Learning Day: The GIFTionary (Patreon)

Is it possible to have too much money? Yes, and today, submitted for the approval of the Hotdog Society, I have a book written by a woman who clearly does. Robyn Freedman Spizman has taken many names during her long career: "gifting expert," "super shopper," "Caviar Monthly's Dolphin Skinner Of The Year," etc. You might expect a book called The GIFTionary to be about affordable gifts for gift-givers on a budget, but no, it's for people who can afford to buy anything but are not creative enough or do not care enough to think of a gift. It's a gift guide for the richest and dullest amongst us.

How many occasions can you think of that require a gift? For me, it's around 3: Christmas, Birthday, Wedding. Those are the three categories of gifts I've received in my life. This book includes 26 gift-giving occasions. That is my nightmare. I could not live in a world of that much social obligation. We are all too forgetful and far too poor for The GIFTionary. The book is organized by occasion, and the occasions include "office gifts," "get well gifts," and "thank you gifts." This woman wants you to give a gift to say thanks for a gift, creating a never-ending gift ouroboros, and these aren't cheap gifts. She literally suggests you give someone a fountain.

It's just a small fountain, you guys. Just a little one to distract them while they die in hospice. Not a gauche outside fountain; a simple bedroom fountain, obviously. Other popular gift suggestions include gold and a limo ride. I didn't need a book to tell me those would be popular gifts. Hey guys, do you think a sack of money with a big cartoon dollar sign on it would be a good gift? I can't decide between that and sixteen to twenty-four ostriches. It depends on how many survive the private jet ride. Please help me, GIFTionary!

You've filled one simple limousine with goody bags and food, so now let's talk about the expensive gifts. How about naming a building, or, if you're cheap, a floor or wing of a building after someone? It's pretty funny that you can pay a bunch of money to name a building whatever you want—well, almost whatever you want. I've tried this before, but St. Jude's was a real bummer about the Dr. Dunkasaurus Balls Gymnasium for Ugly Children. Excuse me for thinking everyone should have the opportunity to dunk.

Another repeated theme of The GIFTionary is fruits and fruits-based puns. This book might single-handedly have kept the fruit basket business going. If we learned that Robyn Freedman Spizman was the heiress to the Harry and David fruit basket fortune it would make perfect sense. It would also make sense to learn that she is The Riddler, or simply a wedding planner's corpse filled with beetles.

An assortment of fruit with the message "Assorted wishes for your quick recovery" would never click as a pun for me. No human would go, "ah, yes, because it's an assortment of fruit. How droll." That gift is just a pile of citrus with a weird note. It's a one piece jigsaw puzzle no one knew they were supposed to solve. Eat assorted shit, Robyn. Speaking of, a lot of these gifts could be read as active insults, especially the gifts in the apology section.

The role of pennies is a punishment. It's not 1923, we can't buy a hundred candies with that fortune. What the hell is anyone going to do with a roll of pennies? Clutch it in their fist and punch you in the face? I think the apology section should be renamed Bitchy Little Gifts For People Who Deserve Them. Recontextualized like this it becomes the best section in the book.

I don't think apology gifts should be genericised. If someone gave me a stuffed dog and a note that said, "Dog gone-it. I barked up the wrong tree. Forgive me!" it would have to be a very small transgression. I'm not making up my own zany apology gifts, by the way. That's a real one. Robyn wrote that.

A stuffed animal is such a boring suggestion and, frankly, not nearly as topical as most of the themed gifts. I guess it's pretty hard to come up with unique gifts that aren't also absurdly fancy. You can tell there are a few things in the book included specifically to appease the poors. For instance, if you can't afford to give someone jewelry, why not simply give them a fireproof safe to keep all of their jewelry in? Can you imagine the looks on your rich friends' faces when you bring the biggest and by far heaviest gift to the party? You could accidentally crush their apology Maltese with your incredible gift. Of course, then you would have to buy an apology gift. Let me see if there's a chapter on apology gifts for crushing a gift with a gift.

There are a few chapters in this book that I think might be genuinely helpful. For instance, the chapter on buying gifts for men. Every men's gift guide exudes the panic of a woman who has never had a conversation with her husband in her entire life and does not plan to start now. It's nothing other than an assortment of increasingly larger meats. And the man gift ideas that aren't meat are very literally nothing. Or "anything" depending on how you look at it.

To be fair, the book goes on to suggest some anythings you could buy a dozen of like socks, pencils, endangered African Condors that can be unleashed on your enemies, etc. But if you are feuding with your local condor husbandry, here's a normal gift suggestion: throw a gala for your friend. Go full Bridgerton on their ass.

Simply rent a venue, edit a film, hire caterers, book a band, order custom flatware, and set up a film projector? It's not a bad idea. I would have never considered purchasing a moonlight cruise for a friend before purchasing The GIFTionary! Sadly, the most I can afford is floating them down river on a makeshift raft like Huck Finn and whatever the other gentleman's name was. Great suggestions though! There is one chapter in the book that might be relevant in 2024. It's called "Last Minute Gifts," and it's mostly about collecting garbage from around your home and assembling it into a gift-like shape.

Reading the "Last Minute Gifts" chapter gives me the impression that Robyn's home is stuffed with potential last minute gifts– crates of mugs and cards, a menagerie of rare animals, a jazz band kept in chains. I feel like this woman lives in terror of missing a potential gifting opportunity. She's trapped in a gift prison of her own disposable income. Her freezer is stuffed to the brim with cheesecakes in case her cousin or hairdresser suddenly has a birthday, and again, I'm not kidding:

This book was published in 2003, and I can't help but imagine the 2008 recession maliciously barreling up on it. Not a whole lot of galas being thrown as gifts in 2008. It's all fruit baskets and plant clippings from 2008 on. Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll end up with that roll of apology pennies. Robyn Freedman Spizman rebranded herself as a "consumer advocate" at some point because someone needs to bravely advocate on behalf of consumption! Kids these days are barely consuming at all. It's like they hate the economy, or something. They're barely gifting any fountains! The decorative fountain industry is dying, and it needs a champion! The GIFTionary rides at dawn!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Rhia, who also keeps spare cheesecakes in the freezer, but only for revenge purposes.

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