Punching Day: Fighting the Pain Resistant Attacker đ (Patreon)
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We all know pain is the best way to defeat a calm, rational enemy. But what if youâre fighting a man too insane to feel karate? Or too drunk to know when to die!? In 2010, Loren W. Christensen came up with a solution. It is my great, eye-gouging honor today to show you his book called FIGHTING the Pain Resistant Attacker (fighting drunks, dopers, the deranged and others who tolerate pain).
When he wrote this, Loren was a 64-year-old former Oregon cop who had written over forty books about killing dirtbags with your thumbs and feet. âOh no, this is going to be racist,â you might be thinking. You have good instincts, but youâre wrong. In fact, on the very first page, he explicitly says three different times this is not racist:
This is a story of his time in Vietnam. He was in the military police, which might be why he puts âracial tensionsâ before âsnipers, bombings, and rocketsâ in his list of Vietnam Dangers. The story goes on for a few pages because he takes time to explain things like how hard he can punch. However, when he got behind this black maniac, and again he doesnât have a problem with that, he started throwing punches into his spine and got completely ignored. He concluded it was because âhe was padded with fat and muscle and flying high on drugs.â He had to watch as this unstoppable African American tore through people of all colors in an inclusive display of violent harmony.
It was this gigantic man, immune to the pain of punches, who inspired the fighting techniques weâll be learning today. I want to warn you, though; we will still be using a lot of pain. In fact, itâs pretty central to all of these moves. These might be my keen former-Cracked-writer senses talking, but itâs almost as if this man wrote a normal self-defense book then someone else gave it a provocative, misleading title. Anyway, letâs go over which type of enemies are weak against this book:
Itâs good against all huge guys, intoxicated guys, cranky guys, and the mentally ill. Itâs also effective against the very bonered. See, some attackers want you to hurt them. When that happens, Lorenâs advice is do it. Scrape and bonk them⊠see where the relationship takes you. The point is, this book is great against everyone except small, calm attackers. So if youâre being strangled by your kind dentist, get a different book or die. For everyone else, itâs maniac killing time.
This move rules. I went into this book expecting complicated techniques designed to cripple a Terminator robot. Instead, Loren went, âHereâs how you defend against a real jerk: steps one through three are slap them upside their fucking head.â
One aspect of Lorenâs self-defense system is to imagine a worst case scenario, a mentally deranged assailant, but also be super optimistic about itâ he probably looks around a lot and protects his brain with a papier-mĂąchĂ© skull. This would be so fantastically dumb in a regular fighting book, but itâs a stupid too magnificent to look at in this particular one. If youâre fighting a pain resistant attacker, these are instructions on how to secretly smack them without their knowledge, not disable them. Why would he ever thinâ oh, right. âPain resistant.â This is what self-defense is left with when you take away the dick attacks.
Loren livens up his groin strike theories with comedy. Like remember when figure skater Nancy Kerrigan had her knee shattered with a pipe? Ha ha you get it, she was in a lot of pain and had no idea why she was attacked. Groin strikes are sometimes like that, and sometimes not. And you canât tell if someone has a kickable penis from looks alone. Sure, kick it, but also donât bother? Another aspect of Lorenâs self-defense system is that nothing means anything and karate is more of a desperate guess than a real answer. Okay, letâs learn how to defend against a Dumpster Push.
Step One: get pushed. Steps Two and Three: bash them in the goddamn head. Just flap your paw into them like an orangutan trained to safely box children. This is glorious. As advice, it is so much less than the first instincts you would have in your first fight. This is like teaching someone to swim by saying, âI donât know, thrash around in a primal attempt at survival.â What gave Loren the idea that you could stop any grabby creep with a gentle rabbit punch? Iâm glad you asked! It was the time it happened to him!
I know better than to trust an anecdote in a karate manual, but this book does make more sense when you consider it was written by a clumsy idiot whose body immediately shuts down when something bumps into it. His next tip is probably going to be, âDistract any attacker by shouting their social security number. Mine is 240-33-0183, and the first time an enemy screamed that, I had already lost the battle. He was black, but thatâs okay.â Anyway, now you know the defense for Dumpster Push. Letâs learn how to defend a Dumpster Tackle.
