Learning Day: Sleep Walkin'! (Patreon)

Hello would that I could greet you all in good cheer like a normal day but Im afraid that today is a learnin day charcterized by maybe dark powers of occults and terror. Perhaps you might want to make sure there are no children about or even some of your more sensitive church-goin neighbors, they might want to say welp its about time for us to head home i guess before you proceed to reading this one.

I myself was born of goodly parents who did theyre utmost to keep for me a sense of plenty regardin both the material (meats and accompanyin root vegatables) and the cultural (fiddle lessons) AND also the religious and the moral. Which, yes, consisted of teachin’ the good and benevolence but also of providin STRONG WARNINS bout those and that what might try to tempt us away from The Path of Light, Yea even those what might try to sneak into one of our unguarded spiritual orifices. Accordingly i never was allowed to dungeons nor dragons nor read books what might have a wizardry in them or not go to church or stay up past midnight (it is well-known that the Holy Ghost goes to bed at that hour) or watch The Serpent and the Rainbow or play at the weegee board. And if there was ever a birthday party or something where they got to messin around with bloody marys or light as a feathers I was to call my mother immediately (who right away would come to pick me up and but still ask me alot of questions that made me feel bad). But above all these things there was one ‘ticular element and utensil of the Evil One that I was to avoid more than anyone else maybe you know who I’m talking about:

Yes it is the master of horror himself Mr. Stephen King it was widely agreed upon in my community that “That is truly a sick man.” and “Have you seen a picture of him there is just something in his eyes you can tell he is seriously twisted” and “Satanic”. You have to understand this was a long time before I guess Mr. King repented or converted or when he wrote Shawshank Redemption so everyones dad could have the same favorite movie. No this was when if you even looked at maybe one of his books in the super market for too long you could feel the cold breath of Lucifer drawin you in and might have to pray real fervent to jesus to release your feet to run and find your mom but dont tell her what happened (cause of so many feel bad questions that would follow). So you can probably guess what the outcome of this was was that we were all super curious and intrigued about STEPHEN KING and were always checkin out his books for secret hammock readin and rentin his movies when our parents werent home and when they got too scary we might tell each other I think the devil’s spirit might be here maybe we should turn Children of the Corn off. I dont have any good excuses for this irresponsable behavior, we were dumb kids and maybe knowin that we were riskin our immortal souls made that lil breath-goblin in Cats Eye that much scarier.

So you can understand how much spiritual dismay I had the other day at the libary when I turned the vhs carousel and there right at eye level just like full blast from a ungodly yard hose was this:

Seein this frightened me quite a bit because how had i never heard of this one before and what other evil artifacts might be slippin into this earthly plain, trying to catch me and mine unawares?  I found out that maybe I didn’t know about this one was because it went straight to movie: the Dark Lord King never wrote a book about it first so we didnt have fair warnin like with most of his other ones (yes the Advertsary is relentless in His development of new strategems to capture a soul (wait do you capitalize ‘`His’’ for the devil too or just for God? I DO want to disrespect the Devil but I DONT want to disrespect God by minimizin his enemies. Brockway can you make this good thank you).

Editor’s Note: Nobody edits these. They just show up once in a while in a Hotmail inbox I keep as a joke.

Anyway when I was handlin this movie tape I had a lil moment of gratitude that my spiritual savvy and intellect allowed me to know this VHS Serpent for what it was right away but then I thought: but what about them that doesn’t have my quickness of discernment and might could be deceived?  To whit: my beloved hot-dog communes. So I gathered bravery and with quakin hands and heart verily did I take this movie cassette to the self-checkout and now I better understand the courage of those youth pastors who waded through the minefields of satan-loving pop musics to better warn away those of their flock who, threw no fault of their own, are too ignorant and just so dumb to know that listening to Morris Day and the Time might open them up to devil posession. So here’s what I watched and learned about so you might maintain your innocents and safety of soul and spirit: (dont worry i watched it after LaRene and Trayton were both a-bed and C-Papped for the night):

THE DIABOLOLICAL CAST

Imagine bein so far distanced from The Lord that you would make a Stephen King movie! That just brings me pretty low to think about theres people that would do that but here they are:

Theres three main ones i guess a boy here he is doing self-harm, but sexy:

And his mom who i think is a good actor because she when she talks you never know for sure if its a accent or a impediment which i like when they keep me guessin:

And then the pretty waitress from twin peaks and guess what her discernment in gentlemen callers is not any better in this one:

And then these are the other twisted souls who chose to cast there lot in with the lord of flies for 30 pieces of filthy looker (I apologize in advance for any heartbreak you might experience right now to learn that one of your favorite entertainers is in league with darque forces like how I’m still pretty sad about how Tom Hanks is a covid crisis actor):

DAEMONIC CAUSE OF DEATH: Unknown hes only in it for a little bit but it says hes a cop in Bodega Bay so there is a stastistical problability he will die of a british man throwin birds at him.

DAEMONIC CAUSE OF DEATH: Blood loss due to hand loss due to tryin to touch a underage.

DAEMONIC CAUSE OF DEATH:  Blood loss due to fingers bitten off by monsterus feline vampire matron.

