Hot Dog Appreciation Day: The Emergence of Sexual Raiden (Patreon)

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard the seats on our tandem bike face each other so we’ll never have to look away.

But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where there’s a whole channel devoted to MacGyver reruns, and it’s the only channel.

Sissyneck doesn’t want foreigners coming to our country and taking our women unless they’re gentle and kind and open to dressing up for Golden Corral theme nights.

Sissyneck opens up about the secret fear all men share, that monkeys are our betters, before retreating to his happy place: Men in Hawaiian shirts getting attacked by parrots.

We accidentally sent Sissyneck on a spiritual journey into the wilderness, and let’s be honest, there’s no way he’s coming back. Auditions are open for the next Sissyneck. But those are some big shoes to fill. Size 12. 4E. New Balance, of course.

Now let’s move on to the Comments, where DustysRadTitle came to an important self-realization about not conforming to gender stereotypes. We applaud your bravery and your openness, Dusty!

1-900-HOTDOG is not an educational site, at least not in any useful direction. Unless…

Matthew Harris understands Teamworking Day: It’s about the Todd McFarlane demonic cuckold jokes you don’t make.

Clementine Danger paints a romantic picture of this convergence of sex, musical, and duck crimes.

LyraV has spiritual niches. We explore them thoroughly.

Ray read the Hot Dog Mission Statement.

Next it’s time for Weekend Updape with Gellaho! Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to the new apes Gellaho wrangled for us this month!

Gellaho’s just having fun, but while we’re here, let’s talk about something important: Ape danger is very real. And on Halloween, you have no way to tell which costumes might be hiding apes. Watch the eyes, stay alive!

Now on to the Discord, where our proudest tradition is the Great Hot Dog Drag. We find a shithead, chain them to the back of the Wienermobile, and put the pedal to the floor. Agent of Fortune brought us this poor son of a bitch with half a haircut and a third of a personality.

Sometimes we go too far. It’s easy to cross the line when you hold the incredible power of jokes, and you’ve literally chased away all attempts at reasonable oversight. Anyway, sorry we poisoned you, Monk!

Hot Doggers? He ate the book.

Fatamatician found the darkest book in the Girl Talk series, and trust us, those suckers got fuckin’ dark.

Fatamatician found the darkest entry in the Harry and the Hendersons novel adaptations, and trust us, those suckers got fuckin’ dark.

Luckily Ozzie was here to save it with our new favorite show: Sasquatch-Doo!

Well, listen, nobody’s going to beat Monk eating spiritual and literal poison for a punchline, so to honor his memory HOLD ON-

H-Hoge Hange? What does… what does it mean? Don’t answer! It’s so important that we not know the answer. It’s perfect. You don’t see the face of god and ask it a question, that’s blasphemy. You just be happy you’re gifted the moment. That’s us. That’s Hoge Hange. Hoge Hange is what happened when Mo tried to teach a robot what 1-900-HOTDOG means, and it understood perfectly.

To commemorate the moment, we leapt into action making an extremely limited edition, Discord-only shirt about hot dog-related robot mistakes.

We raised 126 dollars for the CTLC, a wonderful local charity that Mo was devastated to learn stood for Chattanooga Trans Liberation Collective, and not Cat-Teens Lick Cats.

It’s a good thing Mo can take innocent mistakes like that in stride-

That was close, thanks for salvaging that DeltaFoxTrot!

Holy shit, if you’d told us when we started this innocent contest to see who could have the most fun with our weird little Hot Dog Site, that one day a man ingesting the poison we sent him would lose out to somebody teaching a robot to hot dog for trans rights, we would’ve said “yeah, that’s the dream.”

Congratulations, MO! You are the new custodian of…

Grace Jones dressed as Sexual Raiden in a trash alley. The most precious object in existence, now that the Rollerskating BatPrince portrait has gone feral. Care for her, Mo. Don’t do anything wacky to her, Mo! She’s perfect, Mo! We’ll never forgive you for what you’re about to do, Mo!

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll follow through on the threat Grace Jones is implying with her eyes, outfit, and general demeanor.

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