Nerding Day: New Adventures of Mega Man, Part 2 đ (Patreon)
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When we last left the heroes of New Adventures of Mega Man, Capcomâs officially endorsed Mega Man comic for all of Brazil, Mega Man and Mega Man X briefly stopped trying to fuck their increasingly naked sister just long enough for the author to declare war on Capcom and all of the comics industry.
That was two issues. That all happened in two issues!
It was magical. Jose Pereira, the author of this five-issue run, showed up to the office Christmas party in a mini-skirt, told off the boss, tried to nail the secretary on top of Santa, then set the building on fire while still inside it. And they gave him three more issues!
He didnât even get fired! He quit! Heâs my hero and he should be yours, too.
Anyway, I hope that recap helped you get back into the New Adventures of Mega Man headspace. You got it all?
Good. Now blow it out your ass.
Fuck you for even paying attention to it. It will not come up again.
The comic now takes place in Sao Paolo, and this is the very first page of issue #3:
Pereira spent the entire first issue clumsily worldbuilding a Mega Man comic from shit his drunk roommate almost remembered about Krion Conquest. Then he ditched the entire thing in issue 2 in favor of getting hilariously fired as hard as anybody ever has.
He somehow failed at that.
He still had a job! Nobody foresaw this! This is like crashing that boat in the Suez canal and then, when itâs all over, your boss tells you to come in early for work tomorrow.
You would have other plans! Probably for suicide!
But no, Jose Pereira still had a job to do, and that job was to make everybody regret giving him a job. He started by once again throwing everything away, and opening issue #3 with Mega Man X on a nationlistic rant about Sao Paolo.
Iâm not sure why weâre bothering with the modesty of those little leaf codpieces - you will see full on Roll titties before this issue is out.
Mega Man X, attempted sister fucker and successful murderer of millions - thatâs canon! Thatâs officially-licensed, Capcom endorsed Mega Man canon! - is trying to gaslight his sister about the glory of Brazil, but sheâs having none of it because she got on the internet once, so she knows the truth.
Iâve long said that people who prefer Mega Man X to the originals are fascist pigs who should be first against the wall when revolution comes, but now I have proof! Officially licensed proof!
I know what youâre thinking: âHow can Rollâs titties grow in every panel?â and âWhen did we start carefully rendering her bare nipples through her shirt?â
But I know what else youâre thinking: âAt least X and Roll being at odds means one less robot trying to bang his cybersister.â
Donât you get sick of being wrong all the time?
We are, holy shit, just five pages into issue #3 and one of our main characters has gone so Bolsonaro itâs a wonder he doesnât have robo-COVID, only briefly pausing his jingoistic manifesto to confirm to nobody that he would totally still bang his sister, even if sheâs wrong about the importance of historical accuracy and trusting the internet.
Wait, hold on-
I know weâve seen her strip in front of her brother, half-drowned in quicksand, and cheerfully dismembered just so we could hit every one of Mississippiâs most popular PornHub searches, but do you think Roll is sexy enough?
I know sheâs wearing an open shirt with no bra and two pages ago 90% of the pencils went to the shadows around her nipples, but I feel like the raw sexuality of this character, who is a child in the video games, has not been fully expressed.
Thatâs the 10th Roll wardrobe change of the first three issues of New Adventures of Mega Man, each one with 80% less fabric. She looks like a Rob Liefeld Good Tryâ˘. Heâd get a lollipop, a smiley-face, and eight million dollars for that gender-swapped DeviantArt Shatterstar.
But I know whatâs happening here. I know â90s anime rules. I was there. I know when a woman gets metal titties and her body starts devouring her thong, that means sheâs about to kick some ass. I know that.
The Mega Men donât.
We once again pause the action so both iterations of Mega Man, then-flagship characters of Capcom, can carefully explain to a woman why sheâs useless.
Roll doesnât listen, and we get another reminder that âsisterâ doesnât mean something else in Megalese - these people are family, they want to fuck each other, and theyâre definitely actually related.
And if, hold on-
I did promise you Rollâs full and bare breasts this issue. Iâm sorry, I almost forgot.
Now, my Portuguese is terrible - I can basically only say âdo you want to see the sisterâs robot titties, and then have some delicious potato and cabbage soup?â but apparently thatâs all I need to make the Letters to the Editor Page.
Back to the action-
Fuck! We missed the action!
