Fucking Day: The Serial (Patreon)

Hi Folks I will tell you public libaries are a treasure especially when they raise money by selling me their old books for very cheap. It pretty much raises us all up so i encourage the civicly-minded amongst the hot-dog population to go to your town-halls and meet-the-candidates and such and just ask em: “Well what about the library?” because if we dont there is a good chance that we may lose important parts of our hairitage like:

This one was in the collectors corner i think you can see why they woudnt put it out in general population, my hot dog senses was tinglin right away at the site of that spiral bound cover. I invite you to allow your eyes to wander over it with a warm curiosity and note: the stylish slacks and the avacado appliances and tastefully wet tshirts and teasin’ sensualities and hey that looks like maybe thats Magnum! I was already exsited to just read the words inside so ‘magine my delight when, ‘pon openin ‘er up, mine eyes beheld even more tintillatin images. Here, i have used the power of animated to gif to try and replicate my eyes experience for you:

So: Yup, this was the real deal: a weird sex book from the 80s when they was still the 70s which, they say sometimes you seek out your specialities and sometimes your specialities find you and I couldnt tell you what one is what in my sitiation.

So I made my purchase and my way home and a sandwich and settled up in my factory outlet barca lounger to begin my perusals. I started with the first story that caught my eye:

Pretty good, pretty good, here we have two hip folks i guess getting pretty sexy-married or maybe its just their nipples getting conjoined in holy matrimony, lets read the tale!

Huh okay, i guess im still getting acclaimated, my eyes are pickin up some various words and phrases here that are suggestin partial and impartial nudity and special clothes that i dont know what they are but seems exotic and revealin and maybe intercourse encounters but also not quite. I remembered my vast knowledge of quality erotic fiction writers and also Anne Rice and how they like to pepper their intros and setups with a lot of detail of there own personal and weird turn-ons and sometimes you just have to push through that to get to the actual dirty parts so lets keep going.

Ok thats more like it; the sex-story signals are pilin up now like sweatpants on my side of the bed, i believe are ambiguities are absolved lets continue and see just who will be our primary intercoursers in the scene to come:

Okay it looks like Kate and Harvey are startin to feel some things, maybe they will be the ones who we end up learning about their intamacies. I didn’t know what Roots were so i looked it up to see if they are sexy

An i guess i’d have to say yeah maybe if you stick with the kinda harlequin Tim Riggins brother there, they are.

Back to Mount Tim:

Ah OK! Now it is as clear as a ocean with no fog on it: Harvey is a naughty boy and we are about to learn what it is that “something” that Kate has in her store for him. I suspect a paddlin or other punition, lets just turn the page and…

Ok well that isnt what i was expecting theres no follow-up here of after the wedding Kate pushin Harvey to sit in a chair and tellin him your a real bad boy harvey and you know what happens to bad boys dont you. Confusin. Let me confirm what we’re reading here by takin a look at some more illastrations

Those are still…mostly sexy. I guess. I will say its a little unsettlin how there’s at least one person in every picture that is just makin direct steady eye contact with me the viewer. I admit it: I usually look away first.

Well, even though we didnt have the flame of are erotic camp-fire blaze to life here I think I see some more words and phrases that at least look like maybe some embers or hot coals of horny, lets persist:

Huh sometimes its hard bein a pornography historyist because they use slang words that dont have the same sexual connotation and conditionin as are modern terms.

That’s more like it! Ok ok now i get it, we had to go to the wedding and such to learn more about Kate’s relationship with Harvey so her upcomin’ scene with the chest hair man will be that much more delicious because of its forbiddin nature. And those are some nice little sprinkles of sexual interest in this passage that help us understand how Kate is viewing her world through probably great big 80s gradient sunglass lenses of arousal. Those kind where the arm attaches at the bottom, you know those? If your like me at first they werent sexy because of how thats what your mom wore but now over time are horizons have broadened and matured. Anyway, I’m ready and willin, to turn this page for some actual rated X parts.

