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THE VAGRANT'S HANDBOOK TO SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE GRAVEROBBING

INTRODUCTION: THE POOR FELLOW's ERRANTRY

Knight-Errants, we've all looked up to them once. Every decent children's story seems to have one, all done up in surcoat and maille, sword in one hand shield in the other, righting wrongs, fighting injustices, and otherwise being heroic. We've all thought what that might have been like, smiting evil, parading down the street under a cloud of rose petals, getting kisses from fair lads and maidens, all very fine stuff.

Well, I'm afraid I have some really bad news: you're probably never going to be a Knight-Errant. That shining maille and that carefully sharpened sword doesn't come from anywhere. It has to be paid for, which means you either need to come from a big rich family or be really close to someone who does. If you're reading this book in the first place, then those criteria probably don't apply to you, which is a shame.

But don't let that stop you! Although the glittering life of a Knight-Errant from the poems and ballads may be out of your reach, you can still rectify one injustice: the fact that you were born too poor to achieve the heroic reputation you so clearly deserve. Within this guidebook are some well-worn and reliable pieces of advice to make that adventurous spirit of yours good for something other than daydreaming about might-have beens! Noble blood and rich parents may count for a lot in this world, but so do guts, determination, and using your head. This book might not make you the hero of any heroic ballads, but it just might keep you keep you alive - and a few silver pennies ahead.

You might never be able to achieve those childhood dreams of being a Knight-Errant, but with enough courage, luck, and the advice of this volume, you might just be able to make your children or younger siblings will.

1: FIRST STEPS

First things first. Before you start thinking about how you're going to become rich and famous, you need to think about how to be not-dead. Far too many adventurers meet their ends when they go off on their first expedition and bite off far more than they can chew. The key to not joining them is knowing your limits, and the only way to know your limits is to test them - preferably in a place where failing won't get you killed.

That means practise: find a safe place to do that. Climb up and down a tree on the outskirts of your village to see how far up you can get. Have a friend (or an enemy) throw rocks at you to see how many you can dodge, and how clearly you can think while some knave is throwing rocks at you. Figure out how good you are at navigating by landmarks in a forest near your home. Practise navigating by the stars, but only to the tavern and back. Once you figured that out, then it's time to try something a little more complicated, maybe a little more risky. A local cave, maybe a Flowering Court ruin that's already been cleared for generations. Get a few tastes of risk and danger - just not enough for a fatal dose.

2: FINDING AN ANGLE

Now that you have some idea of what you are and aren't capable of, it's time to find a location for your first big score. Now, it's usually a good idea to at least have a general idea of where you're going before you set off. Sure, you could just wander off into the Sorcerous Wilds with a pack full of supplies and hope you find something worth exploring, but you're far more likely to find nothing, get lost, and get eaten by some kind of wild animal - probably not what you had in mind when you were thinking about "adventure".

So, it's usually best to do some reading ahead of time. Most of the major cities in the Concordat have archives which might give some ideas when it comes to ruins worth exploring. There's private collections belonging to the families of past adventurers too, those are always good places to start.

A word of warning here: there are definitely some sorts of places you want to avoid exploring. For example, some noble houses use former Flowering Court ruins as vaults for their own treasure - the Ducal House of Kendrickstone most prominently. Unless you want a lot of angry people with very sharp weapons after you, definitely avoid exploring those ruins. Likewise for ruins that seem too inviting: ones marked unexplored close to cities or the main roads or the coast. Chances are, there's a good reason nobody's finished exploring them.

Ultimately, your best bet for a starting expedition is a minor ruin which has been marked, but not yet explored, far from the well-traveled parts of the world. In theory, that means a ruin that was probably beneath the notice of a more better-equipped adventuring party - which means there's probably still some useful loot inside.

3: DRESSING FOR NON-FAILURE

Another reason to know more or less where you're going before you set out is that this means you know exactly what to pack for the occasion. Going north? Get yourself a fur-lined cloak and a decent set of warm stockings. Going south? A light cloak and a wide-brimmed hat will keep the sun and the dust out, and an extra water-skin or two might literally save your life. Headed into the forest? Bring a few snares so you don't have to carry all of your own food with you. Headed for the plains? Bring a sling or a bow. They might be more useful on open ground.

