Learning Day: Live Wild & Slow, Part 1 (Patreon)

In 2016 and 2017, a self-proclaimed "master listmaker" capped her long career of adding numbers to the front of stupid things when she completed her magnum opera: two companion books regulating the intensity of the human soul itself. Barbara Ann Kipfer called these masterpieces 1,001 Ways to SLOW DOWN and 1,001 Ways to Live WILD.

This is either going to sound completely crazy or very sane, but we are going to read them both simultaneously. Before we begin, though; let's regulate your expectations. Please take a moment and imagine how the dumbest person alive would advise you to SLOW DOWN and how the squarest person alive would advise you to Live WILD.

Lock in your answers and we'll look at #615 from each book:

Did you think of something dumber than "lounge" for your slowdown tip? Did you come up with a more pointlessly obvious living wild suggestion than "take a leap of faith?" Of course not. Barbara Ann Kipfer is the upper human limit of simple. She's something generic scientists spliced from horoscopes and fortune cookies to create the Captain America of ordinary. If she was decapitated in a car accident, her head's dying words would be about the traffic. Her favorite thing to make for dinner is... reservations!

So now you know what to expect from Barbara-- the dumbest goddamn fucking shit you've ever seen. Let's see if she can still surprise you. Beepborp, computer: randomize 1,001 Ways to SLOW DOWN/Live Wild:

You might be thinking it shows great restraint that Barbara waited 569 entries before telling readers of 1,001 Ways to SLOW DOWN to, you know, try walking slower. She didn't. Every third or fourth entry is some form of "move slower." This is a woman with one idea, change speed, and she mistook it for 2,002 ideas. These books are not literature. They are bloody battlefields where Barbara Ann Kipfer's ambition and imagination fought against each other to the last man.

Let's skip ahead 383 entries to see how these ideas evolved in both books.

In the final stretches, Barbara was struggling to make the last Thesaurus entries for "slow" work and had to lower the stakes of her upside-down standing significantly. It might be fun to take a moment here and picture who Barbara was picturing when she wrote these $19.99 books. Her reader needs to be someone who buys $20 books about slowing down but has never heard of it and someone who wants to get crazy but has not considered upside-downery. I grew up with the kind love and support of friends and family and I've never met anyone forgiving enough to get through this book without vowing revenge. This idiot sold advice on how to Live WILD and more than 0 of it was handstands.

I need to be very careful not break the seal on clumsy sarcasm, because DuRr LoOk aRoUnD fOR sOmEThIINng BeOOtiFFULL and listen, girl-to-girl, if you want to do something outrageous, try my tip #627: stay up past your bedtime! There's not a page of these books that can't be savagely ridiculed by simply reading it out loud as written. Barbara calls herself "master listmaker." She calls herself "author." No. She's a fucking unwanted glitch in cat horoscope software. She's advice you babble to your grandchildren five years after Chevron discovers oil near your water supply.

"Okay, 818! Almost done, almost done... only 183 more to go. What are some other ways to slow down? Come on, think, Barbara. Ways... to... slow... dow-- that's it! Smile and slow down! So now what's the opposite of that... something wild. Something for the free spirits. Hmmm... Frankenstein? Oh holy shit, yes. Frankenstein. Okay, well maybe not that, but something like that. Come on, think. Wait, is that it? Think of something kind of like Frankenstein!? Barbara, you've done it aga-- oh! Handstands!"

For her 666th tip on slowing down, Barbara suggests, you know, slowing down for whatever it is you slow down for. I feel like she keeps making my point about how it's not a good book. But look at her 666th tip on how to live wild. Log onto the world wide web and track the migration of terns and krill? All jokes aside, that's extremely not wild. If I was hunting a human and found out they tracked the migration of bar-tailed godwits, I'd specifically say, "This is not going to be a super wild night." And not as a way to tempt fate with my hubris-- I'd genuinely mean it.

If you think this is in any way "wild," someone you trusted betrayed you when you learned that word. This exact entry is what you would cut to after Chandler declared, "You can't leave me alone at this party, Joey! I'm going to end up cornered again by Ross' boring cousin and I can't make it through another two hours of 'wild' Manx shearwater migration facts! You have to run interference! Swear to me, no matter what, you won't let her near me! Swear to me. I'm counting on you, Joey. I'm not setting up a bit here, Joey. Please don't cut to her really doing this, I'm begging you."

Holy shit. Going online to research migration patterns is Barbara's advice for getting wild, but also slowing down. Do bar-headed geese have more exhilarating feeding grounds than caribou? Why are wildebeests on both? And is her advice on living wild laying down in the grass? That sounds relaxing as h-- oh, I get it. This field must be where the caribou come to fuck! Okay, Barbara. This one does sound like it's going to get nuts.

Once again, Barbara's suggestions for slowing down and living wild are variations on slowing down and having sex with a caribou, respectively.

One way to slow down is to watch a movie, but not a fast movie. You want a slow movie if you're trying to go slow. You might need an expert or a husband to explain this, but classic, slow films are slower than today's faster today films. As for getting wild, have you tried upside down?

I don't know if anyone compulsively checking weather forecasts can afford to SLOW DOWN much more, but I am interested in this idea of grabbing fear by the ears and screaming until you cum. Because if Barbara Ann Kipfer's greatest fear was handstands that would explain a lot.

Slow Barbara Ann Kipfer: "What do I like to do to relax? I read the graves. Learn their stories. Oh, here's a fun fact: if the numbers are really close together, that was a baby."

Wild Barbara Ann Kipfer: "Something crazy about me? Oh, I have over a thousand of them. Headstands, check. But also? I knit while I wait for the dryer! And sometimes I walk among the forgotten dead... I command them by their names."

"A lot of pregnant women looking to slow down will pull their baby out long before the due date. It's slow and it's easy, but Barbara's Slow Down Tip #330 is to not do it. If you're looking to keep things calm and slow, wait for the full pregnancy, ladies. As for Barbara's Living Wild Tip #330, it's a fun one! Induce that fucking labor where you stand! Wait, no, I've done a few versions of that one already. Hmmm... what else? Have I done eat dessert first yet? I haven't!? Oh, fuck, well there's five right there."

If you held a gun on my wife and told me I could only save her by giving the dumbest possible advice for slowing down and living wild, I'd smile and say, "Ask God for slowing down. S'mores. Now let her go, you son of a bitch."

Here's some criticism you should take time to face, Barbara: get your dead eyes and teased bangs out of everyone's vacation photos. You stupid cow. You goof-scheduling, yoda-voiced monster.

Oh, shit. T-that's weird.

So if you want to slow down, take longer to get places. And if you're looking to have fun, watch a fun movie. Specifically, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. A lot of authors might be embarrassed to write something this dumb down, but not Barbara. She makes a grocery list and genuinely can't tell if she wrote Moby Dick. "Cheddar Pringles, hairspray? I think I've got the logline for my next book!" Seriously, at least once a month, Barbara's doctor says, "Listen, if you're the cat and you switched brains with Barbara, you have to tell me."

Go to school with a kid? What the fuck? Did Hulu autoplay Billy Madison after she fell asleep in front of Bill & Ted? These books do seem like they were written by someone forced by the state to retake third grade. And speaking of Barbara Ann Kipfer and third grade, we're not going to finish this in one attempt. So come back tomorrow! There are a lot more hand-standing, yoda-talking tips coming your way in Part II of 1001 Ways to SLOW DOWN/Live WILD!

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