Fucking Day: The Several Opportunities For Sex Of Black Scorpion đ (Patreon)
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When the internet was still in its early days, we had not perfected the fine art of masturbating to nerd shit. The will was always there, but the technology simply hadnât caught up yet. While you waited twenty minutes for a low resolution screenshot of topless Teri Hatcher to download, you might just lose patience and settle for cranking one out to the spandex asses of shows like Black Scorpion.
Black Scorpion aired on the Sci-fi Channel, and IMDB describes it as⊠âA female "BATMAN" with a strong story, intriguing characters, good action pacing... and several opportunities for sex.â
Several opportunities!
It doesnât promise sex, but there are definitely moments sex could have been had if characters were so inclined!
Look, Iâve got another three hours before this zip file of Gillian Anderson BEST Sexy Shots (36) finishes downloading, so let us study...
We are zero seconds in and already I can see Iâve fucked up. You might not know who Roger Corman is, and thatâs difficult to explain. He makes sexy movies, but so badly that youâre always too distracted by his inept framing choices to get off to them. By the time you notice tits are out and get ready, Roger Corman has already moved on to shooting mismatched coverage of a cardboard robot and a man with too much mustache. Roger Corman movies are how Christians imagined pornography in the 1960s. Roger Corman is like a talentless Stephen Sommers if Stephen Sommers liked tits about 87% more than he already does. And Stephen Sommers likes tits! Roger Corman is like if Michael Bay got exactly the amount of respect his talent warranted. Plus this is Roger Corman PRESENTS. This show just has his endorsement. Itâs like Carlâs Jr. recommending a specific racoon to eat. Youâre getting the garbage that garbage likes.
Black Scorpion isn't based on a comic -- itâs not actually based on anything but wild misunderstandings. Hereâs Black Scorpionâs origin story as told by the pre-credit roll:
This is why you always explain the moral to children after the story. Kids are stupid and impressionable and if you donât carefully deconstruct the metaphor youâll wind up with a daughter dressed like a Scorpion, firing Scorpion themed machine guns from her modified Corvette Stingray, which she calls the Scorpion-mobile.
Damn it, you see what I mean? We came here to ogle â90s asses like itâs Tae Bo day at Bally Total Fitness, but Roger Cormanâs influence sucks so much that I havenât even mentioned the protagonist of this show makes her very first appearance dressed as a hooker.
I guess thatâs pretty sexy. I mean, hookers do not typically wear two belts as a shirt -- thatâs more of a professional wrestler thing -- but weâre not here to nitpick. I will point out that itâs not typically the goal of a sex worker to keep her boobs as tightly bound and far apart as possible, but I have to give Black Scorpion points: This is technically an opportunity for sex. Itâs not a good one, and nobody takes it, but fucking was briefly on the table here.
Black Scorpionâs real name is Darcy Walker, and sheâs supposed to be a serious police officer, but even on duty she only wears the kind of tamely sexy pencil dresses that shoot for femme fatale but wind up more âdate night at a steakhouse.â Although look, there is something to the careful deliberateness of her transformation sequence that speaks of sex work. Itâs like watching a dominatrix clock in for her shift. Her professional disinterest in doing it is definitely doing it for me:
Hold up, letâs pause to explain her powers: There are none. Letâs resume.
That transformation sequence is so clearly magical itâs actually strange that sheâs not spinning and yelling broken english while she does it, but no -- the show insists Black Scorpion just has cool technology like Batman. But while Batman uses his tech companies and billions of dollars to create his gadgets, Darcy Walker uses Argyle:
Argyle would be the best if he didnât suck so hard. He owns a run-down mechanic shop, has no money or educational background, and is very casual about inventing Black Scorpionâs technology which ârearranges atomsâ to do âwhatever the fuck.â
Hereâs the exposition for that Black Scorpion transformation sequence above:
Argyle: âHey if I can rearrange the atoms in your car, why not your clothes?â
Darcy: âHow much do I owe you?â
She actually gets out her checkbook to write a personal check for magic.
