September Story: LoZ: Farts of the Wild - A Princess Lets Loose (2) (Patreon)

You will notice that I changed the title to this. I decided that the "prologue" was too big to be a prologue so instead it will be a short story in itself. I basically plan on "Farts of the Wild" to be my magnus opus for fan fiction. It will span the entire timeline of Breath of the Wild, from before Calamity Ganon to after Link rescues Zelda. It will be the biggest piece of fan fiction I will ever write.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Still groggy, Link went back to his quarters and spent a good two hours sleeping in bed. It was his day off after all, so nobody would come to bother him. He blushed with embarrassment as two gigantic farts erupted from him, sounding like jarring trumpets. Even though nobody was around to hear it, he felt the need to excuse himself.

His bowels ceased to relax for even a minute. He must have broken wind ten times over, each one as obnoxiously loud as the other. He tried to let them out quietly, hoping nobody heard them outside his door. They truly felt like anyone could hear them a mile away. The memory of him breaking wind in front of his fellow guardsmen last night was enough to make him hide his face in shame under his pillow. He knew the guardsmen didn’t mind, but still. Breaking wind, even belching, embarrassed him. He didn’t want to admit it. For as long as he could remember, the thought of himself being gassy was embarrassing.

And yet, something strange about it attracted him to it. Wallowing in gassiness with a bloated belly felt…vulnerable. It made him nervous and excited at the same time.

Link winced. He was clenching his muscles preventing himself from breaking wind again. The gas rushed through his intestines with such force that he desperately wanted to let it out quietly. But every second that passed only built up the pressure. Maybe if he relaxed just….a little bit…it wouldn’t be so---

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBbbbbBBbbbbbbbbbBBBBBbbbbppppppBBBBBBbbbbbhbhbbHbhhBbhhhbbbhhhhhhhbbbPPPpffffrrrrbhhh!

The fart nearly hurt on the way out. He groaned aloud, then clasped his mouth in embarrassment. An organic, yeasty stench filled his bedroom. He groaned and covered his face with his pillow.

Well, at the very least, he finally felt better. His stomach was no longer in tight knots. That last explosion really seemed to release all that was bothering him. Made him a new man now.

Before he could fall asleep again, someone knocked on his door. He ignored it. The knock persisted, until a loud whisper hissed, “It’s me!”

Zelda.

Link opened the door. She hurried in, shutting it behind her. He was startled to see her in her gown made for loungewear. She had never approached him wearing intimate clothing that only her chambermaids saw. It was socially acceptable for a princess to be well-dressed whenever she left her room. This didn’t seem to faze her, as she went right to the point.

She raised her arms in anger. “I have had it with father! He keeps stifling me. I cannot even leave my room without him sending search parties for me.” She paced the room stamping her foot down. “I told him I wanted to join you boys downstairs after the inauguration. He kept saying that girls were not allowed, not even the maids. I hate how everything here seems to be made for men. There is nothing for us women. I do not feel connected to my subjects, much less the people of Hyrule.” She flung her arms about, expressing her frustration. “I do not feel like I am living! Then they call me aloof and too invested in my studies. What else do they expect from me? They will not let me so much as have a drink with anyone. A wine glass at most but only during special occasions. UGH!”

She plopped down on his bed with ease as if it were hers, arms stretched out.

Link idled awkwardly in the silence that followed. He was about to say something when she sat up suddenly. “But I have an idea1 I wanted you to help me. No, you MUST help me. I MUST know how my people live and enjoy life. Would you not agree?”

Link nodded. It was reasonable for a regent to want to get to know their people. Those who never did tended to be out of touch with the commoners, who then might grow irate and even revolt.

Zelda tapped her chin. “I am going to behave for a little while. Maybe a week or two. That way my father will believe that I have come to my sense and will not keep constant watch over me. But once everyone has fallen asleep, I would like you to help smuggle me out of the castle and bring me to the city. The people have no idea what I look like. They would never know! I was thinking about dressing up like one of the Royal Guard, which I am sure you would have no problem supplying me with a uniform. With my hair up and walking past in the middle of the night, they will mistake me for a man.”

Link nodded. Extra uniforms were always available in the supply room.

“So you will do this for me?”

“Yes,” he said.

Zelda got up, sparkles in her eyes. “You will? Her excitement melted his heart. She drew herself awfully close to him. He backed away a bit, nervous, and nodded yet again. “Yes. Of course.”

“Thank you, thank you! I have always wanted to visit the city once I became of age. Now I finally am, though my father’s grip still stifles me so. He thinks I will not be able to protect myself. But with you around,” she touched his arm, “it will not be a problem!”

Link shivered with delight. That was the first time she ever touched him. It came so naturally to her that she didn’t stop to dwell on it, nor even glance at it. Maybe it wasn’t very important to her, but to him he felt warm and giddy inside.

“I will let you know ahead of time when I am ready,” she said smiling, before bolting away.

For years, Zelda had confided in him on everything about her parents and her life within these walls. She frequently butted heads with her tutor on natural laws and history and topics that Link wasn’t very keen on. He was quite possibly the only person in the entire world who knew about any gossip about the royal family. Well, maybe Impa knew some things. But even she didn’t know certain deep feelings Zelda expressed to him about her own family.

