Fucking Day: Sugar Daddy Playbook (Patreon)

Alright, dry spell consulting didn’t work out. Let’s try direct sales.

I’d say this has potential.

Always.

Labels change their subject. Not in reality, but in more compact brains. Prostitution has more subgenres than death metal, with slightly more distinction. Sugar dating says someone involved loves lying. Mostly to themselves.

But isn’t that fair? John’s an unpopular nickname, and selling yourself gets all the legal attention insider trading doesn’t. Unless you sell your brain to Goodell, limbs to the army, or spirit to an open office. I’m curious whether sugaring’s a sex work corner office or coal mine.

Our authors disagree with the question. Love is unprosecutable.

Alright, there’s no escorting here, the quote marks said so. I’m old enough to know felonies thin out at higher tax brackets. This information’s provided as is, just like Fun Facts About Dirty Bombs.

Note “authors.” The plural matters. Consider the possibilities:

There’s one more combo, but come on. Reality can’t sustain that. That’s the line between cartoonish and Funimation presents.

Buh?

Oh brave new world, that has such punters in it.

First: by chance? Or a list filtered by age, race, agency fee, and armpit access? You don’t buy Strega by chance. You say “I like Jagermeister, but my family’s judgy.” Or “I like Jagermeister, but vice is running stings.” Baby and Daddy are already my new favorite liars, and that list includes Adam blaming sin on his wife and pet.

Second: thank you. I have months of Confederate children’s books, but that shit lit my inbox on fire. And nearly opened a rift to hell (where Lee lives). I have less skin in the game this time. I only sell myself to ad agencies and the school that ate Harlem and that one NBC VP and wait how much do sugar babies make again?

Tempting. If fictional-tasting. An elite Daddy/Baby tag team can afford someone to press shift. Or tell them the blonde tag is redundant: I assume everyone drips hair dye. Especially the daddies.

You might be skeptical, since Sugar Daddy Playbook feels like a Seeking Arrangements ad. “Seeking Arrangements” appears twice as often as “sex,” and forty times as often as competing divorce generators. But skepticism is keeping you poor:

Did you underline travel baby? I underlined travel baby. Worldbuilding is the playbook’s best feature. I wouldn’t take a syllable as truth, but it delivers a sugar baby mythos. We’re just missing a map of Middle Vegas.

You can tell which bits Daddy wrote, because he tells stories like…your dad. Enter on race, exit on trivia. Maybe that style works. In one clean sentence, you learn a character’s arc and race war draft team. What else is there to life?

Business.

Our teachers–let’s just say they exist–distinguish themselves as [SB] and [SD]. If you’re new to words, at least. The lack of detail on the first startup and extreme defensive detail on the second instantly pin each speaker. The signatures just pad word counts and egos.

Then again, these startups are still impressive as clear failures. They show sugar daddies lighting arks of money on fire for third dates. Sugaring won’t turn you into a Shark Tank host. But you might get a weekly blank check from one, and call your cocaine snowfort a media startup.

Of course, that’s just if you’re a travel baby with a Gerard Butler clone. Some of us are fame babies.

Quid quo pro is barely worth typing today. Sugar Daddy Playbook came out while the Weinstein Company thrived. Don’t worry, this is another media niche. So he’s still out there! Scouting new talent. There must always be a Lech King.

There are plenty of other types of human to catch and train. We’ll cover them all. First, there’s a more basic question.

True. But Daddy and Baby just want you to live your best life. Which overlaps with Daddy living his, at all times, on demand.

Or at least Daddy’s friends. “Gary” is praised as a gold sugar daddy (another Pokemon type), and describes money’s minimal role.

I know, it's a little warm and fuzzy for the Doggzone. But there’s room for romance, unlike payment. Numbers make Gary angry. And control matters more to Daddy and Baby than anything physical. Not to tip my hand—punchlines are comedy’s allowance.

I wonder about “allowance.” Word choices like that make Christmas cards sound like ransom notes. The topic doesn’t help–Gary is totally a brothel dine-and-dasher. Or is it a fuck and flee? A screw and scram? A Donald? Gary has a black card, but you’ll have to give him a black eye to get it.

Anyway, money’s not important. If it were, you’d talk about it. Emoji flow anonymously through shell accounts all the time, and no one calls those important. That’s why I’m in Telegram groups for both.

But not everyone’s ready. Here’s the checklist for Quitter Babies:

“You love poverty. You hate the touch of gold. You’re addicted to talking. Zeroes on checks terrify you. You want your kids to wither. You won’t wear the harness. You insist on safewords. Debt is your identity. You’re a sniper in the war on men. You don’t have what it takes.”

Baby even confronts the statute in the room:

Again, Seeking Arrangement comes up one or two hundred times. That bugged me on my first readthrough, before Katrina ABANDONED ME. Now I see the nuance. Sometimes, startups let anonymous writers reprint their material wholesale. Standard procedure really. Picking at LITTLE MISTAKES like that is for TRAITORS LIKE KATRINA.