Bash! Repeat as necessary! Leave! YOU ARE NOW A MASTER OF LOREN W. CHRISTENSENâS FIGHTING ARTS! Or maybe youâre skating away from a below average hockey fight. What Iâm saying is, if you needed a book to tell you âtry clubbing the angel dust warrior with your human hand,â youâre going to die. Until someone creates a style of kung fu based around holding still and waiting for death, this is the laziest martial art there could be, and Loren fights like he knows all these punches and conks are a waste of time. And I think I found another story to explain why. Itâs the time he and five cops had to restrain a bodybuilder:
Whatâs great about this story is it demonstrates how Lorenâs fighting abilities, which didnât work on a giant man who felt no pain, also didnât work on a giant man who felt way too much pain. For almost an hour, Loren and five other police officers rode around on a man who went berserk every four minutes. I love this story, and believe every word of it. If you told six cops you were a muscle werewolf, they would absolutely jump on you. Itâs called a police code 139, or a âHulk Rodeo,â and it pays double overtime. What I especially love is how after their brilliant idea of grabbing him until he let them tie him up so they could tranquilize him like an escaped rhinoceros, Loren says âThis is an example of improvising.â He thinks the dumbest fucking thing anyone could possibly do and barely winning a 6-on-1 fight was, like, an innovative solution!
A lot of Lorenâs advice is barely more than âwin the fight and leave.â His ground technique here is to already be beating the shit out of your pain resistant enemy, and if things start to go their way, smash their face against the ground and go somewhere else. âSomewhere with fewer dead bitches,â you could tell their remains.
Letâs get serious for a minute. This is the kind of takedown defense that might have been okay in the â80s when most karate battles took place in a yellow beltâs imagination, but Loren published this book in 2010. He could have asked any casual MMA fan, âWe now live in a world with 20,000 recorded tackles⊠has any man ever stopped one by clapping?â The answer is no! You canât fluff a manâs head like a pillow and expect the methamphetamines to wear off.
If the clapping didnât work and you find yourself mounted by your assailant, Lorenâs aggressively optimistic advice is to keep clapping as needed. How would this hurt anyone? What am I, Brendan Fraser at the 67th Annual Golden Globes? Boom, roasted 2010 style.
This is how to punch a maniac in the neck when he is in your mounâ wait, no. Loren, this is your âguard.â I get none of this would work anyway, but itâs worrying you donât even know the names for the things youâre getting wrong.
Youâre still wrong, Loren. About a very basic thing mentioned during every televised fight at least fifteen times. How can this be? This man claims to have 11 black belts. He has been a martial artist since Dwight D. Eisenhower was president. This is like spending your entire career editing encyclopedias and your retirement speech is, âWhat the fuck is a double U? Giraffes are bicycles, thank you.â Itâs impossible. Itâs stupid in what has to be a deliberate way. But why?
Well, I think I figured it out.
A lot of martial artists like Loren have to pretend MMA doesnât exist because when you actually test these moves, it turns out youâve been playing a pointless game of ninja make-believe your whole life. But Loren is feigning ignorance for a whole other reason. He seems to think you canât get convicted for sitting on a man and beating him to death if you donât know what thatâs called. An entire page of this book is dedicated to pretending youâve never heard the words âground and pound!â To avoid prosecution after you do it! This is the kind of detail a fifth grader would make up to explain why Steven Seagal canât be arrested for his death matches, but Loren W. Christensen was a fucking real cop. How many suspects did he let go because they claimed to have never heard the term âmissing wifeâ?
Sometimes a maniac will try to kick you. Step one is donât get kicked. Step two, three, and three again are FUCKING BASH THEM.
This is another great move you can try against your local unstoppable lunatics. After youâve won the fight, try slapping them in the neck. Loren calls this move SLAP FROM BEHIND, but you better pretend youâve never heard that name when your lawyer asks.
To save time, Loren sometimes skips past the easy part of the fight. Letâs assume youâve already defended against their attacks, taken their back, and secured their neck in a choke. For legal purposes weâll call this âthe attackerâs left mount.â Great, now squeeze. Keep squeezing. Wait for them to be groggy. Youâre listening for snores, possible whispered secrets, and⊠now! Flee.
A wall is not like a dumpster. If you are tackled into a wall, you want to clap, not conk. Itâs in your best interest not to remember this, but this forbidden move is called Fierce Urkel Plays the Accordian, and if you land it the fight is already over. But, you know what? This would be the perfect time to see if you can really break a neck like in an action moâ oh shit, it worked! Flee.
Somewhere towards the middle of the book Loren remembers its premise. He realizes all these attackers heâs dropping from ear slaps and eye pokes are supposed to be immune to pain. Itâs here where he comes up with his boldest pain resistant attacker theoryâ pain hurts again if you rub it. For instance, instead of poking your attacker in his eyes, which would do nothing to a madman, you rub your fingers across his face. Itâs crazy, the childlike plan of a lifelong idiot, but fighting madness with madness is crazy enough to work. Let me show you another example:
Once you have the junkie trapped in any face clasp or advanced head clomp, saw your arm back and forth to âactivate numbed pain sensors.â Wake up, pain. Itâs time to party. You can also use this to check if a sticker smells like grape. The point Iâm trying to make is, Loren thinks these moves are deadly because theyâre how he lost a fight to his big brother in 1953.
