Learning Day: Dancing with Dogs (Patreon)

Albert Einstein once said, "Creativity is seeing what others see and thinking what no one else ever thought." That quote reminds me that one day some mad genius looked at a dog and a top hat, and thought, I'm going to combine these things to create the most radical and intense fusion of sport and art to ever exist. That's right; I'm talking about competitive dog dancing. This is an article about a book on competitive dog dancing! How have I worked here so long without ever touching this radical topic?

Mary Ray, the co-writer of the book Dancing With Dogs: Easy-to-learn techniques and fun routines for you and your dog, credits herself with inventing dog dancing, and most people seem to agree she at least brought the practice to the UK. Her book is a breakdown of different elaborately themed routines. Can you imagine being creative enough to want to compete in the World Canine Freestyle Organization but not creative enough to write your own routine? Why is that sadder?

This book is full of suggestions for dog dance routines to teach your dog privately in your home. It's for people who aren't chasing after that competitive dog dancing blue ribbon. They dance with their dog purely for the rush, the love of the game. They do it because they fell for this book's LIES. It promises on the very first page that teaching your dog to dance will be "easy" and "fun." To show how "easy" and "fun" it is, you see a picture of a woman looking like she's pretty worried about getting her entire face bitten off by a dog, which is, in my book, kind of the opposite of fun.

I love this book of dance routines for people and dogs for many reasons, but the main one is probably that every once in a while, you get to see a picture of someone who has suddenly realized that they are a model for a book on dancing with dogs. They're about to become a poster child for the dog dancing community, which is the horse dancing community for people without horse dancing money.

They could have hired a photographer who knew to edit out the photos where the people in them have the thousand yard stare of a stock photo model who's just been told "look like you have herpes." Instead, they spent that photographer money on more elaborate dog neckerchiefs, as they should have.

This picture is from a dance routine called "dinner for two." Each of the routines comes with an elaborate back story. This one is about a rich fancy woman finding a dog in a trash can and taking it out to dinner, sort of like Pretty Woman, but Julia Roberts is a Jack Russell terrier. Unfortunately, most of the photographs of the routine look like a woman grappling with her alcoholism, just sitting alone staring at a wine bottle while a dog bothers her.

It's not part of the routine that the fancy rich lady is depressed. Maybe this is an action shot, and the dancer was really in the dog dance zone when these photographs were taken? Maybe your consciousness ascends to another plane of high art when you're dog dancing your ass off, and this is what that looks like when it's captured on film?

Don't worry; this book isn't all pictures of sad women gazing at things, although I'm sure there is a book like that somewhere, and I will someday write about it. In between laments, this book teaches every aspect of the routines, from the footwork to the props, to a walkthrough of the entire story that inspired them. It's everything you need to begin sadly looking at your dog today!

Yes, the end of this routine is your dog gleefully dancing over your dead body after defeating you in a dance battle. It doesn't get any cooler or any darker than that. Viva España is a rehash of a routine Mary did in a 2003 competition, and she included a photo of the ending at the front of the book. It looks like a scene from a tragic Spanish opera but with puppies!!

That isn't the only routine that ends in a dramatic death. There's a WWII themed dance that ends in a somber tribute to the troops, as both dogs play dead and the owner kneels over them, tipping an imaginary hat. The drama! It feels like a gritty reboot of dog dancing. There's so much more tragedy than I ever expected in a sport that heavily involves a hula hoop.

The bullfighting theme and the dinner-for-two theme involve the most detailed and tragic stories woven through the medium of interpretive dog dance. Most of the routines have a more vague narrative. There's a disco one, and a swing-themed one... a swing dancing one to be clear, although I feel like the swinger community and the dog dancing community probably has a lot of crossover. Sometimes the theme is just patriotism as a concept.

I can't decide if dog dancing is the most or least patriotic sport. I wonder if anyone has ever offered a tribute to America and had America so unanimously reject it. "It's nice of you to think of us, but we're all good on dedications. Maybe try dedicating a dog dance to Canada? They seem like they would be into whatever the sad shit this is."

Ok, we also need to talk about the costumes. You may notice that while the owners are attired to fit the routine, the dogs are not. There is a very specific, and hilarious reason for this. Mary Ray has firm opinions on dressing up dogs:

That's right; it's undignified for a dog to dance while in costume. A human, however, no dignity necessary. Put on your matador costume and go fake your own death in front of your dog. Take it seriously! We're never going to make it to the Olympics with a dog in a hat!

Some of the human costumes get pretty involved. There's one routine that requires you to dress like Mary Poppins with the flowery hat and everything. There's one where you dress like a magician! Talk about no dignity.

If the opinion of this book is that it's ok for humans to be undignified, but not dogs, it explains so much. The sad humans are struggling with their lack of dignity in the face of silly costumes and silly dances. They know they look stupid, but they're willing to make that sacrifice for the love of the sport.

Dog dancing teaches humans to become less dignified than their dogs in the name of the greater good. Those who can't embrace that dichotomy end up carrying a deep sadness inside them, but those who let go and embrace it will know the joy which can only come from lowering yourself below the dignity of a dog. Behold:

It's obviously impossible to cover all the danger, joy, and beauty of dog dancing in a single book which is mainly five step dance routines, but I think Dancing With Dogs: Easy-to-learn techniques and fun routines for you and your dog comes pretty close to capturing the spirit of the sport. I now understand it in a way I never wanted to! I’m one Mary Poppins costume and a teaspoon of dignity away from a new, probably more lucrative career.

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