Unconvinced? That’s emotional instability talking. Reread the success stories until you calm down. Then recite the Litany of Two:

Sugar Daddy Playbook also quotes dating sites from the future. If you hate yourself enough to read transit ads, you’re me. Amidst other Corinthian pillars, you’ve seen Hinge wank about “Goal Digging.” Sugar Daddy Playbook is a decade ahead of the pun curve:

Yup, I still hate it in 2016. At least Daddy has a mostly-legal harem telling him he’s funny. I don’t know what the Hinge agency director’s excuse is. Well, other than their mostly-legal harem.

Motives include cash, moolah, dead presidents, paper, greenbacks, cash again, cheddar, filling life’s endless hollow silence with profit, simoleans, and followers.

I don’t get this chapter. It sets up equivocation, and then goes balls out with the grim truth. I haven’t seen mission decay like this since If I Did It, and I hope the Sugar Bowl involves less head trauma.

Now that you’ve bought this book and joined SeekingArrangements.com, it’s time to give sugaring a human face. At least, human if you play a lot of timesink RPGs. Otherwise the human encyclopedia feels…off.

Daddies are organized by type and income. It’s a lot of taxonomy for advice amounting to “take the best offer,” but the writers have some fun. How often do you get to make MBTI charts for Valentine’s Day arrests?

The jackpot of sugaring? An actual sugar daddy. This paragraph’s a better warning than the sneaky flashes of despair elsewhere. If our ideal is the basic concept, the rest of our sugar career is restraining orders.

To be clear: there are subtypes within each type. If you have a mascara skill issue, you can pull a Silver:

That’s what you got into this for, right? A preowned Camaro and Starbucks loyalty card? Fuck that. I wouldn’t date myself for what I make. Hint: take the short story collections in your home, and multiply by zero.

Don’t be a Jenny. Her fiance’s a Wall Street prole, scraping together pennies for a box at Madison Poor Trashcan. You can taste Baby’s contempt. Jenny should turn in her handbag and sell smack to kids. Silver sugar daddies aren’t death, because the dead know peace.

Jenny’s forgotten the Mantra of Pride.

Baby’s tough because she cares. Learning about a precious metal ranking system and picking silver is a disorder, and those are for food. Love is poison, save it for rival sugar…ah. Baby’s sharper than I thought. Well played.

Naturally, there are Gold daddies. I hope you think better of yourself. We’re after Platinum:

Finally. This book should be two lists long: Rockefellers and attorneys. I don’t know why we even wasted text on low ELO Silver shitters. It’s time to leave our financial skill issues behind.

Modern culture has a few flaws, like this book. They don’t include ignorance of the rich and famous. I know more about Blonde Elvis’s love life than mine, and I’ve only heard Reputation. I’ve read Robert Moses Says You Don’t Get Subways twice. Every time the Diamond Miner feels particularly divorced, my job gets harder. Every building I teach in is named after a Platinum Sugar Daddy. I will marry a Gold today if it erases Platinums from my spotless mind.

As for Confidentiality Agreements, I can’t comment. But all the NDAs in the news seem legit. Especially when sex is involved. But I only read the New York Post, and backwards.

Imagine, if you will, being Daddy. You write books with your live-in prostitute, because creativity is your fetish and editing isn’t. Then she dedicates a chapter to a Tougher, Colder Punter. A Platinum Lord of the Earth, unlike the Gold laborer she settled for. What do you say? Who do you tell? Do you simply marvel at being the first human in this situation? My soul cackles in wonder.

These are just the daddies of light. The night is dark and full of poverty. Lamborghini-less souls haunt the path to your start-up:

Clown bushido demands two nods. One: this makes sense as an occupational hazard. Dating is half lies before MasterCard gets involved. Two: “Splenda Daddy” is funny. Normal, unironic, non-backbiting funny.

Cash out.

No, you didn’t. You broke one real insight into four flavors of stupid. They’ll make great citations on a redpill/pinkpill/chartreusepill forum someday. But they’re useless to aspiring Melanias.

All four classes of Splenda Daddy have four traits: no money, no game (money), no shame (money), and marketable social media skills. Given the dilution of reality, at least a few false daddies must graduate to dating coach each year.

Interesting problem. Maybe cut the section on not talking about money. As fun as working for free is, it feels less hilarious mid-Pretty Woman speedrun.

We miss anything?

I love this job so much.

Baby wastes a page pretending feet shock anyone, before dropping some hammers. Okay, another mainstream fetish. But with perfect context.

A sugar daddy into findom’s called a sugar daddy.

We’re committed to seducing Vanderbilts. But how do we meet the FinDaddy of our dreams? And why hasn’t The Sugar Daddy Playbook told us? Daddy and Baby don’t have answers, but they do have a sponsor.