Oh yeah here we go

Huh. You can maybe tell from that first line there but theres no sex in this part either. (also I appreciate the timely reference but I think I speak for all of us that we remember Peckinpah best from his small but pivitol and almost sober star turn in that movie with Alien Jesus). Kate and Leonard just get lunch and hes a weirdo and its not sexy at all. Im still confused but also now theres a little bit of frustration coming up here in my chest and neck and throat. Deep Breaths, sissyneck, in and around the frustration, center yourself. Okay, let’s give a benefit of the doubt here, maybe back in these olden times california erotica was like the European variety in nature and they spent a lot more time in build up and different stuff is perverted than our patriotic eyes and minds are used to. Let’s check in with the pictures again to fortify our arousals:

Oh hell yes thats like 4 outta 5 of my love languages right there. ok: I Believe again, this book is just another one of those thats just takin its time til payoff I’m all in here we go. But just in case I will carefully select the next chapter…ok the picture for this one, even though its lackin in sumpchuous food and drink, it does have pretty much the same sideboob as that very formational scene in Romancing the Stone.

Look how squashed it is There’s NO WAY this one doesnt get to the good parts let’s enter together this steamy tale of wanton pleasure what’s this one called again?

Okay thats not real promising but theres presadent for it still pulling through c’mon lets show some sticktoitivity here Sissyneck

What is happenin. What am I doin here, what even am I highlightin right now. ? This whole chapter is just: Kate’s livin in a commune now and its pretty gross. I had to read it again and again, sweatier each time, tryin to figure out where the massage picture came from.

Thats all. I’m all for artisanal license but this is pushin it you guys. So much room and potential for describin how the masseuse, with his professionally-placed wristbands and almond oil lubricated hands slid closer, and closer still to the heat of her flower-pressed woman swells… But nothin. All wasted. I was so daspondent I had to rewatch that one part of romancing the stone and it did make me feel better when i heard that kinda mario kart soundin song that Silvestri did but you can also hear he’s honin his jungle-drums chops in a way that will pay off mightily in his score for Predator in a couple of years?

But anyway.

Like so many times before, after Jack shows Joan his new gator boots and kissin they sail off past 79th street together in the sailboat Angelina, I found myself back in this real world, alone in a twilet living room in my power-recliner (Trayton and LaRene was out at church trivia night; theyre kinda a power duo he does youtube and video games and she handles sports), this time with this stupid unpornographic book sittin there balanced on the stain-resistant Dark Sanded Bomber Brown arm. Sort of sullinly and pouty i flipped the cover and some pages, maybe i guess daring it a one last chance for horny.

Pssh, classic The Serial (sarcasm).

But I kept flippin an My eye landed on a title box:

That sounds like a pretty good camp i guess lets see the picture

Ok thats also pretty good i have to grunt my approval at anything from when if someone said lord of the rings everybody thought of Led Zeppelin lets see what we got here

Well thats interesting i definitely can see some of my past and present selves reflected in the plight of young Che at this summer camp; i remember at scouts when they got all mad at me when i fell asleep in my wilderness survival merit badge improvised outdoor structure even though: I did survive. I kept readin about how Che tries to conscientcious object to doin dumb stuff

As I read I was gripped by a fist of feelings, many of them emotional. Mountain man go AWAY he wants to go HOME i heard myself say.

I let the book fall from my fingers and fell back into the embrace and lumbar support of the lounger. Che. Though separated by years and geography and probably you arent real, you are my brother. Fuck eggplant, I said outloud, for both of us. Anybody that says differnt is pretendin.

Wait so what the hell is this book anyway. Who wrote it again?

Yes that one is real cute honestly but you all aint paying me to just do image searches, lets do some REAL research:

Hm. Satire. Weld. Mull. Rodeo.

I must go deeper into the Archives.

So wait a minute here. your tellin me, that what this book is, is Cyra. a rural western-born gal. Found herself in, but not of, a strange new and modern world. And: observin the goins-on goin on around her, she beheld perhaps the foolishness both inside and out as her and others were tryin make it through a world that made maybe less an less sense as her years passed. An she felt compelled to sit down and write about it, maybe centerin a version of herself in the stories. an also other people she knew and cared about. Doin her best to show how: yeah its pretty silly and funny! but what else can we do were still all doin the best we can out here arent we? And apparently somehow enough people said haha we like what you wrote that they paid her to keep writin it and put it in a lil neeshe publishin outfit for a while. So that’s what your tellin me here!?

In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Special Thanks You to Hot Dog Librarian Sebben for making that Hot Dog Archive Webpage which: makes huntin down old links just a whole bunch easier.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Nick Ralston, the man in lemon pants who stole your girl, your car, and your heart, and your dog.

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