Punching Day: Dinosaurs for Hire (Patreon)

Sometimes, you run across a piece of art that represents the peak of someone’s abilities as a creator. Sometimes, realizing that what you’re seeing is the peak of someone’s abilities as a creator is sad. That’s what I felt when I read an interview with Tom Mason, the creator of the comic book Dinosaur For Hire, where he said that the third issue of Dinosaurs For Hire was where he really started to figure it out. I own the third issue of Dinosaurs For Hire. It’s got Dracula in it. He went full Dracula in the issue he feels best defines his comic.

Tom Mason was one of the founders of Malibu Comics, and before Dinosaurs For Hire, he had never written his own comic before. He was more of a behind-the-scenes comics guy, working in editing and production. His role at Malibu was creative director. The idea for Dinosaurs For Hire originated from an old script Mason had lying around called Elvis: Undercover about Elvis being a secret agent. The original publisher he developed the idea with was rightfully concerned that Elvis’s estate would sue, but when he brought the idea to Malibu years later, they said he could use the script but just make Elvis into something else, like a dinosaur. Since, as we all know, the very first idea that pops into someone’s head is usually the best one, Dinosaurs For Hire was born.

Mason decided to improve on the idea of Elvis as a dinosaur by making Elvis into three dinosaurs, with no additional notes or changes to the script. The resulting comic is something far more valuable as IP that is almost, but not technically, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than anything else. Sega turned the comic into a video game loosely based on the trademarked idea of dinosaurs with guns, which was way more popular than the comic.

The origin story of the Dinosaurs for Hire is, hahaha, you expected the writer of the comic to just tell you why there are dinosaur mercenaries, you rube. You wanted Tom Mason to hold your little hand and explain the story he’s writing? No. He’s very vocal about the fact that he thinks it’s funny the Dinosaurs For Hire have no back story. “It’s not because I can’t come up with a good one; it’s because it’s a bit, you guys!” Tom Mason says as a pool of sweat collects at his feet.

Here in the third issue, we start with a fantasy sequence where Archie the Tyrannosaurus dreams about kidnapping a sorority girl. This was just so the comic could meet its mandatory woman-in-her-underwear-by-page-three quota.

The title of the issue is “Dinosaurs in Bondage” because the titular dinosaurs have been captured and chained up in a dungeon by their former handler and some vampire henchmen for some reason. Jones gives them a speech through gritted teeth like a ventriloquist about how he’s doing this because he’s greedy and sick of these wise-cracking dinosaurs. Dinosaurs For Hire is apparently known for its controversial and political humor. Let’s see if I can give you a little taste of that.

It’s a dinosaur cracking wise about Ronald Regan not dying, I guess because he survived an assassination attempt. I really like how the letterer bolded the punchline because it’s difficult writing a rimshot into a comic, but we needed some way to circle the joke for the reader. Get it; it’s edgy because he made a joke about OUR PRESIDENT.

The United States Government decides to send in Professor Tyrell to rescue the dinosaurs, along with her crack team of mercenaries, which includes a female android named Bambi who, I think it’s implied, was built to have sex with the dinosaurs. The professor says it’s tough so it can survive Reese, the stegosaurus, so I guess that’s its primary purpose, but it also fights crime. Anyway, the robot survives an explosion, but SOMEHOW all of her clothes get blown off except for half of a shirt and the most French cut panties ever to exist.

This was mainly to fulfill the mandatory nearly-nude-woman-present-for-the-rest-of-the-book quota. Bambi adds a gun holster to this outfit, but that’s all. With her new head attached, the team is on their helicopter, Dino One, and initiating their rescue plan which, of course, begins with resurrecting Dracula. We never see them discuss this. It’s zero to Dracula in one page.

It seems weird that the sex robot is disgusted by bodily fluids. Although, I guess we don’t know for sure that the dinosaurs have blood. They could be full of cotton candy for all we know. How would that work physiologically? 🎵 Tom Mason will never te-ell! 🎵 Anyway, the sex robot, the scientist, and a regular guy named Smith resurrect Dracula successfully by dumping a few Dracula things into a box, and the rescue mission is on its way.

The motley crew of dinosaurs is already working on freeing themselves from their vampire dungeon. Here is where you really start to see the character development that Mason mentioned in his interview. They’re trapped, incapacitated. This is the first time these characters have probably ever felt true vulnerability. Jones told them the people he plans to sell them to will likely dissect them, so they spend what could be their final moments together swinging around saying, “BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!” Because that is a funny and edgy thing for a dinosaur to do. This isn’t like other comics. It’s a cool comic!

The dinosaurs manage to free themselves from their shackles by recognizing shoddy craftsmanship and pulling real hard. It’s not the shackle manufacturer’s fault. They didn’t know the shackles would be used on dinosaurs. It probably said not to use them on mythical beings over two hundred pounds in the manual.

They immediately start slaughtering the vampire henchman with the legs of wooden furniture. That was just laying around their cell. In the dungeon of the vampire castle they’re in. Again, I don’t understand why the vampires are here if the plot is just how Jones is greedy and wants to sell the dinosaurs to the Russians so they can dissect and study them. Does everyone have vampire henchmen? Can none of them wear shirts?

Unfortunately, when the dinosaurs think they’ve escaped, they end up bursting into a room full of communist Russian vampires. Okay, I am making this sound radical, and I guess it is pretty radical. The vampires are all standing around watching Jones do the Hamilton pose in the middle of a stage and announcing that this was his plan all along! He captured the dinosaurs so they would escape into a room full of vampires and then…make profit? Look, I said the communist vampires were cool, not that they were in any way connected to some kind of plot. You can have a pile of communist vampires, or you can have a plot, but not both; this is a Malibu comic.

The Dinosaurs start to get overwhelmed by the vampires who have, I guess, abandoned their plan of dissecting and studying them and are now just going to tear them apart. Luckily, the still pantless robot, Dracula, the scientist, and two other guys arrive to join the fight. They all had enough time to acquire tiny stake shooting crossbows but not enough time to get a full shirt for the robot.

Dracula flies off to kill Jones, and the communist vampire pile begins to overwhelm the others until Professor Tyrell decides to blow the castle wall off, filling it with sunlight because I guess these are vampires who can operate fine during daylight hours. Even though Dracula is on the Dinosaurs For Hire team, he also gets exploded by the sun, but they’ve already unexploded him once today, so no one is very concerned about that. “Like, yuk!” says the robot built to be penetrated by Elvis’s ghost spread across three dinosaurs.

All of the good guys fly away together in their helicopter, and that’s the end of the book. Truly, this is what it looks like when a writer is at the peak of their craft. Mason has gotten to the heart of these characters, and in that heart is absolutely nothing. When Dinosaurs For Hire got a full-color reboot, it continued its grand tradition of gross edge lord humor and absolutely no other traits.

The attitude of this comic was very much, “You could never do this at Marvel!” without understanding that’s because nobody wants Marvel to do that. Marvel wouldn’t publish a comic that’s just 32 pages of Wolverine jerking off on the subway, but that doesn’t mean there’s an unfulfilled corner of the market it should be catered to. (I know DeviantArt disagrees with me on that). A single fun idea is not enough to carry a series even if your idea is dinosaurs with guns, and even if you’re also very horny.

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