Fucking Day: Playgirl Morning Workout 🌭 (Patreon)

In 1985, 78% of all American plastic was used for aerobics videos. One of them -the wettest one- was called VIDEO COLLECTION SPORTS PLAYGIRL Morning Workout. It was priced-to-own and let you exercise with the "hunks" from Playgirl! Those quotes aren't mine, and I don't know why the copywriter added them. If you ask me, these men are quite handsome. Are you not legally allowed to call nude men hunks without some kind of certification? Because again, if you told me these were hunks without any qualification I wouldn't stop you and go, "Well, okay... "HUNKS." But anyway, you say you exercise with them? Alright, I'm listening."

You don't expect a lot of surprise twists in a workout video, and there are none in PLAYGIRL Morning Workout. This is an undisguised excuse for ball cleavage. Professional dick basket models steal seductive glances at you while they do jumping jacks and look deep into your eyes as they stretch. It seems designed for a very specific type of '80s woman to jerk off to. It's possible she never existed and this ended up being jerked off to by a very specific type of '80s man, but the point is: If the producers found out you were using this for fitness they would wonder what they did wrong. Now let's meet the "hunks!"

If your loins can take it, meet Playgirl's Man of the Year, STEVE RALLY. He is the mustached ideal of the young '80s hunk aesthetic, a look we now call "Middle-aged and very out." Steve Rally is driven to his workout by a woman who licks his mouth goodbye, and he sexily takes his sunglasses off in a way suggesting we're next. Then they show some of his nude photography. And while I think we all agree it's hard for men to look cool in naked photos, Steve Rally's pictures have a dark, aggressive quality to them, like they're evidence in a case you don't want to hear the details of. He's also got a crisp g-string tan line I have no joke for but find impossible not to mention.

Next up is Playgirl's Man for August, JOHN JOHNSON. Maybe it's his lack of mustache and charm, but it seems like JOHN JOHNSON has no interest in seduction. He seems like he only took this job because Nick Nolte already took all the acting gigs for people with Nick Nolte's face.

Playgirl's Man from Australia is named PHIL HARTE. He's maybe 19 or maybe 48, and his name is just like him-- clearly looking for a "man." Who gave you your hunk alias, Phil Harte? Dustin Hoff? Hugh Jack? Dwayne The Johnson? Wait, sorry, this is terrible. I guess a presentable Australian guy in his underpants isn't the most inspiring comedy setup I've ever had. Let's hope our next "hunk" sucks!

Playgirl's Man for February, MIKE O'GRADY, looks like a truck driver who can tell what state he's in based on the age of consent. Every relationship MIKE O'GRADY has ends with her friends and family saying they told her so. If you saw MIKE O'GRADY on the subway, you would assume he was only there to masturbate. MIKE O'GRADY is what people picture in their head when you say your husband is a cop and you just need a place to hide for a couple days.

And those are all our "hunks!" Let's start the morning workout!

The routine is led by Jim Bolden, who is unofficially "hunk"y, but not a Playgirl sex worker. He coos instructions in what he seems to think is an erotic, intimate tone, but again, he is not a professional sex worker. He talks like it's his first day working at a cuddling cafe and he's not yet comfortable explaining all these customer guidelines. If you were paid to repair sex dolls, you'd say Jim had all the charisma of your worst-tipping client. He tells you to stretch the same way Mike O'Grady sleepily demands for other commuters to put their feet in his mouth.

The first section of the tape is called SENSORY AWARENESS, and it's to help you get in touch with your body. It's definitely not stretching or fitness, and it's a pretty wild swing at sexy. The men and women of PLAYGIRL Morning Fitness rub their own earlobes, foreheads, and nipples because hello fellow Human monsters: the first part of every aerobics routine should be making sure all your Earth flesh is where you left it. This isn't a warmup. It's how they taught Helen Keller to say "uncomfortable."

Soon the hunks, in individual levels of tender and vicious, start massaging their own asses. It's... I mean, I get what we're doing here, but this feels like they overstepped the suspension of disbelief we all agreed to. Once we can no longer pretend this is fitness, why aren't we just watching them kiss? Zooming in on sensual ass rubbing in a workout video is like a Hooters waitress saying, "Look, it's the end of my shift. Do you and your dad want to buy a handjob or not?"

