Upsetting Day: Natural Harvest (Patreon)

What are we doing here, guys? A professionally photographed semen cookbook? This shit can't be serious. This is a prank. A desperate cover story thrown together by an author caught masturbating in a kitchen. It can't be what it's claiming to be, can it? A sincere book about upscale sperm dishes? No. No.

Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer published Natural Harvest in 2008 specifically so shoppers could get an ironic joke gift for their friends who don't eat semen. Or the ones who often eat semen. There's no fringe community of ejaculate foodies. Whoever you are or however you grew up, this book is plainly ridiculous. In fact, the Amazon reviews are almost exclusively "lol at a yankee swap party I traded an enema kit (wtf) for a HOME OF THE WHOPPER thong (lol girl size) for an avocado slicer (nice quality!) for this book. Sperm pork chops!? Um, no thanks! 5 stars."

There's another possibility, though-- Natural Harvest is a weird pervert's attempt to normalize eating jizz. He's cumming in all his food, he thinks it's great, and he wants to share what he's learned with us. The book contains no cute winks at the reader. The author has the sense of humor of a barge carrying only HOME OF THE WHOPPER thongs and the wit of someone stealing a handful of them to get rich. I think this semen cookbook might be exactly what it looks like. And if it isn't, he steps all over his own joke in the introduction where he desperately defends the position of "technically, ejaculating on your food makes more fiscal sense than milk."

So semen, the nutritious and "inexpensive" cooking ingredient, is commonly available in most homes and restaurants. Most of us have no precedent in our lives to help us deal with this information. How do you respond?

A: Oh, okay, now that I'm imagining a kitchen full of co-workers masturbating, this doesn't sound crazy at all.

B: Buddy, I don't need your fucking help finding a saucepan full of sperm.

C: Here's my only hesitation-- in a world where semen in your food is a delicious treat, my revenge pranks are going to lose a lot of their edge.

D: I took your advice and fucked a turkey club. Something crawled out of it that I guess biologists will call a Sandwichtaur. I will call it "son."

Your answer establishes how you feel about this book. If you picked A, you know this is a troubled person who tried to turn their talent for eating sperm into a career. If you picked B, you eat sperm, but out of a human dick; not a panna cotta like some kind of animal. If you picked C, you're frustrated because you can't tell if this is a thirsty nutcase or a dull prankster. And if you picked D, you know it's a gag and you're in on it. You're going to your grave telling your loved ones how great it is to cook with semen in the hopes of getting just one of those dumb assholes to do it.

It turns out the As were right. Fotie seems to genuinely believe jizzing into a salad should be considered a culinary art. He created a site called cookingwithcum.com, and started posting from the Twitter handle @semencooking. He tweeted exactly five times from it. Once was to say, "Hi I wrote a semen cookbook four years ago," for one like and a retweet. Three times he tweeted about his impact on social media itself (very small). And one time he tweeted "Today I'm making a balsamic cum dipping sauce. Yummy!" which four people liked.

Deciding his unpopularity might be a branding issue, Fotie abandoned his handle @semencooking to capitalize on the success of Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes and started posting from @semenbook. He tweets almost exclusively to announce when he gets a new follower, and every year or two he'll tell everyone he's cumming into his ice cream.

So if this is a bit, he's been performing it for 13 years to an audience of none. The window has closed on his opportunity to say, "I was only kidding, you idiots. You obviously shouldn't gently sautee semen until it is smooth, garnish it with lemon and serve it with spermed sangria for a night of intimate stargazing. What a joke you all fell for."

I don't know how he became this, but this is who he is-- a lonely crazy person who masturbates so often he had to incorporate it into his other hobbies. A man wanting to normalize his perversion, but normalize it so hard a family can order a side of his fetish at Applebee's.

Let's check out his recipes!

