Upsetting Day: Jewel-Osco's JoJo Mascot Can Suck It (Patreon)

In 2017, the regional Illinois/Indiana/Iowa supermarket chain Jewel-Osco drew a big pentagram on the ground and did all of the required rituals to summon a new mascot into our dimension. Its name was JoJo, and everyone on the internet took a few minutes out of their day to let Jewel-Osco know that JoJo looked like shit.

Comments on the blog post announcing JoJo's satan birth included, "This looks like drunk me tried to draw Elmo." And, "This is a weirdo nightmare, but also, it is literally the most friendly Jewel employee I've ever seen." JoJo was called a walking acid flashback, a monster that definitely eats children, and a serial killer from the Grimace dimension. I called him that last one.

Most people forgot about JoJo immediately the day after he appeared, but I had a deeper interest. I've always had a thing about mascots. They're a weird blend of creativity and commercialism that fascinates me. For instance, I doubt there are many people who know more about the lore of the McDonald mascots than me.

I've watched every episode of The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald, the 1998 direct to VHS series set in the McDonaldland universe. I've traced the Grimace family tree back four generations. I have intense theories about the religious doctrine of the McNugget buddies.

I know I said that JoJo looks like a serial killer from the Grimace dimension, but that was obviously a joke, because first of all, JoJo doesn't deserve to clean up Grimace's purple piss, and second, Grimaces don't come from another dimension, they come from Grimace island. Grimace is a third-generation immigrant to McDonaldland, according to the lore established in The Legend Of Grimace Island. Yes, Grimace is both his name and race. Grimace is a Grimace.

Anyway, JoJo's backstory is less clear. All that we know about JoJo is that he is employed by Jewel-Osco grocery stores, and he's legally distinct from a Minion.

I mean, that's the only official JoJo cannon, but I've learned some things about JoJo from intensely following his social media presence over the last four years. So to help Jewel-Osco really establish JoJo's essences as a person, I've collected some canon JoJo facts into a JoJo bible which I will be mailing to Jewel-Osco corporate along with a request for payment in the form of keeping JoJo the hell away from me forever.

There's no room for humility in JoJo's world. When Jojo achieves something, or purchases something, he goes straight to social media for the validation of strangers. He had his own name painted on the side of his car, the needy fuck.

What a dick. His car looks an awful lot like the car Regina George drives in Mean Girls. Is the JoJo mobile meant to evoke such a classic movie villain?

JoJo visits sick children in the hospital, which you might think sounds like a nice thing, but JoJo is not famous. He isn't doing any sick child a favor by showing up in their hospital room. He's just making them say, "Um, I ordered Thor? Did some other kid get Thor while I'm stuck with JoJo the… I'm sorry, what is JoJo? Legally distinct from a Minion? That's all we know about him? I would really like to speak to Thor, please."

I have more social media followers than JoJo, but I'm not bursting into children's hospital rooms and expecting them to get excited about seeing me. I know that I'm not famous. JoJo has 700 followers on Instagram and thinks he's hot shit.

Brazil doesn't give a fuck whether or not you celebrate it, JoJo! Brazil doesn't know who you are!

This is how Jojo tries to solidify his place as a celebrity. He's sort of the Kim Kardashian of mascots, seeking fame by being in the aura of other famous people. He's constantly dropping casual posts like, “oh, here's me and my GOOD FRIEND, the SOX baseball mascot monster. He's soooo crazy lol. Please ignore the man I murdered. He wouldn’t get out of the shot! Totes annoying.”

Or, here's me with Wolverine and Captain American, might fuck around and join the Avengers soon, tee hee. We hang out, so I'm just like THEM, right?

Notice that JoJo didn't respond to the question, "What is your superpower?" That seems suspicious. Is it because he doesn't have any powers or because he does have a power and it's "Hypnotizing people into forgetting all of the terrible things I've done."

Here's JoJo and a bunch of his friends, definitely about to have a wild night that results in a dead body being dumped in the Nevada desert. You'll notice one of them is brandishing a weapon. What dangerous people does JoJo keep company with when he's not at Jewel-Osco?

Another good thing to keep in mind about JoJo is that JoJo doesn't have any personal convictions. When the pandemic first started, he didn't take it seriously at all, and people noticed.

In an Instagram video where he thanked Jewel-Osco's hard-working employees for putting themselves at risk during the pandemic, an astute customer noticed JoJo's lack of PPE. Endangering the very employees he's supposed to be thanking! Corporate must have taken notice, too, because in the very next video…

Jojo is suddenly masking up. Don't pretend like you actually care, JoJo. We all know it was the mask or your job. Also, this pose looks like he just got caught jacking off in an alley, and he's saying, "Wait, stop! I'll give you five hundred bucks for the photos man, please don't ruin my career. I'm already in hot water for my very good opinions about how masks are a tool of the Deep State!"

If you ever find yourself asking the question, "Where is JoJo" you should panic because the answer is always right behind you. Jojo only knows two methods of movement, and they are looming and lurking.

You will never escape the watchful eye of JoJo. It doesn't matter if you are doing good or evil. JoJo knows no morality. Chaos is his only God.

In 2018, JoJo's first birthday was a three hour extravaganza held in a private room at Chicago's Brookfield Zoo. There was a JoJo-shaped cake. Children were painted with the mark of JoJo.

In 2019, JoJo's second birthday was in a pavilion at Six Flags with slightly smaller but similar fanfare. Jewel-Osco even made a line of JoJo cookies to celebrate.

Jojo had no third birthday party. Now, I know we were all a little busy following COVID restrictions in June of 2020, but not even a happy birthday social media post for JoJo? Of course I don't want to see JoJo throwing a birthday party (although I doubt he would mind since we've pretty conclusively proved that JoJo is a COVID denier), but it still seems pretty crazy to let JoJo's birthday flutter by completely unremarked on by Jewel-Osco.

They posted on Instagram six times in June of 2020, and yet JoJo's birthday rolled right by like a sad, unremarkable event. I think this is pretty conclusive proof that JoJo's corporate parents have grown weary of JoJo. His social media presence is fading, and soon, I predict, we will see JoJo leave the earth and return to his natural home.

Look into JoJo’s eye and listen carefully...follow Lydia on Twitter @YouKnowLydia