Which brings us to another point: weapons. Now, you're probably thinking a sword or the like, but swords are expensive - chances are, if you can afford a decent sword, you don't really need this guide. A heavy iron-tipped staff or cudgel might serve your needs - and your coinpurse better. A short spear is usually a good option too, though in either case, you'll want a long knife or a hatchet to chop firewood and clear brush.

There's other pieces of equipment you definitely don't want to consider too: an arbalest, for example, might seem like a good backup plan - until you remember that it takes half a minute to reload. A pike or a hunting spear might keep your enemy at bay, but it's also something you'll have to lug around everywhere you go. Same goes for a big shield or heavy armour. You're better off keeping a hand free - and if you're ever in a situation where you really need a shield, you're probably done for anyhow.

On the other hand, there's a few things you probably should bring along: flint, steel, torches, some dry food that will keep for a long time, a bedroll, bandages, some way to boil water, and enough money to get you where you're going and back. 

And rope, always rope. Never leave without a good solid length of rope. If you can't take anything else, bring rope. It can basically serve as a substitute for everything else I've just mentioned - even the food, if you're desperate enough.

4: ON THE ROAD

In the stories, Knight-Errants often travel alone, but as we've already established you're not a Knight-Errant. Brigands and bandits see a big professional soldier in maille atop a giant warhorse and they think "better find an easier target." They see you, walking along or riding a mule, and they think "this idiot's going to be paying for my drinks for the next month." Travel in a group, trading caravans usually go between major towns, and peasants usually go as a group between market towns and their villages because they don't want to be easy targets either. Get yourself a spot in one of those groups, pay them if you have to, just don't travel alone until the last possible minute.

Speaking of paying for things, you'll also want to stop at inns and the like whenever possible. Sure, you might have a couple days of rations and a bedroll, but those you should be saving for when you go off the road. The key is to get to that point with you and your equipment and supplies in as good a condition as possible - because there won't be any inns waiting for you when you go into the wilds. Better to have a reserve of food in your pack then than to have eaten it all on the way there for the sake of saving a few pennies.

5: OFF THE ROAD

Eventually, you're going to have to get off the road and into the untamed wilderness to start the last leg of your journey. Generally speaking, you want to do this as close to your destination as possible. The kind of distance you can travel in a day on a road could take four or five in the wilderness, so unless there's an actual mountain in the way between the shortest route from the road to your destination, it's always best to spend a bit of extra time on the road.

Once you're off the road however, there are no signposts or directions. It becomes really easy to get lost. Check your orientation based on the position of the sun, the growth of lichen on the trees, and the position of the stars regularly. Leave markings on trees or in the ground as you go, and make sure you can see two of those marks at any given time - so you'll know if you're still going in a straight line or not. When you make camp, take the time to check the direction you're facing again, then make sure the area you plan on sleeping in isn't right on top of some wild animal's den. Light a fire, that'll scare off most predators. If you can, hang your pack from a tree branch to keep it out of reach of scavengers. 

And whatever you do, don't camp on top of any ancient stone circles. There's a reason why all the stories involving that sort of thing usually ends with the words "and they were never seen again."

6: GETTING IN

Well, here we are, the whole reason you picked up this book in the first place. I'm sure you're already imagining it now: a bold expedition into the deepest darkness, dodging deathtraps and strange sorcerous creatures, vaulting over great chasms and evading ancient magic just like in the stories you've been told since you were a kid.

Well uh, don't.

The reason those stories become so popular is because of the danger in them, and that kind of mortal peril only happens when something as gone horribly wrong. "Our hero went in, found a load of great loot, and got out safely" doesn't quite have the same sort of dramatic flair that sorcerous lightning and angry walking mountains do, but they're also far less likely to leave you a nasty smear on the floor.

If you've been paying attention through the rest of this guidebook, then hopefully, you haven't chosen the kind of ruin with deathtraps and feral magical creatures in the first place. Remember, the Flowering Court were a lot like us, if we were long-lived, complete masters over magic, and extinct. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the ruins they've left behind aren't arcane laboratories or magical forges, but places to sleep, eat, work, and play. They'll be no more likely to have a death trap over their door than someone would over the front door of their cottage, or the lid over their privy.

