Learning Day: The 100 Top Psychics in America (Patreon)

If you're a loyal hotdog enjoyer, you probably recall the ballad of Paulette Cooper, the woman who bravely fought Scientology for nearly a decade and then wrote a horny book about cats. Once Scientology finally decided to leave Paulette alone, she moved to Palm Beach, Florida, where she focused her journalistic pursuits on normal, moral, sane people: America's greatest psychics!

That's right, after covering Scientology and cats, what else could she do but make a directory of America's top psychics? She begins the book by explaining the vetting process for these psychics, which included strenuous interviews with credentialed research assistants. If you're wondering what kind of credentials you need to vet psychics, one hosted a new age radio show, and the other published a new age magazine. Hosting a new age radio show shouldn't make you an authority on anything other than which calming journeyscape leads back to Enya.

In celebration of the recent Academy Awards, I've decided to showcase the best of these 100 psychics to you in award categories because there are 100 of them. It was too hard to choose a few to showcase when so many are batshit insane. First up, we've the category for Craziest Eyes.

Hailing from the mystical land of Wooster, Ohio, Komar is a psychic healer, and he's decided to convey his psychicness to you by staring directly down the camera, one eye slightly more open than the other, as if he's seeing into the future and there's someone there he wants to kill. It's probably whoever shaved his beard to make it look like either side of his head could be the top if you flipped his facial features in the right direction. This motherfucker's real name is Vernon Craig. If your name is Vernon Craig and you're buying a turban, stop. Stop and fucking take a look at yourself, Vernon.

Dayle Schear is a psychic detective who is side-eyeing you because she knows all of your secrets. She was once on an episode of Murder She Wrote, where she correctly predicted that she was the murderer. She's what face scientists call "mostly nose."

Judy Heavenly, a Hollywood psychic, is going for a "come hither and let me tell your fortune" look but is landing more on "scared child lost in a Macy's bathroom." A fun fact about Judy is she's not lost; it's ok. Her Dad is right outside.

We've got three strong contenders in this category, but it looks like the award goes to…Oh my God, it's a surprise ringer. The Craziest Eyes belong to the two Shih Tzus that Paulette Cooper is holding in her author picture!

These haunted animals look like they know secrets about Scientology but understand what will happen if they ever tell another living soul. Please pray for these traumatized dogs and try not to picture waking up in the middle of the night and seeing them at the end of your bed.

Ok, our next award is for Psychic Most Likely to Actually be the Vengeful Ghost of Lunch Lady Clipart.

Beverly Jaegers is a business psychic. Her hair is so big because it's full of stock tips. You might be wondering why a woman who can predict the stock market with her psychic powers has to do anything but that for a living. Strangely, it's the most burning question I have, and it's not addressed at all? What a weird oversight on behalf of the new age radio host who vetted her.

Greta Alexander was struck by lightning, and she fucking loved it. Now she specializes in talking to spirits on her tiny imaginary hand telephone. "Hello ghosts, it's me, Greta, and I have a very particular set of skills: needlepoint, pie, and pie."

Dorothy Allison from Nutley, New Jersey, is a psychic crime detective who probably got her powers from her magic glasses with a prescription so strong she can see into the future. Dorothy may be the only person in this book I believe is psychic based purely on how little of a fuck it looks like she gives. She looks like Jonah Hill playing his own grandmother in a film called My Grandmother, The Toad. This is a woman who doesn't care what you say about her because she's seen how you die, and it's in a weird sex accident.

I'm not sure who to give this one to; a lot of great contenders this round. Wait a second, my hand is ringing. It's Greta. Greta wins because I fear her.

On the other end of the psychic spectrum are the women of our next category: Most Likely to Lose Their Powers if You Cut Their Hair Like Samson. The ghosts are in the follicles.

Jill Dahne is a second-generation love psychic who also manages a Claire's at the mall. She can tell you who your future husband is and pierce your ears wicked good.

Lou Wright was Elvis's personal psychic, so obviously, we already know one big mistake she made in her career. She says she did know that Elvis was going to die…but I guess she decided not to give him a heads up? Kind of lame of Lou if you ask me. Her hair is so big even the borders of this photo can't contain it.

