Vanning Day: The 2023 Hot Dog Custom Van Contest Winners! (Patreon)

Nothin’ slaps, faps, or kidnaps quite like a custom van. Last year our community fell in love with sweet ass vans and were never seen again, please call 1900HOTDOG if you have any information. If you have some difficulty getting through, please keep trying. It’s not a phone number.

It’s time to figure out who has a big-titted valkyrie on a polar bear in their soul, and what better way to do that than with Poxvans Presents An Unlubricated Van Job: The Great Annual 1900HOTDOG Custom Van-off and Herpe Contest!

First up…

The All Purpose Vans

You don’t need a lot of fancy tricks when you have a good, solid van. Those are for filthy tricks only.

Delta Foxtrot knows what he’s got and he won’t tolerate any lowballing, unless you mean it in the other sense.

Sketched Text’s van hearkens back to simpler times, when you could go to an arcade and count the bits on your fingers while getting fingered a bit.

We make a big fuss about how much a van fucks, but Steve Clark celebrates the other side of vans: The obvious murderer side.

A truck is not a van and a business name is not a sweet mural, but there’s no explaining that to Sissyneck, who has a dream in his heart but no hot dog in his pocket – he’s just happy to see you.

The Hot Dog Vans

The greatest vans are homages, whether that’s to a demon with a huge dong or the sluts of Star Trek is just a matter of taste. Frankly, we’ve always thought the best homages were to us.

Hamb$ne kept it classy and confusing with a tale of underage love and stabbings that always belonged in a van.

Josiah believes that Corey can be all things, because Corey ate the part of his brain that recognizes objects and replaced it with Corey.

Sun Fisch recognized strong van energy in Xanadu, the movie about John Travolta giving brain to Olivia Newton John. But literally.

Some Kind of Wizard paid tribute to the voice behind the voices, our own podcast editor Jamie French, who did not miss her calling as a sexual rodeo ninja to work on our podcast. She does both things.

The Pun Vans

A van guy doesn’t have a great sense of humor, his every joke ends with a pun or an ass slap. If he can think of a smooth way to work dumptrucks into a conversation, it ends with both.

Borsuk Kumpel Ryb has a great looking van with a lot of stage presence, it’s amazing it sounds that good, too! Truly, this van is the total package and will never get its comeuppance.

Floygen’s van got so many WMU girls pregnant they had to name the school’s Sexual Health program after it. Yes, for the purposes of this joke it’s called the Western Michigan University’s Luther Vandross’ Van Program for Sexual Health. The WMULVVPFSH, which you pronounce like “MMM, GIRL.”

Jeff Orasky stacked all of last year’s van contest entries together just to make this pun, and if you ask him if it was worth it, he just blows blunt smoke in your face and turns up the Parliament.

Yeyo’s pun takes some work and some insider knowledge to understand, but isn’t that true of all the best puns? No, I just looked it up. It’s not.

The Least Accessible Joke Vans

Last year ProseAndKahn was the founder, only entrant, and winner of the Least Accessible Joke Van - a hotly contested category despite everything I just said. This year it goes to LyraV!

I don’t get it, LyraV, explain it to me.

… … …

I still don’t get it.

Low Effort Vans

A very real part of van culture is just washing out of proper society and not trying anymore. Here, we honor the heroes who wanted to be part of the contest, but not enough to do anything.

You can actually see the point Posigniat gave up, and it’s immediately.

At least Badger had a fun joke reason for not doing the homework, plus it was an inaccessible joke! Two categories! Zero effort!

Frankly, we expected AI art to dominate this contest way more than it did. Only Evan fed the entire thing, form and all, to an unwilling robot and then just attached the result to an email. His name’s not even on it - give less of a shit than that, suckers!

Rachel came to this van contest with three things: A solid joke, an eraser, and a van entry form. She’s down to just the one thing, now.

Djonin entered this same toy last year, now it’s got some little people next to it. That’s exactly what happens when a van shows up to the same place a year later, too!

The Art Vans

If you don’t understand it, there’s a good chance it might be art and you should just nod along or risk looking stupid. Here’s some vans you can nod along to!

Beato Puente sent in what looked, at first, to be extreme closeups of meat paste. It still might be that, if saying so makes us look smart enough to get laid at this vernissage.

Matthew Harris saw a simple template for a custom van contest and had the bravery to ask: What if none of those things?

You can watch his short art film about stock toy SUVs here.

The High Effort Vans

A van can be a lot of things: A piece of shit where burnouts live, a place to murder, art that gets you laid, but the best vans are canvases upon which a maniac puts in far too much work for far too little reward. It’s time for those magnificent bastards to shine!

Mo didn’t just paste in art for the panels, he painted the entire van to honor WMAC Masters. That’s more effort than many WMAC ninjas put into a sideflip!

Akentarion also painted an entire van, this time to honor hot goblin ass. It’s not a cause we share, understand, endorse, or even don’t judge harshly – but game respects game no matter how it’s played.

Adrienne found the boundless realm of imagination limiting, and instead brought her van to live in reality – something her cryptid van stubbornly refuses to do.

Here’s the other side. You can’t explicitly see it, but you know Mothman is flashing you there.

She even did the inside! Look at that adorable little jar of human urine.

Gellaho spends way too much time doing fun live readings every Friday in our Discord’s book channel, then he spends way too much time turning them into audiobooks, then he spends way too much time turning those into short movies, then one time he spent way too much time turning a whole book into a feature length movie just for this bit, and then he made this gif to honor all that time spent. He spent way too much time on it.

And that’s why he’s our winner!

Nothing says “van guy” like wasting a life! Gellaho, you’re amazing, this community would be half as much fun without you, and you win nothing. That’s your favorite kind of prize!

That’s it for this year’s van contest, but here’s a reminder that we have a whole van channel in the Discord for you to keep this party rollin’ year round. In the meantime, let’s kick off the Herpe Contest with your surprise guest hosts, debuting their new hit single…

...

If these images are borked, you can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.