Amazon Apocalypse (Rewrite): Chapter 1 version 2 (Patreon)

Alright guys, I'm sick of trying to figure out which chapter 1 you guys would like better, so I'm making you decide! I narrowed things down to these two, but I might do one more rewrite depending on what you guys say.

If you could, please read this version and tell me which of the chapter 1's is better! Thank you!

Original Chapter 1 here for comparison. 

Amazon Apocalypse: Chapter 1

There's nothing special about me. Born in a small town to average parents of little means, I grew up in a public school getting above average grades but compensating with below average athletics. With average build and average height, I was quite an ordinary specimen of humanity throughout my youth. That was something a friend of mine liked to remind me of a little too often to be normal.

"Human! I have come from a distant world to study you and your kind! And you, as a completely average human, shall be the basis of my studies!" Myrina proudly announced.

I wasn't really sure why she took a liking to me. I knocked on her door a few times so she wouldn't miss the school bus, and I helped her out now and again with her homework, but all in all I hadn't done anything particularly out of the ordinary.

Unlike me, Myrina was a very exceptional girl. Her grades were abysmal, but every sport she tried her hand at she ended up as the best on the team. She should have been the pride of the entire school, but her odd personality had most of the other kids shooting each other odd looks whenever she entered the room, usually with a twirl around the temple as they tried to avoid catching the crazy girl's attention.

Also unlike me, she was a remarkable specimen of a person. She hit her growth spurt before me and for a few years I was barely tall enough to reach to meet her chest at eye level.

"With each day, my power grows stronger!" She laughed whenever I brought the subject up. "With this strength, I will crush my enemies. And yours too, if you'll point me at them."

One day when we were kids playing in the mud, I made the mistake of trying to wrestle her. When we were in middle school, and I'd been certain puberty would finally give me a leg up on her. But nothing could have been further from the truth.

"Ha! Trapped you! Now you have to be my husband!" Myrina laughed as she held me down in the mud.

"Okay, okay. I suppose I'll surrender and agree to your terms." I laughed.

"Promise?"

"I promise. Now let me up."

"Okay." A moment later the two of us were sitting ankle-deep in a pile of mud, each covered in filth and with a grin on her face. She sighed, then leaned against me. "Since you promised, I have a secret to share with you. A secret about why I'm different from all the other girls."

"Isn't that what all the girls say?" I raised an eyebrow, but seriousness returned when I realized she wasn't joking.

"For real though. I'm not supposed to tell anyone about this. I'll probably get in a lot of trouble for telling you this, but you're worth it." She wrapped her hands around mine.

"Alright, what's this big secret of yours?"

"I'm a princess."

I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. "A princess? Really?"

"It's true!" Myrina pouted.

"Alright, I believe you." I forced my laughter to subside. "What are you the princess of?"

"I'm a minor princess of a faction called the Amazonian Empire. It's a sprawling nation of powerful warrior women. We live on a vast world far from this one where magic is real and people everywhere posses incredible powers granted to them by an almighty entity we call the system. It's not too unlike the video games you've shown me. I suspect some of those were created by the system to prepare your world and its people for integration."

"Oh, an Amazonian princess," I nodded, as though finally believing her. It did seem to suit her a little better than being a regular princess. "And you... what? Keep keep harems of men locked away in palaces while you fight, despoil, and conquer?"

"The other way around. Most Amazonian clans are formed around a single man. His capabilities often determine how large a clan can be. Some never grow beyond a single member, but others can have dozens or even thousands. But that's besides the point. The real reason I'm here on your world because the Amazonian Empire knows you're going to be integrated soon. Your world has a lot of strange weapons we don't really understand, and your ways are stranger still. We're supposed to figure out whether we should ignore you, befriend you, or try to capture as many of you as we can."

"And what are your thoughts about Earth so far, your royal highness?" I grinned mockingly and gave her a clumsy bow.

"Capture!" She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "Well. At least one capture. After that we can fight or befriend you or something. It really isn't my call to make. My aunt is writing the report for the clan, which will eventually make its way to the Council of Queens, who will decide our official policy."

I sensed a hole in her little flight of fancy, at least a hole as far as I thought these sorts of things were supposed to go.

"I don't think that's right. Princesses aren't supposed to do the capturing. They're the ones who get captured."
She frowned.

"It's true," I insisted. "Heck, since you're an Amazonian princess, maybe I'm an evil wizard! I'll capture you and lock you in my tower, using all my dastardly spells to unleash unspeakable horrors on you!"

