Learning Day: Lydia Goes to Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock 'N Roll Steak House (Patreon)

Pre-vaccination I liked to joke that once I was vaccinated, I would lick an outdoor picnic table or touch a stranger's face just for the thrill of it, but I don't really want to do either of those things. I wanted to celebrate my reentry into the world, flex my newfound immunity by descending into filth, but you know, in a fun way! So, I decided to pilgrimage to the national capital of questionable decisions, Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk And Rock N Roll Steak House.

Country musician-owned restaurants are the new trend in Downtown Nashville dining. In fact, Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk And Rock N Roll Steakhouse sits across the street from Luke Bryan's 32 Bridge, catty-corner from Blake Shelton's Ole Red, and a few buildings away from Jason Aldean's medium-sized juke joint and hip hop vegan bakery.

Let me break down the restaurant's name for you because there's some confusion about what the full name of the establishment might be. Their website URL is kidrockshonkytonkandsteakhouse.com, no ass, but their social media handles are all @bigasshonkytonk, full ass included.

A careful breakdown of the logo will show you that it doesn't actually say the word ass. It simply portrays a donkey, and below that, a human ass in case you looked at the donkey and thought, "why is that there?" You might then see the ass below it and be like, "oh right, ass."

There's also a guitar and a fedora featured in case you didn't know the Kid Rock featured in the name was the Kid Rock. "Maybe it's some other, unaffiliated, Kid who Rocks?" You might think. After all, no one can trademark kids rocking. Don't worry; the sign says it's theee Kid Rock, the one arrested for assaulting a guy at waffle house! Oh, and the donkey means ass. We even put a big arrow pointing to the donkey, so you would definitely notice the ass part.

The sign was a big deal that required a city council vote because it contains a depiction of a "woman's buttocks." The city of Nashville didn't want a dirty word like "Ass" on the sign for the restaurant because Nashville is a clean, family-friendly town in a highly conservative red state. Anyway, the first thing you see when you walk into Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock N Roll Steakhouse is a four-foot-tall sign that says CADILLAC PUSSY.

I guess that's fine with the city of Nashville because it's inside, and you have to be over 21 to get in…except according to Yelp, the bar is "family-oriented" during the day.

Whose family exactly? Who's dragging their toddler and grandma to Cadillac Pussy central to enjoy a Big Ass Dog? Other notable décor includes a bronze bald eagle gripping a sign that says BAD ASS in its talons hanging above the main bar...

... and an outfit, which I assumed would be something that Kid Rock wore to the Grammys, but on closer inspection, it's displayed with a diamond award given to him by his record company in recognition of selling ten million copies of Devil Without A Cause. Kid Rock has never won ANY displayable award. His IMDB awards page is the saddest thing I've ever seen. He's been nominated for three Grammys, two MTV VMA's, and even two Teen Choice Awards, all of which he lost and none of which he wore this ugly suit to.

There are also various framed Kid Rock Rolling Stone covers and a bunch of car hoods badly painted with other country singer's faces. The overall aesthetic is PG-13 TGI-Fridays meets PUSSY. I don't know who the guy on the bottom left in this picture is, but I can only assume Kid Rock fucking hates him.

Another thing that I immediately noticed about Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock N Roll Steakhouse is it seems like they may have the occasional issue with controlling their patrons' behavior. The fine people who journey to Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk And Rock N Roll Steakhouse do things like jump in the elevators.

And instead of giving their empty bottles to their waitresses to dispose of, they simply smash them into God's trash can, the ground, or potentially hurl them from the rooftop bar into the empty VIP lounge area just to watch them shatter. Since I attended Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock N Roll Steakhouse at 11 AM on a Sunday morning with the post-church crowd, I'm not sure if this is a leftover mess from the previous Saturday night or just more of that Kid Rock "Sunday morning glass-smashin'" vibe. Glass littered across the ground is the Kid Rock equivalent of a real estate agent baking cookies in a house before touring it. It's those little touches that make the place feel like Kid Rock.

I should probably mention that I decided to go to Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock N Roll Steakhouse because it recently made headlines in Nashville when a guy with a confederate flag tattooed across his head weaponized his colostomy bag against police officers at the bar.