And enthusiasm. The “Step-By-Step Guide to Creating a Magnetic Online Profile” is our first actionable advice, and the authors are excited to help you join Seeking Arrangements. Or another site, if you hate wealth and love chlamydia. Join SeekingArrangements.com.

It sounds conspiratorial. But Daddy and Baby might tolerate a little awkwardness for money.

I see three numerals and one rule: be real. But I have a writer’s room face, so let’s focus on sex appeal.

“Hey Jen, my pervert trap needs new pics. Mind posing for some wealthy criminals? Or should I just use our old shots, in your driveway? Hit me back. They might need you to sign stuff.”

“Look purty,” makes sense. I question the eternal intifada on duckface, a phenomenon almost exclusive to the hot and confident. From my perch, it’s largely says “I can get away with duckface.” And the playbook encourages honesty in sugar baby photos, pitching idealism in the dumbest fucking place possible.

As for text: who cares? Just don’t ask about money.

The art of hooking without hooking. This part’s tough, but tournament daddies are worth it.

Messaging, however, is a bit more nuanced. Never speak of coin, but apply techniques for making it. Baby has some marketing judo in her back pocket:

Believe it or not, non-bullshit. Everyone on Reddit sounds the same because ads trickle down. There’s a timeline where everyone sounds like Billy Mays, and a timeline where everyone sounds like a strung-out copywriter. We’re in the bad timeline.

Does it work?

Not really.

But it persists. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I assume everyone reading along’s found their mark. I’m exploiting Dr. Alucard Tepes, a biologist that promises he’s not a vampire. I had some questions, but I’d already pushed my luck talking about money. He says he has it!

Oh thank fuck.

This section’s all about getting sugar daddies to pay you. Also known as THE SUGAR DADDY PLAYBOOK. There’s an entire chapter of synonyms for “broke,” and we’re converting youth to profit forty pages later. Sloppy work, for alleged masters.

Daddy has explaining to do.

Daddy doesn’t get bragging. Not just skill, or believability. He’s forgotten its purpose. “I’ve spent a lot on sex, but not as much as I could have” burns every social or mental benefit of bragging. You might try to pull this sentence off for, well, bragging rights. The New Game Plus of egotism. But there’s no Twitch for sugar nevermind there totally is.

Dope. Back to dodging the m-word.

I combine the social skills of sci-fi writers and sober Jamaicans. But this sounds like taking at least one round of geriatric sociopath dick for no money. Unpaid internships are stock jokes because everyone knew they were horseshit. Free dinner’s cool, but you didn’t give Seeking Arrangement your data for the best steak on the opposite side of town from his wife. You wanted enough money to escape Sallie Mae, or finish one 40k army.

The ideal is clear: you’re slick, he’s horny, and nothing happens until you get a new handbag dog. But at least one reader hasn’t finished Freshman Week and learned to tame cavemen.

Scorpions eat their young.

I wish I found this book a year earlier or later. The Bernie non-sequiter is diamond stupidity, and we’re too close to another national fistfight to appreciate it. Reread when you’re deployed in [Tehran][Taipei][Boston]. It’ll be a nice break from hip-firing at [children][children][combat babies].

For now, pitching this as charity is inspired. I left out a Sugar Daddy class earlier:

You might have another guess. That’s the attitude that keeps you silver. Go beg NASDAQ for change with the other vagrants.

There’s logic here. Ego fluffing keeps your UberFeet score up. Maybe moreso than the actual fluffing. But I’m mostly irrational (emotionally unstable, as Baby would put it). And the thought of giving a cent of my dick money back to clients sits poorly. If I get an allowance, he can have a drawing from recess.

My spider-sense is distracting me. Do daddies have control issues, or are my emotions imploding again?

That’s a Baby tip. Daddy doesn’t remember Wal-Mart. The Waltons have always just been there, like the sun or affluenza. He also thinks Gary’s harmless. As long as you don’t mention money. Never mention money.

I’d mock treating burner phones as a new concept, but this chapter targets the barely legal and explicitly illegal tags on Seeking Credit. This chapter’s for babies set to outlive Antarctica. Unless they meet the wrong splenda daddy.

What? I thought we were ducking this. There are twelve pages left.

Did you forget? There are two of you. It can’t be evasion, because you could say nothing. The fifth amendment applies to Google Docs. You can just run out the clock talking about the best motels and contraceptives for Not Fucking.

Anti-sex sex work tips.The podcasts were right: the vaccine melted my amygdala. I never made it out of lockdown. I wonder who won the old man fight? At least that shit’s settled by now.

Got it. This book doesn’t exist. This article doesn’t exist. Nothing exists. How can I buy sex, when there is no physical plane? Only the void. Never ask about money in the void.

Other books on the topic agree:

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Chase, who classifies as a sugar glider - a wealthy person who spends an inordinate amount of money to fly kites with beautiful young people. 

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.