Hot Dog Appreciation Day: In Taco Rememberance (Patreon)

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard that we are each the sole beneficiary of the other’s will. This comedy website was always going to end in a murder mystery!

But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where things are really looking up - ‘bout 15 degrees, that is. Most the ol’ neck’ll bend since the tractor accident.

Sissyneck just learned about reincarnation and he has some notes.

Think of it like this: There was lots of diarrhea in the past, too, but they couldn’t play psychologically exploitative Chinese phone games about romancing cartoon women while they had it. That’s progress!

This is a packed Appreciation Day and we can’t wait for Sissyneck to get out of the bathroom; he likes to take his time in there, practicing mindfulness. Let’s move on to the Comments, where Chauggle has-

Hell yeah, Chauggle! But don’t go to a therapist. You know the only cure for brainworms are hungry brainbirds.

Kevin Hanlon painfully rediscovers reality, as so many of us with helmetless motorcycle injuries do every day.

We’ve never made any of this up, and yet years later the assumption is always “of course that’s not real.” The brain has devices to protect itself: Brainbirds, for example.

Matthew Harris is writing his dissertation on Hot Dog Taxonomy.

And Aaron Russell is going to help him defend it.

We go to FancyShark for one thing: Aquatic horror-comedy.

Take a lesson from FancyShark: Find your niche, back into it, grab two knives, and wildly slash at anything that passes by your niche.

Merritt K wrote a Hot Dog article about Balloonatiks, the anthropomorphic balloon superhero series that never had a reason to exist. Or so we thought! Months later one of the writers for Balloonatiks came to share its dark origin story:

Sadly, that’s all very common. Pay The Writer, Ignore The Writer is standard practice in Hollywood and they’re really trying to get rid of that first part. But don’t miss the scoop here: Balloonatiks was invented to destroy clownkind! How did such a relatable, noble mission go so horribly awry?

Next it’s time for Weekend Updape with Gellaho! Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to the new apes Gellaho wrangled for us this month!

It’s Wisdom Ape! The only Ape who learned that war is a Tic Tac Toe game for chumps, and the only way to win is not to play, but to sit on the sidelines and whip feces at those who do.

Now on to the Discord, where Weiner 2600 – the AI summary bot forced on us by quisling Discord executives – continues to be violently overwhelmed.

This fucking thing is going to explode. We’re going to isolate its dataset to use as digital poison against the other robots.

Wad threw some shade at Batman, but joke’s on Wad; Batman thrives in the dark. Mo and Cyberskin Realistic Dong dragged his ass back into the light, though.

Thrillho had a reasonable request: Trap Seanbaby in a hell of his own making. DeltaFoxtrot was happy to oblige.

Heroes are forged in the fires of their times. They can only be born in response to great trauma, because we cannot worship bravery without first suffering terror. And then there’s Rob, who creates his own terror just so he can tank it like a hero for kicks. He asked a janky AI chatbot to write a recipe themed on this website for cursed media, and then promised to eat whatever it came up with. Here is his not doctor or lawyer-advised journey.

He’s dead now, as so often happens to heroes. Rob is dead. He died. We’ll never forget the lesson he taught us: Don’t eat robot food. It is poison to humans. This information will save countless lives in the upcoming Dipshit Wars.

One night Djonin invited the whole Discord to take a guided tour of Second Life, now almost completely abandoned and left to rot. There would be fucking, tragedy, fucking, bewilderment, and did you guess more fucking? You were wrong: the fifth thing was Taco!

See that? That’s a Second Life server dedicated to role-playing a college in post-Katrina New Orleans, and also somehow Lovecraftian. There’s a lot of interesting stories you could tell with that strangely specific prompt-

Right, it’s for fucking. You know what’s not for fucking?

Taco!

The abandoned Second Life pet chihuahua forever floating in a kiddie pool in an empty digital quarry.

NOT FOR FUCKING.

You can fuck the ponies, though. At your peril.

Poor Weiner 2600 is so screwed.

Congratulations, Djonin! It was actually going to be split between you and Rob this month, but as we said, Rob is fucking dead. He died, and he’s gone. RIP. You alone will care for our Hot Dog Treasure: This photo of martial arts legend Jackie Chan, bashfully proud of his adorable little outfit.

It’s the only one in existence. Care for it well.

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll send them to the FEMA relief cosmic horror sex college. It’s not as fun as it sounds!

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