Now itâs time for Mega Man X to, of course, accuse the original Mega Man of White Knighting, call his sister a whore, and then once again reiterate that all women are good for is domestic upkeep.
Oh shit! Is that�
Thatâs an evil robot!
Fuck yes, weâre going to do Mega Man stuff! That robot looks like his theme is uhâŚ
What is that armor supposed to be? Maybe race cars? Race Man? Thatâs a worrisome handle. What are those, robot anuses? Iâd almost prefer Gape Man to Race Man. Seriously, what is that evil robotâs theme? We need to know so we can predict his attack style!
Heâs Mayor Man?
Heâs Mayor Man!
Holy hell, I kind of forgot who we were dealing with here. I think Jose Pereira is my new favorite insane idiot and youâre reading that on this site, so you know what these stakes are. He put precisely one evil robot in his Mega Man run, and itâs the fucking mayor of Sao Paolo - a corrupt socialist! Thatâs how unwilling he is to do any Mega Man shit whatsoever. The evil robot isnât even named Something Man, as tradition demands. Maludijan is a portmanteau of three actual mayors of Sao Paolo, just so Jose Pereira can libel and then kill three real politicians on one page.
But not before Mayor Man destroys Roll using his special weapon: Electoral Missiles.
Maybe thatâs a pun that doesnât translate from Portuguese, or maybe we have prior proof that you literally canât pay Jose Pereira to give a shit, so itâs probably that.
But donât worry! Roll isnât totally dead. We established that she can be erotically dismantled in a manner that you cannot prosecute for -- every Jose Pereiraâs fantasy.
She hasnât been killed. But she has been reduced to âjust a box.â
Thatâs a little on the nose, even for the comic featuring the evil robot mayor of Sao Paoloâs Electoral Missiles.
And hey, if having a beloved video game protagonist explode a chimera of politicians the author doesnât like isnât a weird enough right wing political jab for your taste, have I got a meanwhile for you!
So the villains, not previously mentioned, have a big evil plan and itâs to open a portal to alternate dimensions so they can... preach the virtues of their belief systems? This is just interdimensional Mormonism. Thatâs the worst thing Pereira can think of: Women with agency who disagree with him politically being allowed to talk.
But wait, they want to spread the word of communism to dimensions who havenât heard of it, but also pull in a great communist warrior from that dimension which, again, has not heard of communism? Itâs amazing that we got the plot and a plot-destroying plothole in two consecutive panels.
So who is this mighty warrior who will surely fight for Marxism just as soon as you explain Marxism? Is it any college freshman? No! Itâs...
Oh shit, itâs Princess, the gender-swapped authorial insert of the man who hates women! Read nothing into the fact that the guy who spent the last three issues calling women useless whores wrote himself in as the sexiest lady of all. Read nothing into the fact that she took Rollâs cue and changed into something even skimpier. Read nothing into the fact that-
You know what? Just stop reading into facts. Nothing good will come of it.
Because Princess is finally here, and every single time sheâs been shown we, the readers, are explicitly promised sheâs going to fuck everything up big time.
So get ready to fuck things up!
Surely!
I mean, it would be crazy if we forgot about Princess entirely to, say, dedicate the entire next issue to child prostitution in Brazil. That would be nuts. It would be insane if the issue after that still didnât mention Princess. It would be completely mental if Jose Pereira risked his job, his career, possibly his life just to unveil his grandest creation -- a big-titted anime girl who only says what he wants -- and then promised she would wreak unfathomable destruction every time she was on the page, only to quit the entire comic book without ever having her do a single thing. That would defy reason.
So hereâs issue #4 of New Adventures of Mega Man. Itâs about child prostitution in Brazil.
This is actually Rollâs origin story, and we open on her dancing with another little girl, which is a very Brazilian thing to do, only to get power-slapped by a controlling older woman, which is an even more Brazilian thing to do.
She goes on to, hold on-
I almost forgot to tell you to eat shit for remembering anything from the previous issue!
Wow, okay. I am dropping the ball here. If you slipped up and accidentally remembered something that happened, or were expecting anything like a coherent storyline to emerge from any of the previously mentioned plotlines, please take a moment out now to go to fuck yourself as hard as you possibly can. Weâre on the honor system here, donât ruin it for everybody.
Back to Rollâs origin story -- and remember this is an officially licensed, Capcom-endorsed IP so this is all technically canon:
Mega Manâs sister was human trafficked.
