The fall of a Paladin - Athena of Glacia (Patreon)

When I work out details of the world, sometime I write backstory or lore for NPCs that never intends to see the light of day. The idea is to build the structure of the world and how things came to be, and then to show the players to consequences of these things. That is to say, I might write many paragraphs explaining how a paladin falls from their station to become a death knight that I use to inform the world and character actions, but the PCs never get to see the behind the scenes notes or lore.

This is one of those backstory notes. It's the, very rough, story of a Paladin of Martha, goddess of Life, Creation, and Healing, losing focus from her duty in life. It's the story of someone in power, someone who has a duty to live their life for the realm, getting distracted and side tracked with their own personal feelings. This tale only goes as far as to create the conditions for the fall, but doesn't discuss the actual fall of the realm or deaths of the characters. It's just the introduction.

In these notes, there are some concepts that really stand out as crucial to the story even though they are only given a sentence or two. That's because the story is written for my notes and understanding, and the concepts that are very important are already clear to me, so I don't spend much time on them. The concepts that I struggle with more need more words, so they are longer. To give an example, the power dynamics of a Paladin falling in love for someone who works for her is a pretty clear and obvious no-no, so it gets one line, but it's core to corruption. The effect a paladin has on the people around them is also super clutch, and gets 3 or 4 sentences, but cannot be understated.

So, with that long preamble, I give you the story of Athena and Willow.

(note: groom is the job title of a person who is responsible for horses at a stable)

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So we got Willow as the groom, who Athena always sees right before charging out into battle / going on trips / when going out joy riding and who takes care of her horse. They talk, they know each other, but they are both disciplined, from different worlds, and could never work so is never even thought about.

Reluna strikes out at a nearby horse one day with a biting fly, causing the two of them to rush out and get caught in a rainstorm, where they share a long gaze with a few enjoyable words and heavy dripping silences huddled under a cloak.

Willow goes about her life, pretending everything is normal. A Paladin has an effect on people. They're super charismatic, they're powerful physically, magically, and socially. When they talk to you, it's like you're the only person in the world. So if you work with a Paladin, you're used to a certain level of "wow" in your day. But this was entirely different. This wasn't just being awed by the person in the room, this was undeniably electric - a moment where the Paladin lets down her guard and you can see the person inside, and that person is amazing. Willow knows that she's been struck by something and her world is re-framed. 

Athena is used to being what other expect of her. Even in this interaction she's serving as a protector for the person in her charge, but in this moment of very close silliness (enclosing yourself and another person in essentially a mini tent with nowhere to look but at each other) after a breathless chase for a spooked horse, on this peaceful day off, Athena let the mask slip and was just a person again. It wasn't love, it wasn't world reframing, it was letting a person into your life in a brand new way.

Willow is patient, waiting, never stepping out of place. She knows nothing can ever come of this, and that nothing should ever come of it. She's happily resigned to her life, enjoying what moments she can but rarely seeking them out. Athena has a lot of responsibilities and duties that help keep her mind from it. But every time she goes to get her horse, the world slows down for a moment and she remembers her humanity. These moments are quiet for her, and deeply rushing for Willow.

Athena begins slowing down in the stables, taking more time, asking more questions about care and mood of her trusted steed. She notes a distinct difference in how she feels and behaves between when the two of them are alone in the stables and when other people are around. She finds herself wanting other people in the stables because whatever this is, this isn’t good for her. Sometimes she is intentionally cold or short with Willow to make a point, to deny there is something more but it hurts to be distant with this woman. So she apologizes for her coldness. She’s a paladin of Martha after all, she should be warm and kind to all people.

But kindness with Willow feels like trespassing. Holding a conversation with her without wanting to hold a soaking cloak over her and forget the world is an act of futility. Moving the saddle off the horse and into Willows arms is particularly dangerous - so much room for hands to touch. Athena could handle the saddle herself. Willow is more than capable on her own. But this little ritual that has formed tortures both of them.

Athena spends more time riding. But alone with the horse, her thoughts always drift back to Willow, the time they just spent in the barn, the time they are about to spend in the barn. The rides become longer as Athena prolongs the moments before seeing Willow again, and less frequent as she becomes aware of what an increasingly large part of her mind is occupied by a thing with no name, no words, that has never been spoken about, and which is entirely inconsequential and yet is so delightfully stressful.

Willow spends most of her days alone with the very horses that Athena rides. Her jobs consists of caring for the most visceral symbol of power of the woman with which she is overcome. Going into work each day, being surrounded by all the trappings of your desires, where the object of your affection might burst in on you at any moment, perhaps accompanied by others and not even seeing you, perhaps cold and abrupt, perhaps most painfully of all alone with you, holding the world perfectly still and stopping time, just for the two of you, just for a moment. And you have to keep it all together. You have to do everything perfectly. One small misstep and you might over reach. The stables must be in perfect order and repair so there will never be a reason to replace you. The horses must be in perfect health so that She won’t fall in battle. You can never say anything, least someone overhear you, or bringing attention to this fragile, delicate, untouched thing breaks it. And just when the agony of this futile infatuation turned hope turned obsession becomes too much, Athena asks you to help her train a new horse, and you spend all day in the sun with the woman and animals you love. These long full days of riding, of training, of working together, of turning a spirited stallion into a disciplined warhorse - these are what all days should be. These are the glimpses of what the world could be. It is divine. It carries you for days. Then she’s gone for weeks, maybe months at a time. You remember that she’s a paladin. She is divine. The only future here is one of servitude. But if you are to be a servant, why not here? Why not where you can occasionally, from time to time, with fleeting moments in between, drink from the holy grail and be content. 

But a person can have but one sworn duty in life, and Athena knows it. She is compromising what she stands for by letting herself get distracted. And so sends Willow away to be the groom at a different stable, out by the lake. It is a painful thing, sending away the one person with whom you feel connected. The one person who actually knows you, who sees you as you see yourself. For the good of the realm it had to be done. She works for you. She would do anything for you. Any of them would. It is wrong to impose yourself upon the small folk. You are too great an influence for them to not look at you. If this woman means as much to you as she does, she deserves a happy life. She deserves love, and family, and friends, and peace. By now there is no doubt about what is happening here. There is no doubt that Willow would follow you to the ends of the earth, but doing what is right often means sacrificing ones own desires for the greater good. Thankfully she’s never said anything, never reached just to touch you. When you are with her, you forget you’re not supposed to be. It would be too easy to hold her. Too easy for fingers to interweave.

If having Willow near was agony, sending her away was torture. Whereas before Athena was able to quell the distractions of the mind until there was an excuse to visit the stables, now the distractions piled up with no outlet. How is she doing? Which horse are she working with? What is the condition of the barn? How often does she get to see her family? Does she still wear her hair in that loose curl? Come to think of it, stable work is hard work. She must have attended to her hair ten times a day to look that way every time I saw her. Was that for me? How could I be so blind!? There were no answers, only more questions, only an ever increasing buzz in her mind. Seeking any of these answers would be admitting something was happening, might lead someone to what she was trying to hide away. The buzz of questions could not be contained, and so after months away, Athena found reason to visit the lake estate.

They days were as before, with little else to do, one strung on after another, after another. The loose braid was still there. It was winter. The lake frozen. They spoke openly about any subject but one. They discussed past loves, but never their own. Athena helped clean the stables, claiming humility is good for the soul. They never felt the chill in the air.