"What kind of unspeakable horrors?" She leaned forward in interest. She'd always loved things a lot of other woman might find icky.

"Dunno. Maybe I'll think of something when I'm older."

***

A few years passed and I spoke to Myrina in passing. I wouldn't say we were really friends, but the girl was always the odd one out. Not being the most scientifically minded, she usually needed a partner in chemistry class who knew what he was doing. Nobody else was willing to volunteer, so I ended up swapping my schedule around so I could be in her class and keep her company.

We were good school friends, but as the days went by we drifted a little further apart. I couldn't help but feel she wasn't as close as we used to be, and I wasn't allowed over her house anymore. At least, not until one day, she invited me to her birthday party.

"Are you sure you want a guy over your house for a sleepover party?" I asked her. "And are your aunt is okay with this?"

"Definitely! Make sure you pack your things for a long trip! Plenty of changes of clothes, a toothbrush, and anything you would want if you were, say, being kidnapped by aliens and brought to another planet," Myrina explained.

"Ha ha, very funny," I chuckled. "Remember that time you told me you were an Amazon princess?"

"Yeah... what a funny joke." Myrina blushed. The day after she'd made that confession she took it all back. It had just been a silly joke, according to her. No matter how serious she seemed.

I accepted her weird apology. After all, I'd taken it to be a joke from the very beginning. But I was happy she seemed to be opening up to me again. Maybe we hadn't drifted apart after all. Truth be told, I was curious to see her house again, since it had been so long since I'd been allowed over. Her aunt had always given me a strange feeling.

I arrived an hour after school ended, and Myrina was sitting outside her house waiting for me with an anxious look on her face.

"He's here! He's here!" She shouted as she rushed inside to tell her aunt, who she'd already told me she was growing up with.

Their house looked surprisingly ordinary for such an odd family. It was a suburban dwelling with a small fenced in yard. It was painted and shingled the exact same colors as the houses next door. It had been new construction when they moved in, though after a few years of living there the house was starting to show wear. The lawn hadn't been mowed in ages, but the local home owners association had shown a little mercy for once, since they knew it was must Myrina and her aunt, neither of whom were particularly handy despite both being exceptionally athletic.

"Hi Myrina," I said as I entered the room. I looked around and saw nobody else there. "Am I the first to arrive?"

That was odd. I planned to arrive fashionably five minutes late, since I didn't want things to be too awkward with me and Myrina sitting in her room alone.

"Uh... about that," Myrina ran her fingers down her ponytail and wore a bashful look on her face. "You're the only one I invited. And this isn't actually a birthday party. It's a going away party."

"You're moving?"

"Yes. To a place very far away. And..." She took my hand in hers "I want you to come with us. I want you to live with me at my real home."

I looked at her and saw the anxious, nervous expression on her face. It pulled on my heart, and for a second I thought I really would go with this odd girl to wherever she planned on going.

"For how long?"

Myrina shrugged. "Honestly? Probably for the rest of your life."

"I... I'm flattered, Myrina, but I have a life and family here. Sorry."

Myrina's shoulders sagged. "My aunt said you'd say that."

"I'd be happy to keep in touch though!" I offered. "We can be pen pals. And when I finally save up for a car, maybe I can even drive over for a visit!"

That didn't seem to cheer Myrina up all that much. "I'm afraid it's going to be longer than that. You can't drive to where we're going."

"You're moving overseas?"

"Back home," Myrina replied. "To the Amazonian Empire."

"Ah..." More of the story about being an alien from another planet. "Nice one, Myrina. You almost had me there."

"I'm serious, Carter," Myrina said as she looked me dead in the eyes. "When I said I was joking before? I lied. My aunt made me take it all back when I told her what happened, but what I told you was the truth. I'm from the Amazonian Empire. And I want you to come back home with me. Something bad is going to happen to your planet over the next few years but if you--"

Myrina winced, body shaking as though she'd been hit with a lightning bolt.

She scrunched her eyes shut and waited for the pain to subside. "--come with me, I can--" She froze up again, clearly in pain once more.

"Myrina? What's wrong?" I asked, rushing up to her side.

"I guess I'm breaking the rules for spilling the beans on the coming apocalypse." Myrina tried to laugh it off, but I could tell she got shocked again.

"You're saying... you really are an alien?" I asked.

Myrina tried to nod, but instead all that came out was a wince. Whatever was working hard to prevent her from telling me any more.

What exactly was going on here?