To get started, he offers four options for appetizers: jizzing on caviar, mussels, oysters, or salmon. And here's a fun sperm cookbook fact: there aren't page numbers. If you want to find the recipe for moules marinières de l'homme, you have to skim past the "slightly saltier caviar" and g-- oh, slightly saltier? That's cute. Anyway, go past the confused sperm on the wrong type of eggs, and if you hit the used oyster shells filled with a madman's cold semen, you've gone too far.

I can't stress enough how this fucking guy's recipe for MAN-MADE OYSTERS, in its entirety, is to save your old oyster shells and fill them with the cold ejaculate you keep in your fridge. Is there a grosser place to go from here? If you added a small colony of spiders dying from diarrhea in each oyster shell, could that affect this level of appeal in any way? Even if a concerted effort to undo the taboo of eating sperm this long after its harvesting manages to be successful in our lifetimes and we someday agree, "Sure, we eat sperm now," this would still be gross. We will never live in a world where jizzing into a bunch of used oysters lets you keep your job as a caterer. This author has sucked down so much of his own semen, he has lost perspective on what it is to have a human mouth.

Let's go back a couple pages. I think you need to see SLIGHTLY SALTIER CAVIAR.

Who is this lazy? And I don't mean the author of this cookbook. Yes, jerking off into a can of caviar is a pretty low effort recipe, but I mean what kind of joyless sloth eats sperm like this? If you're hungry for semen, fight it out of my dick like a real teammate.

I have dated some pretty lazy women, but none of them have ever stopped in the middle of third base to say, "It's taking too long to get to the good part. Can you just go empty this into some eggs and make me breakfast?"

Someone definitely walked in on Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer fucking a can of fish eggs and he has built this entire life around the insane excuse he came up with in the moment. Who else would this be for? Can you imagine a commercial for this product? "Attention, foodies! Is your favorite part of sex the chance to eat with your dick out? Do you like the taste of balls, but not the intimacy of making love? Skip past all the wet jerking and get straight to the sperm chugging with SLIGHTLY SALTIER CAVIAR. It's made with 'high quality semen,' which implies the existence of a low quality semen but does not specify how such a thing is determined! Yummy!" Fucking nonsense. Outright tomfoolery.

Paul also includes a small number of semen cocktail recipes, and his mixology is not much more complicated than jerking off into margarita mix. You'll want to keep a good supply of semen on hand to see which flavors go together. There are millions of options and most of them are pretty forgettable, but some day an exceptionally strong sperm cocktail may pull ahead of the others and change your life forever.

One of the cocktail recipes is to put a spoonful of jizz into an Irish coffee after you've carefully whisked out all the lumps. First of all, fuck you, you lumpy-jizzed pervert. Second of all, why are you doing this? If your sperm is so pungent a person can taste it through two shots of whiskey and a double shot of espresso, at the very least you're not drinking enough water. If a blast of your sperm makes a dent in this flavor profile, something inside your balls died. And maybe you should join it, you lump-squirting coffee fucker.

The semen lumps show up again and again because everything about this is a nightmare from the moment this lonely cum guzzler thought of this to the 300th lumpy cream sauce he threw away. "I'll never get this right!" he screamed at his trash. His monument to lost potential. "It's sperm hollandaise sauce! It won't be right even if you get it right, you dick chugging clown," screamed a second voice from deep inside him.

One problem I have with this book, aside from feeding sperm to my friends and family, is how the concept of it is so singularly deranged that after a few pages in, both reader and author have no anchor in reality. And there's no being funny in a universe with no rules. For instance, when he's talking about the necessity of delicately beating fresh semen into the egg yolks, he jokes "unless you are fond of semen lumps." Is he being cute? Are semen lumps bad? How would we know if they were? You milked your breakfast out of someone's dick, buddy. Don't act like we know the pleasant and unpleasant ways to do that. It's like saying, "You know when you're eating a dead woman's swimsuit and find a quarter? Ha, better luck next time!" We don't get the joke, because you're a fucking lunatic!

