Learning Day: Man Cavin' With Lydia Bugg! (Patreon)

Well, everyone, it's great to be back from my sabbatical. Did you miss me? Or did you even notice that all of my articles were being written by an algorithm I programmed to watch 100 hours of Angela Lansbury Movies, all of Star Trek, and the four available episodes of Megan Wants To Marry A Millionaire, thus perfectly reconstructing my personality?

For the last six weeks, I've been attending Doritos Bigshot's School For Man Design. I hiked through the desert for seven miles with two leather ottomans and a neon naked lady lamp strapped to my back. I can engrave novelty sports trophies with names like Bubba, The Tankster, and Mr. Fart, while blindfolded. I know all of the football teams now—even The Brooklyn Nets.

A few days ago, I was expelled from Doritos Bigshot's School For Man Design for being far too manly, which is traditionally how you graduate. Using my former textbooks and acquired knowledge, I can now educate you on how to design the manliest man cave in existence.

The manliest way to acquire items for your man cave is to steal. Work is a great place to steal from. Just ask Angela Russ, author of Redecorating Your Home On A Budget, Volume 7-Man Caves:

It's crazy some of the neat stuff you can steal from work. For instance, I got this cool sign no one was using for my personal man cave just yesterday.

The only downside of stealing decor for your man cave from your job is that a man cave is meant to be a place of escape from the strain of everyday life under the matriarchy. It's a place where men can be men and do man things like starting small fires, eating raw eggs, and punching. It sounds cool saying, "if you work in a bar, bring home stuff from the bar to decorate with," but what if you work as an accountant? Probably leave all of your boring shit at the office.

Ok, so once you've got your stolen signage in place, it's time to pick a man personality to base your man cave's theme around. There are tons of personalities for men. Sports Enthusiast, Rock Star, Gambler, Car Guy, Strong Man, Great Outdoorsman, and Gamer are all real man personalities listed in Live Like The Man: The Step By Step Guide To Your Dream Man Cave. These are all great potential man personalities, but there are a few fun options that I think are overlooked. For instance, Foot Dad. Titties Bro. Depressed Ham Fucker. For simplicity's sake, we'll combine these into Horny, the most common and manliest man cave personality style.

Did you know if you google sexy lady and almost any piece of furniture, you can find a sexy lady version of that furniture? No, really, try it. It's a fun and not at all depressing hobby. For instance, I tried "sexy lady clock." (A much more risque search if you accidentally skip one vital letter).

... sexy lady rug...

... sexy lady coffee table...

... oh my god, sexy lady coffee table again...

... Jesus. Um... sexy lady refrigerator?

Oh no, I don't think she can get out.

Just picture it. Your dad comes over for some father/son bonding time. You say, "Come on in, dad. Pull a beer out of the sexy lady fridge, being sure not to let her escape. You can set it down right on this lady's spread open vagina. I mean, please use a sexy lady coaster; we're not

animals."

One second, let me check something.

Oh, hell yeah. And this could all be yours if you decide to opt for the Horny man cave.

An additional personality type mentioned only in Redecorating Your Home On A Budget: Volume 7 - Man Caves is The Lone Wolf. Normally a Lone Wolf's man cave is called a lair, but if you say, "The Joker retreated to his man cave," that sounds a little friendlier. The Lone Wolf personality is probably the second easiest man personality to accessorize. For a typical Lone Wolf-style man cave, I would probably suggest something like this:

Do you want to sit in death's lap like his good little boy every single day? What could be manlier than that? What could be more masculine than reverse-cowgirling on the boniest boner? Any Lone Wolf would be lucky to have this, the manliest chair of all time.

The man cave process may seem like it's getting pretty expensive. You might be wondering if there are any acceptable man personalities that are a little more affordable. Well, what about the actual Cave-themed man cave?

Why settle for merely a man cave when you could have an actual bear cave for FREE? Find a cave with a live bear in it and kill it. The only downside is if the bear defeats you in battle, it gets to turn your man cave into its Bear Room. Also, you'll probably die. Deservedly, the Law of The Cave might say.

Ok, so maybe you don't want to fight a bear and steal its home to escape the horrors of your loving family's presence in your daily life (barf). There are a few other options to obtain the hunter man cave.

Does anyone like the look of disembodied animal parts but not like that the animals are dead? Isn't the killing kind of the whole thing with hunting trophies? If you keep a deer head on your wall, and you're like, "Oh no, I didn't kill it. I'm just a big fan of decapitation in general," I think you're looking at more of a Lone Wolf personality than a Great Outdoorsman. Or maybe a Corpse In The Fridge Guy.

Honestly, all of the potential personalities created in Redecorating Your Home On A Budget: Volume 7 - Man Caves and  Live Like The Man are a little baffling. The outdoorsman who is also a pacifist? That's called a hippy, my friend, and hippies don't have man caves. They have man yurts, which is a whole different level of decorating Doritos Bigshot did not prepare me for, so ethically, I cannot comment on it, except to say that it suuuuuucks.

Another strange thing about Live Like The Man is the Extra Televisions section which makes me ask once again if we're building a supervillain lair. Legally you have to tell me.

Having multiple televisions going at once? Sir, you're not building a man cave. You're building a Buffalo Wild Wings. Unless you have a serious case of attention deficit disorder, is not one sport at a time enough? If you needed multiple sources of simultaneous pornography, could you not simply look down upon the gaping holes of your coffee table?

Three TVs stacked together are for themed restaurants and perverts. If you've got that in your special man-only room, which one are you? It's okay, though, pervert! If there's one thing Doritos Bigshot taught me, it's that your mancave's location should be super private.

This gem from Redecorating Your Home On A Budget: Volume 7 - Man Caves is correct. Your kids have nothing to do with who you are as a person. Removing every trace of them is absolutely necessary. A decontamination shower is an excellent addition to any man cave, especially if it's a mad scientist themed cave. Sorry, I'm remembering now; that definitely qualifies as a lair. You’re not going to trick me into building a lair, guys!

Let's go back to talking about sports, I guess? That's always safe Man territory.

You may be asking yourself, "what exactly is a man couch? Does it have a special divot for your balls?" Luckily, I'm authorized to release that information to the general public, but only if you're going to buy one! So please don't look at the below image if you're not going to seriously, for 100% certain, purchase the man couch.

It's on sale for the low price of your firstborn child—a pittance to pay for so much manly. The only problem is, if you exchange your child for this sick as shit couch, your wife will probably leave you, and then who will you need to seek refuge from in your special man room? Philosophers call this the Paradox of The Man Cave.

If you make your cave too manly, your entire house will be absorbed by the cave. This is the forbidden knowledge attainable only at Doritos Bigshot's School For Man Design. So now that you know what I have to offer, a cave so manly your wife will definitely divorce you, give me a call!

Lydia may disperse more design secrets on Twitter, assuming the bear loses.