I tried to prod at the subject without causing her any more pain. "I can't come with you, but maybe we can still be pen pals though? I mean, is there any reason I can't come and visit?"

Myrina seemed to suddenly have an idea, and her eyes darted back to her house behind her. "Hold on, let me get you something."

She turned and darted into her house. "Auntie! I need a Patronage Token! I know you have one left."

I heard a few muffled sounds from inside the house. Myrina's aunt was a big woman. Big enough that most who saw her thought she was some sort of body builder. I'd seen her a few times, but she always had an air of distance to her, like she was looking at an anthill and watching insects scurry about. I'd always found it a bit unnerving.

The woman emerged from deeper within the house, greeting me on the steps. She looked me up and down, a furrow on her brow. I took an involuntary step back when I saw her. She wasn't scary, per say. But something instinctual way back in the primitive lizard part of my brain told me I was standing before someone dangerous. Like I was a mouse looking at a cat. My eyes only saw a particularly fit woman staring at me with something between mild curiosity and no opinion at all.

"I suppose if you really want to, I can give him the token," Myrina's aunt shrugged as she glanced back at her niece. "But you know the odds of him making it through the apocalypse are tiny, don't you? And his odds of becoming strong enough to even survive the journey to the empire are equally tiny."

Myrina's voice was small, and her eyes downcast. "I know." Her gaze darted to me, then the coin her aunt held out. It was roughly the size of a sand dollar, and it had a small hole in the center presumably to be strung into a necklace. She presented the coin-shaped thing to me. "Here, take this Carter. Keep it close. When this world ends and the new one begins, I can use it to help you."

"Okay..." I accepted the coin awkwardly.

"If you complete the Patronage Quest, I'll be able to give a tutorial that will--" Myrina's voice was cut off by her aunt clamping a hand over her niece's mouth.

"I won't be punished by the system just so you can give your mortal boyfriend an unfair advantage," Myrina's aunt said. "Just wish him the best and say your goodbyes."

"...Bye Carter." Myrina wrapped her hands around my shoulders. "And try not to die on me."

"I promise to do my best..." I chuckled, still not really getting it. What was going on here? I thought Myrina gave up on her pretending to be an alien thing years ago?

"Step back please." Myrina's aunt waved me off the porch.

Shrugging, I took a few steps back.

All of a sudden, Myrina's house started to change. The paint started chipping, and soon the shingles on the roof were falling one by one. Vinyl peeled off the walls and cracked down the middle, like the entire house was expanding and bursting out of its own skin. Wooden beams within shattered and splintered one after another, and they tossed debris into the yard as they opened up cracks as wide as I was in the walls.

The house didn't collapse in on itself though. There was something inside Myrina's home, just within the walls. It shimmered a metallic purple, and the luster was unlike any metal I'd ever seen.

Then the thing inside the house lifted, and I realized I wasn't looking at a house at all. The purple metal vessel shrugged off the last of the home it had been disguised within, revealing a vessel shaped much like an airship. Staring at it, I spotted a figure waving at me from the window. It was Myrina, but she looked absolutely tiny, as though the ship was far bigger on the inside than it was outside.

From the look of it, the thing was some sort of ship. A space ship, like the kind a pair of genuine aliens might have.

What? How! Impossible!

Did this mean... Myrina was telling the truth all along?

I could hardly believe it.

But whether I believed it or not, there was a massive alien ship hovering in the air in front of me. The ship glowed with a bright purple light which grew and grew until I had to shield my eyes. My jaw dropped lower and lower, unable to contain my surprise even when the spaceship. A brilliant blue bubble sprang into existence around the ship. It flashed one last time, and a loud boom rang through the area like a jet breaking the speed of sound. Air rushed over me, whipping my hair backward. My arm was already in front of my face, and I winced as the skin there burned under sudden and intense heat.

Then all noise and light ceased. The wind went still, and the glow was gone, along with Myrina and the entire space ship. Just like that, they were gone.

Note:

So, this version of the intro is a little less humorous and a little more serious. Carter also has a bit more of a narrative voice in this version, whereas the other is a bit of a dryer direct recounting of events.

It also introduces the character Myrina. She'll show up in the story one way or another, but this intro version introduces her right at the beginning instead of later on.

My main concern is that it takes away a bit of the everyman feel I was trying to make Carter feel like. Meeting Myrina is more than a chance encounter in this version, she's a childhood friend.

What do you guys think? Do you prefer this intro or the older one? I probably won't go with either exactly as portrayed, but it's past time I really got started on story if I want to have it in editing before the end of the year.