DAEMONIC CAUSES OF DEATHS:  Defensetrated and vampire cat-scratched just all over his face, respectively.

(Non-satanic fun fact: they were actually married in real life thats pretty cute I think.)

DAEMONIC CAUSE OF DEATH:  Ticonderoga.

DAEMONIC CAUSE OF DEATH:  A cobbin’

And then theres a couple of scenes that are kinda borin and dont seem very important to the movie with a bunch of people that sorta seem like they shouldn't be in ANY movies, either on a count of lack of conventional attraction and/or not good at acting but see if you can guess what:

Yes as if we needed more proof that there are infernal forces at work in this production, these are all Stephen The King’s fellow bards of sin and in equities.

Evil works: Told about a million kids at once that santa wasnt real also i think his name is translated as “Joe Hell”

Evil works: Leatherface and made lots of kids walk real fast past any tv that was showin static.

Evil works: pinhead of course you didn’t even have to see the movie just even the poster was pretty frightenin but then also nightbreed was a different type of scary where it made you feel like when you realize you maybe just told too much personal information to a theater kid.

Evil works: sacrificed two children and one of our finest Magnum P.I. guest star actors to death via decaptitation via helicopter blade also other insodents of placing children actors in dangrous situations.

And then of course:

I mean just look at his eyes their like he's looking right at you and you can sorta tell he's probably possessed.

DISTURBING CONTENTS

So now with our McCob players at the ready we move on to our Wierde Tale: we learn that there's a thing called Sleepwalkers which are like cat people.

Who need to eat virginal girls to stay alive and it turns out the son and mother are sleepwalkers but they got in trouble in there last house in California so they had to move way far far away, all the way to the famous mountain country of:

And then we learn that they have a unusual relationship:

As in right away they do a incestuous union.

I don’t know if its better or worse that we eventually learn what it looks like to them:

(They kept playing the sleepwalkin song during this stuff which you can guess kinda taintes it with a unpleasant associations for me my recovery plan is to play it for myself from now on exclusively in the company of fudgesicles so that over time it might regain its original beauty)

But the mommy is very hungry and keeps saying to her son find us a nice girl to eat so he goes to high school and reads a special poem he wrote to find one!

This part might not seem very scary but then we realize that we have seen this scene before where a sensitive writer boy shares something he wrote so profound and personal that a girl falls in love with him right there but the teacher is a bully to her so the boy says something that is just so pointed and witherin that the teacher feels dumb so this must be part of Stephen Kings devilry rituals and probably not just a personal fantasy he loves very much.

Anyway the mommy is very happy about this girl who might be food for her (by way of: her son dementors her and then passes the energy to his mom via sexual intercourse) just look at how she’s smilin:

Here I will point out that another piece of evidence for this film is a production of Satan and all his demons is it looks to me like the sleepwalkers are probably at least cousins with the monsters from The Gate:

In which it IS CLEARLY a stablished that they come from the Kingdom of the Inferno after the little boys do the very foolish act of playing a devil music record backwards and then diggin open a gate to hell (which that didnt stop me and my cousin brent from tryin the same thing after we watched this one about a million times one summer)

And then also this ‘bomination from I, Madman:

(And both of those ones was directed by Tibor Takács which i wouldnt say his name three times in a row if I was you, and then he did a red shoe diaries which is also very satanic (its the one where the lady from Falcon Crest sends a bunch of erotic faxes)  but also then he did some christmas movies so maybe Tibor found jesus OR MAYBE ol’ Scratch in all his fiendish cleverness is now tryna corrupt the hearts of modern women in a specially insidjus manner.)

But anyway even though the sleepwalkers are kinda cats themselves it turns out normal cats just really hate them (maybe they don’t care for the incest either) so most of the movie is kinda just like cats vs. the cat people and who wins in the end?  Read this article to find out!  Its the earth cats but they do lose many of their couragous soldiers along the way. Now i am more of a dog fella but animal suffering of any kind is a blow unto my spirit so perhaps we can uplift each other together by sharin’ a moment of respectable silence for the ultimate sacrifices of Housecat Life laid down by:

Miss Cinderella:

Nickels:

Marshmallow:

And Sgt. Whiskers and the brave boys of bodega bay feline anti-demon platoon no. 388.

Ok but now that we're all pretty downtrodden of spirit I don't want to leave us there so: yea here is a great tiding of good joy where we learn that the power of love along with just a shitload of cats will vanquish any evil cats cause their a self regulatin’ species…

…to Death, yea, even as it came to pass, as unto: Fire

So the bad guy is dead and I’m kinda runnin out of siminums for evil so perhaps it is time for us to end this one on a hopeful note like we learned in Sunday School: even tho Stephen King introduced us to the upsetting devilry of Sleepwalkers he also taught us about their conquerence, for doesn’t The Bible say that the Deceiver does always carry along with Him a Seed of his own Undoing? So it is my prayer that you can learn from how I sacrificed my own safety of soul and watched Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers for you (huh that makes me just a lil like a savior I humbly guess). And as a remembrance unto me, you might be a witness thereof to my holy and delightsome message of: don’t let the evil destroyer enter your life via the storytellin’ conduit of Stephen King but if you do it seems like fire will probably take care of it in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

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