This is it. This is most of the issue. Just page after page of loose collections of traumatized girls breaking the panel flow while middle school poetry struggles to explain that human trafficking is actually pretty gross, you guys.
Hey, real quick reminder: This is a Mega Man comic.
Hey, real quick reminder: This is Roll in the games.
That sprite is now a child prostitute.
Thatâs canon!
Donât get uppity with me about canon! Capcom officially sold the license to Mega Man to this insane comic book company and then they took a summer off to discover themselves. They let this happen, and that means itâs forever part of Mega Man lore now.
Roll is a former child prostitute, Mega Man wants to bang his sister so bad he creams his denim jumpsuit just to look at her, and Mega Man X is a gaslighting nationalist who also, of course, wants to bang his human trafficked sisterbot.
Remember, this is a comic book. A fun comic book for kids.
This isnât even a Very Special Issue where they eschew comic book conventions to tell a serious story.
Hereâs page 14 Just abject despair and misery, full of frightened naked children and⌠nazis, I guess? Mega Nazis?
Now hereâs page 15⌠fan mail!
Whoa! Cool! Look at that neat Mega Man 2 fan art! Ha ha, get âem Blue Bomber!
Hereâs page 16!
Thereâs no way, thereâs no fucking way you went to the store with your saved-up allowance to buy a comic book with your favorite video game character on the cover and expected to get a pretentiously cut splash page about child molestation. But again -- look back at that fan art. Kids are buying this!
Kids are learning that, hold on -
Youâre worried, arenât you? Donât worry. I feel you worrying again! Youâre worried they take Roll to a gross dude who molests her.
Donât worry.
Only all those other girls got molested, Roll was purchased by a man who just wanted to flay her and turn her into a cyborg.
You were worried!
And heâs only going to turn her into a prostitute AFTER sheâs in the robot body! So the sexbot will look grown up - you know, the one weâve been ogling every single issue -- but itâll be a childâs brain in it. That makes it morally okay, because by the time you finish explaining it to people who might judge you, theyâve already written you off as a terminal nerd and arenât listening for the really bad part.
You worried for nothing!
Hey, real quick reminder: thatâs Dr. Light, the creator of Mega Man, who apparently worked abducting children and turning them into bionic moonwhores before having a crisis of conscience.
So thatâs Mega Man canon, too. Dr. Light, this guy:
Built so many child prostitute robots that he just couldnât build another child prostitute robot, and thatâs actually why he built Mega Man in the first place. To stop the child prostitute robots! He built!
Thatâs, I donât know, the plot of the first Mega Man. Hereâs the intro to Mega Man for the NES.
Capcom left that wording nice and vague, but now we can fill in the blanks. Dr. Wilyâs âevil desiresâ were to build child hobots, and as soon as you pressed âstartâ Mega Man ran off to mercy-kill the young sex slaves trapped inside the powerful robotic frames of Ice Man and Guts Man. Thatâs what you were doing, playing that game!
Eat Bubble Lead, child prostitute!
Anyway, that was issue #4. Jose Pereira has one issue left to peddle his madness. But now youâre feeling prepared for it. Youâre ready for anything he can throw at you. Fuckinâ Capcomâs communist Brazilian child trafficking robot armies, whatever! You can handle this next swerve.
Hereâs issue #5: A fun rollerblade race!
Straight up. No swerves.
Itâs just a Wacky Races-style rollerblade derby starring your favorite Mega Man characters.
Jose Pereira opened with a pretty basic âawaken the saviorâ plotline in issue #1. Then he went completely mad with a nothing amount of power for three straight issues, filling them with rants about big government and socialism, proclaiming that all Brazilian comic book publishers are sluts for corporate dick, and decrying the fascists at Capcom itself. He spun out for an entire comic full of just artsy minimalist splash panels about human trafficking and child prostitution -- and then he wrapped it all up with the mandatory â90s rollerblade issue.
Hahaha, fantastic. He knew. He knew youâd come to expect the abuse, that you flinched every time he raised his hand, and the only thing he could do to surprise you was instead use that hand to lace up some bitchinâ blades and shred the gnar.
Fuck you, the reader, in every direction. Thatâs really what Jose Periera wanted to get across in his time with New Adventures of Mega Man. Thatâs it. Thatâs the only consistent message he carried through every single issue.
Well, that and all women are âwashing machines.â
He just really thought that was hilarious.
...
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