Learning Day: Italian Without Words (Patreon)

I've done it. I've finally located America's second-most popular guide to Italian Hand Gestures. It's 1983's ITALIAN WITHOUT WORDS By Jay Leone.

"Wait a minute. I thought that Don Cangelosi and Joseph Delli Carpini wrote the popular 1989 guide to Italian hand gestures, Italian Without Words," you're definitely thinking.

Oh, sure that glossy corporate bullshit with its high quality photos and lack of dark revelations about the author's psyche is more well known, but I wouldn't use it to flatten a meatball (their national gesture of displeasure). No, we are reading the original. ITALIAN WITHOUT WORDS, not ItAliAN WiThOuT WoRds.

The first thing to remember when reading about Italian hand gestures is that all Italians are exactly the same. This book was written in 1983, and making broad generalizations about ethnic groups was good and comforting. Italy is a bunch of guys with mustaches wearing red overalls, and every single one is a plumber, got it? The sad truth is that American society is far too civilized to gesture with our hands, so we have to learn how to do it from these barrel-jumping, kart-racing barbarians.

Italians are so good at gesturing that their traffic cops have ascended to a new level of traffic consciousness. The Italian traffic cop barely has to twirl his wrist, and you will know in your heart that he wants you to wait four seconds, turn left, and then go buy yourself a nice cannoli. During rush hour, they take the form of Hindu gods. That's how good these uncivilized people are at gesturing!

If you think this book is a little bit rude to Italians, please keep in mind it is dedicated to the Pasta Lovers of the world. As you know -as this book is counting on you knowing- every single Italian, without fail, loves pasta. Therefore, it was published in the memory of them and their state fruit. The book is very clear on this: it's basically the only thing they eat! However, I should note that some of the illustrations in this book are definitely a little bit rude to Italians.

I don't know exactly what it is, but something about these fun little line drawings with giant cartoon noses feels like an off-putting way to describe a whole culture. Also, writing a book about hand gestures and choosing an artist to illustrate those gestures who isn't a hundred percent sure if fingers are round, pointy, or square was a hell of a bold choice. Who agreed to illustrate this shit anyway? Oh, same guy? That makes sense. Anyway, here's another great wordless Italian expression:

Sometimes, I can't tell if ITALIAN WITHOUT WORDS is teaching me a hand gesture or warning me that Italian waiters are also sometimes harp spiders in disguise. Attenzione! Your waiter may skitter across the restaurant on his six arms and no legs! Have no fear; this is very Italian!

It's also a bold choice to write a book about Italian hand gestures when you're not a hundred percent sure what normal American hand gestures are. I've never heard of a roll of the fingers being an almost universal symbol for stealing. And if it really was, why bother including it? Speaking of, I also don't need things like the raised middle finger explained to me. That is the definition of a universal gesture that I have mastered. And yet it is given one of the most detailed illustrations in the whole book. They even bothered to paint a background to tell you that raising your middle finger is rude in Italy.

This book also tells you that Italians love it when you rub your tummy after a big meal. In fact, they might like a little tummy rub as much as they like their tip! I bet this means the author doesn't tip very well! Combining this with the clumsy provincialism, and you might start to suspect that the author of this book is terrible. Maybe he goes to Italy and is terrible, and some of his gestures should be interpreted through the filter of a man who has learned from Italians who hate him.

The way the writer of this book treats people is a bit suspect to me because there is a chapter where he proudly explains that if someone cuts you in line, you should slam the counter in front of them to establish dominance and secure your place. The diagram includes a man with vampire fangs and an appropriately frightened woman! Or maybe a baby parasaurolophus? The point is, the writer has clearly done his research for this one.

They should have called this book How To Be A Dick To Italians. It's a guide to universal gestures for pissing off everyone around you. In fact, there are so many aggressive hand gestures you need if you decide to venture to the violent land of Opera and Chef Boyardee that there's a whole chapter called…

This is the chapter where we learn the metal devil horns are one of the worst insults you can possibly give someone in Italy, which is genuinely helpful information. I would hate to be in Italy and accidentally insult some poor man with my enthusiastic rocking.

The very specific hand gestures are interesting, but occasionally, I don't believe them. For instance, the description and illustration in this book seem to claim that you can hypnotize an Italian into giving you a better deal by tapping on your forehead until they say a number you like. This is big if true. A single American could devastate the Italian economy with a simple gesture. Oh my god, is this what happened to all the Pizza Huts?

Now, we should talk about how to sexually harass a woman in Italian, with your hands and face. Keep in mind, ladies, as we all know, there is both positive and negative Italian sexual harassment. If a man stops in his tracks to express his admiration with a gesture, that's totally cool, provided it's the right gesture, as we all know, here in the safety of 1983.

Obviously, Jay Leone has a good sense of how to treat women, which is why it's crazy that this book says in most Latin countries, you might see women summon you with "a gesture that better suggests pushing away". It's almost like they're saying to their boyfriend, "Keep your weird American friend away from me. I don't like him. Oh no, he's coming over here. Tell him I have diarrhea, so he'll leave me alone."

I can't really get mad at the author of this book because of one deeply sad entry that reveals two important things he never mentioned before. One is that his father has some sort of Italian ancestry. Two is that his mom hated his dad.

He drops this from nowhere and never picks it up again; it is just a casual expression that his mom would yell at his dad for "not amounting to anything." Then we're supposed to move on to more silly Italian gestures, but how can I do that now? I need to hear more from this casually haunted man. You can't dump the villain of this book's tragic backstory and then move on so quickly!

We do get one more personal story from the author about how he cried to get his car repaired on time.

Have you ever tried openly weeping? Gets the job done every time in Italy! I guess that covers everything we could possibly learn about Italian gestur– oh wait, here is one more new and exciting way to harass Italian women! As a treat!

I've read full autobiographies where I learned less about the author than I understand about Jay Leone. He's shown us his anger, his tears, his exhaustive rolodex of catcalls, his trauma, and how to hypnotize Italians so you can steal from them! What more could you possibly want in a book? Fuck Italian Without Words. ITALIAN WITHOUT WORDS is clearly the far superior work!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Dusty's Rad Title, or as they say in Italian, huge two-handed hog wrangling motion.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.