Linda Georgian, wait, is this one of the last two ladies again? Let me scroll up and see. No, it's not. Wait, maybe it is? Scrolling up one more time. Ok, this is definitely a third lady...is it?

And it looks like we've got a three-way tie for this category. None of these women's powers would survive if you shaved their heads, and also, I can't keep the fact that they are three separate beings in my mind. I blame psychic magic, probably from Greta.

Now we've got a few one-off categories that I just had to draw your attention to, like Best Paw Paw, How Did You Get In Here?

Armand Marcotte, the celebrity psychic to John Wayne, looks exactly like what I would expect John Wayne's psychic to look like. He's out on his tractor all day farming, and at night he's at the Ouija board communing with America's most patriotic ghost, Mr. John Wayne.

Oh, and I can't forget The Litany Burns Memorial Award For People I've Written About Before. This year's winner is Litany Burns!

Litany is listed under general psychics, which is a real bummer category for this book. Be a more interesting psychic, Litany!

Other than photographs and contact information for each psychic in the book, we're also treated to brief interviews Paulette does with each psychic. Usually, she asks them if they like being psychic, which they always answer with, "No, no, it's a terrible burden. If only I could work at Burger King instead of lying to Lady Gaga about why her dog poops in her sunroom for a living."

Then Paulette gets into more specific questions, which are the impetus for our next round of awards. The first nominee for Craziest Story in This Book is: Penelope Smith, Animal Psychic, for her answer to the question, "Give an example of your own telepathic interspecies communication."

At its heart, this is the story of a llama being a bitch to her friends, so of course, I love it. It's a great story, but the image of this child doing her special llama dance and then basing her adult career choices around the fact that the llamas were into it is deeply sad.

Next, we have some fantastic work from Jill Dahne, with her answer to the question, "When was it first obvious that you had psychic abilities?"

Did she go to Kindergarten in Salem Village in the year of our Lord, 1692? Who is giving a ten day suspension for an alleged good guess? Is she sure she didn't raise her hand and say, "You're about to write the number four, motherfucker!" and then just gravely misunderstood her punishment?

Finally, we’ve got a weird answer from Komar about why he got into proving to people that he's immune to pain.

Can you imagine working on a charity committee and being like, "Well, really, these people don't need help at all? Most of you are no better than them. It's who you need help to be as cool as me! Komar, the peak of human potential!"

Next, we're going with the Pettiest Use of Psychic Powers. Starting with psychic detective Nancy Myer's use of her mystical abilities for charming childhood pranks.

I feel like she could know when they were out of the room with her eyeballs so she could shortsheet their beds. Was this maniac breaking into people's homes while they were at the grocery store to perform mildly inconvenient, old-timey practical jokes? I’d also like to point out the shade of this question.

Paulette: Did you have many friends?

Nancy: No, how did you know? Are you psychic too?

Paulette: Sure. That’s it.

When Dayle Schear is asked about making predictions for herself, the first thing she thinks of is avoiding traffic jams, then, oh yeah, spending time with her loved ones who are about to die. These ladies are fucking nuts.

Dark, Dayle, but not as dark as the time Leash Lusher saved a woman's marriage by predicting the death of her shitty mother-in-law:

Ah, to know the joy of a woman performing the very normal task of calling her psychic from her mother-in-law's funeral to tell her that death prediction was a slam dunk! "Yeah, someone cut the brake lines in her car. So tragic, anyway, thanks for the good ide-- I mean prediction."

Our final award is for Best Con. In a book full of people saying whatever for money, Jeannine Parvati Baker, who specializes in helping women connect with their unborn and sometimes even unconceived children, has truly discovered the world's best con.

This does seem like the perfect work-from-home setup. Simply project yourself into the hospital rooms of random women. It's easy, no one can tell when it doesn't work, and most insurance providers cover ghost fees up to $9000.

I'd like to leave you not with an award, but with a prediction for the future, the year 2000!

I hear the color wars at suicide camp are intense. If she had accurately predicted the meteoric rise of a comedy website called 1976Brautwurst...1800Sausage...it’s definitely meat... I’m sensing a cylindrical meat. THEN I would be impressed.

Lydia sees you following her on Twitter in the future. Wait, is it her? Or is it Patton Oswalt? It’s definitely a comedian of some sort.