And for years, Link listened to her with a nod or a headshake and several simple phrases. He often felt unequipped to handle her feelings, wishing he could say more. She did say once that all she needed was his presence and affirmation. Link after all came from a simple country life, away from the drama, politics, and hubbub of the kingdom. His pragmatic view was a breath of fresh air to her.

Link couldn’t remember exactly when he started having feelings for her. He always found her attractive. Who wouldn’t? That soft golden hair. That sweet prim and proper voice. Her intoxicating scent. As he got older his feelings became randy as his eyes wandered to other places. Her wide hips. Her womanly breasts. Her noticeable rump. Her usual outfit was his favorite. She wore this blue tunic, much like his, but with a large belt and tight leather pants. Those tight leather pants did her curvaceous frame justice. Anytime they sat together, whether in his room or outside on a balcony, he shunned a deep urge to hold her and kiss her. Her looks not only roused him, but her wittiness and intelligence and her grace charmed him. He couldn’t imagine enjoying anyone else’s presence. The day was dull without her.

A few weeks later, Zelda approached Link in secret by his hallway. He jumped and nearly yelped as she emerged from behind a tapestry of Goron history. It was dark out, so the halls were dimly lit.

“Psst! Hey!”

Link then flushed seeing her in her nightgown. She truly had no qualms about revealing herself in front of him. Her nightgown was a luscious sky blue with slits on the bottom that revealed parts of her bare legs. The nightgown hugged her body in a way that made him forget what she was saying.

“Are you listening to me?” she then snapped.

“Hm?”

“I said I am ready to head out tonight. Unless that is too soon for you. I meant to tell you earlier, but my tutor held me up. There is a harvest festival in the city that happens every autumn. I do not want to miss it! People from every kingdom will be there. Zoras, Gorons, Gerudos. You name it. We HAVE to go tonight.”

“Okay.”

“Pack our things. I will meet you in the courtyard fountain at half past midnight.”

Before he could ask how she will sneak into the courtyard, she darted off, her bare feet lightly tapping on the cold stone floor.

Link’s heart throbbed as he prepared himself. He wasn’t afraid of getting caught, even though that should have been the highest priority. If the king were to find out that one of his most trusted guardsmen took his daughter out to a festival in the middle of the night, there would be dire consequences. No, Link was feeling butterflies in his stomach; this felt like a date. He had never gone on a date before. But this would be the first time the two of them would spend quality time together outside the castle walls.

Link stood alone by the fountain of the courtyard at half past midnight. Tall hedges surrounded the fountain. The chilly autumn breeze picked up a little. He was fully dressed in his Royal Guard outfit, so the cold didn’t bother him as much. A few guards loitered the other side of the courtyard, not really paying attention to much of anything except their gossip.

A sudden rustle made him jump. He swerved around with his hand on his hilt.

Zelda emerged from the hedges. She giggled seeing him so nervous.

“Did I scare you?” she whispered.

Link sighed, letting go of his hilt.

Zelda had snuck out of her room wearing her gown again. She saw the clothes that Link and practically snatched them out of his hands before he could say anything.

“Give me a minute,” she said.

She hid behind the hedge, rustling the branches and leaves as she changed clothes. Link stared for a moment, spotting bare naked flesh through the hedge, and then looked away blushing.

Zelda took longer than he expected. The rustling stopped briefly. He heard her grunt a couple times.

“Zelda?” he whispered.

She hissed, “Just a moment. This is tighter than I thought. Did they have nothing bigger?”

Most of the uniforms had been taken. Security was tighter tonight because of the festival. The king wanted to make sure no unruly drunkards wandered into the castle grounds.

“Never mind. Got it.”

Zelda emerged from the hedge again. She could have been mistaken for a tomboyish guard. She had tied her hair up and hid it underneath her cap. The outfit was a bit small on her.

“A little snug. But it works. Now, let us make haste before anyone finds us!”

She turned around. The trousers were tight on her and exposed her butt, much like those leather pants she liked to wear. Link’s eyes widened. He froze for so long that Zelda had to snap him out of it by tugging his arm.

“Come on!”

They approached the main gate. Two guards were posted at the watchtowers on either side. Two more guards on the ground turned to see Link and Zelda in the dim torchlight. From there, they could see a view of the main town of Hyrule with all its festivities lighting the night. They could even hear the distant sounds of revelry and catch a passing whiff of smoked meats and chimney smoke.

“Ah, Link!” said Rostam, a fellow Royal Guardsman. His partner Darn nodded a them. “Going down to see the harvest festival? Too bad I’m on shift tonight. Have fun!”

Link gave a passing wave, as did Zelda, though she kept her head low and walked close to Link’s side. Darn leaned forward and blinked twice at Zelda’s figure. He was about to say something when fireworks lit up the night sky. Everyone was momentarily distracted, and Zelda took that split second to hurry through holding Link’s hand.

When they were out of earshot from the guards, Zelda huffed, “Whew! That was a close one. Did you see him looking at me?”

Link chuckled. He was still not over the fact that she was still holding his hand, leading the way down the hill towards the town.

Zelda let go and rubbed her hands deviously. “I simply cannot wait! I cannot believe I am actually going to do this! Thank you so much, Link! Truly!”

She hopped around him like a little kid, and then bolted into a run. Link called out for her, but then stopped short realizing he shouldn’t say her name, so he huffed running after her.