Upsetting Day: Bibleman vs. The Prince of Pride! (Patreon)

Imagine a superhero has rescued you, and as he swoops you away from the burning building or the cackling madman, he whispers, "Saving people is pretty cool, right? But you know who's really cool? The one and only savior, Jesus Christ? While you're helplessly dangling above the city, let me tell you about him." This is the nightmare scenario created by Bibleman!

Bibleman is the alter ego of mild-mannered businessman Miles Peterson. The intro rapidly tells his backstory: he has it all, money, a car, an enormous 1990s laptop... but he’s unfulfilled. We find him alone in the woods, at night, with a briefcase, screaming into a rainstorm. Like full-body screaming. This is a man in despair, something terrible has happened, and he is clearly playing a fun adult game called bury the evidence.

He throws himself in the mud dramatically and, after some more screaming, finds a Bible in the dirt (this is also evidence from a separate crime, I feel it in my heart). That Bible led him to feel inspired by the word of God and equipped him with unyielding faith, so he pledged to fight evil in the name of God and also Bibleman. It is, by every clinical and artistic definition, fucking insane.

I watched an episode of The Bibleman Adventures from the classic 1995 live action series called "Shattering The Prince Of Pride" because I thought the title sounded like they stole it from a gay erotic novel. I learned so many new things about the Bible from Bibleman! Like, for all of the rules the Bible is firm on, they're pretty soft on murder. In the opening, Bibleman immediately smokes two dudes-- fully reduces them to ash. See, I told you there was a reason that dude was crying in the woods.

He does tell his drone robot sidekick, "Our only concern should be doing God's will. Violence is never fun." His victims' screams are still echoing off the walls and he's already forgiven himself on behalf of God. It is an ominous approval of many future slaughters to come. "As long as you think God wants someone dead, murder is fine, children! I'm Bibleman, and I, wait, sorry, hold on, I just saw someone take the Lord's name in vain gotta go scatter their molecules with my laser sword. Sorry, but it's hard to teach a gentle lesson with a laser sword!"

Some Christian parents found Bibleman too violent, but that's ok because he's extremely violent FOR JESUS. That’s why he wears full body armor, including a very Batman Forever inspired chest plate that makes up for what it's lacking in nipples by throwing in extra abs. Bibleman has a twelve pack!

Each piece of Bibleman armor has a Christian name. There's the waist belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation. He also carries a laser sword which is distinct from a lightsaber because it's the physical manifestation of an unseen force, in this case, the force of God's word on earth. Apparently, sometimes the word of God is send this fucker to Hell, Bibleman!

Basically, every element of Bibleman is bits of borrowed secular pop culture, blended together and liberally spiced with the holy spirit. For instance, you might think the villain, The Prince of Pride, probably has a crown and a sash and looks like a model or something? No, he's a cyborg modeled very closely off the Borg from Star Trek. Oh, so he lives in a palace because he's a prince, right? No, he lives in the sewer. Ninja Turtles were also popular at the time—weird coincidence. Let's research it in the Bat Cave; I mean Bible Cave.

The show knows it's kind of wild that the Cyborg lives in a sewer, so it has him note out loud several times, "It's wild that I live in a sewer! It stinks down here!" As if his self awareness makes it better? The sewer is the absolute worst place for a Cyborg to live. Computers and dampness famously mix about as well as people and all of the bacteria that live in the sewers.

The Prince Of Pride has a ray gun that makes people more prideful. He uses it first on the kid who is drawing the Bibleman comic (because God believes in synergy. He started out as just the Father but then expanded into the Son and Holy Ghost for branding purposes).

When The Prince Of Pride turns the ray gun on Bibleman, he becomes proud of how humble he is, which is a concept that has to have given so many children anxiety. Don't be prideful, kids, be humble! But not too humble, or you might start to feel proud of your humbleness, and then Bibleman will have to kick the shit out of you with the boots of peace. The moral lesson here is clear: the only way to win is to be the one doing the kicking.

Luckily, Bibleman has his trusty sidekicks, his best friend Coats, and a Christian computer system called U.N.I.C.E.. Yes, it's an artificial intelligence that believes in God. Bibleman programmed it to quote Bible verses for him and recap the show halfway through in case you stepped out to get snacks or commit adultery.

One of the things this show struggles with is not making the sin of pride look kind of cool. They made the pride man a cyborg, and those rule. There's one song in this, The Prince Of Pride sings it, and it's really good because it's a ripoff of "Bad" by Michael Jackson. The show fully stops for three minutes so the villain can do a Michael Jackson parody that has no bearing on the plot and woefully confuses waving your arms around for choreography.

If you're going to have The Prince Of Pride sing a Christian parody song, why would you not make it a Prince song? He could do "Sexual Suicide" but change Sexual to Jesus and Suicide into Murder (People Jesus Doesn't Like). That would fully highlight the Bibleman message and be more on theme.

The Prince Of Pride has an evil computer called L.U.C.I that he commands to attack U.N.I.C.E so she can't help Bibleman as he fights the prince. Coates is able to save U.N.I.C.E. by telling her to "remove all data not obedient to Christ." Computer programming in this world is pretty straightforward. You turn God on or off with voice commands. The Prince Of Pride corrupts a picture drawn by the boy who makes the Bibleman comic, and Coates realizes this by simply clicking a large button that says DECODE. It's literally the only clickable thing on his interface:

Still, the idea of removing all data not obedient to Christ makes me picture U.N.I.C.E. having secret files labeled "Smoking" and "Black Sabbath" that she had to tearfully erase. Let U.N.I.C.E. be metal, you cowards!

In the end, Bibleman figures out the Prince Of Pride is subtly manipulating him with his Pride ray, and that's making him bad at lightsaber fighting for some reason? He was so proud of being humble he forgot how to spin kick good, and that's why he was having trouble killing the Prince Of Pride.

The two face off again, and armored with less pride, Bibleman is able to defeat The Prince Of Pride. Since Christianity is big on forgiveness and redemption, Bibleman electrocutes that motherfucker into a pile of bones and goo. He stoically watches chunks of The Prince Of Pride slide down the wall. Shattering The Prince Of Pride is a more literal title than I expected. That man is not going to escape from Arkham.

With the villain dead, Bibleman speaks directly into the camera to tell children, "you can put on the full armor of God if you talk to your parents or pastor," and I have to wonder if this led to some kids converting for the lightsaber. If someone had told me that non-denominational Christians all get lightsabers, I would have ditched Catholicism in an instant as a kid.

Bibleman still exists today, now in cartoon form on PureFlix, the Christian streaming channel. The Bibleman website features a full line of toys, including off-brand legos, a sword of the spirit, coloring books, and plenty of DVDs because if there's one thing God loves more than humbleness, synergy, and turning sinners to puddles, it's capitalism.

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