And his very next line after establishing heâs the single greatest scientist in human history?
Argyle: âHey, no charge, if it wasnât for you busting me Iâd still be in jail with the rest of my gang.â
His gang.
Of 47-year-old eccentric scientists?
Of middle-aged fabric lovers who can twist spacetime to their whims?
What the fucking fuck is that, show? I know this was the â90s and there were two roles for black male actors -- âGang Memberâ or âMagic Negroâ -- but somehow itâs worse that you chose âboth.â
Black Scorpion has the worst superhero origin story ever written, and Black Condor was raised by birds. No curse from a scorpion god, no sting from a radioactive scorpion, no getting struck by lightning while drinking Scorpion brand malt liquor -- sheâs just a cop that busted a really smart black guy who could rearrange reality and then forced him to make her a space-warping thong.
Aw man, it happened again. I forgot we were here to smack it like itâs 2001 -- which is to say we spend a long time looking for wank material and then give up and settle for an episode of Charmed. Letâs get back to business with another of Darcy Walkerâs sexy outfits:
Every time we see Darcy in her off-time, sheâs dressed in workout gear. But her workout gear consists of baggy trunks and a generous tanktop, complete with sweat towel. And sheâs doing a move I know all too well: The âthis bar stool is an awkward height for leaning, I wish I would have pulled it out from under the counter before cramming myself in this weird gap and just kind of hovering around the conversation looking for safe landing spots for my feet and hands.â
I would laud the show for its realism here -- that is exactly how a human would dress for exercise and then behave if you unexpectedly barged in their house while they were exercising -- but the way the camera lingers and frames her body in these shots itâs clear weâre supposed to be ogling this. Ogling what, Roger Corman-endorsed director Gwyneth Gibby, whose most notable other works include âBlack Scorpion Returnsâ and âSting of the Black Scorpionâ? That uncomfortably bent knee? That weird wrist position? She doesnât look like she wants to fuck; she looks like she regrets inviting the Cutco salesman in.
Dammit! Somebody set this masturbation to Nightmare Difficulty and here I am trying to solo it flawless. Iâm in over my head. Letâs stop looking for Black Scorpionâs âseveral opportunities for sexâ and throw it all the way back to oldschool Xena rules: Pause the tape during fight scenes hoping for an ass shot that doesnât look like abstract pottery.
Nope.
That ainât it.
Those lines are a stunning example of the Chilean late Art Nouveau movement, but itâs barely a butt.
Pausing is the wrong move. Letâs look at a fight in action:
Itâs clear this is in the neighborhood of sexy. It once let sexy house-sit and now it canât get the smell out of the drapes. Like I recognize the attempt here: lots of needless shots of buns-up climbing, a weird double-clothesline only there to highlight cleavage, followed by an ass somersaulting away, but itâs all too clumsy and disorienting. This isnât Black Widow leg-grappling Scarlet Witch so that for a second it looks like theyâre scissoring -- this is like trying to ogle an introductory ballet class: Itâs mostly just people discovering they canât move like that and then falling over.
I give up on Black Scorpion. Maybe she isnât even supposed to be the sexy focal point. Itâs always the villains, right? Whoâs our Harley Quinn?
Great.
Thatâs Firearm. He looks like a cybergoth making fun of football. He looks like a drunk mother forgot about the costume contest so a sad child had to tape a Predator costume together out of hockey gear and lingerie. He stands like heâs been pushed into the frame after saying âno way in shit am I âjust hitting my mark,â Sharon; you promised I could sign off on the costume first.â
Although, Iâve got to say, he moves well.
Iâm not going to pretend this is my first time masturbating to a haphazard Borg cosplayer learning to breakdance. But god damn it, I was hoping Iâd already had my last.
Here, you all need to go now. Iâll let General Stryker see you out.