Of course, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful. Just because you're probably not going into one of those ruins from the stories doesn't mean you can be sure. Always open doors with something that isn't your hand. Avoid raised stones or strange protrusions in the floor, never stick anything you don't want to lose inside strange holes or openings. Keep a lit torch or a lamp on you at all times, and never go so far deep into a ruin that you can't see the exit. If you've reached a point where you're two hundred paces in and you still see passages stretching off into the darkness, then turn back, and leave that mess for someone else with more equipment, and more expendable friends.

Now, I'm sure this has gotten a lot of your worried. You were thinking that you'd be carrying home bags full of magic swords and ancient spellbooks, and glowing rocks that make you live forever. But don't despair! Just because your loot is likely to be mundane doesn't mean it won't be profitable. Even the most mundane Flowering Court object is a unique artifact which has never been replicated, and that alone means that what you find is likely worth putting in your bag for later sale.

Assuming you can get back to town alive.

7: GETTING OUT

Okay, so you've found your way to the ruin you were looking for, you've found your way in, and you've even found some decent loot. The hard part's done, right?

Well, no, not really. That just means you're face-to-face with the most difficult challenge of all: knowing when to quit when you're ahead.

See, when you're putting all that loot in to your pack, it becomes too easy only to think about how much money it's going to make you, and what you're going to spend all that money on. Don't do that. Instead, think about what it'd feel like to haul that loot across every stream, over every hill, and down every ravine you've passed to get here. Now imagine hauling that down the road by yourself as you try to make your way to the nearest settlement. All that loot isn't just going to be exhausting to carry, but it's also going to slow you down, making it so it'll take longer to get back than it took to get there. Sure, your haul might not be as valuable it could be if you stick to small, relatively light items - but you can only spend money while you're alive - and you can always make a second trip to pick up the stuff you left behind the first time. If you're really attached to it, you could always bury that extra loot in a marked cache close by - just so long as you aren't carrying it all the way back.

Travel light, travel carefully, and whatever you do, don't tell anyone where you've been or what you have on you until the very moment you're ready to start selling it.

CONCLUSION: WHAT NOW?

So, you've made it back to town, with your hide intact, and more importantly, with a pack full of loot. How do you turn that loot into silver, gold, and drinks? 

First of all: Court Mages. Most of them collect Flowering Court artifacts as a matter of course, and because their budget comes from their patron, that means they're willing to spend more money to get a first look at them. On top of that, because most of them are experts, they'll know right away that the loot you've brought them is genuine, so they won't try to knock pennies off the price by insinuating that they might be fake. If you've been honest, then they'll know you're being honest, and they'll offer you probably the best price you're likely to get.

Second, rich merchants and aristocrats, and other people with more money than sense. These kinds of folks love displaying exotic ancient artifacts in their houses. They think it makes them look sophisticated and scholarly, or that it implies they had a famous ancestor who got them all this stuff. They don't really care about how authentic a piece is, just that it looks authentic. Of course, they're also actually spending their own money, so they'll try to haggle - or send someone to haggle for them. Don't worry too much about weaselling every last penny from them. Even a Flowering Court inkwell can easily sell for the price of an entire Fiorentine desk. You're better off having a few rich idiots who think you're a good and cheap source of useful conversation pieces than a few coins and a bunch of powerful enemies who think you've cheated them.

If you still can't find a buyer after exhausting those two sources, only then should you start to look elsewhere: guild halls, traders, other professionals who might be able to sell your haul for a profit somewhere else. 

Of course, all that gold and silver is going to be heavy. Your first thought is probably going to be to get rid of as much of it as you can. This is a mistake. Do that, and you'll quickly end up poorer than you were to begin with. What you want to do is to invest that money carefully, in a way which will keep it out of the hands of pickpockets and brigands, and in a place where it'll work for you.

How do you do that? Well, you can start by buying my next guidebook: A VAGRANT'S GUIDE TO AFFORDABLE SOCIAL-CLIMBING, wherever fine (or at least affordable) books are sold!