or this book with better art. It’s Uncle Jake’s war scrapbook, and honestly a fun move.

Uncle Jake’s collected warrior mantras throughout history, which we get in part. Jocko’s clearly literate, which makes his prose a mystery. Mixtape samples include The Ranger Creed (note Jocko’s immunity to inter-branch dick-waving contests), Marine Corps Core Values, The Seven Virtues of Bushido, The Viking Laws, and–hold on. Detour time.

Ah, looting and fencing. Hell yeah. But who’s this for? My nephew’s worst bully posts catty memes. Vikings aren’t role models for kids without nicknames from warlords. History has more useful examples for dorks than Askeladd. You don’t need to get that joke, because you don’t have to torch any villages. We have robots for that.

Don’t. Civilization still hasn’t recovered from chivalry’s last world tour. I was wrong: Marc should be a Viking. He should wear the pointiest helmet he can find, and bisect anyone that laughs. Don’t be a knight.

In case I’ve buried the point behind punchlines: this is Jocko’s self-help content in Nicktoon form. Subsequent chapters cover jiujitsu, breaking plateaus, jiujitsu, memorizing the presidents for some reason, diet, and the joy of grappling. Honestly, I like the martial arts fixation. It adds a human note to an author imitating a cyborg.

Summer ends, and with it Marc’s journey into extreme ownership/formative trauma. The path. He’ll retell it all on a couch one day. For now, it’s time to test his growth. To face his past. To take a playground heckler to PainTown, USA.

I’m torn. I should type “the art sucks.” But I laugh every time I see it. A positive emotion. My endorphins are up and my blood pressure is down, despite headlines. Better yet, the art inspired these jokes–Jocko’s just along for the ride. Enjoyment and motivation: what else is art for?

It recalls my childhood favorites.

But really, this is an insult to cartooning. Bill Watterson only came back to undo this. Maybe Jocko hired a pacifist, and each page is a passive-aggressive protest. A warrior owns his team’s mistakes, so now Jocko has to go to art school. I’d joke about him battering professors, but extreme ownership demands he nod through four semesters of peacenik graffiti.

Kenny bitches out, because he’s not on the path.

Making Marc, i.e. you…the new king bully? Don’t think about it. You’re on the path. You have people to lead. This is your jungle gym now.

Meet the new boss.

Note the shrinkage. Kenny forgot size settles most fights, and the universe fined him two feet. Maybe this is a One Piece thing, where height reflects spirit. Maybe Jon Bozak was paid in threats. Maybe this is normal, and I reflexively dislike self-help, propaganda, and their crossovers. But this bully’s on reverse SARMS. By high school he’ll be Atom Ant’s height, and back to using his size for evil. And who can blame him? That SEAL kid terrorized him for years.

Iffy message for middle grade fiction, but it could be worse. This could be a coloring book.

Ah well.

Calling subjects morons gives me life, like monologuing for Castlevania vampires. But Jocko's goal-oriented. His objectives were making a brick of money, making a backup brick, and bringing his cult to recess. He’s three for three. After two years in juvie for collapsing a class clown’s lung, Warrior Kids can read Jocko’s grown-up books to learn why it's their fault.

I’m getting my ass beat for this one, aren’t I? Before I die, enjoy a few upcoming youth classics.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Mark Mahoney, a little war rhino who believed in himself. 

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.