Hot Dog Appreciation Day: The Problem With Slopdong (Patreon)

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard we keep our dead skin cells and wear skin suits of ourselves to the community pool. We call it Skinny Dipping! But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where the human Super Walmart continues to learn and grow. This month he established new life goals...

Learned a little something about community...

And even faced his own mortality. Turns out he wants a Bako Burial.

Let’s hop right into The Comments, where the braintrust is writing the most problematic video game this side of whatever Cliff Bleszinski is working on.

Peter Smyk knows that manners are important, even if -- especially if -- you’re talking about Calista Flockhart farting the breath of life into an obese corpse.

Matthew Bielanski actually explains quite a bit about the writing process of Last Ounce of Courage.

The Parallel Viewmaster discovers the true endgame of 1900HOTDOG - this was always a cult-by-mail based around our dark lord Satan and our excellent, extremely notable penises (everybody says so).

Joshua Graves isn’t a complicated man. He came here with one simple goal: to burn Kid Rock right down to the ground.

Josh was so inspired by Charles Fitzgerald, Moon Ball Cop that he tried to surf a SpaceX rocket. May he rest in peace. We know he’d want “I’m just like a bean!” on his tombstone.

Nicholas Cappetta has been reading Seanbaby for so long he’s memorized the man’s image library. His extremely cursed library. Nick has a skull jam-packed with GIF demons now, but he’ll get every reference Seanbaby hides in the margin of a 1950s comic book ad for DIY hovercrafts!

Fisty knows what Lydia’s REALLY going to do with all those incubi… Personal Margarita party! Nobody froths up a Marg like the Hulkster, and nobody downs those Margs like an eBay Boner Ghost.

Congratulations, Daphne Lawless! Yet another Hot Dog Baby is born. You can come after us for child support, but first you must survive the Labyrinth. It is hardly worth it for what you’d get: 20% of all of our problematic combat sport manuals.

Moving on to The Discord, it’s time for Ape Watch, with Gellaho! Hmm, Gellaho’s Gorilla News? Gellaho’s Great Ape Report? Weekend Updape with Gellaho! We’ll figure this out later. Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to some of the new apes Gellaho wrangled for us this month...

Ferroday came to some deep personal realizations thanks to the power of 1900HOTDOG, which gives life, changes life, and ultimately takes life away (that part comes later - you didn’t think you got all this for just $5, did you?)

The community struggles, like we all do, to explain what the fuck is wrong with Second Life. There is no answer, but if there were, this would be it:

They also do some casting for the inevitable 1900HOTDOG movie (a Stephen Sommers joint or bust).

Our community is so tightly knit, so deeply connected on a such a very dumb level that they share the punchlines of each other’s Discord-subchannel-specific references. The best kind of comedy!

Zack Snyder’s version of Dick Fight Island would be seven hours long, mostly in slow motion, and with a greenscreened Tig Notaro phoning in the role of Armored Codpiece Fluffer. And yet the community still wants it!

The Discord isn’t always a friendly place. Mo brought us a lovely offering of Welcome Back, Kotter novelizations and we beat them upside the head with Slopdongs until they were dead.

No really, this went on for three hours. We don’t beat dead horses here -- we pulp them in a Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer until they are smooth and creamy, devour them, and then shit them out into a drainage ditch.

The Discord does a lot of things well: It mostly connects you with other maniacs who spend real money on jokes about YouTube fetishes and karate manuals, it sometimes helps you learn a little bit about yourself, and it occasionally does a deep drag of a worthy target.

Okay, some are more worthy than others. This month it was a Sesame Street character:

Twitter interactions don’t often show up in Appreciation Day, so here’s what it takes to make that cut: Will Black drew a fake VHS cover for a Most Dangerous Game-inspired action movie based on the Van Patten family’s dead eyes and murderous pranks from our Dirty Tennis Teamworking Day. That’s a joke four levels deep based on a parody tape with zero levels. It’s exactly that kind of ill-advised comedy we love and reward!

For this outstanding work that no other place on Earth would understand or care about, Will Black must be our winner, and he is! Congratulations! He’ll take possession of what was once an invaluable work of art, but is now technically a roving disaster area after our last winner, Monk, made it mobile.

I don’t know how many times I need to tell you guys this: You can’t completely ruin something and teach it only hate then give it superpowered limbs -- that’s how we wound up with Conor McGregor.

Needless to say, Monk has been properly curbstomped into a Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer-quality slurry by the robot feet of a painting of a photograph of a 1980s sex elf tennis rollerblading in a mesh Batman top. That was so obvious it’s frankly insulting to type it out for you.

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll invite them over for a friendly tennis game, wage elaborate psychological war on them for absolutely no gain, and then hunt them as an animal through our sprawling private grounds.