Nerding Day: A Commercial Monologue (Patreon)

"Alllllllllllright, pumped some iron, did my pilates, had half a cannoli then made myself throw it up (but that doesn’t mean I’m crazy, it’s just what the business demands of you). Time for my afternoon work sesh? Yeah, I’m thinking I’m back. That’s cute. I amuse myself.

Let’s see, the first offer in looks like an ad. Hey, it’s no My Own Private Idaho, or even a Feeling Minnesota, but ads can be nice for some quick cash between larger projects. I just hope it isn’t Much Ado About Nothing! Honestly, I’d prefer A Walk In The Clouds. Another thing I like about myself is how I know my own filmography so well, because I lived it. Except that computer movie with the Elrond guy, I guess; still don’t know what the fuck that was all about. “Call me Morpheus.” Okay, Larry, sure thing bud.

Come on Keanu Reeve, cut the shit. Reeves? Reeve? Whatever, back on the bus. Script. Blue sky, chyron up - “Somewhere across the business landscape…” Okay, okay, I’m picturing it. Wait, “somewhere across” sounds weird to me now. How can you be “across” the landscape if you’re “somewhere?” The former implies existing across a vast area, the latter to existing at a specific point in space. Strike one, ad that I don’t know what it’s for yet!

Then what? Okay, so I’d be falling like Gandalf fighting the Balrog, that’s a pretty epic shot. The script doesn’t mention any harnesses, wires or stuntmen though, so if that’s a note they’re not willing to budge on then I’ll have to take the fact of my almost certain death into account when I negotiate my rate. Scale plus five hundo baby, the K-Dot special! Note to self: remember never to call myself “K-Dot” outside the confines of my own mind.

Wait, we’re going from a Balrog shot right to a Hans Gruber shot? That’s kind of amazing. Why has no one done that before? Has someone done that before? I better watch all movies again just to be sure. Tonight. This thing’s heatin’ up.

Huh? Did I miss a page here? I’m falling, and then suddenly we just hard cut and I’m getting my ass handed to me? Nope, don’t like that. I mean, I understand the need to show character growth, but if I don’t get to punch that character back even harder by the end, I’m going to be really miffed. Why would you even hire Keanu Reeves if you don’t want a high-status character? I’m a Bill, not a Ted! Or was Alex Bill? Whatever. We all know who won that battle. Of course, he gets to say “Winter is coming!” whenever he orgasms, and that’s something I’ll never have. Ah well. It’s normal to feel envy, man, even for friends. It’s human.

Ah, now it’s all making sense. Now it’s all clicking. Here’s this airborne cube of what look like tech offices, spewing purple pollution to stay afloat. It’s a conformity/consumerism thing, so naturally they’d come to me, Keanu Charles Reeves, star of that computer movie. That definitely had conformity themes, right? I at least know that, because that’s what they said as they shoved my head under all that suffocating pod-goo. Plus, breaking gender norms, I think? I’m pretty sure.

God, that movie was so weird. I had no mouth at one part! A guy was named “The Merovingian.” Wild. The weirdest part of all is how every so often we have to shoot more of it. It’s like, “reshoots, still? The movie’s been out for decades!”

Oh shit!

Ohhhhh, okay, so I do survive the fall. That’s a cool choice, I like that. The way it’s scripted, it definitely feels like a fatal fall, but you have to trust the script and your fellow artists and collaborators. Maybe my guy is a robot or a Wolverine or something - or maybe like a Maiar, descending to Arda to help the Valar shape Middle Earth.

“Army of drones fills the sky as Reeves reaches for a golden card in his jacket pocket.” Hm. So I’m guessing it’s an ad for credit cards, or maybe drones? I’m not sure I should advertise drones. Drones give “Obama murdering Yemenis at a wedding,” and my brand is more “if this bus doesn’t keep going above fifty it’ll blow up.” I wonder what Sandra’s doing right now. She’s always so nice; it’s a shame the studio had to replace her with that lookalike.

Yep, credit card ad. That’s great. They always have such good crafty on-set. I’ll probably have a cubano. Half a cubano. No, full cubano, but I make myself throw it up after. Done. You got yourself a deal, Special K. Note to self: that one’s okay to say out loud.

Fuck, so they do want a line. Shit. I’ll have to pay a dialog coach, memorize…that’s going to raise the rate too. I bet I’d really impress them if I come in off-book, though. What was it, “Rad?” Oh, no, “Awesome.” Cool, I can remember that. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I’ll put it on a sticky-note above the kitchen mirror. That way, when I look at what a fat ugly pig I am, I’ll see the note and it’ll reinforce the line.

A.I.?! A. fucking I.?! I hate that shit! All hands with fifty fingers and extending the frame around the Mona Lisa and shit! Ew, nah man, I think this is gonna be a pass. Unless…no, it says it would air in the United States. Fuck. You know, you can do asbestos ads in Nigeria and publicly promote a pretty fascist candidate in Argentina and no one cares, but you do one A.I. ad in the States and everyone cancels you. And, as always, I must jealously guard my reputation as a Hollywood nice guy, even though secretly I’m a huge prick. It’s like how Martin Shkreli is actually pretty chill if you get to know him.

Ah well, I guess I’ll at least read to the end before ripping it up and wiping my ass with it. So I grab a robot eye from some kinda void, yeah? Then what, you artist-killing, creativity-stifling army of zombie robots and greedy capitalist pig-dogs?

Whoa, goggles and a bo staff. Maybe I’m being a little hasty, like a bus trying not to blow up. Goggles would render my eyes relatively impervious, and my legendary skill with the staff has never truly been given a chance to shine on-screen. I guess there was that scene in the computer movie where Neo fights with a metal pole, but it’s not really a bo staff unless it comes from the Bo region of Japan.

I’m not as psyched about the arm patch; it’s kinda giving me “swastika in italics” vibes. Although it’s cool how they described the patch in such exacting detail in the script that I can envision it that clearly. Words, man. Powerful stuff. Imagination. Lennon.

Okay, so I run and jump out the window. That’s fine, I guess. Some Long Kiss Goodnight action. They really didn’t have to write in that my ass looks “weirdly dumpy” in the shot, though. Feels like a personal attack.

Another Balrog shot to a superhero landing, nice. And honestly, I’m liking the whole desert planet thing. Kind of Dune-ish. Boy, I’d love to work with Villenueve. Maybe he’d be good for the next Bill & Ted. Still, I really don’t think associating myself with A.I. is going to be a good look. Let’s wrap this up so I can get to reading the treatment for a potential Knock Knock sequel tentatively titled Who’s There.

Great, big sweeping Battle of Minas Tirith shot, I kill all the drones, the end. Hard. Pass. Honestly, I should call these dudes and let them listen to me tear the script up over the phone. I’d have to be a total sellout to betray my whole cohort by promoting the latest corporate tool designed to put artists out of work. A day may come when the integrity of Keanu fails - but it is not this day.

Then again, I’ll do it!

I miss you, Jennifer."

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