There's a Twitter account called Nashville Scanner that tweets metro Nashville police and fire activity. Their pinned tweets says, "No day of week is exempt from a police or fire call at Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N Roll Steakhouse." Scrolling through their feed puts together a pretty good picture of what I already guessed.

April 23rd- disorderly conduct report

April 25th- Reported stabbing

May 1st- The colostomy bag incident

May 7th- Elevator Rescue

May 9th- Ambulance needed for intoxicated 40-year-old female

May 17th- Oh look, another elevator rescue. You went ten days this time, boys. Nice job!

May 20th- unconscious person

Etc.

That's not even a full list, just a snapshot of the chaos that happens when you theme a restaurant around a man who always looks vaguely confused about why you would want to take a picture of him. Does Kid Rock know he's Kid Rock?

Also probably related to… crimes, almost everything you eat and drink off of is plastic. They don't give you plastic utensils, but you get the idea they want to. When the waitress hands you your fork, she sort of looks at you in a way that says, "I'm trusting you not to stab anybody with this but also, I'm well trained in first aid if you do."

By this point, you're probably wondering how the food was at Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock N Roll Steakhouse, and you're probably expecting an absolutely harrowing gastrointestinal journey. I know I usually have a policy of avoiding restaurants with ass in the name. Browsing their Yelp photos, you will see a buffet of nightmares.

Tremble in fear of the blue cheese steak, which appears to be no longer on their menu for some reason? Possibly because it looks like a silver age comic book villain whose power was vomiting on people and begging them to kill him.

Be mystified by the chunky properties of the wedge salad. More blue cheese? Why does Kid Rock love blue cheese so much?

Gaze in wonder at this burnt steak with Costco onion rings combo, which is the most expensive thing on the menu. It costs seventy-nine dollars, and the people that get it love to post pictures of themselves eating it with one hand like a turkey leg at Disney World, except those cost around twelve bucks, and this is, once again, an almost eighty dollar piece of burnt cow butt that Kid Rock once gave a thumbs up too.

I have to say my food was fine. Not mind-blowing, but maybe better than a steak from Applebee's. (Yes, I've eaten steak at Applebee's. I used to work there, and I got a discount, so of course, I'm going to eat like I'm the Duchess of Applebee.) I did have some trouble cutting the steak because the steak knife was extremely dull, yet another safety-proofing feature of Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Childproof Playground For Intoxicated Rednecks.

The drinks were also teeny tiny. It was basically a thimbleful of alcohol, so how people were getting drunk enough to pass out I have no idea. I'm not sure how much it cost because when we left, the band had just started attempting to sing an extremely off-key version of "Fight For Your Right To Party." I needed to go, but I can guarantee you the child-sized drinks were expensive. Oh, you know what, maybe the drinks were child-sized because…

By the way, the music at Kid Rock's Ass Honky Tonk And Rock N Roll Steakhouse is mercifully not all Kid Rock songs. They had four floors of the restaurant open with three bands playing. The first floor is two stories tall, so the same band covers both. There is a Kid Rock song roughly every fifteen minutes in a way that feels like a mandate, but hey, if you're going to Disney World, you expect to see Mickey Mouse, right? Except in this instance Mickey Mouse looks like he’s been awake for 72 hours binge-watching YouTube conspiracy videos and porn, and he’s no longer entirely sure he's Mickey Mouse.

For a minute, I was sitting outside on the rooftop patio. It was a nice day. The sun was shining. I was enjoying the company of friends for the first time since I got the vaccine. The band was playing an old Sum 41 song, which sounded terrible, but Sum 41 always sounds terrible, so it felt authentic, and I thought Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk And Rock N Roll Steak House isn't so bad.

Was the food good? No. Did I enjoy the décor? No? Do I like a single thing about Kid Rock as a person? No, hard no, he fuckin sucks and is terrible. BUT this 11 AM Sunday morning version of Kid Rock that was dumbed down and, some might even say,

, was at least tolerable.

You might also say by exposing myself to a more benign version of Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock N Roll Steak House, I experienced some mild symptoms of enjoying the Kid Rock lifestyle but ultimately, having learned its mysteries, gained a permanent immunity from Kid Rock.

You know what else rocks and enjoys steaks? Lydia’s twitter.