You wonât always be grabbing the drunks and dopers from behind. Sometimes theyâll be grabbing you! If this happens (rare), do a little peek over your shoulder to find your attackerâs eyes. If theyâre not where you look, theyâre probably in the spot youâre not looking. No time to rub! You have to just poke and hope heâs not immune to pain! Sorry, this should have been in a different book, flee.
If you hate poking and rubbing eyeballs but still want to blind an unstoppable monster, you still have some options. You can delicately flick at the corner of their eye. Thereâs no need for violence when any gesture made anywhere near the eye will cause enough pain to disable a man who feels no paiâ wait, okay, now I hear it. This oneâs dumb. But you know whatâs not dumb? Eyeball law.
Get your story straight for when you explain yourself to a jury. First tell them you tried all of your pain-based martial arts techniques. Theyâll have a hard time believing this, but next you tell them your pain-based martial arts techniques did nothing. This part of the story theyâll believe. Then, and only then, do you tell them you decided to unleash the deadly face rub that landed you here in eyeball court. Again, itâs worth reminding everyone this author was a police officer. How many murderers did he let go because they claimed their wives could not be stopped by nerve pinches? Enough legaleseâ letâs learn how to stop a tackle!
If youâre being tackled, bash the pain intolerant attacker in the brachial plexus, the most painful part of the neck. Itâs hard to find, but you can keep trying until you get it. Itâs not a great plan, but itâs only a maniac attack. Have fun with it. Speaking of fun, hereâs the origin story of why Loren W. Christensen thinks you have a magic off switch on your neck:
In the history of martial arts literature, no one has ever written a book like this. Loren has designed a combat system specifically to defeat himself, a man whose nervous system shuts down when you poke any part of him. From his point of view, Fighting the Pain Resistant Attacker is a selfless and noble act. Itâs like Aquaman handing out hair dryers in case he ever loses his mind and must be stopped.
Of all the moves in the book, this might be my favorite. You wait for your attacker to swing a knife at you and fuck it up. Then you kick them in the neck after verifying itâs a justified neck kick and making sure your kicks are faster than knife. Iâm not the one to say this because my kicks are faster than knife and Iâm never wrong, but this, every word of this page, might be the worst advice possible under any circumstance. Itâs spectacular. Maybe flee, but also maybe DEATH KICK YOUR KNIFEMAN.
Loren isnât good at taking a hit, explaining karate, or defeating the pain resistant attacker, but heâs great at slapping. I donât have any notes for this one. I only included it because I think slapping is the worst thing a man can have as his only skill. Almost suspiciously worst.
Wait, Loren once accidentally stomped on another copâs leg in karate class? Is the lie in that story that it happened at all or that it was an accident? Would a police force even let a cop keep his job if he thought it was reasonable to accidentally stomp on a prone man? Iâll research that later, but first: HEAD AND NECK COMBINATIONS!
The Head and Neck Combinations section shows how we can chain our attacks together. For instance, you can follow up a headbutt with a headsnuggle to activate the junkieâs nerve receptors or whatever. Then you⊠I mean, you get it. Bash and flee. This sucks. I want a challenge. Arenât there any moves for easily distracted attackers who kind of forget where they are?
Oh, perfect. Wait for them to try to figure out where they are and then BASH. Donât even bother fleeing. This poor, confused man will never be able to identify you.
Thereâs a whole series of these toward the end of the bookâ moves for finishing a man already mostly dead from liquor.
For a guy concerned about the legality of street murder, itâs weird for Loren to advise his readers to shove a drunk by the back of the head to amplify his fall damage. Like, heâs not even trying to spin this one. This man is going through something totally unrelated to us and weâre smearing the skin off his skull for doing it too close. Grind it until the son of a bitch is more sidewalk than head; wait for help to arrive or flee when you can.
âSometime all it takes is one powerful blow to activate the armâs delete button,â says the man who thinks everyoneâs arm has a delete button. âDonât you guys hate when you hit your leg nipples on a coffee table and canât get a boner for 15 years?â he adds.
This move almost makes me feel bad because bonking someone in the arm until it drops lifelessly is such a sweetly innocent idea of combat. Itâs like the author still believes anything possible and I shouldnât stand in the way of it.
Seriously, this is wonderful. Punch both arms until they donât work! Itâs something my daughter would suggest if we were being crushed by a robot.
Well, now youâve ruined it, Loren.
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