Fucking Day: Making Her Cum? Shouldn't Be That Hard. (Patreon)

Making her cum? Shouldn't Be That Hard by Bigfoot Lincoln is a book that has somehow managed to exist for two whole years without being featured on 1900hotdog.com. I'm so sorry, this was clearly an oversight on my part. My sincerest apologies to Mr. Lincoln. And all Bigfoots.

When you Google Bigfoot Lincoln, one of the front page results is Mountain Monsters, Season Two, episode 4, "Bigfoot Of Lincoln County." Could esteemed author Bigfoot Lincoln be a Mountain Monster fan? Or maybe the nom de plume of a cast member (Huckleberry)? It's hard to say why someone would pick such a colorful author name that makes them almost completely unsearchable. Does Bigfoot Lincoln not want to be famous?

He's clearly an expert in a wide variety of topics. He published two books two days apart in 2022. One about how it should be easy to make her cum, and one about the cultural implications of COVID-19. It's a shame this book didn't take off because I would love to see Dr. Bigfoot Lincoln, noted expert on cum and covid, on Fox News.

The sentence structures in this book are so strange. It feels like whoever wrote it spoke English mechanically but not conversationally. I thought maybe it was AI-written garbage, but both books came out a little before ChatGPT was a thing. Also, the fact that only two books were ever produced before the Bigfoot Lincoln pen name was abandoned makes me feel like someone was offended that no one enjoyed their thoughts, sex, or infectious disease! Bigfoot Lincoln cast a wide net and caught absolutely nothing.

That's probably because if you follow the sex advice in this book, making her cum would be that hard. The title of this book sounds a little bit too much like an overconfident man looking at a burning car and going, "I can fix that; how hard could it be?" Why is the question mark in the title? Making her cum? Is not a question. It sounds like the book is going to be a man complaining about his lack of sexual ability and blaming all women for it, but instead it's advice about how to make her cum from someone who immediately reveals himself to have shaky knowledge at best of where the clitoris is.

Ok, a lot to unpack there. I'm so glad there wasn't a follow-up book on animal sexual activity. The panda population doesn't need to be further decimated by Bigfoot Lincoln's sex advice. Second, I've never heard of the term "clitory vibrators" before. It's usually clit, or clitoris, or Humchomper for Her, or The QuiverDuck™; I don't know why we're putting a fun little lilt on it to make it sound like a quaint Irish village. Third, you typically wouldn't penetrate someone with a clit vibrator. If you're looking for the clit inside the vagina you've passed Go, buddy.

I don't even know how to describe how deeply from another universe this whole book is. At one point, Bigfoot Lincoln quotes someone or something called Pinzone out of nowhere in the middle of a paragraph. He writes it as if he's saying, "According to the New York Times," as if Pinzone is a well-established source of medical information. When I Googled it, the top result was Tony Pinzone, the owner of Pinzone's market fresh meat. Which may be where Bigfeet learn to fuck? Anyway here's what he said:

Pinzone is never mentioned again for the rest of the book. Did he plagiarize a paragraph that quoted an expert, or should I just assume he had coffee with Tony Pinzone one day, and as a meat man, he knows a lot about heart disease and pussy? According to Pinzone, "you need too much meat in your diet or you fart through most underpants."

Also, I'm sorry to give further notes to Bigfoot Lincoln, but I don't think anyone needs to open their sex book by explaining to the audience why they should have sex. If your customer is horny enough to purchase a book that may or may not be about making her cum based on the confused title, they're on board with the notion of sexual intercourse in general.

After explaining what sex is, why it's good, and kind of making it clear this book will be about sex between people and not animals, we delve into the section of the book about foreplay. WARNING: it contains the phrase vaginal grease.

I think the tone the author is shooting for here is clinical, like we're discussing sex in a high school health class and trying to make damn sure no one giggles, but what they're achieving is more automotive than biological. If you can wade through the Boris and Natasha accent the author writes with, it isn't the worst advice. Everyone should keep an eye out for enlarging vulvas and their expanding grease. But there's a lot of distracting vintage erotica phrases like "bosoms" and "suggestive districts."

Bigfoot Lincoln is dropping little clues and hints on how to make a woman cum like he's The Riddler. I'm sorry that comment was unfair to The Riddler. He wouldn't ever pull out the word "tomfoolery" in his sexual riddle and expect to pull a hottie.

After some very basic advice on how to not maul a woman like Pepé Le Pew, we get into the meat of this great American sex book, which is all about the best sex positions for increasing vaginal grease. These are insane, never before heard of innovations in sex. Things you can't even imagine doing with your body. I mean, really wild stuff like:

Can we even print that? Is the FCC going to kick down the door of the internet and shut us down? Try not to faint, ladies of delicate constitution; it's the third sex position you ever learned about! The book also includes instructions on contorting your body into wondrous shapes. Here's the description for one crazy position. See if you can guess what it’s called!

That's all of the instructions.

Step 1: lie down

Step 2: insert penis

Step 3: miracle

It's "Missionary." Bigfoot Lincoln is describing the missionary position. Could it get any spicier? Well, there is a section about convincing a woman to do anal by putting a couple of fingers in her butt.

The phrase butt-centric sex is almost too embarrassing for my Catholic upbringing to allow me to comment on. It's making me picture two confused nude people slapping their hams together and expecting something to happen? Like the sex is all butt and no genital? I also find the use of the word "charming" upsetting. You shouldn't be charmed during butt stuff. Charmed is for tea with the queen, not for a finger in your asshole. No one is going to say "Did you just slip a finger in my butt? Aw, how charming! I am charmed, how delightful."

The title of the last section of the book is probably the most helpful for what I expect the outcome will be for anyone who attempts to slap hams to completion. It's honestly not bad advice. Don't stress out too much if making her cum(?) does turn out to be that hard. However, once again, it's delivered in the most upsetting way possible.

Sex Ft. Climaxes is the hip hop-techno band collaboration I never knew I needed. The phrase cracking is both old-timey and British, so I'm now picturing Nigel Thornberry as my final candidate for Bigfoot Lincoln. This book is definitely either written from the perspective of a cartoon character, or it's Russian propaganda to make sex worse for Americans. Figuring out who Bigfoot Lincoln is? shouldn’t be that hard.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Lane Haygood, the Tony Pinzone of the Colonial Assisted Living Facility - Tampa's third sexiest ALF!

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