Up next is LIMBERING, where the "hunks" rock back and forth on their heels. In ecstasy. In pure, I'm-going-to-cum-inside-you ecstasy. The camera pans up along their bodies as the slight movements fill then drain their balls again and again. This is what people masturbate to in scifi dystopias where senior citizens are executed for owning pornography. And there is no reality or genre of fiction where this is how people exercise. This is barely fidgeting.

Now that you've rubbed your erogenous zones for ten minutes and lightly activated your hamstrings, it's time for AEROBICS. It has all the intensity of a wheelchair nap, but if watching men lose dignity is your fetish, you're going to want to tug down those shapewear control briefs.

Thirty seconds into a set of jumping jacks, the "hunks" are soaked. Dripping, frothingly, almost suspiciously wet. The cameraman focuses mostly on STEVE RALLY, who is Playgirl's Man of the Year for a reason. He's a showman and he knows why we're all here. He gnashes his teeth and licks his lips at us like a sex panther. Unlike JOHN JOHNSON who couldn't care less if you get off. He is crankily getting his pump on. PHIL HARTE, on the other hand, got put in charge of the modified beginner version of the routine, and seems to be doing it sarcastically. This is supposed to be sexy and Playgirl's Man from Australia looks like he's making fun of the shittiest kid in his daughter's ballet class. To her shitty face.

Before we start STRETCHING AND TONING, you should check your heart rate. Jim helps you do this in one of the longest stretches of dead air ever kept in a video. For thirty seconds Jim awkwardly, silently holds his neck. It's weird. The video already assumes we have no concept of exercise and no pornography, and now it seems to think we don't own a watch. And here's a free tip for future Playgirl fitness editors: if you think your audience might die from a bit of stretching after one song's worth of dancing, cut away from the idiot staring at his watch and get back to the bouncing dick baskets. Let the last thing they see be STEVE RALLY's flopping half boner before a neighbor discovers them weeks later and says, "Ew, this is embarrassing."

JOHN JOHNSON demonstrates the video's 819th hamstring stretch, but at this point it's as limber as it's going to get. This was only left in to show you what it would look like to get fucked by Nick Nolte in a drainage pipe.

If you're doing the PLAYGIRL Morning Workout with a partner, now is the time to pull their head into your pubic musk and let them breathe deeply. On a personal note, I want to say how happy I am that when the producers of this aerobics video were tasked with making it sexy for the ladies, one of their ideas was, "What if that girl rested her chin on Steve's balls?"

You've had a very light workout, stretched your hamstrings, and you've been brought to climax at least ten times. It's time for RELAXATION. It's like fitness sleeping, only a cameraman is there to zoom in on your dick.

For a more advanced RELAXATION, fuck the air a little bit during your nap. The makers of PLAYGIRL Morning Workout know what you girls want-- for men to shut up and go to sleep, but to still have their penises very much pumping. There's really nowhere left to go after unconscious groin closeups, so Jim closes out the workout by saying, "This is probably the best thing you've done for yourself today. Thank you. Do it again." It's worth noting we are 53 minutes into a four minute workout and the box says "RUNNING TIME: 70 MINUTES." Ha. Just like a man to exaggerate his length and then fall asleep before it's over. Am I right, ladies? Oh, while I have you here, I recently found out you like moist laps and angry jumping jacks. That can't be true, right?

Speaking of moist laps, there is a post-workout scene where STEVE RALLY, drenched in fluids, gets picked up from the gym in a limousine. Without saying a word, he takes his second morning nap on a woman in the back who can't wait to rub the face of her sweet, wet baby. As a couple, they don't seem like a great match. In fact, no one would take it as an insult if you met them and said, "Nice to meet you, Steve! Ahh, and you must be his boyfriend's mother?"

Okay, great job reading, everyone! Be sure to cool down from the article with eleven hours of lying on your back, motionless except for your pulsing groin. This is probably the best thing you've done for yourself today. Thank you. Do it again.