Once the book gets to the part on MAIN COURSES, he has to admit cumming into soup is more of a symbolic gesture than a flavor enhancer. And what a look inside his mind that after showing us a dozen foods he's personally fucked he thinks we're going to see "LUMPIER LUMPIA" and think, "What!? A Filipino dish!? Within this unchecked spectacle of White Nonsense!? What a unique and cosmopolitan cum fiend!" Buddy, if your Filipino friend was an octopus wearing my father's face it would be less surprising than how you are still going through with this bullshit idea for a book. How dare you make me explain this, but when you're pointlessly mashing sperm into your friend's auntie's lumpia recipe, no one is focused on the lumpia part.

Here's that amazing lumpia recipe from the Filipino friend he won't fucking shut up about. You yada yada the lumpia and then you jerk off on it. You're welcome.

When you're ejaculating into gravy, you need it to "not be too hot" or the proteins in the semen will lose their smooth texture. So this horrible thing you're doing everyone will hate and no one will taste is also a total pain in the ass to cook with. Instead of just being a guy who masturbates too many times a day, he has chosen a life of constant struggle. Fussing and fussing with the contents of his balls every day to no end. To sometimes make ceremonially inseminated gravy for one Filipino man.

And hold on, why do the ingredients specify "unheated" semen. Why would I have heated my semen, Paul? You're the asshole who invented this genre of cuisine. Why would I, a person who has never cooked with sperm before who lives in a world where no one cooks with sperm, suddenly decide after 13 recipes using unheated semen to jerk off into a pan and get it all hot? Your lumpia recipe was only seven sentences long and one of them was about climaxing on it, so you seem to think I know what I'm doing in the kitchen. And now you're suddenly micromanaging my mise en place? This is a cookbook, and you forgot to mention any temperatures or times for roasting the lamb, yet you remembered to tell everyone not to randomly, on their own initiative, heat their semen. Do you think it could be because you're a goddamn cum drunk crazy person?

Enjoy your delicious nuts? What, you're doing wordplay now? Giving us a little dick joke wink? Fuck you, Paul. You don't get to act like this is silly while eight pounds of lovingly prepared jizz sloshes around in your stomach. You overflowing creampie, you have zero perspective on the silliness of squirting cocks. The day you don't have thirty tupperware containers of semen in your fridge labeled "Paul" and "Filipino" you can giggle about how nuts can sometimes mean testicles. Until then, we do not consider you a member of the dick joke community.

It's all very appealing, Paul. You did a great job. Anyway, the book ends with five exhausting pages of storage, cooking, and harvesting tips to get you started on your culinary journey with your balls. The author is obviously a soft-brained pervert who decided "eating sperm is fine," followed by "eating sperm is normal," followed by "I must be eating all this sperm for a good reason," followed by "eating sperm is smart and refined, actually," followed by, "I am a leader in this field of highly respected science."

I don't know. Maybe there's something to learn from him. If this book is to be believed, and I don't trust a guy who has fucked more than zero people's food, Paul has cooked with sperm dozens if not thousands of times. He knows how hot you can grill semen before it loses its salty musk and smooth mouthfeel. He knows how long you can keep a specimen sample in the freezer before it's too old to eat. And he knows what type of host will ask him to leave if he spits in his hand and starts pumping his hard dick over their canapés.

This is a guy who has eaten so much sperm he can list eleven foods that "have a positive effect on its flavor" and six peculiar tasting foods that "infuse it with a distinct flavor." But he doesn't know why he's telling you this since he knows you're not ready to try it. Like all amateurs, you think infusing your sperm with flavor is as simple as eating more cabbage and wearing a garlic diaper overnight, but Paul strongly recommends you don't intentionally alter your sperm's natural, wonderful taste. At least until you're ready. And when you are, invite Paul and his appetite over for a tray of already eaten oysters you masturbated onto! He doesn't seem busy.